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Bar tab text adventure

Started by zomgmouse, May 07, 2017, 02:15:25 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

zomgmouse

BARKEEP: Your tab. It's getting very large madam. You'd better pay it off.

YOU:

Stoneage Dinosaurs


zomgmouse

You look West. To your West is a man in his mid-to-late thirties, drinking gin from a bottle.

YOU:

pancreas

go west
take bottle from man

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Go west
Eat a quarter of flan

Sgt. Duckie


zomgmouse

You go West, take the bottle off the man, eat a quarter of the flan and emigrate with your grandmother.
The barkeep follows you to your new country of residence and demands you pay the tab.

YOU:

BlodwynPig


Norton Canes


zomgmouse

You ditch your grandmother, return to the bar and using the bottle of gin smash the tapster over the head and kill them.
The barkeep is now very angry as the tapster was their best friend. A scowl fills the barkeep's face.
Barkeep: "You'll pay for this. And also the tab."

YOU:

kittens


BlodwynPig

with an old five pound note and a couple of shillings.

Mr Brightside

and a spunk-filled ribbed condom

Norton Canes

You know that thing where you think you're adding a tag, but...

Yeah.

zomgmouse

You pay the tab with an old five pound note and a couple of shillings and a spunk-filled ribbed condom you happen to have lying around in your jacket pocket. You spend a moment to reminisce about adding tags for some reason.
The barkeep is momentarily (both meanings) placated by the paying off of the tab; despite the unconventional currency it does miraculously add up to the total owed.
After a brief grunt the barkeep turns to walk away but immediately returns, remembering you've also killed their best friend, the tapster.
Barkeep: You've killed my best friend, the tapster.

YOU:

Mr Brightside

Tell the barkeep that his best friend, the tapster, was a fucking wanker who got what was coming to him and then order a dry martini with three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, and half a measure of Kina Lillet and tell the barkeep to shake it over ice and add a thin slice of lemon peel.

kittens


zomgmouse

You tell the barkeep some insulting things about their best friend, the tapster. The barkeep looks even angrier now. You then order a dry martini with three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, and half a measure of Kina Lillet and tell the barkeep to shake it over ice and add a thin slice of lemon peel. As you have paid your tab the barkeep is obliged to serve you, but they don't look well happy about it.
You have sex with the barkeep. It's awkward and ends with a puddle of shit and come and spilled martini.
Now the barkeep's really angry.

YOU:

Beagle 2

Wear lemon peel as moustache and tapdance

BlodwynPig


kittens


kittens


zomgmouse

Alright so it looks like since the last day or so of the pre-crash forum has been wiped there's no remnant of my brilliant new instalment of this game but I'll try to summarise what happened:
- You wear a lemon peel for a moustache and tap dance. This amuses the barkeep.
- You fall through the bar. The barkeep gets the reference and laughs uproariously. You're well on the way to setting things straight.
- You then have sex with the barkeep, again. Here I had a great segment about how the barkeep now derives little pleasure from it due to to the fact that, and I believe here I used the quite wonderful imagery, "your anus is loose and flabby like a rained-on bagel". I think that phrase is pretty commendable and I'm proud to bring it back despite the hacker's best attempts at wiping it from the earth in the recent attack on the forum. But there it is again. I also added that it was a bit awkward because you're wearing a lemon peel as a moustache. A nice comic flourish but without the visceral punch of the anal bagel comparison.
- The barkeep storms off and gets ready to call the authorities (I think).
You need to come up with something drastic yet pragmatic and oh no you've used up your sex quota guess what there's a sex quota for this game and you've used it oh no you've had too much sex how ironic kittens given your real-life struggles in this area oh no

YOU:

Mr Brightside

Tell the barkeep you know who shot JFK and you'll tell him if he lends you his ear

zomgmouse

You tell the barkeep you know who shot JFK and you'll tell him if he lends you his ear.
He stops for a moment, cuts off his right ear and hands it to you.
YOU:

BlodwynPig

(I thought I had posted this...must have been mid-crash)

Start bar tab text adventure with barkeep

zomgmouse

As you hold the bloodied ear of the barkeep in your hand you write down the beginning of a bar tab text adventure on a napkin and hand it to the barkeep. Unfortunately the barkeep misinterprets this as a demand for money and gets so enraged considering recent events that he uses the knife he cut his ear off with to stab you three times in the heart.

You are dead.

GAME OVER
YOU SCORED 0 OUT OF A POSSIBLE 192 POINTS.

PLAY AGAIN?
Y/N

zomgmouse