Mental Tim

[masterofreality]

When Mental Tim got home from work yesterday he ate two Milky Way bars and spoiled his appetite.

[masterofreality]

Mental Tim turns up the volume to ten and a half -- can't play Paul McCartney and wings any quieter...

[BlodwynPig]

Mental Tim turns up the volume to ten and a half -- can't play Paul McCartney and wings any quieter...

I hope Panco isn't doing your head in.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim pranks himself by pouring paint on his roast instead of gravy.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim bought a plush Womble at a car boot sale and stuck it in his living room window. Cop a load of that shit, world. Orinoco, innit.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim purchases a cantaloupe, a box of pins and some greasepaint from the local market, ha, you know, the one in Hackney, the one he can see from the flat if he cricks his neck over the balcony. He greases up the cantaloupe and sticks the pins in it, creating a kind of 'futuristic' 'thing'. When his Aunt Electra returns from getting her knees flossed, she is disgusted at Tim, ha, for not doing his chores and instead fooling (or "fulling" as she pronounces it) around with market-purchased tat and such. Tim hangs his head in shame, but this is where the story gets interesting.

In the awkward pause that follows, a sort of 'time-rift' opens above the mantelpiece, and the tentacle of an ancient gorgon shoots out to attack the surprized pair. But thanks to Tim's legendary quick-wittedness, the day is saved when he tosses the cantaloupe-object he has developed at the emerging monstrosity. It retreats back to it's own world, and, as thanks for setting things right, his grateful aunt cooks up a lovely fry, with all the trimmin's!

Oh Tim, you always land on y'feet!

[masterofreality]

I hope Panco isn't doing your head in.

Even though it's been 16 years, I still occasionally wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare about the year we shared a house...

[masterofreality]

Mental Tim replaces the dead pair of batteries in his TV remote with one Energizer and one Duracell. He fears no leaks.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim makes a little swing-lid bin out of Legos. It actually works!

[darth andy]

Mental Tim asks Ashley at B&Q if they sell tartan paint

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim orders a Big Mac Meal at the McDonald's touch screen, pays for it on his card, gets his queue number, then thinks 'actually I want a Ginsters' and fucks off to the Tesco Express next door.

[darth andy]

Mental Tim takes his Ginsters and eats it proudly in McDonalds

[Glebe]

Mental Tim rearranges the atom, so that scientists have to rethink the whole quantum physics conundrum.

[spamwangler]

Mental Tim purchases a cantaloupe, a box of pins and some greasepaint from the local market, ha, you know, the one in Hackney, the one he can see from the flat if he cricks his neck over the balcony. He greases up the cantaloupe and sticks the pins in it, creating a kind of 'futuristic' 'thing'. When his Aunt Electra returns from getting her knees flossed, she is disgusted at Tim, ha, for not doing his chores and instead fooling (or "fulling" as she pronounces it) around with market-purchased tat and such. Tim hangs his head in shame, but this is where the story gets interesting.

In the awkward pause that follows, a sort of 'time-rift' opens above the mantelpiece, and the tentacle of an ancient gorgon shoots out to attack the surprized pair. But thanks to Tim's legendary quick-wittedness, the day is saved when he tosses the cantaloupe-object he has developed at the emerging monstrosity. It retreats back to it's own world, and, as thanks for setting things right, his grateful aunt cooks up a lovely fry, with all the trimmin's!

Oh Tim, you always land on y'feet!

lovely stuff!

[GMTV]

Mental Tim posts on this thread whilst within a Scottish football stadium and receives a custodial sentence.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim has a cry outside a Greggs.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim writes an opera. It's way worse than you'd imagine it would be.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim farts into his cupped hand and throws it in his own face. "Ahhhhhhhhhh", he says.

[masterofreality]

Went round to Tim's house after church last night for a game of Monopoly. He chose to play the Top Hat -- actually took a selfie of himself with it balanced on his head and posted it on the internet!

Crazy, crazy guy.

[pancreas]

Mental Tim knows all the words to Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim has a pet frog he calls "Teasie Toady". He keeps it in his granny's shed and pokes it with a brush.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim makes a Large Hadron Collider out of four matchsticks.

[hedgehog90]

Mental Tim knows all the words to Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

Backwards.

He makes reference to this unusual talent at the bottom of his CV application, which is 15 pages long. Signs each page like it's a legal document.

[cptspalding]

Tim will find his way into the serving area of ice cream vans and kebab vans.  Likes to be in control of how his food is prepared. Enjoys figuring out what the till buttons do and keeps a £20 float on him in case of random punters.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim still writes to Glade once a month proclaiming his desire to do a poo at Paul's.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim writes a letter to Jim'll Fix It, then someone informs him that Savile is long gone and did some very bad things and that the programme ended a very, very long time ago. He mildy responds with "Ah, that's awful," then goes off to write another letter, hoping that it's "only the start of it". All he wants is that badge!

[JoeyBananaduck]

In a perhaps self-consciously wacky move, Tim goes to the park and hurls a loaf of Warburton's Toastie White into the middle of the lake. He then proceeds to hurl ducks at it, enigmatically informing bewildered and frightened passersby that it's 'a real timesaver'.

[Ominous Dave]

Legend Gary pushed Mental Tim into a canal at 2am then denied it afterwards, claiming 'he just jumped in of his own accord - it's exactly the sort of thing Mental Tim would do!'

Mental Tim was subsequently treated for hypothermia and underwent counselling.  He and Gary haven't spoken since. 

[Glebe]

He and Gary haven't spoken since.

Gary is under house arrest and struggles to ignore Tim's annoying knocks on the window.

[Ominous Dave]

Mental Tim attends an AA meeting but leaves without talking to anyone, then makes no eye contact with the checkout girl as he buys a sixpack of cider from the Spar at 1am. 

Mental Tim goes temporarily blind in one eye but doesn't seek any medical attention, assuming it'll just sort itself out like that time his foot went numb for a week.