Taking 'a break'

[mr beepbap]

What are you supposed to do for  2 months while your student mrs does a bit of homework? Sit around jerking off? ?? Seems a bit fishy to me. Try to get a straight answer off her and if you can't walk away with a bit of dignity

[Small Man Big Horse]

I still feel sad, and that's compounded by my ongoing mental health issues (I even broke down in front of a colleague earlier and was 'sent' home[nb]On the plus side, and slightly off-topic, but my recent struggles with anxiety have really taught me it's okay to cry in front of friends, family (and now colleagues) and they won't judge you for it. Who knew?[/nb]), but I must admit I'm feeling less shit now. It's not ideal, it's not going to be easy, and it might all end in (more) tears, but it feels as though it's a chance to salvage the good at a later point rather than let the bad overwhelm it.

Maybe I'm being incredibly naive. Come June I may well be back in this thread telling you how it was all a terrible idea. I hope not, but at this point there really is no other choice and it is probably the healthiest approach in this situation.

Blimey, it's amazing what perspective you can get from being sent home from work following a panic attack and then crycling[nb]crying and cycling simultaneously[/nb] 50 odd miles in the April sunshine.

I really hope things work out for you good sir and that in June everything goes back to normal. And the exercising thing is definitely a good idea, as much as I hate doing it it undoubtedly helps when you feel low. As does the crying thing, many a friend of mine has ended up with a soaked shoulder but been lovely and understanding about it and you feel so much better afterwards.

[pigamus]

Quote from: HappyTree on Today at 12:04:41 am

that communication is the key. To everything.

Unless you're trying to write an episode of Fawlty Towers.

[HappyTree]

What was that?!

[WesterlyWinds]

Doesn't work

[Twed]

I'm taking a break from my marriage right now, except we're still living together and sleeping in the same bed, so really we're just wending away the time until one of us breaks.

It's a really fucked-up situation and one day I might go into detail about it. Needless to say, I am miserable and cracking up. I've been spending a lot of time trying to connect to people who might understand the situation, but none seem to exist because very few people are quite as destructively stupid as me.

[pancreas]

I'm taking a break from my marriage right now, except we're still living together and sleeping in the same bed, so really we're just wending away the time until one of us breaks.

It's a really fucked-up situation and one day I might go into detail about it. Needless to say, I am miserable and cracking up. I've been spending a lot of time trying to connect to people who might understand the situation, but none seem to exist.

Sounds like you should break. It's not a game of chicken. Get out of it. Get right out of it.

[WesterlyWinds]

Murder them. Brutally.

[Buelligan]

Sounds like you should break. It's not a game of chicken. Get out of it. Get right out of it.

Yep.  I totally vote for honesty, kindness and fucking off over the horizon, never to be seen again.  It really doesn't matter if they take the shirt off your back, just free yourself as gently and tenderly as you can and find out how spiffing life is without being coupled to someone for all of the rest of your time as a sentient being.

[WesterlyWinds]

Sorry. I'm alll honesty it sounds super shit.

I can't offer any useful advice. Instead I'd suggest listening to an album called Tallahassee by The Mountain Goats. It's contradictorily bleak and hopeful about marriage.

[Better Midlands]

Is everyone on here literally on the verge of a breakdown and holding on to sanity by the skin of their teeth?

I know I am.

[WesterlyWinds]

My skin just got taken away by the draught of a train not stopping at ,my s station

[Twed]

Yep.  I totally vote for honesty, kindness and fucking off over the horizon, never to be seen again.  It really doesn't matter if they take the shirt off your back, just free yourself as gently and tenderly as you can and find out how spiffing life is without being coupled to someone for all of the rest of your time as a sentient being.

There are mitigating factors, and she's too fragile to drop like a stone. I want to move on. We're very honest with each other, it's just that this is going to be a longish process. There's no way for me to fuck off and be kind, as much as I'd like for us not to burden each other anymore.

Have I mentioned that I'm really fucking sad? I'm so fucking sad.

[Buelligan]

Be sad if you feel like it's what's appropriate right now, just know that it's temporary.  Because it is.  Power to you both.

[Icehaven]

I'm taking a break from my marriage right now, except we're still living together and sleeping in the same bed, so really we're just wending away the time until one of us breaks.

No wonder you're feeling it's so fucked up, when I was breaking up with my ex we were living in a one bedroom flat so I ended up spending the last 6 weeks or so that we lived there sleeping on the couch. I absolutely would have not coped, and I doubt he would, if we'd continued to sleep in the same bed. I know it's different and you're just having a break, but what exactly is that break entailing? If you're still doing almost everything you do as a couple only saying '...but technically we're separated.' then that's not a break, it's just confusion. I'm not suggesting one of you leaves the bed, in fact the fact neither you had is maybe a good sign for your marriage, but having a theoretical break but not an actual one doesn't sound like it's helping you.

[checkoutgirl]

Perhaps the terminology is misleading

Yes, that's all it was by the sound of it. When I think of taking a break I immediately think of a couple constantly arguing who have to be apart for a while before they strangle each other. What's happening here is one of the people in the couple is finishing a project that they require some solitude and peace to complete.

And like Sheep said, if you really like her and want to get back with her the one way of fucking it up is by being needy and moaning about it to her. That will stress her out and being clingy isn't attractive.

But maybe some girls like the needy type and think it's sweet. It really is impossible to give relationship advice. One man's meat is another man's poison.

[WesterlyWinds]

Take it from someone who doesn't know - you need clear parameters. Anything less is a death knell. Sad, but true.

[WesterlyWinds]

Yes, that's all it was by the sound of it. When I think of taking a break I immediately think of a couple constantly arguing who have to be apart for a while before they strangle each other. What's happening here is one of the people in the couple is finishing a project that they require some solitude and peace to complete.

And like Sheep said, if you really like her and want to get back with her the one way of fucking it up is by being needy and moaning about it to her. That will stress her out and being clingy isn't attractive.

But maybe some girls like the needy type and think it's sweet. It really is impossible to give relationship advice. One man's meat is another man's poison.

There were no arguments, that's what made it so hard.

[Buelligan]

Take it from someone who doesn't know - you need clear parameters. Anything less is a death knell. Sad, but true.

I don't think that's a good idea, normal head to toe sleepwear of good solid stuff.  Don't want to send confusing signals, now that is a death knell.

[WesterlyWinds]

Clear parameters can be anything. My point is if you are taking a break you both need to agree on certain things, otherwise it definitely won't work.

[thenoise]

Windy - I agree with Buelligan (apart from the Facebook thing - okcupid is better).  Go on some dates.  Join some clubs.  Meet some friends.  Remind yourself how nice it is to have a nice young lady take a shine to you and want to get to know you better.  It might not lead anywhere, it probably won't, but it's ok - you are just getting your mojo back.  In a few months time, if you choose to give the old girl another chance, you know that you are a desirable man and you are coming from a place of strength :)

3 years ago I would have done anything for my ex to take me back, pathetically arranging 'dates' with her and texting her, and trying to persuade myself not to text and contact her but thinking about her all the time anyway.  Now I am planning my wedding with a new, lovely, better lady.  If I got back with the old girlfriend, it would have saved me a bit of heartache, but I would never have been able to trust her again.  And I am much happier now!  So it is for the best.

Hope it works out for you!

Twed - I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.  It's really difficult, are you staying together with her because you feel sorry for her? Do you still love her?  It might be a good idea to sleep in the spare room and see how it goes.  If you have a spare room...

[checkoutgirl]

This thread is very sad and a bit upsetting.

[Norton Canes]

when I was breaking up with my ex we were living in a one bedroom flat so I ended up spending the last 6 weeks or so that we lived there sleeping on the couch

While he had the bed? Would I be wrong in thinking that made him a bit of a greedy shit?

I dunno, it just seems like if someone knows their relationship is ausgespielt, the least they could do is make a final chivalrous gesture...

[shiftwork2]

The end of a PhD is quite the litmus test for relationships, I think.

How did I miss this thread?  This is my thread.  Yes.  I did my last six months alone.

[Buelligan]

Clear parameters can be anything. My point is if you are taking a break you both need to agree on certain things, otherwise it definitely won't work.

It was a weak joke about pyjamas, Windy.  Sorry.  :(

[WesterlyWinds]

JEjeejjej dggtqwolelwkwke?,,,,!,,,

[Twed]

No wonder you're feeling it's so fucked up, when I was breaking up with my ex we were living in a one bedroom flat so I ended up spending the last 6 weeks or so that we lived there sleeping on the couch. I absolutely would have not coped, and I doubt he would, if we'd continued to sleep in the same bed. I know it's different and you're just having a break, but what exactly is that break entailing? If you're still doing almost everything you do as a couple only saying '...but technically we're separated.' then that's not a break, it's just confusion. I'm not suggesting one of you leaves the bed, in fact the fact neither you had is maybe a good sign for your marriage, but having a theoretical break but not an actual one doesn't sound like it's helping you.

I'm trying to find a way to explain, but it all keeps coming out too mad.

Twed - I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.  It's really difficult, are you staying together with her because you feel sorry for her? Do you still love her?  It might be a good idea to sleep in the spare room and see how it goes.  If you have a spare room...

I am not in love with her anymore, and I have been open and clear about this with her. She left for a while. But that got complicated and dangerous for her. Her family members, well-meaning, have tried to solve the situation with money that I've had to decline. It's all quite horrible, and I think this might be the thing that turns me into an old, broken man at 33.

For a while I thought I might start dating again and maybe cling to some notion of there being a life ahead, but I feel like I might be over. I understand that this could be down to depression and low self-esteem, but I also understand that it's possible I won't be able to shake that.

My wife is very unwell due to her attitude towards food and exercise, and the illnesses that come from paying little respect to those things. I am a bit shaken, because her family seemed to have expected me to leave her before now. Hearing "she'll be dead at 45 if something doesn't shake her life up" has been very jarring, has made me feel sad.

I don't think I want to go into any more detail about this in a public place, but thanks for letting me vent.

There are some entirely selfish aspects to this too. I fell in love with somebody else. She reconnected with an old flame on the day I opened up to her; our friendship has meant that I've been subject to the details of this relationship and that has been a little punishing for me. I think I might deserve it, but it also makes me feel very low.



I am too stressed, fragile and frankly pathetic lately to make good decisions. I understand that my approach might be wrong, I just don't have the energy to do it better/more quickly at the moment.

[Icehaven]

While he had the bed? Would I be wrong in thinking that made him a bit of a greedy shit?

I dunno, it just seems like if someone knows their relationship is ausgespielt, the least they could do is make a final chivalrous gesture...

Well it was my decision to break up, which I felt rotten and guilty about enough already anyway, so I'd never have then said "...and you're on the couch."
I am sorry to hear about your probs Twed, it's a very different situation to mine, and every situation is unique anyway. All the best.

[SetToStun]

Yep.  I totally vote for honesty, kindness and fucking off over the horizon, never to be seen again.  It really doesn't matter if they take the shirt off your back, just free yourself as gently and tenderly as you can and find out how spiffing life is without being coupled to someone for all of the rest of your time as a sentient being.

This is some very good advice Buellers - I've had to do that a few times to save my dignity and sanity. It cost me two flats and a house but at least I could sleep at night. Once you're truly free you can go on and either live your own life or maybe meet (finally) the right person for you. I did eventually (my wife had to do the same thing once to get free) and now I couldn't be happier.

As far as taking a break goes, we know a couple who did that - the woman involved, having been told the relationship was on a break, met someone else and had a great time, culminating in getting laid. The bloke found out (his gf did nothing to hide anything) and handled i t surprisingly well - he put the relationship on a break and realised that meant he had no say in anything she did or any right to complain. For them it worked out well; they are now engaged, have bought a nice flat and have a lovely daughter. In Westerly's case, I would just assume it really is an either/or situation: she can either make time for the relationship or she can complete her PhD - that's got to be worth six weeks of time-out, surely.

[Icehaven]

Blimey it's in the air at the moment. I was having a rare (actually for me almost hitherto unprecedented) 'girl talk' with a woman at work today, in which she confided that she's about to leave her partner of 18 years and move to the South coast. I think she'd heard that I split with my long term boyfriend a bit back and wanted to hear from someone who's been through something similar to what she's about to, although it's a really different thing, she's a bit older than me and they have three kids (although the youngest is mid-teens, and perfectly happy to go too apparently, as is the middle one and the eldest is about to leave home anyway. Yes I think it's both weird and off that she's told all 3 of them before her soon-to-be ex, but that's her lookout.) I just tried to be honest, said if you're going to have to live in the same house for any length of time afterwards (she is) then that's going to be pretty tough, but that I didn't regret my split at all, it was the right thing to do and if you're unhappy you can't let practicalities stop you. I don't think she will anyway, she's pretty much out the door, just waiting to get a job set up where she's moving. So she really might need to speak to her boyfriend soon. It's none of my biz and that but I'd like to think she wouldn't do the moonlight flit, she wasn't exactly slagging him off today either, saying she does love him, it's just miserable and awkward when he's around. I didn't know what to say then so I just said some blarney about doing what you felt you needed to do.