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Desolation III: The Arid Mind

Started by BlodwynPig, February 13, 2017, 08:47:30 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Dannyhood91


Dannyhood91

Mick Hucknall self referring as a "Piss Wizard."

Dannyhood91


Dannyhood91

Crude limericks replace "I love you" on a valentines card

Shoulders?-Stomach!

An archivist insists on a recital of W H Audens Stop All The Clocks in memory of his retired file-o-fax.

Glebe

Chad's eighteenth birthday party was just the best ever, until dad turned up with mum and the twins, in the guise of 'DJ Rad-Wax and the Kool Kats'.

Rocket Surgery

A beleaguered misfit listens to all of  'Appetite For Destruction' at 3AM and is struck by Duff's criminally underrated bass-playing.

the midnight watch baboon

A bicycle gang of snarling postmen encircles a terrified milkman as his float whirrs between cul-de-sacs. The delivery war has caught ablaze.

Vodka Margarine

Pete's two adult children are in care and banged up respectively. The first and last time he had sex.

Fishfinger

Ken's reflection turns away from him in disgust.

Neville Chamberlain

Getting woken up in the middle of the night by a text message telling me I've used up my free data for the month.

Berthas Fat Leg

A 21st birthday is spent in the company of repressed aunts and fusty uncles.

the midnight watch baboon

A retaliatory yoghurt bomb is lobbed into the postmen's den.  The Queen's uniforms are tarnished by the thick milk. Talk is that a postcode may have been smeared.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Neville Chamberlain on February 17, 2017, 10:26:03 AM
Getting woken up in the middle of the night by a text message telling me I've used up my free data for the month.

Oh, that sums up modern life. I think this is a real winner.

Spoon of Ploff

a recently redundant mathematician fails to notice his local off license has short changed him... again

a recently redundant mathematician rips the local paper's Sudoku puzzle to shreds in frustration

a recently redundant mathematician stands transfixed at his ironing broad, trying to get the creases out of his knuckles... why's it taking so long? the interview starts in less than half an hour

a recently injured mathematician calculates that he still has time to dress his wounds and make it to the interview with 36.78 seconds to spare

a recently interviewed mathematician is concerned that his arrival, six days late, may effect his chances of landing the job as a lollipop lady


Spoon of Ploff

Sid Sellafield Martin can't remember the last meal he had that didn't include a plastic fork.

Berthas Fat Leg

His Facebook profile pic is an Audi. His Facebook background pic is an Audi. His name on Facebook is Daz 'Audi' Simpson. He doesn't dote on his children.

the midnight watch baboon

A mediocre barber dies from appendicitis after eating a 'clipping pie'.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A food bank operator snaps and tries to force a can Basics garden peas down a ghoul's gullet.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A dementia patient sheds her skin in the exact manner of a snake then orders 'the black one' to clear it up.

Glebe

It's a long, humiliating walk down the corridor, with the doctor screaming  "Phimosis! Phimosis!" at your back.

the midnight watch baboon

Winston does 15 air keepy ups whilst a watching milkman swigs air orange juice from an air milk bottle.

Berthas Fat Leg

A pained scream permeates the dank air of an Islington soup kitchen. Nearby, a Herman's Hermits song stutters to a halt.

Spoon of Ploff

What's this at the back of my kitchen cupboard?

Napolina Chick Peas... B.B.E:APR 2013

pancreas

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on February 18, 2017, 10:42:14 AM
What's this at the back of my kitchen cupboard?

Napolina Chick Peas... B.B.E:APR 2013

A day later you ate them with some Heinz Salad Cream. B.B.E: APR 2012

Glebe

A bullied child gets a dose of the runs in the schoolyard. The headmaster calls him 'Shitpants' and the name sticks, like all runny diarrea.

The duck's penis explosively everts. It only meets cold stagnant water.


Berthas Fat Leg

A widower's first meal after the funeral is an arse-flavoured broth.

Berthas Fat Leg

An entry-level Vauxhall Astra is christened the poon-mobile.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A first date centres around the subject of halitosis and sweat, and concludes with a pointedly loud closing of a door.