Bizarre Internet Dating #3 - The New Batch

[MoonDust]

Do the dad as well as, if I remember correctly, you were gay a few months ago.

You mean bi.

Edit: what a way to start a new page.

[QDRPHNC]

Offer to find a place for her to sit, then use your hands to wipe off your mose and nouth using comical, exaggerated motions.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Have you invited her back to your place at any point yet? Because she probably won't invite herself.

Yeah that was the last date - went really well, food was a success and we lay on the bed under the covers for a bit and did some nice snogging.

Still getting a slight reluctance for the time being from her to open up a bit whereas I think it would be better for us both if we just got on with it, as everything is so much easier once you get used to intimacy. Conversation, movement, just about anything.

[Dr Rock]

Time to do a rap.

[Danger Man]

Yeah that was the last date - went really well, food was a success and we lay on the bed under the covers for a bit and did some nice snogging.

PROTIP: If you've managed to get the girl lady female bitch onto a bed then it's time for sexing.

[Danger Man]

Still getting a slight reluctance for the time being from her to open up a bit

Maybe she's a bit shy or likes the man to take the lead. I know, I know, unthinkable on this cursed forum but quite common in real life.

Try a 'reverse enthusiastic consent'. Say to her at the start of the snogging "Anytime you feel unhappy then just tell me to stop" and then slowly and silently get her clothes off and ravage her. Stop if she asks you to, obviously.

Thank me later.

[Dr Rock]

Making love to a beautiful woman is very much like reeling in a fish.


Because you can smell fish.



Sorry Danger Man told me to post that.

[Pijlstaart]

You could try giving her a shouldering[nb]smouldering[/nb] look, bahahahaha. Waarrgh!

Moondust, Can't have sex at the parent's house, that'll put a damper on the "tea" conversation. Expecting a nice young man. "He's going to be a doctor. No, not that kind of doctor" and in he comes, all sweating and half-crazed, "Time to break the streak" his mantra, a trail of drool and precum on the good chaste carpet. 

You know what I'd be thinking if I was popkins, right? https://youtu.be/I8WSysB5vKM?t=40s

If I saw Moondust near my son or daughter I'd be angry, I'd puff up my chest feathers and go "chib chib chib" and I'd fly up to the ceiling and do my special wee on him, all down his beard.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You can lead a horse to water... and so on...

It was fairly clear at the time she was happy keeping her fanny powder dry, which was fine as I still ended the evening thinking 'wow I think we're actually going out', which is a big thing for me. In terms of the sexuals, once first base is reached I'm ok from there at reading signs. If a girl wants a shag they make it quite obvious.

Or do they? They always previously have done.

[Danger Man]

It's 'ravish' not 'ravage'

Fuck me, that was one hell of a Freudian slip......

[Steven]

Can't Shoulders just wear a t-shirt/put on his profile/mention copiously 'Creator of LEGEND GARY'?

Fighting the gash off with a stick, mate.

[Mr Eggs]

It's 'ravish' not 'ravage'

"Put your raddish in my cabbage"

is the next line in your sex rap.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Better than Creator of Legend Gary

Actually Legend Gary

Wearing the legendary Legend Gary emblem on his similarly legendary Legend Gary tshirt.

[Dr Rock]

"Put your raddish in my cabbage"

is the next line in your sex rap.

Time to get, down and dirty
don't worry love, I've just turned thirty
I know you girls have an image to uphold
But these hot spuds are going cold

Spuds! Raddishes! Rhubarb! Cabbages!

etc

[Mr Eggs]

I've had a dry spell lasting over 5 years. This could be thoroughly disappointing for her..

we lay on the bed under the covers for a bit and did some nice snogging

Moondust v Shoulders

The spunkle in the junkle.

[Birdie]

This thread isn't really living up to it name.  Can we rename it 'Shoulders' blog'?

[kittens]

girl doesn't want to meet up anymore
oh well back to old the drawing board

[WesterlyWinds]

Since there appears to be many a nascent romance forming on CAB I thought I'd share with you all my best piece of advice about relationships, and how to end them before it's too late. We've all been there; trapped in a stultifying romantic liaison where neither party is getting what they once did from it, clinging on desperately to avoid returning to the imagined bleakness of singularity[nb]In fact, being single is WAY better than being married. SCIENTIFIC FACT[/nb].

So here it is, for the first time EVER I am sharing this publicly. I hope you all feel honoured.

The first step requires you to pay extra attention in the early days of courtship. Start to keep a list - physical, preferably, but on your phone or other digital device will do - of up to ten things/idiosyncracies that you find "cute" about the subject[nb]Look, feminism[/nb] of your desires. I don't mean physical attributes - e.g. ' a great pair of knockers'; 'the straightest penis I've ever known' - but rather behaviours, attitudes and quirks - e.g. 'dragging their arse across the carpet after sex'; 'a deep-seated fear of personal hygiene'; 'believing in horoscopes'.

Then, as each "cute" attribute inevitably becomes annoying - a stab of mental pain and anguish every time you witness it - cross that off the list. Once all items have been crossed off the list your relationship has Officially Run It's Course.

The final step is to break up with them. Going into great detail as to why, and listing each individual item with copious evidence and adjectives about just why you now hate that previously "cute" characteristic so much, is optional.

Let me know how it goes, I'm keen to improve the evidence base for this method.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

girl doesn't want to meet up anymore
oh well back to old the drawing board

Oh no! What happened? Is it terminal? I reckon she's just nervous.

[kittens]

we were talking last night and i mentioned meeting up again and she says she has met up with boys on tinder before and it was weird and they just stopped talking after. she said she doesn't want to meet anyone else but she is 'intrigued' by me. i'm like oh well that's a shame o.k. see ya.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

She just needs convincing. I was chatting to a girl for 3 months on okcupid before we met. She kept saying she couldn't meet because she had to study. Now she's my WIFE!

She wants to know if you'll put the effort in because you like her, rather than just giving up because you just want sexytime.

[Dr Rock]

we were talking last night and i mentioned meeting up again and she says she has met up with boys on tinder before and it was weird and they just stopped talking after. she said she doesn't want to meet anyone else but she is 'intrigued' by me. i'm like oh well that's a shame o.k. see ya.

I think it means 'I quite like you, so I'm saying I'm not the sort of girl who meets up with blokes off tinder for a fuck cos that looks a bit bad I reckon. So lets reset how we met and who knows?'

And you should say you have found Tinder to be a load of shit too, but people meet in all kinds of weird ways anyway, so fancy a drink and see if there's an chemistry anyway?

I don't think a lady with absolutely no interest would say you were 'intriguing' unless they were just one of them attention seekers who string lots of people along with no intention of ever meeting (that was me a bit when I just liked chatting with someone I knew liked me but I wasn't up to going on any dates cos of foot pain).

[Puce Moment]

I think Kittens' response was absolutely spot-on. She basically said that she doesn't want to meet up but is 'intrigued' which is pretty shit, albeit honest. 'See ya' should hopefully help her work out if she actually really does want to meet up, or would prefer a penpal.

[kittens]

she started talking to me again just now. i don't mind just talking to her to be honest, it's nice

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

she started talking to me again just now. i don't mind just talking to her to be honest, it's nice

Yeah, keep talking, it's not like it has to be her or no-one. It's amazing how many people you meet who describe their partners as being exceptions to their rule.

Once she's placed you as outside of the category she's ruling out you more or less have a blank slate.

A blank slate to completely fuck up.

[brat-sampson]

Well, to keep this all depressing and that, I never heard back from the girl I invited to Escape room. Sent a followup a week later but naught from that either. I do know she was busy away at a festival last weekend and sometimes just doesn't have time to reply after work etc, but I'm most of the way to considering it dead. Maybe I'll hear something this weekend, but if not, eh.

I had another tinder match the other day who was willing to chat, but turns out they just wanted tourist info for Prague...

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sheesh that's lame. I know women must get bombarded, but once you've at least discussed a date it wouldn't hurt to say "moved on cheers though mate". Instead it gets passed over on this cynical 'everyone knows the game" race to the bottom - courtesy-wise.

[brat-sampson]

In fairness there are plenty of possible reasons this could've happened that aren't just thinking blanking someone is a good way to break things off. I don't want this to look like a 'grr wimmin!' post. But still, bit of a bummer.

Otoh, means next time I can invite someone else to the good escape Room without having done it before.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

Are you are they didn't misunderstand the concept of an Escape Room? Sounds pretty kinky at first glance.

[AllisonSays]

They've all escaped from the room by the time I've, uh, tried to chat them up. I'm nominally single again now, got on the old Tinder there, it's a bit like hard work isn't it? Feels like being 13 again and trying to woo girls from rural Northern Ireland on MSN Messenger. I have arranged a date with a pretty lady though and I enjoy the low-level buzz of attention involved.