Peter Kay Quest

[Theremin]

Hello everyone! Let's play Peter Kay Quest.

A quest is a role-playing game in which you, the people of CaB, take on the persona of a fictional person in a world I describe. The point of the game is to complete your character's goals, in whatever manner you see fit.

Sometimes, in order to complete a difficult task, I'll ask you to roll a six-sided dice, using (http://www.roll-dice-online.com/), and then post the result.

1-2 = Failure, 3-4 = Partial Success, 5-6 = Complete Success

***

You are Peter Kay. Comedian, writer, and former bingo caller.

In the past decade, you have become one of the most successful stand-up comedians in the world. You have filled arenas with your adoring fans, and people flock in their droves to purchase the latest volume of your memoirs, just as soon as it arrives in their local branch of The Works.

Recently, you feel that people have begun to turn against you. Family, friends, and the public (in particular, joyless TV weatherpeople), no longer seem to greet you with the same vigour and lust for observation that they used to.

But, you think, today is the day that all that will change.

You have been cordially invited to attend, and speak, at a Gala luncheon this evening, hosted by the West Yorkshire Women's Institute. To celebrate, you have invited your semi-estranged friend, Patrick 'Paddy' McGuinness, who can also speak. While there, you hope to cement your reputation as an upstanding and charitable citizen, by selling the van-full of Christmas DVD's you have stashed in your garage.

You look around your Bolton mansion anxiously. It's almost time to leave, and Paddy McGuinness is nowhere to be seen. You're sure he was here a moment ago.

You are Peter Kay. What do you do?

***

Hit Points: 5

GOALS:

- Find Paddy McGuinness

- Flog a Van-Full of DVD's

- Attend the Gala Luncheon

[Consignia]

Remember things.

[Theremin]

Remember things.

You cast your mind back through the day's events, sifting over memories in search of a clue.

"T'day started normally." you think. "I got out of my king-sized bed, in t'shape of Bully (from Bullseye)'s face. I stripped off my silken pyjamas, the ones with t'diamond cufflinks, and slipped into my favourite jewel-encrusted purple polo shirt."

"Then," you strain, "I had me usual breakfast of champagne-flavoured panda pop and gourmet turkey twizzlers, finishing just in time to watch Challenge TV. Then Paddy arrived."

Roll to remember what happened next.

[Danger Man]

4

[Theremin]

4

Partial Success.

It comes to you slowly, and in fragments.

You remember Paddy's arrival, his beaming, berry-brown face yelping "Pete pang poo!" in a personalised greeting.

Afterwards, you had some drinks, and as the champagne panda-pop flowed freely, you remember a heated discussion breaking out over whether or not Take Me Out could be improved by the demotion of Paddy to a sidekick, and the introduction of a new, Peter Kay-shaped presenter, Peter Kay.

Then it hits you:

The garage. In a fit of (justifiable) rage, you locked Paddy McGuinness in the garage.

What do you do?

[Treguard of Dunshelm]

reflect on the spiritual teachings of meher baba

[Theremin]

reflect on the spiritual teachings of meher baba

Remembering the anger you felt, you take a moment to reflect on the mystic teachings of the Swami Meher Baba, who you met in a cafe in Rochdale, in 1987.

"Peter, lad," he intoned spritually, between bites of lardy cake, "you can't 'ang on to anger in this life, you'll just end it carrying it on to the next, and nothing were ever solved by ignoring it."

Your past self nods enthusiastically, despite this memory taking place 4 years before you were actually born.

"You can't do 'owt, because doing 'owt never got 'owt done." the Swami continues, stroking his whippet, Elsie. "Understand, lad?"

In the present, you feel a calm wash over you, and hear the voice of Paddy McGuinness float in from the garage.

"'Ello? Peter? Please let me out. I'm trim tram trapped."

What do you do?

[Big Jack McBastard]

Try to think of a hilarious line to open the garage door with before Paddy manages to free himself.

[Ein Sof]

Reach for transponder/remote garage key, but then I begin to reminisce about the days when people had to walk up to the door and turn the keyhole in order to open things - like when me Nan broke 'er hip after assaulting and haranguing a particularly troublesome padlock on t' shed door.

[Theremin]

Try to think of a hilarious line to open the garage door with before Paddy manages to free himself.

After that argument, Paddy McGuinness needs to learn his place. The only way to do this is to slam him down with your superior put-down skills, honed from years of non-working-men's clubs.

You take a seat on a nearby pasty-shaped armchair, and assume the lotus position, in the manner of the Siddhartha Buddha. ("Them religion of the world tapes from The Works were well worth the £2!" you think.)

Roll to come up with a put-down.

[Ein Sof]

5

[Big Jack McBastard]

Fuckin ell it's a 6!

[Theremin]

5

Success!

Inspiration hits you like a dart hits a bullseye, and an idea presents itself from the conveyer belt of your mind, closely followed by a SodaStream.

You bound over to the garage door, and triumphantly swing the door open.

"Trim tram trapped?" you bellow into Paddy McGuinness' artificially brown face. "Twim twam TWAT more like!".

What do you do?

[Consignia]

Combine bodies with Paddy McGuinness to form the ultimate comedian.

[Theremin]

Combine bodies with Paddy McGuinness to form the ultimate comedian.

As the funny words leave your clever mouth, you see the fight go out of Paddy McGuinness' eyes. His shoulders slump, his head droops, but he still retains that cheeky, chipmunk grin that allowed him to win the nation's hearts on Take Me Out.

THAT CHARM, you realise, is what you've been missing all along.

If you could only find a way to seize that charm for your own, you could be the greatest Northern comedian in the world, better even than the head of Les Dennis on the body of Lee Mack, with Frank Sidebottom's head on top of Les Dennis' head.

Roll to meld with Paddy McGuinness.

[Consignia]

2

[Theremin]

2

Failure.

Spurned on by drunkenness and the memories from a midnight viewing of The Thing, you hurl yourself bodily at Paddy McGuinness, and attempt to fuse with him.

Your neck folds reach him first, a double chin slapping him across the face like a dueling glove. His twiggy legs buckle easily under your weight, and you crash to the floor in a heap. Paddy hits his head hard against the concrete floor, and is pinned under your bulk.

You are Peter Kay. You have just given Paddy McGuinness a concussion. You have a Gala Ball to get to, and a reputation to save.

What do you do?

[Big Jack McBastard]

Drag Paddy by the ankles to the front door, the show must go on head injury or no.

Also ring limousine company for pick up, driver must be a fan so we can do bits on the way there.

[Theremin]

Drag Paddy by the ankles to the front door, the show must go on head injury or no.

Also ring limousine company for pick up, driver must be a fan so we can do bits on the way there.

Pulling yourself up, you drag Paddy into the kitchen, and do your best to sponge the blood off of his tuxedo.

"Him ham hurt." he burbles.

You leave him with a strong cup of coffee (in a Jim'll Fix It mug, censored with a marker pen some months back), and phone the limosine company you always use, Sean's 'Sines.

Sean answers the phone. "Alright, Mr. Kay? I'm afraid I've been held oop at t'office, and won't be able to make it out for another hour." he says.

What do you do?

[Treguard of Dunshelm]

get the hump, then remember the chuckle brothers owe me a favour or two.

[Theremin]

get the hump, then remember the chuckle brothers owe me a favour or two.

As excuses dribble out of Sean's mouth, you feel the rage rising within you, like with Paddy.

"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" you shout into the phone causing the chauffeur to audibly start. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" you continue, at a constant volume. "I'M PETER BLOODY KAY. EVERYBODY'S MATE!"

You slam the phone down, and search through your sausage roll-shaped rolodex for the Chuckle Brothers' number. They owe you big for when you helped them sort out their 'creative differences', during the production of that difficult 57th series.

Roll to blag a lift from the Chuckle Brothers.

[Treguard of Dunshelm]

3

[Theremin]

3

Partial Success!

Through careful needling, and the use of repetitive catchphrases, you manage to cajole the Chuckle Brothers into giving you and Paddy a lift to the Gala.

However, this is only on the condition that you get them both into the ball as well, Barry & Paul being rather lonesome before the pantomime season starts.

With the Chuckle Brothers on the way, you return to the kitchen to find Paddy slumped in his coffee, unconscious. This is bad.

What do you do?

[Old Thrashbarg]

Run in and skid on knees into Paddy to attempt revival.

[Theremin]

Run in and skid on knees into Paddy to attempt revival.

Thinking back to your school disco, you remember the time you saw your best friend skid on his knees across the dancefloor, and headbutt another child, inadvertantly saving him from choking on a grape.

"And," you think to yourself, "what's a concussion, but a choking of t'brain?"

You go to the other end of the room, and take a run-up.

Roll to skid Paddy back into consciousness.

[Danger Man]

6

[Theremin]

6

Exceptional Success!

You hurl yourself towards Paddy McGuinness knees first, with the practiced grace of an obese ballet dancer. You collide with Paddy's chair in a thunderous crash, that flips the chair, the table, and sends McGuinness himself in a full 360 degree air spin.

He lands with a crash on the kitchen counter, upside down, with his head in the sink.

A sickening moment passes, then Paddy springs to his feet, eyes bright, shouting "I'M BIDDY BADDY BACK!"

He leaps and dances around the kitchen with renewed vigour, and as he turns away from you, you see that the gaping hole in the back of his head has been plugged by an old teabag, presumably picked up from the sink.

You breathe a sigh of relief, and pick yourself up.

Outside, you hear the distinctive double-honk of the Chuckle Brothers' van.

You are Peter Kay. You have healed Paddy McGuinness, you have several boxes full of christmas DVD's to shift, and a Gala ball still to attend.

What do you do?

[Old Thrashbarg]

See the brothers Chuckle and immediately begin to reminisce.

[Theremin]

See the brothers Chuckle and immediately begin to reminisce.

You let the Giggle Siblings in the door, and the sight of Paul's (or is it Barry?) ageless, perma-wrinkled face send you into a sea of memory.

From the first time you drank a Yazoo milkshake, to the time you learned that people had once heard Kennedy had been shot, the entirety of time and space is yours to remember, like a gigantic 4th-dimensional buffet, a bubble of pastimes, a safe haven from the danger and cynicism of the world around you.

You wish that other people could experience the world this way, as you experience it, then immediately remember the first time you thought about that, and the first time you remembered it.

"Oh dear." says Paul (or is it Barry?).

"Oh dear, oh dear." continues Barry (or is it Paul?).

You have trapped yourself in a coma of memory.

What do you do?

[Big Jack McBastard]

Remember back to when a slightly silly accent married to a dollop of incredulity was all it took to get them laughing, not like now.

Attempt to remember only the glittering parts of my career and edit out the unfortunate bits like being a grasping mercenary.