LEGEND GARY

[Thursday]

Legend Gary keeps typing "GOOOAAAL" in the youtube livechat for the europa league final, even though there hasn't even been a goal!

[Glebe]

Ledge gets the red mist and goes full Begbie, ruining the night for a crowd at the bar by fucking all the glasses onto the floor with a sweep of his arm, punching Naffie Jake and headbutting Mr. Tavish. By the time the police are called, there's broken glass, smashed-up tables, blood, guts and mashed-up people everywhere.

[cptspalding]

LG back from another cracking night out with the boys.  Left Pubes to pay the taxi.  He always tells the driver to make sure Pubes is the last drop-off, what a twonk!

Swaggers around his gaff with his half a kebab in one hand, cheeky Fosters from the fridge in the other.  Flops himself down onto the sofa in front of the telly and scrolls up the channels, hoping to find a bit of late night softcore.  He knows there's better on his phone but sometimes doing it old skool is best.

Up to the next channel, some travel program, Up, some QVC ripoff, UP...wait what's this?  Gary, in his drunken stupor, becomes memorised at the Bollywood musical extravaganza he sees in front of him.  He fails to recognise that these people are not from his manor, that they would otherwise be at the end of some horrible race joke if he were with his friends.  He just sits there, dumbfounded by this cacophony of noise and of visual splendour.  "This is for me", repeats Gary in his head.

Gary starts tweeting how great this film is, and asks all his friends whether they have seen it.  He gets a few replies from the boys asking what he is on about and Gaz records some of the film on his phone and uploads it to YouTube.  He can't remember the last time he saw a film this good and wants to tell everyone about it.

Gary wakes up on the sofa, kebab still half-eaten but now on the floor.  A can of warm Fosters on the table. A phone with many, many unread messages.

You've got a lot of backtracking to do this morning, Gary.

[Old Gold Tooth]

Legend Gary hasn't drunk actual water since 2004. Lager, spirits and Monster energy drink fulfil all his liquid needs. The fact his piss is lurid orange is just a hilarious bonus.

[dex]

Legend Gary knows he's a cunt but doesn't care.

[Glebe]

Legend Gary comes home from a nightclub at 6AM and puts some of that modern acid grind music on at full volume. When Mr. Jeggins next door comes round to complain, Ledge is ready with the hammer.

[Old Gold Tooth]

Legend Gary doesn't see the fucking point in an office dress code. Shirts and ties are for funerals mate.

[Quincey]

Legend Gary accepts a payday loan firms offer to pay him £8000 in return for their logo being tattooed on his head.

Legend Gary's in the pub and a man across the bar is drinking a pint of orange juice. He loudly sneers at him in front of the entire pub at length. The man finishes his drink and leaves, never entering the pub again.

Legend Gary's cooking dinner for his girlfriend's friends. For a "laugh" he grates his pubes and sprinkles them into their dinners. Then adds some of his semen. Then some snot from his nose. Then a bit of poo from his arse.

Legend Gary pretends to fondle an old woman's boobs, sniggering to Pubes Dan as he does so.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Legend Gary Legend Garys. Another successful night of Legending for Gary.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary at the official disciplinary meeting lightens the mood with a cracking fart

It's because of that Gary. It's because of things like that.

[cptspalding]

The minute of silence was respected by millions across the country at 11am this morning.

Can you guess who entered the local Wetherspoons at 11:00:24am and broke that silence?

[Old Gold Tooth]

"Fucking quiet in here! Who died?!"

Legend Gary will claim he had no idea what he was doing so people should back the fuck off. Why should he apologise for an honest mistake? But at night he smiles to himself. Oh yeah. Legend Gary always knows what he's doing.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Legend Gary toe punts a can of Irn Bru at a squirrel. Misses by a mile. "I was aiming for the tree"

[Glebe]

LEGEND GARY IS WORKING CLASS. HE REPRESENTS THE WORKING CLASS.

Ledge subsequently fails to be elected MP for Basingstoke.

[dex]

Legend Gary's burger falls out of his hand and is unintentionally smushed into the mud by a group of goths in their new rock boots walking behind him. "It's grebo bashing time!" Ledge shouts before hell breaks loose.

[cptspalding]

All this lovely weather has got Gary out of the flat and onto a proper bender. We are into day two of this particular sesh and Pubes has updated Facebook to say that Gaz has convinced himself that he is abroad.

He spent most of the afternoon down on Southend beach in his England shirt, then wandered the town looking for a sports bar that did karaoke.  Daz went home soon after Gary asked a befuddled Ukrainian barman for "dos cervezas, por favor" and tried to pay in Euros.

[dex]

Legend Gary gets a gig on LBC to fill a recent vacancy. He lies when he promises not to swear.

[cptspalding]

"Seven second delay saves the f**kin day!", says Gary after his LBC producer has already mashed the dump button twice, just a minute into his new slot.  No Gary, the seven second delay doesn't work like that.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary smashes his fist through a pensioner's cream cake before menacingly taking a lick of his hand.

MMMM NOT BAD THAT

[Glebe]

Britney only realises now how unrealistic the possibility of Ledge laying on a candlelit dinner really was. Packet of bacon fries, that's y'lot...

[Quincey]

Legend Gary goes with Funny Fi and her kids to the local museum. A nice old lady volunteer is in character and tells the large group of adults and children watching her she is about to tell them some oral history.

"Haha, oral" Legend Gary shouts loudly. "Oral, haha." He nudges Funny Fi's kids. "Oral, get it?" The kids snigger as the old lady looks embarrassed.

Legend Gary uses the urinals in The Cunt and Catpurse and notices there is a flyer for a gay night "Backs against the wall!" he says to the person at the urinals next to him. The pair snigger while ignoring the irony of two men with their cocks out chatting.

[dex]

The LBC switchboard almost melts when Ledge does a "racist & coke" phone-in, where people can vent all their anger on air at all them darkies and curry munchers while Legend Gary sips a can of coke and sniggers in a high pitched fashion along with it all.

Move over Chris Moyles.... That Sony award is mine!!!

[dex]

Legend Gary stands up for the motorist by chinning Jeremy Vine, who just cut him up on his bike. Jeremy has previous so Ledge peanuts him too.

[Glebe]

Ledge is in the precinct, tossing bottles at people.

[JoeyBananaduck]

No money? No problem, mate.

Legend Gary gives the girl behind the counter a cheery wave as he absconds with a 12 pack of Stella.

[Old Gold Tooth]

Legend Gary well rates karaoke booths cos you can get wrecked then mercilessly take the piss out of all your mates' singing, but woe betide the cunt who dares to mock his rendition of The Whole of the Moon.

[Quincey]

Legend Gary is in Starbucks. When asked what name should go on his cup  he says Epic Shagger. Points to his made Sassy Sal and says cunt. The barista refuses until Legend Gary threatens to release the video of her and Pubes Dan snogging at a party.

Legend Gary's in the A&E. Nothing wrong with him, he just hasn't been for six years yet still has to pay for it in his taxes, may as well get some use out of it by asking about his cut finger.

Legend Gary cycles on the pavement and has a go at a bloke who has stopped to tie his shoelaces. "Stopped right in front of me", he snaps, forgetting he shouldn't be cycling on the pavement.

[Glebe]

Ledge finishes off his choc ice in the time it takes Pubes Das to knick a Kit Kat.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary swings a vienetta into a goose's face.

He has a backup vienetta in case it goes wrong

[dex]

Legend Gary feeds a beefburger to a swan to scratch a Partridge inspired itch.

Later he pours bleach onto Pubes Daz's head as a prank, unaware that peroxide for hair is a different thing all together.

Bedtime rolls around and a wasp has gotten into Ledge's bedroom. He swats away at it with a rolled up copy of the Daily Sport, finally hitting instead the lightbulb which swings into the artex and explodes on impact. "Its like Fukin' Iraq in 'ere!"

The wasp stings him on the bum.