Mental Tim

[TheWoodenSpoon]

Mental Tim unsolves a Rubik's Cube in 30 seconds.

[Ominous Dave]

Mental Tim does an open mic gig that goes really well, but does nothing to heal the gaping wound in his soul. 

Mental Tim hangs around the Gay Village offering to masturbate random men for money using the one hand that hasn't been crippled by his early-onset arthritis. 

[TheWoodenSpoon]

Mental Tim got polio twice just so his arms would match.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Hearing she might be undergoing marital troubles, Mental Tim seized upon the opportunity to send a heartfelt poem he wrote himself, to his all time crush, Louise from Eternal.

It was about a wasp.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim soils himself at a Take That concert.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim accidentally becomes a philatelist when he puts his stamps in a book for "the safe keeping, aye, the save of 'em, aye?"

[Gregory Torso]

Mental Tim calls supermarkets "normal-markets" and goes around licking the trolleys handlebars.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim creates an alternate online identity who's sole purpose in life is to threaten and abuse Mental Tim. Makes him feel grand.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim writes a fan letter to George Formby. He posts it 'to skegness'.

[Old Gold Tooth]

Mental Tim prefers the later series of Jonathan Creek.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim wanks by holding his hand completely still and thrusting.

[Glebe]

Sarah was flustered. Did they have to keep that hideous thing in here? She was just about to speak, when Penny cut her off.

"Look, I know, it's weird," she sighed. "But he rang to say he was coming to collect it shortly."

"Uncle George could have at least wrapped it, for fuck's sake!" spat Sarah.

"Who's Uncle George?"

"It's on the postage tag. His Uncle George sent it to him. Why'd they have to send it here? Couldn't the postie have just bloody delivered it to him direct from the main depot?"

At that moment, the little bell above the door 'tinged!', and in shuffled a small, squat, gnome-like man. Sarah and Penny exchanged looks.

"Hallo," said Mental Tim. "I've come to collect my lovely-lovely, what Uncle George sent me."

"Be my guest," replied Sarah, testily. Before Tim removed the statue from the premises, she took one more look at it; yes, milk bottle tops it was made off. A milk-bottle top statue of Cliff Richard.

[pancreas]

Mental Tim prefers the later series of Jonathan Creek.

THIS IS CORRECT!

Most of the others are not, I'm afraid to say. However, this

Mental Tim wanks by holding his hand completely still and thrusting.

is also correct.

Glebe, as usual, is cray.

[r brydons gossamer weave]

Mental Tim is Gentle Ben's smaller, racist brother.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim is hired by a baron to polish his mansion doorknobs for thrupence an hour.

[cptspalding]

Mental Tim notices that his therapist of many years has an interest in gambling, based on the fact that he is constantly looking at BetFair on his iPad when he is supposed to be giving important mental health advice.  Tim glibly suggests an outcome on one of the bets, and the bet comes in.  With nothing to lose, the therapist asks Tim what he would bet on next.  Tim selects one of the options from gambling app and it comes in again.  He feels a tingle that goes all the way up his spine.

This continues for the next eight hours, after which the exhausted-but-joyous therapist informs a badly-soiled-but-dehydrated Tim that his session is over and that he will of course see him next week.  Tim felt that this session helped him more than any that he can remember.

A week later Tim arrives at the clinic at the usual time (with an extra pair of pants, not making that mistake again mate) and this time sees an indifferent BACP grad who explains that his old therapist "won the lottery, or something" and that Tim would need to start from scratch as he could not access his patient record.

Tim's old therapist always made sure that his patient records were secure and didn't think to tell anyone the password when he disappeared that night, why would he?

Tim spends the next three years re-telling every twisted moment that he had laid bare to his old therapist, reliving those dark moments of his life that he thought he had put behind him.  As each session passes, the therapist spends an increasing amount of session time distracted by his electronic gizmos: the phone, the laptop, the tablet.

Tim catches a flash of the new BetFair logo on his therapist's tablet and he clears his throat as he feels the tell-tale tingle go up his spine.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim hears a knock on the door.

It's Pubes Daz.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim is thrown out of a vintage clothes store for tenderly caressing one tippet too many.

[Glebe]

Tim makes light work of a packet of Smints.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim introduces butter into the mix, and suddenly jam sandwiches have an extra creamness!

[JoeyBananaduck]

Mental Tim tosses himself off. "Didn't like that." He chastises himself as he mops up. "Very poor."

[Glebe]

For you, Tim, the war is over. Now go home your geese farm.

[Old Gold Tooth]

Mental Tim's favourite part of all berries is the seeds.

[Glebe]

Mental Tim hacks CaB and puts a picture of V for Vendetta, the twat.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Mental Tim's favourite game is Stinkfinger.

Mental Tim karate-chopped a seagull in half.

Mental Tim answers every question with 'yer ma.'

[Sebastian Cobb]

Mental Tim wore a blindfold and tried to navigate via echolocation for an entire week.

[touchingcloth]

Mental Tim tickled a Jew in Reno just to watch him laugh.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Mental Tim done a green poo.

[Ominous Dave]

Mental Tim passes the time at bus stops by trying to remember the nicknames of all the original 1992 cast of Gladiators. 

Mental Tim takes a tram to the 24-hour Asda at 4am to buy alcohol only to find it's shut because it's a Bank Holiday.  In revenge he steals a shopping trolley and throws it in the canal. 

Mental Tim claims that 'Infidelity' by Simply Red would've been a masterpiece if only it'd been recorded with proper funk/R&B production, to the general derision of his friends. 

Mental Tim stops taking his anxiety medication and breaks down in a pub carpark. 

[Ominous Dave]

(Anyone who can work out which actual Asda is referenced in the above post wins a prize.)

(Qualifier: prize may not exist.)