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Matter of Fact: ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

Started by DangledTeeth, February 26, 2016, 06:45:49 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

DangledTeeth

Theme music: Dinky-dee-dee-dee-wabwabwabwob

Eric Idle: They say I'm aaaallllll old and shit. Been told I'm a useless git. When I walk I feel a bit of muscle tension, but that doesn't stop from getting my pension. WAHNFOOTINLERGRAAYVE! etc.

Int. Meldrew House

Margaret: Vic-taah, they've put tomorrow's newspaper through the door.

Victor frowns and his mouth hangs

Victor: I dern't be-liiieeve et.

Margaret: Check the date, please.

Victor: Oh yes, Mar-gret, it is indeed tomorrow's newspaper.

Mr Sweeney: Morning Mr Meldrew. Just came through the gate-fence.

Victor: Ah, hello Mr Sweeney. Nice of you to intrude with your lovably twee politeness.

Angus Deayton: Hmm... Mr Meldrew often is in possession of something very questionable which leads me to believe he's an eccentric pervert or similar. Wait just a minute, Mr Meldrew. On closer inspection it appears that your delivered periodical is not tomorrow's newspaper, it is a copy of Lilliput Lane Cottages Made Out of Arse Fudge.

Victor: I DERN'T BE-LIEEEVE ET!

Eric Idle: AH-WUAH WAHNFOOTINLERGRAAAAAVE!

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Victor: I've got one foot in the grave

Mrs Delboys: That it is Victor of the Shire, that it is.


DangledTeeth

Theme Music

Idle: Alwoys look orn tha broight sard orv loife. But you can't whistle - no saliva! You're skin's like a sting from a thistle - you're old like a taown crier. You can't pull a stunt, you decrepit cunt. Oi'll grease the comeuppance and flush aht your tulips with your woiiife. etc.

Angus Deayton: I'm having a sneaky look at Mr Meldrew from our front room window

Pippa: Bug-eyed.

Ian Hislop: A scandal with the Tories. Fleet Street had a field day. (Goes squinty-eyed and smiles, fiddles with his pen)

Pippa: What can you see?

Angus Deayton: The maverick of the downright bizarre and disturbing appears to have accepted a delivery from a postman. I'm going to persist with my inquisitive sneering.

Int. Meldrew House

Victor opens a parcel containing a copy of Stephen's King's Pennywise

Victor: EY DERN'T BE-LIEEEEVE IT!

Mrs Warboys: Galloping Cockjumpers.

Idle: ...bust gummy Arthur charts Anna can stilt missed bee haaaaate. AH-UH-WOH ONE-FOOT-IN-THE-GERRAVE.

dr_christian_troy

Margaret sits in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea. She looks on edge. Victor walks in from the garden.

Victor: FUCKING CRISP PACKETS ALL OVER THE FUCKING GARDEN

Margaret: Victor -

Victor: THEY'RE ALL FUCKING CUNTS THOSE FUCKING NEIGHBOURS AND THEY'RE FUCKING CUNTING CHILDREN

Margaret: Victor -

Victor: JUST BECAUSE I'M OLD DOESN'T MEAN I'M FUCKING DEAD YET FOR FUCK SAKE

Margaret: Victor -

Victor: LIFE IS SO FUCKING ABSURD SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A FUCKING SITCOM

Margaret: Victor -

Victor: EVEN WHEN YOU REFERENCED OUR DEAD SON THAT TIME THERE WAS A LOAD OF CHAOS OUTSIDE

Margaret: Victor -

Victor: HONESTLY I MEAN WHEN YOU CONSIDER HOW MEANINGLESS IT ALL IS AND HOW I'VE BEEN FORCED TO RETIRE BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING MODERN AGE AND YOUNG CUNTS GETTING RICH OFF THE BACKS OF THE OLDER GENERATION, ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A COMFORTABLE LIFE AND TO HAVE SOME MOMENTS OF GENUINE DRAMA WITH MY WIFE AND SOMEHOW IT ALWAYS GETS FUCKING PUNCTUATED WITH SOME ABSURD FUCKING JOKE

Margaret: I'm leaving you Victor.

Victor: YOU SEE THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, A BIT OF FUCKING DRAMA

Margaret: I can't take this any more.

Victor: I'D PROBABLY BE UPSET IF THIS WASN'T ALL SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE

Margaret: I need to get away from this constant stress. It's not good for me - or you.

Victor: AND YOU'RE BAGS ARE PACKED I SUPPOSE

Margaret: Yes.

Victor: AND YOU'RE WAITING FOR A CAB I SUPPOSE

Margaret: Yes Victor.

Victor: THREE, TWO, ONE

The doorbell rings.

Victor: RIGHT ON FUCKING TIME

Margaret goes to answer the door. An athletic, angry young man who looks like a thug because of his haircut stands at the door, holding a piece of paper.

Thug: Does Victor Meldrew live here?

Victor: HERE WE GO

Margaret: Yes. What's this about?

Thug: I've found this note from him through my letterbox, telling me he saw my son throw crisp packets in the garden. My son wouldn't do such a thing - he'd better come and apologise to my son right now or -

Victor: LET'S GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH. I'LL REFUSE THEN AS I WALK OVER TO THE DOOR -

Victor walks to the door, past Margaret.

Victor: I REALISE YOU'RE ACTUALLY LARGER THAN I'D HAVE THOUGHT, AND THERE'S YOUR SON THERE AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH OF A LITTLE SHIT HE IS BUT NEVERTHELESS BECAUSE OF THE UNJUST WORLD WE LIVE YOU'RE GOING TO FORCE A DISGRUNTLED PENSIONER WHO ACTUALLY ISN'T IN THE WRONG AT ALL TO APOLOGISE TO YOU PRIVILEGED CUNT OF A SON - BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT THIS TIME FUCKO

Victor exposes himself on purpose.

Thug: What are you doing?!

Margaret: Victor!

Victor: YES THAT'S RIGHT I AM ACTUALLY DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. NOT AS FUNNY NOW, IS IT? GO ON YOU FUCKING SCUM, I JUST EXPOSED MYSELF TO YOU AND YOUR THICK SON, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT EXCEPT BE APPALLED AND DISGUSTED

We cut to a prison cell, some time later.

Victor: WELL AT LEAST I CAN GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET NOW

A prison guard comes to the cell door.

Prison guard: Meldrew, due to overcrowding we're going to have to move you from the nonce ward over to the area where all the murderers and squaddie criminals are. Unfortunately they don't like your type so they'll probably cut your throat open.

Victor: I DON'T BELIEVE IT

Glebe

Opening theme!

EXT.MELDREW'S GARDEN.DAY.

VICTOR MELDREW: I'm buried up to my neck! And the turtle from the credits is slowly trundling over to nibble my face! I doon't belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it!

ANGUS DEAYTON (over the fence): Hello, I'm your neighbour, Angus Deayton from the 1990's. You may remember me from old episodes of Have I Got News for You, before I got caught with cocaine and prostitutes.

MELDREW: I doon't belieeeeeeeeeeve it!

ADA MELDREW: Victor! A tragedy has occurred! The situation has deftly gone from farce to tragedy!

MELDREW: I doon't belieeeeeeve it!

INT.HOUSE.LATER.

MELDREW: Now where did I put that phone? I doon't belieeeeeve it! I have mistaken a pup for a phone! I doon't belieeeeeeeve it!

THE END!

Closing theme!

DangledTeeth

Idle: ALWOYZ LOOK AWN THE BRART SIDE OF THE GRAVE. I LIKE CHINESE etc.

The Neighbour Formerly Known as Mr Sweeney: Mr Meldrew?

Victor: Yes?

The Neighbour Formerly Known as Mr Sweeney: Erm, I don't know how to put this without sounding curt... you keep fuckin' called me 'Mr Sweeney'. It is the 90s and I've consulted the OFITG Wikipedia page to discover that I'm called Nick Swainey.

Victor: I dowunt buh-lieeeeve I.T. (To camera) Computers an' all that lark.

Mr Swainey: Well, it's Doctors for me next decade.

Advance in scene

Patrick: Erm. I hope you don't consider my observation as a rude and impertinent one, Mr Meldrew. You appear to be performing an intriguing, ritualistic manoeuvre on your penis.

Victor: There is nothing wrong with masturbation, Patrick. In fact, you could say your very presence is unwarranted and disturbing. At least it's in the confines of toilet.

Patrick: That's a sterling observation, Mr Meldrew. But in your frenetic tugging of you hip worm you have become too preoccupied to pay attention to your surroundings.

Victor: I'm surreh. What it is you are trying to say?

Patrick: You've been wanking in my toilet.

Victor: I DON'T BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVE IT!

Idle: Miiiihs-ter Meeehl-drew! Miiiihs-ter Meeehl-drew! etc.

DangledTeeth

#6
Idle: Grave.

Int. Meldrew House. Afternoon

Margaret: Happy birthday, Vic-taah.

Victor: Yes, happy birthday to me indeed.

Margaret: Jean bought you a personalised gift from a mail order catalogue.

Victor: Oh, well, that's very thoughtful of her. (Opens present) it's a music disc. I'll put it on right away on the stereo.

Music: Boo-be-la-ba-bub-boo-be-la-ba-bub-boo-be-la-ba-bub-baaaa!

Hey there, Mr Meldrew
I've got something to tell you.
You're a curmudgeonly old titty grabber
A part-time shitty-stabber
YOU SUCK...
GOATS' COCKS!

Victor gawps at Margaret

Hey there, Mr Meldrew
We know you can smell pooh
Also known as a pile of shit
You're so vile for eating it
That includes the hairy dick
YOU ARE AN...
OLD CUNT

BOOBEE-LA-BOO-BA-BOOBEE-LA-BOO-BAAAAH etc

Victor frowns as his mouth hangs

Hey there, Mr Meldrew
I've been through hell too
I've seen you queue at Tesco
For such a long time, I guess so
Shopping basket full of eggs and bread
Listen carefully to what's been said
YOUR SON...
IS DE-AD.

BOOBEE-L- *WHIR CLICK*

Victor: Uh-wh-beh-jh. What evil bastard sang these verses of foul-mouthed gibberish?! (Studies CD back cover) This isn't from Mrs Warboys, it's by some bastard called Gene Ween.

Margaret: Erm, happy biiiirthday tooooo youuuu.

Idle: Gimme 'alf a chance and I can still misbehaaaaave. Piss up your graaaaave

Ween - 12 Golden Country Greats *IN SHOPS NOW*

Glebe

Opening theme!

INT.SITTING ROOM.DAY.

MARGARET MELDREW: Victor, pop the kettle on - and make sure something funny happens!

VICTOR: I doon't belieeeeeeve it!

The phone rings.

VICTOR (on phone): Helloo? Who is this? Car insurance? What? I doon't belieeeeeve it! No I am not interested! BUGGER OFF!

VICTOR hangs up.

AUDIENCE: Ahahahahaha! *small clap*

VICTOR: Now, where's the bloody kettle plug?

MARGARET ATWOOD: Victor, we got a letter! Open it!

VICTOR (opening and reading letter): "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Belieeeeve It, you have won a holiday to the Algarve! I doon't belieeeeeve it! Wahey!Get your beach ball, Margaret, we're going to the Algarve - on the back of the Credits Turtle!

MARGARET: Hooray!!

CREDITS TURTLE: I'n't it marvelous, I 'ave to put up with Eric Idle in me ear at the start and finish of each show and now this!

THE END!

End theme!

DangledTeeth

Int. Meldrew House

Victor watches telly

Telly: Up next on GOLD as part of our Tuesday-themed Tuesday on Monday, it's Only Fools and Del Boy. And yes, loyal viewers, we start from Big Brother to Sleepless in Peckham like we did a week ago, and I'm sure we'll think of another reason to repeat episodes from series 6 and 7 again.

Victor: This'll do.

Del on Telly: Plonky twonky! Gordon Bennett! I don't believe it!

Victor slowly rises from his arm chair and appears astonished

Victor: I duwn't bo-lieeeeve et! That David Jason chap has stolen my catchphrase!

Margaret: I've never heard you say plonky twonky.

Victor: No, not that. When he said 'I don't believe it'

Margaret: Oh. Well, I'm sure he's said 'I don't believe it' before you. We started around 1990, OFAH was 1981.

Victor: Oh yes. I do believe it.

Maragaret: Victor! Somebody's delivered a gigantic dinosaur sculpture on a mound of compost.

Victor: Now, that I do believe seeing as very unusual items are often delivered to me, for some inexplicable reason. Never mind, Mar-gret. Let's see what's on +1

Frank Spencer on Telly: Ooo, Betty! I'm willing to negotiate. I am a man of the world.

Richard Wilson attempts to ensconce himself on a cushion padless settee

Victor: I donut Bolivia it! I'm almost corpsing! I think it's back to OFAH (Presses remote control button)

Grandad on Telly: ...Wendy 'ouse!

Eric Idle: WAH-UH-WOH. The turtle is walking alonnnng.

JoeyBananaduck

THEME TUNE: Move ya body!
Get ya body in here!
Everybody! etc.

Victor: Margaret? I've been thinking about this and it seems to me that while my perfectly reasonable ire and indignation is raised by things like thieves, vandals, abysmal customer service, pensioners being beaten about in care homes, the world's injustices and bizarre conflagrations of genuinely baffling and statistically hugely unlikely farcical scenarios.....

Margaret: Yes Victor?

Victor: You just seem sort of genuinely passionless about much of anything at all and just act huffy and frustrated with me in particular, almost constantly, just for caring about things.

Margaret: (Angry sigh) Ohhhhh VIC-TOR!
[she storms out. Victor takes his belt off. His trousers fall down to the audiences amusement. Sighing, he begins to flog himself].

Victor: I cannot belieeeeeeeve how much pain I'm in.

End Titles.

DangledTeeth

Turtle plodding along

Eric's Idle: Versaille argh mic arse whelp fetes lurk troop. Jimmy Fallon featuring The Roots etc.

Int. Meldrew Abode

Margaret escorts a lady council worker or inspector, with a clipboard against her chest

Lady: Oh!

Victor is attempting to dry a damp patch on his trousers by rubbing his groin against a radiator

Victor: Uh hehleoh. Don't mind my stimulating-my-cock-against-a-radiator manoeuvre, or at least that's how bizarrely sordid this seems. I'm merely attempting to rid this splash from my leg flannel. I am very insouciant and have no awareness of how unusual and ritualistic my action appears to be, apart from the fact I've stated what I've been doing. At least my neighbour hasn't observed my seemingly sexual and inexplicable behaviour without any prior context, which would bolster his belief that I'm an eccentric old man. Good day to you.

Margaret (To Camera): Yes, this really did happen... at least I think so. I can't be arsed to check Wikipedia for the episodes' synopsis or try to skim through several episodes or clips in order to view this comical occurrence.

Idle: The turtle sequence gets all 16:9-stretchy an' tha' towards the end. LOLZ.

Gregory Torso

Eric Idle: WAP! the tawtuss is wawkin into tha graaaaaave!

Victor Foot sits at the kitchen table. The dog rings.
Victor: Lady of the house speaking! A weird mound of compost is to be delivered this afternoon? Splended. Don't put it in the downstairs lavvy though.

Victor Foot goes outside and lies down in a freshly dug grave, hence the name of the sitcom.

Eric Idle: WAP! the terrapins is getting in the coffin!