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Desolation III: The Arid Mind

Started by BlodwynPig, February 13, 2017, 08:47:30 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Quote

An alcoholic's mobility scooter sits badly parked outside the pub, the shopping basket still sodden with last night's vomit.

Another knife fight at the bingo hall. Even the Grannies are tooled up these days.

A grey, drizzly British morning as you sit silently on the bus waiting for Ronald the local simpleton to count out his bus fare in 2p pieces. He's very bad at maths.

At a run down nursing home Bill shits himself just for some attention.

JoeyBananaduck

A 89 year old woman with alzheimers has her memory briefly triggered by the strains of the largely unchanged Coronation Street theme tune.

'Ooh, that's familiar....'

She uses her zimmer and every ounce of strength to follow the sound to the communal area of the nursing home where the show plays to an empty room.

'Corrie! That's what it was. Stan and 'ilda! And then there was.....Vera and Jack something.....Heehee, I used to watch it a lot when Bernie was still alive.'

Engaged in something for the first time in 3 years, she lowers herself into an easy chair. The next 30 minutes are among the most baffling, upsetting and disorienting of her life as she sits through the climax of Bethany Platt's sex-ring/grooming storyline.

'Well why's he carrying that girl off to that roo.....oh. Oh dear. Oh I don't think I like this.'

Did the strain of her independent ambulation combined with the upset and feelings of resignation mean she passed away in the easy chair, viewers? You can decide how desolate you like it.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A man discovers a pub dedicated to the Nagano 98 Winter Olympic games.

Glebe

Derek from Morecambe uses his sinister magical abilities to profit via his three cherubic kids; "So toddlers three, abscond to Tesco, and steal me some of that lovely Bisto!"

Spoon of Ploff

Sally spends her Sunday afternoon drinking fruit teas, and giggling to 'Gif with Sound' montages on YouTube.

Glebe

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on May 21, 2017, 07:39:19 PMSally Gunnell spends her Sunday afternoon drinking special brew, and giggling to 'Gif with Sound' montages on Dailymotion.

the midnight watch baboon

A raped balloon animal unfolds into just another listless, inflatable gutter baguette

Glebe

Gerry Adams recalls the time he got a boner when Mo Mowlam squeezed his cheeks.

JoeyBananaduck

A mild-mannered and depressed geography teacher finally stumbles upon the livejournal page created by one of his students in 1999 entitled 'Top 10 Reasons Why Mr. Wilby Is A Gay Wanker'. The details are awfully specific.

JoeyBananaduck

A clumsy and morbidly obese amateur burlesque performer fails to realise they aren't laughing with her.

Glebe

Prince Phillip gets bored at home and kills and eats the corgis.

Bazooka

Phillip Schofield is diagnosed with eczema live on This Morning by the on set doctor, the show is taken off air although Schofields mic is left on, the sound of sobbing and dry skin being scratched off is beamed across the nation.

Norton Canes

Morgan cries to himself and wonders when anything's going to change.

Glebe

In an alternate universe, Terry and June's cautionary fallout shelter is brought into use; they survive, but the results are some way less than "hilarious".

Glebe

A roadsweep discovers a particularly interesting scrap of rubbish on his daily route. He takes it home and examines in intensely for three hours, before adding it to his collection. When the wife gets in he points at the glass display cabinet on the sideboard and asks her, "Notice anything different?"

Theresa May dances to The Stones' 'Brown Sugar' at a pheasant shooting fundraiser.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A verger burps sick at a gurning contest.

Glebe

In the basement of a dirty old Chicago office building in the 1970's, a destitute sicko inscribes cruel medieval tableaux to his heart's content.

A Rainbow special is filmed on location in Austin, Texas, but there's something so 'not right' about this that Geoffrey gets an existential panic attack and has to be airlifted home. To make matters worse, he is accidentally flown back across the Atlantic on a stretcher suspended from a helicopter.

A bright young lad is trying to convince himself that he's having a great time at the village fete, but by the time the tombola is wheeled out, a sudden, bitter emotion begs to differ.

JoeyBananaduck

A mentally ill 12 year old boy who suffers from parental abuse goes on the internet to see what the world thinks of the kind of man he hopes to be in the future. There follows an unsuccessful attempt to snip off his own genitalia with a pair of Crayola safety scissors.

Glebe

Kay Burley calls for more bobbies on the beat. She is immediately contacted by Carol Voderman, who suggests, "Time was when you'd pop y'head out the window at any hour of the day or night and there'd always be a bobby on the beat." To her surprize, Kay tells her to fuck off and never to call her at home again.

Vodka Margarine

Kevin McCloud calmly assists his niece's hamster to oblivion when it fails to sufficiently appreciate its very own Art Deco cage.

zomgmouse

knives blunt with years of rubbing against concrete, the only music you could ever make

dex

New York City in the 1980's. Its the morning after the night before at the Anvil Club and the janitor has to start cleaning up...

Glebe

Geoff travels from Dungeness to Ullapool to see a man about a broken old Tefal coffee maker, which he may be able to fix up. After coming to the conclusion that the item does not satisfy his personal requirements, he suddenly realises he hasn't got the fare home, and has to walk it.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

The pub The Champion shows a montage titled  'John Terry's Greatest Moments' for five hours solid on its only busy evening of the week.

JoeyBananaduck

A recovering alcoholic fresh out of rehab tracks down his sweetheart.

"I'm a better man now, Sarah! I know what my problems were. I understand where it was all coming from! I've dealt with it. I feel so much freer. I don't need the bottle anymore, love. I'll never touch a drop again, I swear! It's all so clear to me now. I'm so, so sorry for the times I was selfish. Please be with me and I'll make you the happiest woman on Earth."

As he kneels to propose, he fatefully overtrusts a fart.

Two hours later, the off-license.

"Bottle of Jack".

Glebe

"Coffee?"

It had been a lovely evening, and Joss was hoping she'd say yes... and to his surprise - she did!

Entering the apartment, the first thing she laid eyes on was the Ken doll in a 'compromising' position. When Joss turned around, she had gone.

the midnight watch baboon

Billy Dee Williams uses spoiled kernels of sweetcorn with which to outline crude, buxom wanking fodder

zomgmouse


Twit 2

A damselfly careens into a chemical toilet.

Cornwall changes its iconic dish from a pasty to an AIDS-ridden contraceptive coil.

John Lithgow's niece fails at the key elements of life.

A man emails himself pictures of a cleaner's tits.

An Islamicist's prayer mat is found to contain geometric patterns depicting pig rape.

A lost property box is lost.

Dave buys a new shirt from Debenhams then kicks a housewife's head in.

Steven Spielberg says he'll only direct the worse kind of porn from now on.

A duckling falls into a bastard's garden.



Glebe

Jeg Gubbins has almost bought enough tins of beans to make his very own 'supermarket stack'... almost...