There’s fame… and there’s FAME Imagine being poor sad Axl Rose. You are the butt of a million jokes. Doors slam in your desperate face. Your music is history and so are you. You’d be lucky to get on the guest list for foreheads in a fishtank. Your name in synonymous with friendless misery. You poor bastard. Nope, if you want to be a real star, you want to enter that Olympus of Celebrity where every door is open and nothing is impossible, every whim is catered for, every request fawningly accommodated. A star who’s loved and respected by a generation. A role model. A man of the people. A cutting edge agenda-setting guru and certified babe magnet. You want to be someone like… Cass, drumming colossus of The Senseless Things. Can Cass get Hamley’s to stay open late for a “personal shopping event”? Surely. Can Axl get the jukebox turned up at The Crown in Twickenham? Fat Chance. Telephone guerilla Chris Morris, of Radio 4’s On The Hour and The Select Floppy Disc notoriety, rang around to find out… Chris compiled exhaustive databases and personality profiles of our two megastars. Impersonating their managers, and using their real names and accents, he rang seven legendary venues (and one obviously unlegendary one) with a view to arranging special visits for the legendary twosome. He recorded all the conversations, and what follows is an exact transcript of what was said. And we have the tapes to prove it… 1. THE ROXBURY Spiffy Los Angeles dancehall/eaterie and rockbiz hang out Axl out of Guns N’ Roses Hello, I’d like to reserve a space for a special function for Axl Rose. OK, and how many people? Right, now this is a special arrangement – part of Axl’s ‘Anger of the World’ series of dinner installations which communicate his current spiritual vibe. Right. It requires a space that can be occupied in part by Axl and his entourage – 50 people – and in part by your regular clients. OK. Now we would need red lighting and red décor in Axl’s immediate vicinity… Uhuh. …some mist… Yup. …and a microphone at Axl’s table which would provide a link between his eating processes and a public address system. We can do that but we don’t have the speakers right here. No problem. We can provide the whole communication system including the projector unit. Projector? As Axl eats a film will be projected behind him for all to see. Oh, right. And the microphone would pick up either the sounds of Axl’s eating or any statements which he felt moved to make… Uhuh. Although he will tend to eat in silence to allow the sound of ingestion to speak for itself, if you like. (worried) So Axl eating is the sound that will be heard? Over the sequence of surreal images, yes. Such as what? Oh the usual stuff, you know – all culminating in footage of a woman giving birth to a scorpion. Wow! OK so far? Uh… uh… OK… this is far out… really out there! It needs to be challenging… in the context of an otherwise normal human process like eating. Right. With you so far. And you and I would have to be in collaboration to ensure that the effect extended to the other customers. Right. What Axl wants you to do is provide everybody who eats at the Roxbury that night with an item of food which is alive. (slowly) An item of food… which is alive. Yes. OK, to do what with? This would appear on their plate alongside whatever else they had ordered. OK, I’m with you. But I… I don’t know exactly what we’re talking about… I mean, you want me to put something that is alive on someone’s plate along with the rest of their food? Sure. Something like what? I was hoping you could provide a solution. Yeah, I mean, but I don’t… I mean, now I think of maybe a crab… Well, if you could tie it’s legs together so it couldn’t move… Yeah, sure. Good then. A small red living crab would be nice. (pause) OK. Now when Axl has finished his meal he will summon a vast eructation from the seat of his stomach and deliver his own ammended version of ‘Rock of Ages’… OK. And that would be it. Apart from the appearance of the exploding effigy… The exploding what? The exploding effigy. The exploding effigy… where does this explosion take place? On top of the piano. Uhuh. It’s an effigy of Rod Stewart. This is very weird. Axl is in thoughtful mode right now. He’s not interested in anything which is a half measure. Er… sure. So it’s an effigy of rod stewart… filled with a swarm of flies. Er, you know, er – I don’t know really how to take this. I mean, it’s way out there… Axl is an artist, that is the end of the piece, and he would go home quietly and leave everybody to make of it what they would. And this is not to be broadcasted around the world, this is merely in the dining room of the Roxbury? Absolutely. Axl has adopted the Proustian motto: ‘Word of mouth is quiet a bit more effective than bunging it on the telly.’ Right, OK. I have to tell you that I have one reservation. You see, Rod Stewart is a regular patron. I wouldn’t want to be in any way disrespectful to him. Rod has a sense of humour, as you know. Er, yeah, yeah, but… They also share celtic blood so I don’t think there’ll be a problem. OK. So, good, you can match all the details in our schedule. And if you, as the owner-manager of the Roxbury, were lucky enough to witness this installation what would you think? (sadly) I would think that Axl Rose had lost his mind. (call terminates) Cass out of the Senseless Things Hello, Roxbury. My name is Tim Webster. Alright. I’m personal manager to Cass from the Senseless Things. He wants a bit of “a do” at yer Roxbury there. Who? Cass. From which group again? The Senseless Things. The Senseless Things? I’ve never heard of them. They’re big in the UK. Massive. Top whack. Big in London, huh? Big enough to get special status in accordance with his status as top man. Er… yes. Why don’t you send some photographs and literature ahead of you so we know all about him before he gets here? Listen, this is Cass we’re talking about, not John Otway! Hello? Can his waitress be dressed as tank girl? Er… no. we can’t do that… But will he get his 28 litres of Bud? (confused) Er… hang on, I’ll get the manager… I thought you was the manager, dear. (pause) Hello? Yeah, just checking if you can lay on 28 litres of Bud for Cass. We only sell it by the bottle. 12oz. Better make it 70 bottles then. He’s going to drink 70 bottles? Mmmmmmmmmmmm. (incredulous) Wow, that’s a lot of beer! No it isn’t. Well… And can you put a receptacle next to his table for him to shoot his custard into? Shoot his what? His custard. Shoot his custard? He wants his custard by his table? No, shoot his custard. He’ll need to at some stage… What do you mean, shoot his custard? You know, yaaaaaargh! Lose his Tacos… (hotly) No, he can’t have that, no. I don’t think you understand me or what it means to refuse the Twickenham Elvis. (long pause) What, kind of like a spitoon? Yeah. A big one. No. No way. He gets that in England. I don’t care what you do in England. I’m telling you you can’t do that here. He’s the Michael Jackson of the Hi Hat over here! Yeah, well I never heard of him. He’s got to Level Five on Sonic! We treat everyone the same here, sir. It doesn’t matter… He’s renowned for his ability to barf in a socially acceptable way. Hey, I think you can get outta here, OK buddy? (manic) Cass is bigger than all you schmucks…! (Roxbury ring off) 2. EURODISNEY All-new multi-million dollar publicity-friendly Parisien fun palace Axl at Eurodisney Hello, Walt Disney Attractions. Hi, Doug Goldstein – BFD Management. My client Axl Rose wishes to drop by Eurodisney. Can you accommodate? Sure, and what day does he wish to visit? November 6. Oh good, a gentleman who gives us advance notice. I thought you were going to say tomorrow, ahah ha ha! No. Ha ha ha! And for how many? Seven. OK, well, we would lay on somebody to guide him round and one, two or three members of the Eurodisney security, depending on how many it’s going to take to ensure he doesn’t get approached when he walks around the park… I mean, from your experience, forgive me asking, but I need to know, when he’s in Europe, if he puts on a baseball cap and a jacket are people gonna recognise him? Mr Rose is seldom encumbered by less than 20 worshippers. Right, right, yeah. No, I – it’s OK. I have some suggestions which will ease the progress of his visit. OK. He must be allowed to the front of every queue. Er, right, that would have to be made by our operational management. We have done it where we feel it would cause a security problem any other way. Otherwise we’ll need permission to beat people off him. Yeah, bearing in mind his personality it shouldn’t be a problem. Now to simplify our security operation we have a proximity limitation of 20 metres. (silence) No one must come within 20 metres of my client. Er, well, that would be extremely difficult because Main Street USA is only about 20 metres wide and people would need to get past…er, which they couldn’t do if they couldn’t come within… Well, make it wider then. Well, it’s not… Only kidding. Oh, right, ha ha ha! As long as you can guarantee to keep a clear radius of space around him of at least ten meters. …Er, I’m sure I can fix that… but can I ask you a question? Yup. We do ask that we are allowed to take a picture with a Eurodisney staff photographer just to say Axl Rose was in today. It would probably be a picture of Axl with Mickey Mouse… With Mickey Mouse? Er, yeah, we could accommodate this, so long as the picture shows Mickey and Axl having a fight. Involved in a fight? Yup. Er, I think that would almost certainly have to be a no, er… you see Mickey by nature could not scrap with people… We have no requirement on the return of fire. Axl could be laying into Mickey with the mouse just standing there and taking it. Mmmmmmm…er, I doubt that, to be very honest. It’s not quite the Disney image shall we say… but how about the Big Bad Wolf? How about Pluto? Er, again, I’m not sure we could… We have to reconcile the image of Disney with… …with Axl’s, sure. That’s why I was suggesting maybe one of the Disney villains or even a group of the Disney villains. Except that if Axl was fighting a villain he’d suddenly be Robin Hood and not Axl Rose. OK, I’m with you. Alright… er… OK, I mean, it would be a real… I’m sure we can achieve it. I mean, we did a great shot of Clint Eastwood a couple of weeks back, almost appearing to punch Goofy. Hilarious. Yeah, yeah, it was. I’m sure we could arrange something. I’m suggesting a headlock, no more. So long as he didn’t start throwing the character around. Axl fighting Pluto. OK. Now the next stipulation. Axl must not encounter anyone who is French. (pause) That would be absurd. Some of the people who would host him would be French. I mean, there’s no way, how could we? He’s a very sensitive man. Well, please relay to him that obviously we don’t wish to – but I mean – six thousand of the cast members in the park are French… I warned him this would be something like the answer. (fazed) A hah ha ha ha ha… I’ve heard some… I mean that’s gotta be… I have to put that down in my book of quotes for the year! Well, look, is there some way you could ensure that these six thousand people are not too obviously French? Er, no – well, they all speak English, so, er… Good news. I mean he wouldn’t have to deal with them in French directly so that would be a sort of… …barrier. Yes. Now, your drinking and smoking rules… Yes? Would Axl be able to break the rules of no smoking and no drinking? Smoke yes, drink no. I mean, there is a hotel just right outside where he could drink. He may be so taken with the thrill of a ride that he needs a swig. No, he would not be able to take alcohol into the park. He would use a hip flask. Right… well, I guess… between you and me, you know, as long as the hip flask was not extremely obvious. With this tool he is Mr Discreet. Yeah, I mean the official answer would be no, but as long as he didn’t brandish it infront of all the guests – as long as he wasn’t seen to be doing things they weren’t allowed… Sure… so you will now check all these requirements with your HQ let me know the outcome? Yes. (call terminates) The following guarantees were later confirmed:Yes, 20 metres of space could be kept clear at most times and Axl Rose would always be given a guaranteed berth of space around him.The alcohol was an absolute no, officially, but if he told them his flask was Coca-Cola that would be OK.The French staff would speak English whenever they were in contact with Mr Rose.Pushing to the front of the queues would be no problem.Axl could fight the Keystone Cops as much as he liked, he could fight Mickey Mouse for his own picture library. Pluto-bashing was negotiable.No, the Magic Castle could not fly a flag bearing the logo ‘Guns N’ Fucking Roses’. Cass at Eurodisney Eurodisney attractions, who’s calling please? Tim Webster. I’d like to book a personal tour around Eurodisney for my client. What sort of tour? Well, no queuing for a start, mate. And you’ve got to have good security because he’s a top rock star. Who is he? Cass from the Senseless Things. Can you fix that for him? No. Look this is Cass we’re talking about! He’s not far off Liz Taylor! I’m sorry but we treat everyone the same. Yeah! Bet you’d do it for Axl Rose… We treat everyone the same, Sir. I’m sure we can give him a very enjoyable visit like everyone else. Frankly, he’s doing you a bit of a favour by offering to come. I’m sorry, Sir. I think you’d better fax me his details if you want this to go further. (desperate) Please, he’s a good bloke! Goodbye. (Eurodisney hangs up) 2. HARRODS Legendary upper-crust Knightsbridge department store, in recent controversial Al Fayad brothers takeover Axl at Harrods Hello, I represent Axl Rose. He has it on him to visit your store. Sure. Can you fix this for a time when the place is not crowded out with the usual dregs and dinges? Erm, well it’s possible we could open slightly early but we don’t… not even for the Queen of England do we open specially. So long as he can be kept apart from the, you know, ahem… For shopping? For wandering around, casting his eye over the merchandise and purchasing such items as he feels are worthy of his fancy. Sure. Would the executive suite be OK? Pending one or two status-specific conditions… Yes, what are they? What arrangement do you have for preserving the security of hyper-beings? Well… they will not get mobbed. We know our job well enough not to allow people to approach them. We don’t actually have to provide security. I’m afraid this will necessitate the implementation of his bulletproof shield. (pause) Right. Now, your staff would need to be on best behaviour. All our staff are trained so that when they see we are with famous customers they don’t approach and they don’t ask for autographs. Do they stand to attention when they’re serving? Well, they’re very professional. They would stand very upright. Could they salute on completion of purchase? Not actually salute, no. They’ll say, Thank you for shopping at Harrods. Sir? Sir – yes, of course. Yes, of course, sir. Yes, of course, sir. Could Mr Rose’s guide wear a kilt? A kilt? Mr Rose, who will be similarly attired, requires a congruency in dress-code. Well, I don’t think it’s very likely… But it’s not out of the question? No. He likes to go barefoot. (quietly) Yes. Could you provide slippers? (writing down) Slip-pers – right… OK, I’ll see to that. You have read, I assume, of Mr Rose’s new spiritual direction? Er, no, I haven’t I’m afraid. Well, everywhere he goes, he is led by an olive-skinned man on a lead, in a robe and dish-dash, with a label on his head saying, ‘I Am Axl’s Pet Arab’. Any problem with him? No, I don’t think so. Does he actually say “I am Axl’s pet Arab”? No, it’s written on his head. Oh, right… ‘Axl’s Pet…? …Arab’. Right. And to avoid offending Mr Rose’s sensibilities, it would really be best if you could remove all visible trace of the Al Fayad brothers. Er… He might well throw an ape if he discovered the place is owned by towel-heads… Right. Can you assure me there’s no problem with the pet Arab or removing all trace of the Al Fayads? Well, the pet Arab’s OK. I’ll have to look into the other one but I think it will be alright. I’ll let you know if there’s any problem. You’ll do that for me? Yes. You’ve made Axl Rose a very happy man. Have a nice day! (stunned) Oh right… (call terminates) Cass at Harrods Harrods executive suite, good afternoon. Hello. My name’s Tim Webster. Where from? The Senseless Things’ office. I’m sorry, The Where Things? Senseless. Er… right. And what do you want/ We’re trying to fix up for Cass, who’s the drummer, to come round and have an exclusive tour of the shop. Er, unfortunately we don’t do guided tours. Who is it again? Cass. Cass, the drummer. Is he actually going to buy anything? Oh yeah. If he likes it, yeah. Well, you’d better make an appointment. Yeah. So it’s Mister Cass, yes? No, Cass. Cass is his name. And does he have a surname? No, that’s all it is. Cass. (silence) So what’s this “executive” bit then? He can tell us what he wants. He can remain within the suite and we’ll get it for him. Do you lay this on for any old punter? Yes. Well, being from The Senseless Things, he obviously deserves a bit extra. We can only give him the same as anybody else. Yeah, but you know… Cass! It’s all about being big, innit? Well, if he wants to come in he can, now can’t he? Thank You. Right. Hang on… (Harrods ring off) 5 GORE HOTEL Exclusive low-profile London crash pad for well heeled folk Axl at The Gore Hotel Hello, reservations. Hello, Doug Goldstein from BDF Management. I’d like to arrange accommodation for my client Mr Axl Rose for November 5. And how many nights? Three. Just one room? The best room in the hotel. Yes, I do have one deluxe room free for that night. It may be “deluxe” but is it the best room on the hotel? Yeah. We have six deluxe rooms altogether. And they’re great rooms. They’re really ornate and different from most hotels. Can you ensure that Axl Rose has the best one of those? Oh yes. It’s a great room. It’s called the Tiger room. It’s a good-sized room and it’s all in beiges, so… Well, the décor needs to be specific to my client’s taste… Uh-huh? Could you introduce a tartan theme? Well, we do have a tartan suite. Is that the best room in the hotel? Well, it’s the same only in tartan and it’s just as good. But it’s already booked. Well, move whoever’s in it please. Yes… I’ll see what we can do. And can you ensure the rooms on either side are empty? Yes. No problem. There’s no one there that can’t be moved. Now we have a couple of details to sort out… Sure. Do you provide porridge? Yes. Can it be porridge direct from Scotland? I’ll check with the bistro but there shouldn’t be any problem. Now the shower in my clients room…? Yes? Can you make sure it contains “Rose”-scented water? Rose-scented water? Yes. OK…er, yes… I’m sure that’s not a problem. Do you drill your staff with regard to the way they communicate with the guests? Yes, we do! Yes, we are a Victorian hotel. We provide a very good service here. We deal with a lot of people from the fashion and music industry and our staff are trained to cater for people from the music and fashion industry… So they would naturally call Mr Rose ‘Sir’? Yes… yes. Could you ensure that when they communicate with him they say, Yes, Mr Rose, you’re the best, Sir! Well it, er… He has a very heavy schedule… Well, I think I could sort that out, yes… And I’m sure you’re aware my client would react very badly if there were any mention of Kurt Cobain or Nirvana. Mmm? Could you ensure there is no mention of Nirvana or Kurt Cobain anywhere in the hotel? (long pause) Yes. Can you ensure he won’t be subjected to any music from Nirvana from any loudspeaker within the hotel? He won’t hear any Nirvana music. Even from a transistor in the street outside? Our walls are quite thick. Or another guest’s room? Well, I can’t speak on behalf of the guests but I can speak on behalf of the hotel and we can make sure we don’t play any music by Nirvana. Hey! You are quite the classiest people I’ve ever had the privilege of doing business with! I’m outta here! (call terminates) Cass at The Gore Hotel. Hello. Gore manager. Hiya! Tim Webster, Senseless Things management. Yeah? Can I book a night for Cass? Cass? The drummer. The drummer? Blonde geezer. Probably seen him on Top of the Pops hammering the old hide… I’m completely lost! Look, Cass is a top entertainer. He wants your best room and a little bit o’ special service… What’s his name again? Cass. One room. £153.00 plus tax. Get free fags for that, does he? Cigarettes? No. Bloody hell! What about grub? Do you do grub? Yes we do “grub”. We’ve got two of the best restaurants in London… Cass likes his chips done proper. Well he can take that up when he places his order. Probably best if you get them driven over from Ches’s Café in Twickenham. He likes them there… (hotly) Look, we’ve got two restaurants and they both do their own chips. What about a big screen in his room for playing Sonic? No. Come off it. I don’t think you’ve got the right place, have you? I don’t think you realise the calibre of pan-galactic superstar Cass is – while of course remaining a very ordinary bloke. Look, we don’t normally have these problems from people much more famous than Cass – Zucchero, David Bowie, etcetera… Yeah, well I mean, there you are, see. You’re making it sound like an old folks’ home… It’s far from an old folks’ home! Well the two blokes you just mentioned – couple of coffin-dodgers, aren’t they? I don’t think you’ve got the right place. I think you fail to appreciate that ever since ‘The First Of Too Many’, Cass has entered a new universe few even dream exists… We treat everyone the same – whoever they are – and we’ve had bigger people than this Cass, I can tell you! Look, if there’s a problem, Cass can pose for a few publicity shots for you. I don’t think we want him. He sounds like an ogre. Well, he’s got a non-descended testicle… Well, you know, good luck to him. I don’t want that kind of person here. He won’t cause you no trouble… No he won’t cos he won’t be here. (shouts) Cass! Cass! Cass! Cass! (Gore Hotel hangs up) 5 HAMLEY’S Infamous West End toy emporium and celebrity purchasing pit stop Axl at Hamley’s Hello, Hamley’s. can I help? Yes, I’d like to organise a personal shopping event for my client Mr Axl Rose. OK, right. I can’t envisage any problems. And can you ensure that there will be no temporarily provocative conditions for Mr Rose? Yeah, sure. It will be exactly the same as last time. Was that OK? Frankly, no… Oh… er… I thought… I think you’d better get me the manager. OK… it’s just, well – at the moment they’re in meetings all the time. It’s really hectic you know, we can’t even get hold of them ourselves, could you… I need an answer now. OK, hang on a moment… (pause)… right that’s fine. I’ve got the confirmation that this is not a problem. Last time Mr Rose came dangerously close to encountering one of the great unhosed. The er…? Can you ensure this doesn’t happen again? Well, I, er… I think you’d better drag Mr Big out of his meeting. (pause)… I’ll put you through… (Management Axl Rose’s visit and enter discussion about how they could improve on their rather unsatisfactory efforts last time) Axl doesn’t speak to staff any more. Right. So you could provide him with an interlocutor? What do you mean? Someone of a higher cast than the staff who could communicate his wishes to them. Yeah, I mean… there… last time he dealt with a senior sales manager, she’d very much like to do it again. Would that be OK? So long as she could handle him on one of his Latin days. How do you mean? Sometimes he speaks nothing but bad Spanish. Any problemo? Why would he want to speak Spanish? Ours is not to question… Well I mean I don’t speak Spanish. I’m not sure if… Will you bring in a Spanish speaker? Well I don’t know off-hand but I can check certainly… I’m sure we’ve got someone… OK. Now, we need to keep the noise level to be very carefully controlled… Er… yes? No sound in the store must be louder than Guns N’ Roses loudest ever gig. Well, I could turn everything off. So that no noise generator in the store exceeded 120 decibels? Yeah, as I said, I can turn everything off. An uncontrolled cough can exceed the stated level. Well, we’re taking in a lot of stock at the moment – somebody might drop a large box on the floor. A large box is OK. An unstifled respiratory explosion isn’t. (hotly) Well, look – we’ll do everything we can. We’re arranging an exclusive visit, there’s only one other person we’ve ever done that for. We’re laying on better staff for him and we can turn anything on and off, you know, whatever you want. You have no merchandise in any way related to the pop group Nirvana do you? Nirvana? Never heard of them. Spoken like a true hombre! Not even Sonic vs Killer Kurt And The Seattle Slayers? Hold on, I’ll just ask… (pause) I’ve just asked someone who’s in a meeting with me. No way – absolutely not. Can he bring his pet leopard? No way. It wears a mask. No. What about his chicken? No. What is your aisle width? With respect, Mr Axl has been here before. Why are you asking me all these questions? Axl must know. Look I can tell you right now – the store has never looked better. We’ve got it all set up for Christmas, we’ll lay on whatever he requests, up to five staff. You can’t get any better than that. Surely he doesn’t need his leopard or his chicken? I’ll check with my master. You’re not for real. Triple top! I am about to terminate… (Hamley’s hangs up) Cass at Hamley’s Hello, Hamleys. Hello. Tim Webster, Senseless things management. Cass would like you to keep the store open late so he can come round and have a look next week. I think that’s very unlikely indeed. What’s the problem? Well, the problem is that we just don’t do this sort of thing for most people. Oh, yeah? So who do you do it for? Well, we’ve only done this twice before. So you can’t do it for Cass? He’s the drummer! No. Go on… (Hamleys hangs up) 6 LONDON ZOO Financially-challenged open plan Regents Park bestiary Axl at London Zoo London Zoo press office. Hello. Sure. My name is Doug Goldstein, representing Axl Rose on behalf of BDF Management. Yes. Axl wishes to visit your animal emporium on an exclusive basis. Him and no one else? Yup, little missee. Er, well that would depend on, er, I mean, normally no is the answer, ahah, but that’s not what you want to hear, so I’m trying to think what we could do… Could you open the zoo specially for Mr Rose? Well, yes. Or he could come in at the start of the day before we open to the public, he might see more then… He would need transport around the zoo. Er, right, well we do have some vehicles, yes. I mean, the distances aren’t very great. Does he have difficulty walking? He doesn’t believe in it anymore. Right, right. We could provide him with a car or one of our buggies might be better… If he does commit foot to sod he does so, as I’m sure you know, with bare feet. Can you ensure the ground is accommodating temperature-wise? Er, well – I’m sure we could put a carpet down. Would that be alright? A carpet? Yes, well, we don’t normally use carpets because they’d get dirty, but I’m sure in this case there would be no problem. Axl has one or two likes and dislikes. One of the things he wants to do is to mow some grass. Right (pause). I don’t think that would be a problem. And how amenable will the penguins be? He may wish to socialise… Oh, they’ll definitely be there but they can be vicious. They have very nasty beaks. Mmmmmmmm? I mean, what we could do is show him some penguin chicks. They don’t have all their defense instincts fully developed… Sure, no problem, so long as they were big enough to wear the Guns N’ Roses kilt and headscarf… Um… we’re not very keen on the animals wearing sort-of human clothes. It gives us a problem with our perception of animals and why we keep them… Axl would understand. He sees the problems of the world as only solvable through the power of the animal. Right. Can you discuss this with a higher authority? Yes, yes sure. And I mean anyway we’d have no problem with the idea of somebody else weraing those garments in a picture with a chick. A member of your staff? Yes, yes. With the penguin holding the Guns N’ Roses flag in it’s beak? Yes. You know the flag? Erm, well, actually sorry I don’t. It bears the legend, ‘Guns N’ Fucking Roses’. (pause) Right. What animal would best suit that flag? Maybe a parrot? Mmmmmm. But we would have to tread really really carefully. There’s a really strong animal lobby in this country. But this wouldn’t stop Axl’s mission to record a gibbon with an electric guitar? Oh right. You mean the guitar would be playing and the gibbon would be vocalising with it? Or choosing to play an instrumental. Er, there may be a problem with the gibbon touching the guitar… I’ll have to refer. But no problem about a duet with the gibbon? No. Could Axl wrestle a drugged crocodile? Well, I’ll have to take the keeper’s advice on that. Good news! You people are very purple! Lord Axl thanks you and your bestial kin! Enjoy! (puzzled) Thank you… (call terminates) Cass at London Zoo Hello to you. Tim Webster. I manage Cass from The Senseless Things. Can you open the zoo specially for him? Er… who? Cass. The Senseless Things. Well, I don’t really know who he is. Who is he? Carm off it! This is Cass we’re talking about… (silence) cass the drummer! I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of The Senseless Things. Let me put it like this – it takes an awful lot of work to set up something like this. Yeah, but once you’ve graduated up from being a member of the public you expect a bit of effort… Well, we have celebrities visiting London Zoo all the time. We don’t normally have any trouble unless of course it’s someone exceptional like Michael Jackson – someone who would donate quite a large sum of money, you know, and then of course we could pull out the stops and put on something special. Look, I know you’re on the skids at the moment. The publicity surrounding a visit by Cass would swell your coffers something indecent. Well, would you be publicising it if you came? Yeah. And we could bring along Wiz from the Mega City Four. He’s got a good gob on him… (pause) I think you’re on another wavelength. So you can’t guarantee anything for Cass at all? Well, he can come to the zoo. Nothing more than that? I’m afraid not. (call terminates) 7 BIBENDUM Chic and high-grade nosh parlour in South Ken art deco locale Axl at Bibendum I’d like to reserve a table. Yes, sir. And for how many? One person and one empty chair. And the name? Axl Rose. Right. My client has several requirements before we can confirm this booking… Yes. Mr Rose requires the best table in the house. Ahuh… well, I mean uh… We’ve got very nice tables. I can request the best one we’ve got for that evening… What I would need is some way of confirming to my client that he would have the best table there is. Yes, yes. He’ll have the best. I mean we don’t allocate tables till the day but I’ll make a note and we can make sure he has the best table for two there is. Could you accommodate his special dietary requirements? Yes I’m sure we can. He’s a chromatarian vegan. A what? Sorry? A chromatarian vegan schedules colour specific food for particular days. (pause) erm… I’m not sure… er… Well, I’m sure that could be discussed on the evening. On that day he will need orange food. (silence) this can be achieved by a combination of naturally orange vegetables such as carrots and sweet potatoes and dyed foods. Er… Would it be possible? Well I could only… er, so it’s orange vegetables… Yes. Well… I… I… I, you know, I don’t know what the chef will have in. Well if it’s not orange just dye it. Yeah, OK. With carrots and swedes and things I’m sure we could do that. Everything orange. Yes, yes, OK. And you serve a range of international wines do you? Oh yes, we’ve got about 900 bottles here. Could you fix a rubber teat to the top of Mr Rose’s bottle? (silence) I… I somehow… a rubber teat… he has a mouth complaint. We always get a rubber teat in LA. Er… I’ll have to check that with the wine waiter. Come on it’s not exactly tricky. A rubber teat… Well, er, I… So you really will ask the wine waiter if Axl Rose can be served his wine with a rubber teat on the bottle? (pause) Yes… yes I will… Alleluliah! (call terminates) Cass at Bibendum Good evening, Bibendum. Hello. Tim Webster here on behalf of Cass from The Senseless Things. Yes? Can I book a table for two? When for? Dinner time. Seven thirty? Yep. Now he’s obviously a bit of a personality, being with the Things… (dubious) Yes? It is classy grub, is it? French Provencale. Yeah yeah. Do you serve Long Life? No. we serve Becks. That’s the only lager we do. Can you make it a bit exclusive for him? Well, we have a lot of very famous stars here and they’re usually happy. Yeah, but Cass is a bit spesh… Yeah, but… I mean we don’t usually have this much trouble with Mick Jagger! Yeah, well I mean obviously not. Cass is a proper star, not some bony old buzzard. Sorry? Well, Mick Jagger’s a bit past it, innee? Not really , no. Do you do crinkly chips? I don’t think this is the restaurant you’re really looking for is it? Mushy peas? No. look, the chef is an extraordinarily top class chef. He does what he does. Oh come on. Just open the tin and he’ll eat them cold. Go away. You can’t accommodate any of our requests? No. (Bibendum hangs up) 8 THE CROWN PUB Non-legendary East Twickenham boozer and haunt of thirsty Senseless Things stickman Axl at The Crown Hello, the Crown. Hello, could I speak to the manager? Who’s speaking please? Doug Goldstein, BFD management. Right, hang on… (distantly) It’s Doug Goldstein and it’s BSSD Management… (manager) Hello. Hi, I’m representing Axl Rose who wishes to visit your public house in late November. Yeah? He wishes to do something very English. Right, right. Can I stop you there just one second? I’ll get the entertainments manager… (pause)… (Ents manager) Hello, can I help? You have a well lubricated system there. Ahah ha ha! …which bodes well for your accommodation for the Lord High Priest of Rock! Ahah ha! Axl Rose wishes to take in some genuine English fare. Do you do that? Er, yes we do – er – bedoo bedoo bedoo pom pom pom – I haven’t got a menu with me – what sort of general idea do you – I mean what sort of numbers are we talking about? Twenty-five. We could do anything really then because we could do it specially for you. Did I say twenty-five? Sorry, I meant three. (pause) Then… we could still do anything you wanted. Would you like traditional roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, that sort of thing? Axl has one or two dislikes. Yes? Like he only eats French fries if they have a complex geometrical form… Oh, right – well, he wouldn’t want chips with roast beef would he? Roast beef isn’t normally served with chipped potatoes. He will only eat it with cross-shaped chips. Well, OK, as I say, we can do anything. Some degree of redecoration would be nice. Redecoration of what? Can you get some moose heads on your wall? (pause) Er, hah! I can’t think where I’d get any from. We have two weeks. Yeah? Er, I mean our décor is quite nice. Axl wants moose. I could find some foxes. I know someone who could get me some of those… The fox? The little guy with the pointy face? Yeah, yeah, I could get some of those. So, good. Now Axl may need to commit himself to the horizontal. Could you accommodate him in that mode? Well, we don’t usually do overnight stays, but I’m sure, yeah, I mean for two or three we could fit them in. Your staff wear kilts anyway, don’t they? Er, no… Could you put them in kilts for Axl’s visit? All the staff in kilts? Yeah, how many have you got? Seven… eight. I’m sure the girls would be happy. I don’t think the guys would. Axl would like to see the guys in kilts as well. Well, hold on – I’ll ask (muffled sounds)… OK, sir, if you want the guys in kilts, you can have the guys in kilts. And could the ladies serve with unguarded chests? Er, I doubt it – but we could hire those in separately. Hire? Yeah, yeah – topless dancers, exotic dancers, anything… Could you change the name of the pub to The Rose and Crown for the day? Yeah, sure – Rose and Crown for the day? Yeah, we can borrow a sign specially. And Axl could take the landlord’s car out for a burn? Well, we could hire one for him. No, he would need the landlord’s car. OK, fine. So, great. I’ll call next week and tell you how much to insure him for. (slowly) OK… Talk to you then… (call terminates) Cass at The Crown Hello, the crown. Hello there. It’s Tim Webster from The Senseless Things management. I represent Cass’ personal events profile. Go on. He’s a local. Know him? No. What about it anyway? Can he take over the pub for a function? No. It’s his birthday next week. It’s for his party. Well, he wouldn’t be able to anyway. What about part of it? Not really, no. Look, Cass is a major rock personality. This is his local pub. I wonder if you’re aware of the scale of the man? I wonder if you’re aware of the scale of this area because we’re situated right next to the film studios so we receive a lot of stars in here already and I don’t have to pay for the privilege. Like who? Well there’s the Blues Band… Stone me! …some of Dire Straits have been in here, John Suchet… I think you’ll find Cass blows his nose on most of them. Well he may do, but I’m afraid we can’t hand over the pub to him. He might get a free pint if he’s lucky… What about a chair? Can you give him a special chair? We can give him a bar stool. You’re joking, encha? Listen, mate. It ain’t even worth going into it. I know most of the stars – they can have as much money as they like, we’re not going to treat them no different to anyone else. So the most you can offer him is a pint of beer and a bar stool? Yep, that’s it. Bollocks, mate! (rings off)
Axl has one or two dislikes. Yes? Like he only eats French fries if they have a complex geometrical form
Could you fix a rubber teat to the top of Mr Rose’s bottle? (silence) I… I somehow… a rubber teat… he has a mouth complaint. We always get a rubber teat in LA.
Telephone guerilla Chris Morris, of Radio 4’s On The Hour and The Select Floppy Disc notoriety, rang around to find out…
The what now?
Jesus Christ. Morris heaven. I haven't heard the select disc for donkeys, and it stands up remarkably well, probably due to the ubiquity of his target.
And Serge, we had a discussion about Senseless Things in the chat room last night, along with some ST tunes. Why don't you come on over - if you think you're hard enough.
Where you see "you're hard enough" replace with "you have nothing better to do, which is unlikely."[/spoiler]
to all intensive purposes
What Axl wants you to do is provide everybody who eats at the Roxbury that night with an item of food which is alive. (slowly) An item of food… which is alive. Yes. OK, to do what with? This would appear on their plate alongside whatever else they had ordered. OK, I’m with you. But I… I don’t know exactly what we’re talking about… I mean, you want me to put something that is alive on someone’s plate along with the rest of their food? Sure. Something like what? I was hoping you could provide a solution. Yeah, I mean, but I don’t… I mean, now I think of maybe a crab… Well, if you could tie it’s legs together so it couldn’t move…
Well, I have just spent the last 75 minutes watching an episode of 'Doctor Who' that I have publicly stated to be largely shit, so 'Nothing Better To Do' is where I live.
The Select Flexi is on disc 4 of the On The Hour Series 2 CD release no?
I sneezed and shat at the same time.
The last I heard of Cass was funnily enough on a CD given away with 'Select', where his post-Senseless Things band Delakota featured. No idea what happened to Axl.
