Taking 'a break'

[WesterlyWinds]

Can taking a break in a relationship ever work? My "girlfriend" (what is the correct fucking terminology here?) and I have decided to take a breather for a variety of long winded reasons I can't be arsed going into here, but that essentially boil down to she is in the last two months of her PhD and it's the only way to get it done.

I'm trying to think positively here. It's a way to preserve something that is worth preserving, but is (was?) very difficult. It's only for about 6 weeks (indeterminate June end for various other long winded reasons), but to be honest I feel like fucking shit.

Has anyone ever done this? What happened? Preferably super happy anecdotes, lad(ie)s, but let's be fucking realistic eh and hit me with your best fucking shots too.

[Dr Syntax Head]

It's a good idea and here's why. If it is just a break and you get back together and it's stronger, ace. If you don't get back together then you know it wasn't meant to be and is saving you both a lot of ball ache. Does that make sense? I'm drunk.

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

A friend went on a break with her bloke amd they have since got engaged and married. We of course placed odds on how long it lasts (we married three months after her first wedding and were still on our very protacted honeymoon when she was already divorced).

[Chairman Bodog]

Unless you both snatch a cumback. She could be spread legged with the Greek feta waiter, and you're wanking with a flannel or a dead hand. I'm drunk too but I'm clearly the good conscience.

[Pijlstaart]

The only break, fat madam, will be of your collarbone smacking off the edge of the hearthstone if I don't get my way! It's my way or the highway, fat madam, time for my sex! A bad woman you are, and no mistake, the soup was dry and arsenal lost again, I shouldn't wonder, where's all my sex gone?

You need to assert your manly will, or even your willy man if you are so inclined, you need to tell her that's 6 weeks without your morning cup of tea, 6 weeks unironed clothes and 6 weeks with your nappy unchanged. Tell her it hurts you so bad, sing under her window with a guitar every night, save her from a foreigner, get her one of those gift shop cards with a picture of a teddy bear giving another teddy bear a heart.

[Dr Syntax Head]

The only break, fat madam, will be of your collarbone smacking off the edge of the hearthstone if I don't get my way! It's my way or the highway, fat madam, time for my sex! A bad woman you are, and no mistake, the soup was dry and arsenal lost again, I shouldn't wonder, where's all my sex gone?

You need to assert your manly will, or even your willy man if you are so inclined, you need to tell her that's 6 weeks without your morning cup of tea, 6 weeks unironed clothes and 6 weeks with your nappy unchanged. Tell her it hurts you so bad, sing under her window with a guitar every night, save her from a foreigner, get her one of those gift shop cards with a picture of a teddy bear giving another teddy bear a heart.

Legend Gary

[Brundle-Fly]

The only break, fat madam, will be of your collarbone smacking off the edge of the hearthstone if I don't get my way! It's my way or the highway, fat madam, time for my sex! A bad woman you are, and no mistake, the soup was dry and arsenal lost again, I shouldn't wonder, where's all my sex gone?

You need to assert your manly will, or even your willy man if you are so inclined, you need to tell her that's 6 weeks without your morning cup of tea, 6 weeks unironed clothes and 6 weeks with your nappy unchanged. Tell her it hurts you so bad, sing under her window with a guitar every night, save her from a foreigner, get her one of those gift shop cards with a picture of a teddy bear giving another teddy bear a heart.

I rarely understand where the fuck you're ever coming from, Pijl, but by Jiminy, I always appreciate your turn of phrase!











_{That should have been a quiet thumbs up karma.}

[HappyTree]

The good and bad news is there's no way to tell, no rules. Everyone is different and everyone's relationship is different. So, just like people giving advice for meeting someone in the first place, all it is is people saying what worked or didn't work for them. For every anecdote saying one thing there'll be another saying the opposite. And neither will be applicable to you anyway.

It's natural to fear the worst, just try to hope for the best as well. About the only thing I could generalise about is that communication is the key. To everything.

[Dr Syntax Head]

I rarely understand where the fuck you're ever coming from, Pijl, but by Jiminy, I always appreciate your turn of phrase!












_{That should have been a quiet thumbs up karma.}

Yep! Wish I had Karma for that.

[Dr Syntax Head]

that communication is the key. To everything.

This applies to EVERYTHING

[HappyTree]

Well, apart from "How not to communicate 101" ;-)

[Puce Moment]

Yes, there are no rules, but I'm surprised that you would choose the period when you most need your partner to do it. The end of a PhD is quite the litmus test for relationships, I think. I would absolutely not have ended up getting my PhD without my wife there in those last months and weeks. I'm not judging your relationship by comparing it to my own, but I have seen PhDs really test many couples.

All the best to you, and your ability to maturely discuss your relationship with each other is a really great sign.

[MojoJojo]

Can taking a break in a relationship ever work? My "girlfriend" (what is the correct fucking terminology here?) and I have decided to take a breather for a variety of long winded reasons I can't be arsed going into here, but that essentially boil down to she is in the last two months of her PhD and it's the only way to get it done.

I'm trying to think positively here. It's a way to preserve something that is worth preserving, but is (was?) very difficult. It's only for about 6 weeks (indeterminate June end for various other long winded reasons), but to be honest I feel like fucking shit.

Has anyone ever done this? What happened? Preferably super happy anecdotes, lad(ie)s, but let's be fucking realistic eh and hit me with your best fucking shots too.

Yeah, if it's so she get her PhD done it's not really a break in the way your subject implies.

I didn't have a break from my wife during her FY1/2 years as a doctor, and it's left scars on our relationship, and it might have been better if we had had a break (which would have left different scars).

I'm on holiday tomorrow, sorry.

[Chairman Bodog]

Doctor? Scars?

I think it's obvious that she's fucking bigger guys.

[WesterlyWinds]

It's all incredibly complicated, but counterintuitively in terms of her getting it done it might be the best 'solution'. Let's just hope it's not the final solution, eh lads!

Lads?

[Maurice Yeatman]

It's all incredibly complicated, but counterintuitively in terms of her getting it done it might be the best 'solution'. Let's just hope it's not the final solution, eh lads!

Lads?

You're not being explicit but reading between the lines it seems to be her decision more than yours. I don't really see why the concept of "a break" has to arise if you're naturally supportive of each other. Possible warning sign.

On the other hand, she may be panicking and it's nothing personal, healthy honesty... boundaries... stronger than ever in a couple of months... reunited and it feels so good.

I haven't helped at all.

[Ambient Sheep]

It's a good idea and here's why. If it is just a break and you get back together and it's stronger, ace. If you don't get back together then you know it wasn't meant to be and is saving you both a lot of ball ache. Does that make sense? I'm drunk.

I agree with this.

And although from the looks of this you're going to utterly hate this time, you have to at least TRY to smile and go along with it.  Give her the space she wants, without pissing and moaning about it (and thus adding to her Ph.D stress), and once it's done, if not before, she may well realise how much she missed you and wants you around after all.  But if you don't give her the space, and/or make a big stressy fuss about the whole thing, and/or guilt-tripping her about it, thus winding her up even further, she might well kick you to the curb permanently just to get you out of her fucking hair.

I was once in a relationship situation where someone was giving me no space AT ALL... and all I wanted was literally just a few days to myself to lie on my bed, play some good tunes, do some paperwork, sort out the mess of my hard drives, and chat shit on the internet.  Hell, even a couple of days would have done.  Just some peace and quiet to get my head together and do what I needed to get done.  On the very first afternoon and evening she ended up ringing me every two or three hours to make sure I was ok... it did not end well...

Being a very social animal myself (it's quite rare that I end up not being the more needy one in a relationship!) I totally understand how hard for you this is going to be, from the sound of what you've written.  But you just have to really try your very best to grin and bear it, for both your sakes.

Best of luck.

[imitationleather]

Why can't it be "I need to finish my PhD and will probably be uncontactable for the next couple of months"? In my own personal experience "taking a break" means you're splitting up but neither of you have the courage to properly end it. Obviously, that's just how it's always happened for me.

I hope it is just a PhD-related break!

[WesterlyWinds]

Thanks everyone, this has been a great help so far. I always knew you were a great bunch of lads underneath all the political nonsense.

Perhaps the terminology is misleading, yes. We are not cutting contact entirely, it's more about a) not seeing each other and b) communicating less (stupidly we've not set exact parameters).

[Buelligan]

This is my advice, it starts here - If you're on Facebook, announce the fact that you're now free for a few months, possibly extendable, and would be interested in meeting new sex-partners.  Buy some new exciting clothes, go out heaps, in short do as much fun stuff as possible and try to meet a new/some new sex-people.  I say this because I sense you like the idea of having other humans involved in your life, so do it.  Recognise you are now in a rather lovely place, you have a woman who says she's interested in your genitals but not for a couple of months, use the time wisely, like a faux-break up without the pain and rejection, to see if she really is your heart's desire, all without any guilt.  Do it, embrace and enjoy it or be on your own and realise how very, very, pleasant that is.  The world is literally your oyster.

[Fry]

Oh no.

Oh no definitely don't do that.

[Icehaven]

You refer to things being incredibly complicated and there being more to it than just her PhD, and as others have said when you're going through a stressful, difficult time like that it's more likely that you'd want your partner there to support you rather than wanting them out of the way, so I'd maybe focus on these other 'complications' rather than the PhD as they're real reasons for your break, and start thinking about how to deal with them once her workload is no longer the distraction/excuse it's been to avoid doing so this far.   

[Dr Syntax Head]

Edit. Unhelpful. Ignore, sorry

[small minded cretin]

She's already got your replacement lined up. It's all over bar the protracted break up, the tearful scenes, the begging, the humiliation, the dashed hopes, and the slow dawning realisation.

Soz.

[WesterlyWinds]

You refer to things being incredibly complicated and there being more to it than just her PhD, and as others have said when you're going through a stressful, difficult time like that it's more likely that you'd want your partner there to support you rather than wanting them out of the way, so I'd maybe focus on these other 'complications' rather than the PhD as they're real reasons for your break, and start thinking about how to deal with them once her workload is no longer the distraction/excuse it's been to avoid doing so this far.

You raise a good point. There are obviously other issues: things we have talked about, recognise, and want to work through (on both our parts, and not necessarily intrinsic to the relationship itself). It's just not possible to do that AND the end of the PhD at the same time. The PhD stress exacerbates those issues, and ultimately the end of her PhD takes priority, which I completely understand and respect. I wish I had been stronger and it hadn't got to this point, but I also have my own shit going on that needs dealing with (hooray for huge waiting lists for mental health services[nb]ooo, that could be a new thread...[/nb]) and again it's not compatible with the objective circumstances that neither of us can change.

I still feel sad, and that's compounded by my ongoing mental health issues (I even broke down in front of a colleague earlier and was 'sent' home[nb]On the plus side, and slightly off-topic, but my recent struggles with anxiety have really taught me it's okay to cry in front of friends, family (and now colleagues) and they won't judge you for it. Who knew?[/nb]), but I must admit I'm feeling less shit now. It's not ideal, it's not going to be easy, and it might all end in (more) tears, but it feels as though it's a chance to salvage the good at a later point rather than let the bad overwhelm it.

Maybe I'm being incredibly naive. Come June I may well be back in this thread telling you how it was all a terrible idea. I hope not, but at this point there really is no other choice and it is probably the healthiest approach in this situation.

Blimey, it's amazing what perspective you can get from being sent home from work following a panic attack and then crycling[nb]crying and cycling simultaneously[/nb] 50 odd miles in the April sunshine.

[WesterlyWinds]

Sorry just realised this isn't actually my tear stained lockable princess diary

[Konki]

My girlfriend and I agreed to go on a break 15 years ago. She immediately started fucking someone else so it worked for her. I ended up marrying someone infinitely better than her so it also worked for me. I hope this helps.

[Kelvin]

My friend was actually in a similar situation to the OP, but with the roles reversed. He was trying to finish his PhD and was already falling apart mentally from the stress, without also having to make time for his relationship, friends, and family - all of whom he ignored almost completely for the final few weeks. In fact, I know he actually resented it and and got more stressed when some people ignored his requests for time alone, and contacted him by phone, texts or skype, to lend support. Afterwards, things returned to normal.

If your girlfriend says she needs time to focus on her work, I really do think you have to just take her at her word and avoid pestering her as much as possible; maybe just a text every week saying you hope she's okay.     

[Buelligan]

Sorry just realised this isn't actually my tear stained lockable princess diary

Just wanted to say, a bit more seriously, that you're a lovely CaBber Windy, a pleasure to read and there are lots of us (me, for one), out here in the ether, who like you very much indeed.  We send you cheering and positive thoughts. 

Things can get tricky out there in the so-called "real world" but you can always snuggle up with us, eat too much chocolate, file your teeth and be safe as eggs, no need to crycycle alone (unless you like it).

[Blackzilla!]

she's getting new cock but wants a plan b