Omegle Adventures

[Neil]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Question to discuss:
What do u think about Scene(emo) Girls/Boys?

You: I hate them
You: they make me want to kill
Stranger: agreed ^^^^6
Stranger: not the second bit
Stranger: i wouldnt go that far
You: nothing wrong with a bit of killing, no need to be all 'ooh look at my morals, I don't believe in killing emo kids'
Stranger: cos some of my girlfriends, friends r emo
You: I understand, you don't want to get your hands dirty, but you're looking for a man who can
Stranger: NO!
You: how many of them you want done? Throttling is a speciality, or I like to get in close with a sharp knife.  They cut themselves up anyway.  STAB FUCKING STAB - open those wounds up a bit, untraceable.  I can't be stopped, I'm like the career of Bruce Forsyth.
You: I'm tracing your IP through the omegle, and will be in touch about the first contract
Stranger: listen... i know ur lying
You: discretion is necessary of course, I expect you to treat me like the professional I am.  Don't be tweeting all like 'oh hay, I gots a contract killer about to off some kids for deliberately putting their hair in their eyes lol'
Stranger: but if u do somehow find away to trace you geek, then it will be ME killing YOU
You: BLAM BLOODY BLAM, dead emo kids. Thinning the herd. Manscara overload at the funeral.  It's God's work, like Brian Dowling taking over from Davina on Big Brother.
You: why would you kill me?
Stranger: u said u gonna kill my girlfriends, friends, they go missing, am having ur head
You: oh I get it, playing innocent in case THEY are watching! Or is one of them reading over your shoulder now, while looking all dippy and listening to My Chemical Romance? Tell that cunt to go away. GO AWAY CUNT.
Stranger: LISTEN! where do u live, ur dead
You: Throw a bottle of black hair dye and some over-priced Hot Topic garments into the corner of the room to distract their attention, we can get down to business.  We will need to discuss my fee.
You: I live all over. I am a spirit, a cloud, a shadow of death
Stranger: ok u can help me get one
You: that's more like it, what have they done?
Stranger: annoyed the fuck outta me
Stranger: its name is YOU
You: I see what you're trying to do here, and I almost fell for your cunning, uncompromising logic, but I will not and cannot take out a contract on my own life. I'm a professional, and must ask that you treat me with the respect I am due.  I have spent many, many years engaging in wicked, uncompromising acts of evil, perpetrated on a helpless public.  I'm like Tom O'Connor in that regard.
You: JKF, right? Know him? That was me. All me.
Stranger: um its jfk dumb ass
You: I yanked the top of his head clean off with fishing wire.  TUG FUCKING TUG.
You: that's what they want you to believe.  Wake up, sheeple.
Stranger: and ur not old enough to even be alive 10 years after his assassination u ass
You: I am ageless, like the wind. I was born old, and remain frozen in time forever, a hideous anachronism who will out-live the heat death of the universe.  Like David Dickinson.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[CaledonianGonzo]

You're on fire this evening, Neil.

[Neil]

What do you think of the seminal comedy show The Goodies? Do you like The Goodies? The Goodies!!

Stranger 2: I smell numbers.

Stranger 1 has disconnected

[Neil]

Question to discuss:
Complete this well-known phrase: "Del boy falls through..."

Stranger 2: carrot

Stranger 2 has disconnected

[Neville Chamberlain]

Cooked and...what?
Stranger 2: a bowl got high as fuck
Stranger 1 has disconnected

[Neville Chamberlain]

Cooked and...what?
Stranger 2: boiled
Stranger 2: GOOOOOSE
Stranger 1: it feels great
Stranger 1: when
Stranger 1: i
Stranger 1: put
Stranger 1: my
Stranger 1: penis
Stranger 1: in
Stranger 1: stuff.
Stranger 1: like
Stranger 1: fruits
Stranger 1: and
Stranger 1: and
Stranger 1: ...
Stranger 1: cucumbers
Stranger 1: and
Stranger 1: jello cups
Stranger 1: and
Stranger 1: my fist
Stranger 1: and my own mout
Stranger 1: h
Stranger 1: and
Stranger 1: that's it
Stranger 1: :|
Stranger 1 has disconnected

[SOTS]

I had a conversation on Omegle a couple of months ago that resulted in me proof-reading an essay of a Taiwanese person. They were actually pretty good at English having previously lived in the US for eight years but still slightly iffy on punctuation and grammar. Got £36! That is probably the one occasion in which spending time on Omegle hasn't been a complete waste.

And yes, I know that my grammar probably isn't impeccable either but this person seemed fairly happy with my corrected version of their essay.

[Neil]

Question to discuss:
9/11 was REALLY, REALLY funny. Agree or disagree?

Stranger 1: Disagree
Stranger 2: NO I DONT!
Stranger 2: ITS TERRIBLE
Stranger 1: i don't really find over Threethousand people dying that funny.
Stranger 2: The Holocaust now that was fucking hilarious
Stranger 1: yeah!
Stranger 2 has disconnected

[petula dusty]

I can't work out whether I was talking to a gay man who thought I was a bloke. Also the dodgy jokes in the middle spoilt it a bit.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Question to discuss:
A WILD STRANGER APPEARS!!

Stranger: OH SHIT

Stranger: Stranger casts sexual harrassment

Stranger: Hey there, big boy..

Stranger: I love those shorts on you..

You: i think you'll find you're the stranger

Stranger: *ass smack*

Stranger: It's not very effective

You: what isn't?

Stranger: my attack

Stranger: Stranger uses reverse psycology

Stranger: Stranger gets confused and hurts itself.

You: stranger is having fun here

Stranger: Now show me your penis'

Stranger: all of it

You: i don't have one

Stranger: what happened to it?

Stranger: did you lose it in the war?

You: dog ate it

Stranger: damn

Stranger: that sucks

Stranger: put on a strap-on then

You: i know it was my best one

You: i'll have to improvise

Stranger: with what?

You: several grapes on a skewer?

Stranger: a banana?

Stranger: a crucifix?

Stranger: I canf eel the power of christ inside me..

Stranger: He's filling me with his love

You: that's what he calls it

Stranger: He

Stranger: He's going to die, and bury himself in my cave..

Stranger: then return 3 days later

You: yeah like nothing ever happened

Stranger: "Fucking lag"

Stranger: "Took me three days to respawn"

You: and does he bring you a gift?

You: does he fuck

Stranger: well yeah

Stranger: that's kind of the whole point I'm trying to get across here

Stranger: you fucking me with a crucifix

You: oh yeah i got distracted

Stranger: it would be quite a bloody affair

You: not if it was a small one

Stranger: idk

Stranger: those arms would hurt

You: well i won't then

Stranger: D:

Stranger: but.. b-but

Stranger: I wanted it

You: how about a st christopher's medal instead?

Stranger: okay, that'll do

You: no sharp bits but still a religious symbol

You: sort of

Stranger: it would be hard to insert and reinsert though

Stranger: unless you don't mind pushing your finger in there with it

You: i'd rather not do it all to be quite frank

Stranger: but why not?

You: what's in it for me?

Stranger: the medal.. remember?

Stranger: oh, you mean what do you get out of it

Stranger: idk, what do you want? some bumbebees?

Stranger: bunmblebees*

You: yeah can i have a troop of bumblebees

You: on leads

You: straining for the pollen

Stranger: actually

You: with muzzles

Stranger: I don't have any bumblebees

Stranger: how about a blow job?

You: well you can try but there's not much to get your mouth round

Stranger: I meant you blowing me, honestly

You: oh

You: god you're sex mad

Stranger: sex mad is good

Stranger: and so is mad sex

You: i find it all a bit squishy tbh

Stranger: what, mad sex?

You: sex in general

Stranger: isn't that the point?

Stranger: Unless you're into hard sex or something

You: no, i don't want to do anything too difficult

You: it's supposed to be fun!

Stranger: can we dance during?

You: yep

Stranger: A dance of erotic love

You: the watusi?

Stranger: yes, very much so

Stranger: come, sit in my lap

Stranger: we'll talk about the first thing that comes up

You: b'dum tish

Stranger: no no no

Stranger: It's more like this..

Stranger: "Come sit in my lap.."

Stranger: *puts on sunglasses*

Stranger: "We'll talk about the first thing that comes up.."

Stranger: YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH'

You: i get it

You: is it a csi reference

Stranger: yes

You: i is clevaaaar

Stranger: not even a reference any more, it's become a pretty popular menme

Stranger: meme*

You: ah well i got it without the pictures

Stranger: Well, I guess it's still technically a reference

Stranger: So.

Stranger: a man is driving his car when he hits a woman

Stranger: Who's fault is it, the man or the woman's?

Stranger: The man, for driving in the kitchen.

You: woooo!

Stranger: weee!

Stranger: What's the difference between black jews and white jews?

You: idk

You: im going to regret this

Stranger: Black jews have to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

Stranger: :d

Stranger: :D

You: bam

Stranger: what's the difference between jews and a pizza?

Stranger: a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

You: so we've had sexism, racism and anti-semitism

You: what's left?

Stranger: well

Stranger: how about this

Stranger: What's better than 10 babies?

Stranger: 1 baby in 10 pieces

Stranger: Also, why do black people cry during sex?

You: i thought bernard manning died a few years ago?

Stranger: In my arms

Stranger: my sweet embrace

You: does the name chris morris mean anything to you?

Stranger: Nothing

Stranger: I feel such an empty void where my care should be, for that name

You: just wondering

You: this could be a double bluff of course

Stranger: Oh?

Stranger: how so>?

You: that you do know what i'm talking about and just don't want to admit it

Stranger: I'm sorry..

Stranger: I just get so shy around you

You: hence the shit jokes?

Stranger: yeah.. that's just my way of breaking the ice

Stranger: I'm sorry stranger

Stranger: I love you *hugs*

You: slow down tiger

Stranger: NO! I won't slow down! I've never loved anyone more in my life! *clings and cries*

You: well you should try

Stranger: I'm afraid I can't

Stranger: Stranger, will you..

Stranger: will you marry me?

You: this is all so sudden

Stranger: Like the rush of overwhelming live I felt when I first laid eyes on you?

Stranger: love*

You: love at first type

Stranger: iseewutudidthar

Stranger: Will you?

Stranger: Will you marry me>?

You: i can never marry

Stranger: But why?

You: it's forbidden in my culture

Stranger: But..

Stranger: But I thought you were the one

Stranger: You promised me

You: i promised you NOTHING

Stranger: You promised me your eternal love!

Stranger: And that you'd stroke my penis gently while I cuddled in your arms every night, falling asleep with eachother!

You: you must be mistaking me for some other stranger

Stranger: I could never

Stranger: I love you more than any other

You: any other stranger?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: Can we atleast be friends with benefits?

You: private health care and use of the gym?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: also, sex

You: ahhh, coupling.

You: i've heard of this practice

You: never held much appeal for me

Stranger: Not even with a stranger who's so deeply in love with you?

You: love schmove

Stranger: D:

Stranger: don't mock my love!

Stranger: I've never wanted my cock in someone else's warm ass more than I want that with you!

You: wow that means a lot

Stranger: A whole lot

You: i bet you don't say that to every random stranger

Stranger: I certainly don't. you're my special strangetr

Stranger: stranger*

You: i *am* special

Stranger: yes :3

Stranger: Stranger, I want to do something. But I'm afraid..

You: best not then

Stranger: But it's important!

Stranger: You see, I really, really want to refill my mug with root beer..

Stranger: but I'm so terrified that if I'm gone for a minute, you'll leave our chat

You: root beer. how american

Stranger: if you abandoned me, I'd be so depressed. I'd probably sob in the corner for days

Stranger: well have you ever had it? it's delicious

You: nope what kind of root is it

Stranger: well, it's not really a root..

Stranger: hold on

Stranger: let me look it up

Stranger: apperently, it was originally sassafras

Stranger: probably more of an artificial flavored sassafras now though

Stranger: It's a soda, not an actual beer.

You: i've no idea what sassafras is but it's a good word

Technical error: server disconnected.

[Melodichaze]

Oh dear....

Is Del-boy falling through a bar really comedy's greatest moment?
Stranger 2: no
Stranger 1: no
Stranger 2: its the shittest show on earth
Stranger 2: its not even funny
Stranger 2: its just del boy saying rodney for thirty years
Stranger 2: piece of shit
Stranger 1: he also says cockney stuff a lot in old man clothes
Stranger 1 has disconnected

Is Del-boy falling through a bar really comedy's greatest moment?
Stranger 1: Business is a bit shaky rodder's profits are down...
Stranger 2: i thought this was your mom getting out of bed
Stranger 2: IT was*
Stranger 1: no we had that bitch last night mate
stranger 2: u r fat
stranger 2 has disconnected

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!
Question to discuss:
Is Del-boy falling through a bar really comedy's greatest moment?
Stranger 1: Huh?
Stranger 1: DELL BOY!
Stranger 1: OHH
Stranger 2: no one watches that bad tasted english sit com shit
Stranger 1: ONLY
Stranger 1: FOOLS
Stranger 1: AND HORSES!
Stranger 1: I WATCH IT.
Stranger 2: i think it's time to get better taste
Stranger 1: it is funny
Stranger 1: :)
Stranger 2: and i'll leave you to it
Stranger 2 has disconnected

Is Del-boy falling through a bar really comedy's greatest moment?
Stranger 1: Yes.
Stranger 2: no
Stranger 2: of course it isnt
Stranger 1: I like only fools and horses
Stranger 2: i don't
Stranger 2: its overplayed slapstick
Stranger 1: but it is not comedy's greatest moment
Stranger 2: blackadder, black books, the mighty boosh, father ted
Stranger 2: all good comedy
stranger 1: I like bacon
Stranger 1 has disconnected

Is Del-boy falling through a bar really comedy's greatest moment?
Stranger 2: yes
Stranger 1: ?
Stranger 2: its british
Stranger 1: oh nvm then
Stranger 2: Only Fools and Horses
Stranger 2: You don't like the British?
Stranger 1: not really
Stranger 2: asl?
Stranger 1: bridget jones is about as much as I can stomach
Stranger 1: 22 f ohio
Stranger 2: 31 m London
Stranger 1 has disconnected

Is Del-boy falling through a bar really comedy's greatest moment?
Stranger 2: del boy?
Stranger 1: yes
Stranger 1: yes it is
Stranger 2: link?
Stranger 1: look it up on youtube: delboy falls through bar
Stranger 2: thx
Stranger 2: brb
Stranger 1: actually spy - I'd say that the chandilier was better.
Stranger 1 has disconnected

[BlodwynPig]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hello
Stranger: asl?
You: aslan?
You: asleep?
Stranger: age,sex,location?
You:
is that a new TV series?
Stranger: yes
You: which channel
Stranger: 50
You: I dont have that many channels here
Stranger: sorry
You: i get by
You: i heard they got colour on some TVs these days

[Melody Lee]

Stranger: hey
You: hey there (just followed a link to get here, seems interesting heh)
Stranger: hi. :=_
Stranger: :-)
You: :) so, how are ya?
You: and who are ya, hehe
Stranger: asl?
You: 27 m uk
Stranger: oh
Stranger: f, ireland
You: nice to bump into you, stranger.
Stranger: yhaa :) u got a name? :-)
You: aah, yes. A name. I have one of those. I'm Lee :)
Stranger: hi Lee :-) I'm Sinead. (shinn-aid, b4 u ask)
You: Hi Sinead :)
Stranger: hi
You: Have you used this site before?
Stranger: yhaa im on it a wyl. wbu?
You: this is the first time i've been here. thought it sounded interesting... just being thrown into a chat with someone
Stranger: yhaa :) :) u marreed?
You: not yet. maybe one day
You: how about yourself?
Stranger: nope. me neether. mssgs v slow. u on a mobi?
You: I am yeah
Stranger: oky
You: weird question - if you could talk about absolutely anything without worry, what would it be? it could be silly or serious or whatever :)
Stranger: meetin afta skwl :-)

...At which point I took my leave, what with it all getting potentially quite weird.

[PaulTMA]

ou're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello
You: DO YOU LIKE BIG DEALS?
Stranger: whts yor name
Stranger: and no#
You: MY NAME IS GARRY GARY BEERS, I PLAY BASS FOR INXS
Stranger: ok
You: I'M NOT GAY
You: HONEST
You: DO YOU LIKE BIG DEALS?
You: WWW.GOOGLE.COM
Stranger: thats a fucked up name 4 a guy and a band, even 4 that calibre
You: I KNOW, I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH COMIC RELIEF/GOSH
Stranger: stop writing in capitals
You: OK
Stranger: u high
You: I'M NOT GAY
Stranger: ok
Stranger: i know
Stranger: i never said u were
You: I DID A DRAWING OF CHEVY CHASE ONCE
Stranger: well done
You: BUT I'VE NEVER DONE A SHIT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
You: AND I'M NOT GAY
Stranger: ok
Stranger: we have gatherd that ur not gay
You: I WISH I COULD HEAR MIKE & THE MECHANICS FART
You: JUST ONCE
Stranger: but i think u need help
Stranger: where do u live
You: THE DRAINS
Stranger: in which city
You: GOTHAM
You: CITY OF JUSTICE
You: CITY OF PEACE
You: WE ARE THE LAST TRULY ENGLISH PEOPLE YOU WILL EVER KNOW
Stranger: ok well i live in narnia, so u might need to wait
Stranger: I am english
You: ENGLAND FOR THE ENGLISH
Stranger: u bnp
You: THE BNP WOULDN'T WANT ME
You: I CAN'T DO THE SALUTE PROPERLY
Stranger: haha
You: ROAR
Stranger: whats your name
You: GARY GARRY BEERS
You: BY THE WAY
You: I'M GAY
You: I CAN REMOVE A TESTICLE WITHOUT BREAKING THE SKIN
You: I CAN SHOW U
You: HOW DO IT
You: AH
Stranger: I know all about Jourdan Gary
You: I WISH I COULD BE BUGGERED TO DEATH BY DAVID A. STEWART & HIS SPRITUAL COWBOYS LIVE ON THE SUPER CHANNEL 1993
Stranger: And Glen Fender
Stranger: They had an affiar
You: I GOT AN ERECTION WHEN GARY OLSEN DIED
You: SINCE THEN: NOTHING
Stranger: when u lived in australia
You: BACK IN THE DAYS OF LISTENING LIKE THIEVES
You: LIKE MCALMONT
You: BEFORE HE MET HIS BUTLER
You: I'M NOT GAY BTW
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[Delete Delete Delete]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Question to discuss:
im a 16 year old girl and have kissed 7 guys. how old are you and how many have you kissed?
You: what a whore
Stranger: 23 male and a lot
You: she gotta have an STD all ready
Stranger: i figure youve had one too
You: You know that it happens in 50 percent of kissing amoungst under 18's
You: She should go to a doctor and get checked out
Stranger: arent std's sexually tansmitted
You: Kissing is sexual contact
You: exchange of fluid
Stranger: but the fluid is minor... like you cant get hiv from a kiss
You: what if they had amouth ulcer
You: erghhhh
Stranger: hmmm true
You: she has almost definitly got aids
Stranger: very very very unlikely
Stranger: if she had aids, she wouldnt be on here
You: 7 guys thats like russian roulette
You: shit,do you think she can give us aid through the keyboard
Stranger: no. because she doesnt have aids
You: I can feel myself getting hot
Stranger: youre a prick
You: don't talk to somebody with aids like that
Stranger: you dont immediatly get aids
Stranger: you get hiv
You: posative?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: me?
You: Negative
Stranger: no wait what?
You: I think I got HIV
Stranger: ummm ok
You: that 16 year old skank gave it me through the keyboard
You: i'm gonna sue
Stranger: ok you do that
You: will you be my star witness/
Stranger: but money doesnt help if youre gonna die ;)
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[PaulTMA]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: HI SUP
Stranger: m/f
You: F
Stranger: m 25
You: F 3
Stranger: 3?
You: DO YOU LIKE THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH?
Stranger: sure do
You: FUCKING YASSSSS
You: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BISCUIT BOY
You: AKA CRACKERMAN?
Stranger: lol no
You: FAT CHANCE/
Stranger: would u like 2 suck my cock
You: ARE YOU LIKE PRINCE
Stranger: bigger
You: BUT U LIKE 2 TYPE LIKE HIM
You: U MUST BE HIM THEN
Stranger: sure
You: WHAT DO YOU LIKE THE MOST ABOUT THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH?
Stranger: your pussy
You: OOOOH WAT
You: THEN I MUST SAY.....
You: WELCOME 2 THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH
You: LOL
Stranger: can u show me
You: THAT DEPENDS
Stranger: on
You: ?
Stranger: what
You: IF U MEET ME.
You: I NEED A LITTLE TIME.
Stranger: y
You: TO THINK IT OVER
You: I'D LIKE TO MEET U
Stranger: ok
Stranger: yeah u would
You: COOL
You: IT COULD BE ROTTERDAM
You: (OR ANYWHERE)
You: YOU KNOW YOUR PROBLEM? YOU KEEP IT ALL IN!
You: GO LET IT OUT.
Stranger: o its out
You: OLD RED EYE IS BACK? ;)
Stranger: yes he is
You: WELL THEN
You: LET LOVE SPEAK UP ITSELF?
Stranger: how old r u?
You: 36D
Stranger: ok
You: BUT I CARRY ON REGARDLESS
Stranger: show me your pussy
You: SUPERBI?
Stranger: please
You: IF YOU PRETEND TO BE DAVE HEMMINGWAY ME 4 ME.
Stranger: yeah right
You: OR U'LL SAIL THIS SHIP ALONE
Stranger: k bye
You: CRACKERMAN!
You: ;( FAT CHANCE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I posed the question "Are You Happy?" and received this:

Stranger 1: Nope.
Stranger 1: I'm you.
Stranger 2: directed by M. Night. Shyamalan

Maybe it's because I'm completely smashed right now, but I'm impressed by the quick wit of Stranger 2.

[Noodle Lizard]

Well, this one went nowhere:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: heyyy
Stranger: hey
You: asl?
Stranger: m 19 manila
You: oo manila? wheres that!
Stranger: philippines
You: hawt
Stranger: you
You: 13/f/frog balls, AK
Stranger: AK means?
You: Arkansas, silly!
You: like ........ in America???
Stranger: are you american people
You: lol ya im just a regular all-american country gal, sweetums
Stranger: i love you
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[Petey Pate]

I was hoping that I would learn something about the attitudes of Koreans...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hey:)
Stranger: asl?
You: 50, hermaphrodite, Spain
You: you?
Stranger: 18, f, south korea
You: I look more male than female, don't worry
You: we can pretend for now
Stranger: ?
You: what's your opinion of Lee Myung-bak?
Stranger: sorry, but I'm female
Stranger: a..
Stranger: Do you know south korea?
You: I know who their leader is, yes
You: never been there
Stranger: I think..
Stranger: he is good
Stranger: good leader
Stranger: but
Stranger: It can not be good
You: what did you think when North Korea attacked the border last year?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[Noodle Lizard]

I'll trade you your Korean girl for my Manilan man.

[BlodwynPig]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: heii
Stranger: asl
You: heil
You: asleep?
You: aslan?
You: he is a lion
Stranger: heii
You: you are Japanese?
Stranger: asian
You: which part
Stranger: from bali
You: you are aslan?
You: oh, asian, not aslan
You: Indonesian
You: Lionesian?
Stranger: yes
Stranger: u?
You: Narnia
Stranger: where is it?
You: through a wardrobe

[Petey Pate]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey
Stranger: m/f
You: f
You: you?
Stranger: wanna send pics
Stranger: m
You: send me yours first
Stranger: plz u send frist
You: what do you hope to get out of this?
You: why should I send my first
Stranger: good pics
You: to do what with?
You: do you have your dick out?
You: are you horny?
Stranger: yes and yes and jerk off
You: you're going to have to make me horny before I send you any pics ;)
You: describe yourself
Stranger: i will fuck u so hard u wont be able to sit!!!
You: I quite like sitting, it's very useful in life
You: also, I might be really fat and ugly for all you know
Stranger: i have a 10 inch dick
You: bullshit
You: how big is it really?
Stranger: it is so cum and measer it
You: its okay, I'm easy, you don't have to lie about your size
Stranger: uhhhh im noy
You: i don't believe you
Stranger: im really a 6 inch
You: ha ha
You: I knew it
Stranger: now u want to?
You: want to what?
Stranger: send
You: I'm still not horny
Stranger: i bet u want my dick right now
You: depends
You: it might belong to a total arsehole, as well as being near one
You: how old are you anyway?
Stranger: 19
You: same
You: try harder to make me horny
Stranger: we could have sex for 24 hours non stop
You: I'm sure I'd get bored eventually
You: like more than half an hour is enough for me
You: have you even ever had sex?
Stranger: nahh not with me
You: it's hard work
Stranger: yes
You: I bet you'd ejaculate within seconds
You: when you see my designer vagina
Stranger: YESS
You: what so you couldn't last 24 hours?
You: you'd just come straight away like a loser
Stranger: i would make 15 kids wiyh u!!!
You: urgh I hate kids
You: serious turn off
Stranger: do u like the taste of cum cause i got alot
You: what flavour?
Stranger: any kind baby
You: eat pineapple before so it tastes better
Stranger: okay
You: have you got a pineapple?
Stranger: yess
You: good, are you going to use it
Stranger: yess
You: are you jerking off right now?
Stranger: so i com in your mouth
Stranger: yess
You: yeah I thought so
You: what do you imagine me to look like
Stranger: beeezutiful wit a nice pussy a boobi
You: just one boob?
You: you're weird
Stranger: mess up boobz
You: what do you look like?
You: describe your face to me
Stranger: blue eyes dirty blond hair
You: dirty hair?
You: has it got cum in it or something?
You: jessh
Stranger: no
You: whats in your hair then thats making it so dirty
Stranger: u never herd of dirty blonde hair
You: oh dirty BLOND hair
You: that's like my hair
You: that's growing out of my vagina
Stranger: cool NOW SEND PICS
You: no you
You: you still jerking off?
You: I bet you've already came
Stranger: YESS AND YESS
You: send pics
You: then I'll send you mine
Stranger: YESS
Stranger: EMAIL
Stranger: fleeglej@ymail.com
Stranger: semd me yours
You: what pics you got anyway?
You: what they of?
Stranger: penis
You: face and dick?
Stranger: yess
You: [friend's email address]
Stranger: yess sent ;)
You: by the way
You: that's not my email address
You: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stranger: COOL
You: why is it cool?
You: you've just sent a random person a picture of your dick
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Horny people really are stupid.

[Noodle Lizard]

Somewhat related - Doug Stanhope is the king of trolling horny people on chatrooms:

http://www.baiting.org/Logs/Doug+Stanhope/991292603/

http://www.baiting.org/Logs/I+Like+Little+Girls%21/992547001/

[Nobody Soup]

I am loving your work petey and paul.

I went on this morning to do this again and was taken aback by a rather polite person from california who is now on my facebook. must try harder.

[Nobody Soup]

Stranger: heey i'm a hot 14 your old boy from australia wanna chat?
You: yeah sure
Stranger: asl?
You: *rubs hands together with sinister glee*
You: er 15 f australia town, australia
Stranger: really... :/ convince me
You: *cackles maniacally as thunder crashes over head*
You: I looked out the window and there was one of those stupid jumping things you have there.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[Petey Pate]

I liked the anecdote someone had on here of proof reading a Taiwanese person's essay so I thought I'd try that out.  I kind of feel a bit bad because the person I'm winding up didn't seem like a total dick.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: : Hello I am person from Taiwan can you do me favour?
You: what is your country of living?
You: do you read good english well?
Stranger: hello i m male
You: do you have email?
Stranger: [email address]
You: would you proof read essay that I written in language of english?
Stranger: i cant understand
You: I could send you money
You: my english is not all that well together
Stranger: proof means translate?
You: no you would be checking for errors
You: where I have written english wrong and bad
Stranger: yeah sure send it on my mail. and i will send you back at your mail
You: ok I am now thanking you
You: are you receiving email?
Stranger: tell your facebook account
You: I not use facebook
You: facebook is very wrong and bad
You: people I know been killed
Stranger: ok when you send me the mail today?
You: you should be receiving it now
Stranger: ok my name is kamil and i m from india
You: oh India
Stranger: ok wait i will check
You: you know how to talk to English people
You: ??
Stranger: yeah sure
You: ok I am not very much good at speaking it cause it is bad when it comes out from language area on face
You: what is word for language area on face?
You: it is nose or rectum?
Stranger: language area means i didnt get it?
You: ok I think word is for rectum
You: when language comes out of my rectum people have problem with hearing it
Stranger: you mean mouth lips throat
You: what is mouth?
You: is that body part?
Stranger: mouth means human head
You: head is on other side of testicles?
Stranger: head is upper part of body
Stranger: you should take help from google
You: I cannot use google, my country has blocked it
You: I am learning from chatting on website like this
Stranger: oh my god google is blocked?
You: yes my country says it is unspeakable evil and very wrong
Stranger: ok tell me your query i will seach it from google for you ok.
You: ok where is head on body?
Stranger: the mose upper part of body. not the feet it is the most lower part of body.
You: ok so feet is body part that goes on floor?
You: you only have one number of heads?
Stranger: yes only one head. i will send photograph of it ok
You: so head is part nearer to ceiling?
You: what is photograph?
You: is photograph like moving pages of image
You: ????
Stranger: no photograph is a image still image
You: still image in always same image?
Stranger: still means pause ok
You: pause is like what is on end of cat animal?
Stranger: no no pause is a situation means no movement
You: so are you sending me head image?
Stranger: i dont know your mail.
Stranger: and plz make a profile in facebook it helps a lot.
You: I no cannot use facebook
You: it is website that is blocked by country
You: dangerous
You: I could be beaten wrongly by police soldiers
Stranger: oh man your county is sucked.
You: have face blown over other side of feet and testicles
Stranger: dont you have dictionary,
You: my country is not sucked
You: it is best country
You: better than country that you have
Stranger: man i dont mean that but very strict
You: strict is good
You: better than india where evil people live
You: people there killing each other and many a great numbers of prostitutes
You: evil
Stranger: not all are good and not all are evil
You: all prostitutes are not good
You: is every person in india working as prostitute?
Stranger: i m indian and i will help you without knowing you and i m not interested in your money too
You: no you are tricking me
You: you are being wrong
Stranger: dude i m a student and i m not even ask you for money man.
You: EVIL!
You: EVIL!!!!!!!
You: I am angry so hurt face on computer
Stranger: so you hate indian this is the point ha.
You: might have broken rectum
You: serious stuff that is red coming out
You: what is word for red stuff that come out of body?
Stranger: blood
You: blood is coming out of my rectum
You: it is over keyboard
Stranger: why, what r u doing right now?
You: i am so angry hurt face on computer
You: it is your fault
Stranger: what is my fault.
You: blood coming out rectum
You: it is your fault
Stranger: can i know your name and age?
You: no I cannot tell you name and age you might be word for person that plays with children in bad way
You: what is word for person that plays for children?
Stranger: your attitude is very bad . good bye
You: no your attitude is evil like india
You: india people very evil
You: EVIL
You: ANGRY GARGHH
You: FUCK FUCK
You: more blood is coming out of ears and rectum
You: YOU MADE ME ANGRY
You: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: i m not typing even a bad word for you.
You: YOU SHALL BE BEATEN WRONGLY BY EVIL INDIAN PEOPLE
You: IT IS YOUR FAULT I HAVE BLOOD
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

[Petey Pate]

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!
Question to discuss:
Ddo you believe in God?
Stranger 1: Keyboard cowards who make fun of 9 11 wet their beds, masturbate with teddy bears, are criminally insane Eurotrash, and cannot pleasure a woman properly. God Bless America

Wasn't expecting that.

[Cohaagen]

This seems as good a place to post this.

About five years ago a girl I know moved to Toronto for a year, leaving her laptop with me to use as I pleased. The first night I used it, an MSN Messenger message popped up - she hadn't logged out of her account. I'd never been on Messenger before, but decided to reply anyway. Subsequently, over the course of about a month, loads of sad, randy dudes harassed me for sex chat and "pics". Christ knows how long she'd been speaking to these guys, but I laughed 'til my wheels off suckering one poor bastard after another while watching crazed action movies and drinking white cider.

It is only polite, and no crime at all, to take the piss when people are so willingly giving it away.

tom says:
u there
Gill says:
hold on, i'm shooting up. with u in a mo
tom says:
sounds cool
tom says:
have u a cam
Gill says:
oh shit...
tom says:
what
Gill says:
i think ive oversdosedd. i feel reall;y heavy
tom says:
where u from again
Gill says:
i'm slipping away
tom says:
lol
Gill says:
call a fucking ambulance
tom says:
out of cred
Gill says:
it wasnt meant to be like this.
tom says:
lol u mad
Gill says:
im on thee floor now and the dog is licking my face
tom says:
lucky dog
Gill says:
do you believe in jesus
tom says:
where u from again sexy
Gill says:
val verde
tom says:
any pics
Gill says:
just bodies
Gill says:
i'm watching death wish 3 just now as im tripping. theres purple trails coming off bronson and fraker looks like a big snake
tom says:
lick ur clit
Gill says:
i cant. im an alien hermaphrodite. u want 2 buy some acid
Gill says:
how about some crack
tom says:
gis ur mobile no
Gill says:
0797XXXXXXX. i'm hot as a fucking griddle now
(I used my ex-boss' mobile number here)

(ten minutes passes)

Gill says:
i'm calling the police as i type this!!!!!!111

lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
hi there
Gill says:
step into my parlour...
lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
cool
Gill says:
did u manage 2 get n e of that taped 4 me?????
lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
sorry i think u have the wrong person
Gill says:
i thought u were taping death wish 3 for me?
lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
i think u have the wrong person
Gill says:
that's cool. how u anyway? i just rolled a big fatty from
the thompson directory smoking out 2 sum bronson wiiiiiild sheeit dog
lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
cool
lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
am god thanks
Gill says:
really? um, I ain't smokin nothing officer
lothian_**@hotmail.com says:
ur a police officer
Gill says:
i'm judge, jury and executioner
Gill says:
woah, kersey just popped a creep his in-test-ines went
everywher. nine feet. word of god.
Gill says:
sorry, been a LONG day!!!!1111

Keith says:
hi horn ball
Gill says:
yippee kay-ay, mr falcon
Keith says:
eh?
Gill says:
hey, mellow out man
Gill says:
how u doin?
Keith says:
very tired
Keith says:
apart from that ok
Gill says:
do u want a massage
Keith says:
mmm
Gill says:
one with all the trimmings
Keith says:
extras, yipee
Gill says:
yipee-kay-ay! lol lol lol lol lol lol
Gill says:
c'mon, slip off your briefs. i'll show u some stuff i learned in prison
Keith says:
now, go for it
Gill says:
is it hard????? i'll have u pulsing in an instant
Keith says:
sure is
Gill says:
i want that pipe steaming

Keith would like to send you the file "DSCN1113.JPG" (1114 Kb). Transfer time is less than 10 minutes with a 28.8 modem. Do you want to Accept (Alt+T) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?

You bet I accept. 'Keith', who seems to have been typing from his garage, then sent me a picture of his erect cock against a backdrop which worryingly featured cutting equipment and rows of hammers.

Keith says:
believe me now?
Gill says:
(sings) now i'm a believer...
Gill says:
i'm rubbing myself like a mental patient
Keith says:
send me a nice pic of ur tits again to my mobile
Gill says:
out of cred. i'm horny as a motherfucker. my twat smells like a skip
Keith says:
id luv 2 lick u out, send me a pic 2moro
Keith says:
ur cunt too
Gill says:
i'll message u a pic in a few mins. i'm fantasizing about ur fucking massive bulb
Keith says:
u like
Keith says:
?
Gill says:
i LOVE!!!!111 i'm thinking bout ur cock, but on charles bronsons body
Keith says:
send them now as im off to bed and cant let my fone beep there
Gill says:
here we go. enjoy

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "bgdbwiqu4.jpg" (26 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "bgdbwiqu4.jpg" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "bgdbwiqu4.jpg" is complete.

Another encounter with Keith The Penis Guy.

Keith says:
wat happened ur pics u promised?

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "brian.bmp" (469 Kb, less than 4 minutes with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "brian.bmp" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Keith says:
wats that

Transfer of "brian.bmp" is complete.



Keith says:
wat the fuk
Gill says:
thats me...after my changing.
Keith says:
nice
Keith says:
did u send me a pic the other nite like u said?
Gill says:
the dragon rampant. do you see. hold on a tick...

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "011.jpg" (46 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "011.jpg" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "011.jpg" is complete.



Gill says:
sorry wrong one again
Keith says:
jesus woman
Gill says:
how do u preview files
Keith says:
right click and pick view, depends
Keith says:
or change the way u view them
Gill says:
i'm using a 286
Gill says:
i think this is the one

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "013.jpg" (19 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "013.jpg" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "013.jpg" is complete.



Keith says:
wat r u on 2day
Keith says:
!
Gill says:
was that not it. shit. try again
Gill says:
sorry, im a bit slow. ive only got one aahhhhmm
Keith says:
hurry, my gf home soon
Gill says:
here we go

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "bgdbwi.jpg" (26 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "bgdbwi.jpg" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "bgdbwi.jpg" is complete.



Gill says:
i think i have a virus
Keith says:
wer? in ur pussy?
Gill says:
i got a message that said who the fuck are you and then it said death
Keith says:
jesus
Gill says:
this looks like it. sorr keith

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "gillkelly.jpg" (15 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "gillkelly.jpg" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "gillkelly.jpg" is complete.



Gill says:
what u think. thats me in the middle
Gill says:
my computer wont stop playing hall and oats. i think its fucked
Keith says:
ok
Gill says:
i think u have a nice clean penis

I'll split part 2 into another post.

[Cohaagen]

Part two. "Tom" again.

tom says:
hi
Gill says:
hi there
tom says:
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
tom says:
so any pics lol
Gill says:
we can give it a try
tom says:
cool

Waiting for tom to accept the file "g1.jpg" (48 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "g1.jpg" has been accepted by tom. Starting transfer...

Sending of "g1.jpg" to tom has failed.

Gill says:
i think i have a virus
tom says:
lol i do too
tom says:
will yiu email it
Gill says:
m pointer has turn into a penis and when i click it shoots white stuff
Gill says:
its sick
tom says:
wahts ur no ill call u
Gill says:
do u have a minicom?
tom says:
shit no
tom says:
waht u wanna do on fone
Gill says:
i need minicom i'm deaf. if u have a cam i can lip read what u saying
tom says:
bye

Mr A says:
hello?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i am receiving
Gill - here's for the championship says:
yeees??
Mr A says:
hey
Mr A says:
how u feeling?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i need a vacation
Mr A says:
lol
Mr A says:
i meant r u feeling better
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i feel good john
Mr A says:
im ally
Mr A says:
lol
Gill - here's for the championship says:
I'm Gill but you can call me...proteus
Mr A says:
proteus?
Mr A says:
isnt that a character from shakespear?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i cant remember
Gill - here's for the championship says:
um
Mr A says:
good name though
Mr A says:
feeling any friskier?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
very
Mr A says:
horny then?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
like a triceratops
Mr A says:
so very horny
Mr A says:
need a man?
Mr A says:

Gill - here's for the championship says:
send a picture of your glans
Mr A says:
lol
Mr A says:
ok
Mr A says:
can you give me a few mins i have compnay just now
Gill - here's for the championship says:
can i still send apicture of my faaaaaaaanny? will they mind?
Mr A says:
lol
Mr A says:
go f it
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ok hold on

Waiting for Mr A to accept the file "fane.jpg" (8 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Gill - here's for the championship says:
did u get that

Transfer of file "fane.jpg" has been accepted by Mr A. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "fane.jpg" is complete.



Mr A says:
?
Mr A says:
thats a guy
Gill - here's for the championship says:
shit. i think theres something wrong with my pc
Gill - here's for the championship says:
shall i try again
Mr A says:
yes
Mr A says:
i have one but its a bit bl;urred

Waiting for Mr A to accept the file "g103.jpg" (18 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "g103.jpg" has been accepted by Mr A. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "g103.jpg" is complete.



Gill - here's for the championship says:
send away

Mr A would like to send you the file "coc.jpg" (38 Kb). Transfer time is less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem. Do you want to Accept (Alt+T) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?

Transfer of file "coc.jpg" from Mr A has been accepted. Starting transfer...

(Another picture of a man's cock here)

Gill - here's for the championship says:
all i got from u was a thumbnail of don king. r u sure ur pc is ok?
Mr A says:
think so
Mr A says:
no viruses etc etc
Gill - here's for the championship says:
wow shit. my coputer screen is flashing and making ghost noises
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i need to turn the contrast up to see ur pic but my fingers are taped together
Mr A says:
?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i got them trapped last night reaching for a dundee cake
Gill - here's for the championship says:
did my pic come throgh ok???
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ps iam masturbating
Mr A says:
did you get my pic?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
yeeeees. ugh ugh ugh ohh!!
Mr A says:
u like?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
my fanny is so wet i am practically leaving slug trails
Mr A says:
so you are up for meeting?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
sure
Mr A says:
today?
Mr A says:
your pics didnt come through
Mr A says:
all i got were 2 pics of guys
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i'll try again. yes iam DEFINITELY up 4 meeting xxxxx
Mr A says:
do you have a contact number?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
hold on a mo
Mr A says:
so can we go to yours, mine or a hotel
Gill - here's for the championship says:
anywhere is cool, as long as there's access 4 my wheelchair
Mr A says:
your taking the piss
Gill - here's for the championship says:
please don't be cruel. u seem nice and i dig ur pecker
Mr A says:
why you saying your in a wheelchair?
Mr A says:
your standing up in your pics
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i was braced against a hidden support. i photoshopped it out afterwards. no one would touch me if they thought i was a crip
Gill - here's for the championship says:
it all still works down there
Mr A says:
you being serious
Mr A says:
i hear so much bullshit on here its not real
Gill - here's for the championship says:
there are no laughs in multiple sclerosis
Gill - here's for the championship says:
believe me
Mr A says:
so your in a wheelchair?
Mr A says:
why didnt you tell me this at first
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i encounter a lot of prejudice. trust me, i can still move when i get my blood up
Mr A says:
so you are still able bodied
Gill - here's for the championship says:
pretty much yeah. i mean i have a bag fitted but none of my other boyfs seemed to give a fuck
Mr A says:
a bag?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
n e way, u still want 2 meet. i need to get my transportation sorted
Mr A says:
gill i am sorry i dont believe you
Mr A says:
i think your winding me up
Mr A says:
fucking me about
Gill - here's for the championship says:
u ar fucking INHUMAN!!!
Mr A says:
why didnt you tell me this at first
Gill - here's for the championship says:
do u fucking know what its like??? DO YOU?? seeing the world thru a dirty window?????
Mr A says:
but gill
Mr A says:
you work in a bar
Gill - here's for the championship says:
they set up a system of pulleys for me
Gill - here's for the championship says:
and I have a sheepdog that fetches empty glasses for me
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ok i showed the photo of ur dick to my mother and she says its OK if I meet u
Mr A says:
this is bullshit
Mr A says:
goodbye
Gill - here's for the championship says:
not shit! energy!
Gill - here's for the championship says:
u want to buy some heroin?

colin says:
hi
Gill - here's for the championship says:
gill, whose face is a mass of entrails, says hi
Gill - here's for the championship says:
just kidding. hello
colin says:
how ru what u upto today
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i was out chopping logs earlier on. then i went to the park - fed a deer, did a bit of fishing
colin says:
cool u wanna meet up
Gill - here's for the championship says:
okay. do u know the sunspot motel?
colin says:
where is that
Gill - here's for the championship says:
cooke knows where it is. i'll take u to meet him
colin says:
nah
Gill - here's for the championship says:
how bout we go to mcdonalds
colin says:
which one
Gill - here's for the championship says:
they have an underwater one in south queensferry
colin says:
lol
colin says:
ur funny
Gill - here's for the championship says:
at the deep sea world I mean!
colin says:
meet u at the bridge
Gill - here's for the championship says:
which one
colin says:
u decide
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i'll have to drive my gritting lorry there
colin says:
lol
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i'll be ready john
colin says:
u got apic
Gill - here's for the championship says:
what KIND of pic? sumthing saucy?
colin says:
if uwant
Gill - here's for the championship says:
hold on then
Gill - here's for the championship says:
check it out

Waiting for colin to accept the file "gill0134.bmp" (291 Kb, less than 3 minutes with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

colin says:
where

Transfer of file "gill0134.bmp" has been accepted by colin. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "gill0134.bmp" is complete.



colin says:
thats not u
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i got it from my internet explorer cache. is it not me?
fuck. wat is it
colin says:
lol
Gill - here's for the championship says:
this is it

Waiting for colin to accept the file "g1.jpg" (48 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "g1.jpg" has been accepted by colin. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "g1.jpg" is complete.

[Cohaagen]

Third and final part, which includes a complete emotional meltdown from "Keith" The Penis Guy.

Incidentally, I've only heard bits and pieces back from people in the aftermath of all this, but apparently at least two of the guys involved are definitely going to kick fuck out of me if they see me around in Edinburgh.

ally says:
hiya
Gill - here's for the championship says:
hola
ally says:
hows you today
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i gots the menstrial cramps bad
ally says:
aww babe not so good
Gill - here's for the championship says:
cant do nothing bout my monthly flow
ally says:
v true, where in edinburgh you at again been ages since we chatted
Gill - here's for the championship says:
do u know a place called scorpio leisure

('Scorpio Leisure' is a notorious hoorhouse in Edinburgh)

ally says:
in leith
Gill - here's for the championship says:
yeah
ally says:
yup i do v near easter rd
Gill - here's for the championship says:
well i stay next to it
ally says:
cool what age ect
Gill - here's for the championship says:
suspect is 5ft 6, brown hair, and shes one gigantic
motherfuuuuuucker
ally says:
lol really
Gill - here's for the championship says:
haha just kidding
ally says:
lol
Gill - here's for the championship says:
so tell me what ya want. they say you offerin me
favours, mr policeman babylon
ally says:
you married got a b-f
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i have a boyf but he not around too much spends most his time down the dojo
ally says:
dojo?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
never mind. u got a pic?
ally says:
yeh you?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
sure do
ally says:
cool 1 min

ally would like to send you the file "Picture 71.jpg" (70 Kb). Transfer time is less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem. Do you want to Accept (Alt+T) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?

Transfer of file "Picture 71.jpg" from ally has been accepted. Starting transfer...

You have successfully received etc.



ally says:
your turn
Gill - here's for the championship says:
hold on a mo
ally says:
k
Gill - here's for the championship says:
wow? wat the fuck happened there?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
r u sure ur pc is okay?
The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
r u sure ur pc is okay?
ally says:
hey babe soz for dissapaering
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ok. btw i think theres something wrong with ur pc
ally says:
how
Gill - here's for the championship says:
when u sent ur pic all i got was this. i'll send it

Waiting for ally to accept the file "Picture 71.jpg" (3 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "Picture 71.jpg" has been accepted by ally. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "Picture 71.jpg" is complete.



ally says:
yeh right
ally says:
never seen that in my life
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i;m not too good with computers
ally says:
was a rasta bloke lol
Gill - here's for the championship says:
u want 2 see my pics???
ally says:
yeh
Gill - here's for the championship says:
hold on a sec
ally says:
k

Waiting for ally to accept the file "g01778.jpg" (9 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "g01778.jpg" has been accepted by ally. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "g01778.jpg" is complete.



Gill - here's for the championship says:
did that work
ally says:
looks like a guy with black hair no offence
Gill - here's for the championship says:
sorry. i'm using a puter with an arab keyboard. i got it
in dubai. i'll try again
ally says:
k lmao

Waiting for ally to accept the file "g17.png" (11 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "g17.png" has been accepted by ally. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "g17.png" is complete.



ally says:
yourtaking the piss eh
ally says:
lmao
Gill - here's for the championship says:
sorry. shit. what did u get?
ally says:
an animated pic
Gill - here's for the championship says:
fuck it. i'll try again. i'm using a cray
ally says:
k
Gill - here's for the championship says:
the cpu is a neural net processor
ally says:
i see

Waiting for ally to accept the file "gillnew010206.jpg" (44 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "gillnew010206.jpg" has been accepted by ally. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "gillnew010206.jpg" is complete.



ally says:
nope 2 guys dressed up
ally says:
i'd get a new keyboard
Gill - here's for the championship says:
okay i'm using voice commands now
ally says:
lol
Gill - here's for the championship says:
this should work
ally says:
k

Waiting for ally to accept the file "gill16.jpg" (32 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "gill16.jpg" has been accepted by ally. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "gill16.jpg" is complete.



ally says:
forget it
Gill - here's for the championship says:
stop!
Gill - here's for the championship says:
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
ally says:
your fuckin nuts
Gill - here's for the championship says:
save it for the judge asshole

Keith says:
hi
Keith says:
ive asked my gf 4 a break
Gill - here's for the championship says:
hold on a sec, got 2 turn my stereo down
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ok thats it. i was listening 2 sum death metal. wats that bout ur gf?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
keith? hello?
Keith says:
?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
wat were u saying bout ur girlf?
Keith says:
yea, i asked her for a break
Keith says:
it broke her heart
Gill - here's for the championship says:
tough break. u know what I say? shit 'appens.
Keith says:
but she is very good 2 me and i no she addores me
Gill - here's for the championship says:
how is she good?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
in what way
Keith says:
she does everything for me and is very good around the house and i dont no y i cant be happy with her
Gill - here's for the championship says:
have u thought bout seeing a psychic?
Keith says:
me
Keith says:
y
Gill - here's for the championship says:
it might open your miiind
Keith says:
im sori but i can hardly see the screen , im fucking crying
Keith says:
sori
Gill - here's for the championship says:
jesus christ, man
Keith says:
u there
Gill - here's for the championship says:
sorry i was making a cocoa
Keith says:
wat wer u gonna say?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
this might cheer u up
Keith says:
wat

Waiting for Keith to accept the file "highlander.JPG" (36 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "highlander.JPG" has been accepted by Keith. Starting transfer...

Transfer of "highlander.JPG" is complete.



Keith says:
wat will cheer me up????
Gill - here's for the championship says:
can u give me 10 mins? i've got to, er, do something else. back soon
Keith says:
tell me something
Keith says:
??
Gill - here's for the championship says:
crom smiles upon u
Keith says:
eh?
Keith says:
tell me someting
Gill - here's for the championship says:
like what
Keith says:
wat did we talk about the other day
Gill - here's for the championship says:
seriously? no way, man. i can't even remember what i had for breakfast
Keith says:
so ur pretending 2 be gill 2day again eh
Gill - here's for the championship says:
i have no idea wat ur talkingbout
Keith says:
wat did u send me the other day, and this u wudn 4get
Gill - here's for the championship says:
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
Keith says:
close
Keith says:
try again
Gill - here's for the championship says:
tell me wat u want, mr policeman babylon
Keith says:
do u get a thrill out of pretending or wat
Gill - here's for the championship says:
life is a cabaret old chum
Keith says:
not mine unfortunaltely
Keith says:
hello carla
Gill - here's for the championship says:
seriously, like, we're 2 burglars really. we broke into gills flat and chopped her up and stuck her in the bath
Keith says:
u seem 2 be so heartless
Keith says:
i just cant get u at all
Keith says:
1
Gill - here's for the championship says:
the more contact i have with people the more i learn
Keith says:
so y cant u just be honest with me now
Keith says:
and stop this shite
Gill - here's for the championship says:
have u heard the new Vader album
Keith says:
pls answer me
Gill - here's for the championship says:
their new drummer is shit
Keith says:
bye
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ok, speak to u soon
Keith says:
i hope not
Gill - here's for the championship says:
you cant seeeee the eyes of the demon...until ee come callin
Keith says:
wud u fuckin wise up and even better just die in a corner somewere
Gill - here's for the championship says:
ok, seriously now. i'm just pretending to be her. c is a nice girl who pays her debts and speaks three languages. you'd better not give her a hard time
Gill - here's for the championship says:
or i will stick u in the camel clutch
Keith says:
we r very good mates and i dont like the way ur making a fool outta her
Keith says:
y?
Gill - here's for the championship says:
how the fuck should I know? i'm a 14 your old kid from hong kong. all i did was crack her password. jesus

[Nobody Soup]

see, this illustrates a wider point for me. This basically is what people do to get women, I've never went to even a 100th of these lengths, these guys just seem to be prepared to get the shit kicked out of their pride and still fawn all over some girl in the slimmest hope of getting something out of it. It's bare-faced persistence, and it's annoying because it obviously works (I can report from the other side that imagining you have some diginity definitely does not)