Worst live comedy performance you've ever seen

[Sydward Lartle]

Having done time on the circuit myself (admittedly a very long time ago) I've seen a lot of fatalities - as in the proverbial 'dying on stage', as opposed to actual fatalities, which would be downright gruesome.

The one that sticks in my mind was an eighteen year old lad who was clearly and evidently going through his adolescent 'Bill Hicks stage', which seems like a rite of passage for all angry loners, and he decided to hit a thoroughly disinterested and mostly elderly audience at a half-full Hoseason's holiday camp with a rough approximation of the 'what are you reading for?' routine, followed by a cannibalisation of the 'abducted by UFOs' routine. Not only did he make a complete and utter bloody hash of both routines, he was so awkward, fumbling and nervous, it really made me feel bad for the poor sod. Even worse, when he sensed he was going down like Liberace on an oil rig, he went into Lenny Henry 'wacky' mode and started shouting things like "OOOOKAYYYY" and "HELLOOOOOO BAAAABY!" for reasons I couldn't quite fathom. The only people laughing at him were the drummer and the keyboard player in the resident band. They loved him, but I'm guessing that was only because he was somewhat 'different'.

I had to go out after the silly sod and do a bit of patter to try and bring the audience around, and they were still booing him when I was on ended up saying something like 'that was (whatever his name was) and his alternative comedy... or should I say, his alternative to comedy'. I felt awful about that, but what the fuck did he expect, doing a Bill Hicks routine to mostly elderly people from the Midlands, drinking lager and limes, whose idea of high culture is Coronation Street?

My own personal worst experience of dying on stage was when some Self Righteous Brothers-type arsehole started waving an empty beer bottle in my face, shouting "Don't you fuckin' use blue language in front of my wife and daughters, you cunt". Even though I was shitting bricks, I could appreciate the irony of that statement.

Anyway, over to you. Famous folk, open spot cannon fodder or nobodies, if they've died on their arses, let's hear about it.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Saw a bloke with a debilitating stutter have his act debilitated by his stutter. It fucked up his flow and routine completely abs whilst he soldiered on the audience was left in painful silence.

[Danger Man]

Saw a bloke with a debilitating stutter have his act debilitated by his stutter. It fucked up his flow and routine completely abs whilst he soldiered on the audience was left in painful silence.

Most Kitson gigs are very good.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Having spent time on the open mic circuit I know how nerve wracking it is, and just feel terribly sympathetic if anyone's having a bad set 90% of the time. The other 10% are the unfortunate occasions when people trot out horribly racist or sexist material, then I can't help but glare. One time I saw a guy doing an impression of Chris Rock where he repeatedly screamed "N***** Please!" over and over again at the audience, looking increasingly manic, and I couldn't help but let out a Father Ted-esque "Fucking hell", which got the only laugh of his set.

The most painful show I've ever seen was at Edinburgh Festival in 2009. There were only four of us and the comic suggested we could leave and not bother, but we encouraged him to do the show anyway. The following hour of absolute silence as a guy in his fifties bitterly ranted about his divorce and ex-wife was agonising. I wanted to laugh, desperately, but the material was so horrendously bleak that I was unable to.

[Glebe]

The most painful show I've ever seen was at Edinburgh Festival in 2009. There were only four of us and the comic suggested we could leave and not bother, but we encouraged him to do the show anyway. The following hour of absolute silence as a guy in his fifties bitterly ranted about his divorce and ex-wife was agonising. I wanted to laugh, desperately, but the material was so horrendously bleak that I was unable to.

That actually sounds fucking incredible.

[madhair60]

Richard Herring, Lord of the Dance Settee WIP. Kept stopping and apologetically reading from extensive notes, some of which he dropped. It was quite upsetting.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

I rarely bother with live comedy and the only two trips to a comedy club I've made left me in no doubt that I wasn't missing much.

The first. Some greasy-haired Dublin Jackeen comedian who, having found himself outside his beloved Pale, was fucked for material seeing as he couldn't slag off "Cooochies" like I'd seen him do on the Late late Show a couple of months previously. So, he figured that us "Cooolchies" would be stuck in two-channel RTE land and not notice that his "B Material" was all cribbed from last week's BBC2 and Channel Four comedy shows. Only, we did notice and booed him off the stage.

The second. A FOF was appearing an an open mic night and, being female and in need of support, a bunch of us were cajoled into going along. I can't recall how long she was on stage for but it felt like hours as each routine and joke fell flat and not a single laugh was to be heard. The male comedians bookending her weren't much better but they at least got some titters which didn't help.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Not strictly a comedian, but I have weirdly had the accidental experience of seeing Vinnie Peculiar twice - a song and dance man who apparently found it funny and appropriate to sing a song about dead sheep at a family fun day.

"Dead sheep
dead sheep
dead sheep
not gonna bleat
baaaaaa"

[madhair60]

I haven't done any live comedy, but if I did, I can assure you that it would be truly atrocious.

[Bad Ambassador]

Lee Nelson doing 20 minutes at a comedy club, where he just spent the time insulting hte people on hte front row. I was sitting on the end and promised myself I would mount the stage and advise him against continuing if he got as far as me, but clearly his alarm went off before then since he hurriedly wrapped up and scarpered. Everyone hated him.

The worst act I've ever seen was Pappy's Fun Club doing an Edinburgh warm-up. A hour of joke-free shambolic bullshit, which the rest of the audience enjoyed. I sat in stony silence, arms folded. On another occasion, the same crowd greeted Adam Buxton doing a set as Famous Guy with total disinterest, while my sister and I screamed with laughter.

[Billy]

A bloke at an open mic night a few years ago who I think was just a mate of the MC, cracking jokes about Chinese people eating cats and dogs while doing a "comedy" accent. The less we laughed, the more he increased the intensity of the material and accent. Finally killed off any hope when he claimed he could "do a good Indian" too.

The guy doing a spot in trendy Shoreditch who thought his joke about "the Queen lives in Windsor, yeah Elton John's got a house there" would in any way work gets the silver.

[SpiderChrist]

Rhona Cameron, Cambridge Comedy Festival. She was headlining, and followed another Scottish comedian (I forget his name) who went down a storm (and ended by dedicating his set to his recently deceased friend). Cameron's tone and style just completely bombed and at least once she checked her watch.

[Icehaven]

One time I saw a guy doing an impression of Chris Rock where he repeatedly screamed "N***** Please!" over and over again at the audience, looking increasingly manic, and I couldn't help but let out a Father Ted-esque "Fucking hell", which got the only laugh of his set.

I'm strangely fascinated by this, was he black himself? When you say he was doing an impression do you mean intentionally or just that he was ripping him off?

[yesitsme]

There are plenty of good deaths on Youtube.  I went down the rabbit hold of watching about 20 the other week.  Horrific what some people think will make other people laugh.

I've died many a time.  I've not read the room right, I've stumbled over gags and I've gone on thinking 'I'll piss this' only to have the gig bite me on the arse but if you've never done that you've never tried.

Famous deaths?  Watched Phil Jupitus talk to himself for an hour once, gigged with TVs Donna McPhail and watched her pull teeth for 20minutes - everyone's done it.

I think it has a lot to do with attitude, it's no wonder some acts die time-after-time when their 'act' is nothing more than abuse and offensiveness.  Your idea of 'cutting edge' might not go down too well with the random group who've come in for a pizza and 'some' comedy - don't blame 'em for sitting in silence as you 'eff and c' your way through your description of 'women', 'sex' or 'why you can't get either'.

'Er indoors was watching a thing on telly last night about botched plastic surgery (in America) and one woman who'd ruined her life revealed herself to be 'a stand up comedian'.  We saw her leaning on a mic talking about 'the homeless' fuck me - I don't know what looked more painful, her face or her act.

Gerroff!

If you're interested and in Glasgow you can come and see if I live or die this very Friday.  You've got nowt better to do have you?

Yesbar, Drury Lane (near The Horseshoe) - first show doors (7pm).  Pizza, pint, 4 acts + mc = £10.00 (I think).  What a line up!

[Petey Pate]

The most painful stand-up comedy I've seen was performed by a man with either a learning disability or severe autism.  I missed the first part of the night but from what I was told, he hadn't arrived at the venue wanting to go on stage and the compere very cruelly encouraged him to do a set.  One of his 'jokes' went something like this:

What's the difference between the 5a Portsmouth bus route and the 6a Portsmouth bus route? 

They're both chess board squares.

At one point he put his headphones in and started beatboxing.  Even when didn't have them on, he seemed oblivious that no one was laughing, making it even more horrible to watch.

[Black_Bart]

Sarah Teather.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Harry Deansway on one of the Shambles shows he promotes doing a set which involved him making sexual references which were neither funny nor shocking punctuated with him shouting BLUE COMEDY to no reaction. It was excruciating but the gig was bookended by John Kearns opening and Tim Key closing and they were both utterly sensational that night which made his dismal vanity turn even starker. He was so bad Tim Key couldn't ignore it and had to rip on him during his set.

[Bronzy]

The most painful stand-up comedy I've seen was performed by a man with either a learning disability or severe autism.  I missed the first part of the night but from what I was told, he hadn't arrived at the venue wanting to go on stage and the compere very cruelly encouraged him to do a set.  One of his 'jokes' went something like this:

At one point he put his headphones in and started beatboxing.  Even when didn't have them on, he seemed oblivious that no one was laughing, making it even more horrible to watch.

Maybe he was a surrealist and the crowd just didn't get it, maaaaan.

[Bingo Fury]

Years back, I used to be out reviewing several Edinburgh Fringe shows a day, and one afternoon found myself at a stand-up show upstairs in the Cafe Royal. There were only about four of us in the audience and, with the best will in the world, none of us could even work up a titter for this bloke. He knew he was dying rapidly, and acknowledged it, but tried to save the day by involving us and asking us each in turn what we did for a living. I couldn't think of a gentle way of breaking it to him, and when he got to me, I replied, "You don't want to know", which he immediately realised meant I was there reviewing the show, and I think the last of his self-confidence crumpled up there and then. I didn't ask him to ask me. I was hoping he'd collapse or run out the building before he got to me.

[Petey Pate]

Maybe he was a surrealist and the crowd just didn't get it, maaaaan.

For the avoidance of doubt I went up and spoke to him afterwards as I thought it could have been an ill-conceived poor taste character a la Derek, but no, the guy was genuinely disabled.

[Billy]

When I was working for the Adelaide Fringe last year I watched two comedians perform to embarrassed silence to a room of about five of us. They actually had about five minutes of decent material each, but the show lasted for another half hour and they probably hoped they could just improv or wing the rest of it, with fairly disasterous results.

They eventually got to me during the lengthy crowd-work section, asked me what I did, and I replied with honesty "I sell tickets for a major Australian fringe festival". I got the biggest laugh in the room of the night and the two comedians deadpan applauded me.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I'm strangely fascinated by this, was he black himself? When you say he was doing an impression do you mean intentionally or just that he was ripping him off?

Oh yeah, I should have mentioned that, he was white, about twenty and very middle class. It was a deliberate impression which was presumably supposed to lead somewhere but he'd lost the audience by that point and never got to the end of his set.

Harry Deansway on one of the Shambles shows he promotes doing a set which involved him making sexual references which were neither funny nor shocking punctuated with him shouting BLUE COMEDY to no reaction. It was excruciating but the gig was bookended by John Kearns opening and Tim Key closing and they were both utterly sensational that night which made his dismal vanity turn even starker. He was so bad Tim Key couldn't ignore it and had to rip on him during his set.

I've seen Harry Deansway die as well, he got ridiculously pissy with the audience for not laughing which made everyone dislike him more.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Of any one thousand people who set out to do it, probably only about seven of them actually can carry it off tolerably bearably even if they find the drive to stick with it through a few failures.  Have to admire them for having the nerve to do something I never would, though.

[armful]

Worst death I have seen On stage. A late night Edinburgh fringe show at the Meadows bar. Some guy stomped on stage delivers his opening line them proceeds to kick a chair off stage. The audience turned on him and ripped him apart he ran off stage in tears.

My own worst gig was when a regiment from Black watch entered a small open mic night just as I took the stage . They  started to heckle me before I'd opened my mouth. I gave them some abuse back and the ring leader told me he was going to glass me once I'd got off the stage. I only did my full ten minute slot as I was too afraid to get off the stage. They bombarded me with drunken heckles , I must have looked like a trapped rat . luckily when I got off the stage the worst I got was a beer matt bounced off my head. The act after was also drunkenly abused, so I took some solace in that.

[Thursday]

I've seen Harry Deansway die as well, he got ridiculously pissy with the audience for not laughing which made everyone dislike him more.

Went to a few gigs he used to organise and compere years ago.

At first I thought there was something slightly endearing about his weird awkwardness... then subsequently realised he's always like that. It's not really an "act" he's just a bit weird and awkward. I gather he's still doing the same thing then.

[Bronzy]

For the avoidance of doubt I went up and spoke to him afterwards as I thought it could have been an ill-conceived poor taste character a la Derek, but no, the guy was genuinely disabled.

In all fairness, if I met Ricky Gervais doing Derek, having no idea who Ricky Gervais was, I'd probably think this.

One of the great actors of our time, our Ricky.

Yeah, I think it's awful when comedians aren't self-aware. Especially when they're disabled, you don't really know when to laugh because you're terrified of offending them, despite the fact you know that the purpose of them being on the stage is to make you laugh.

[Shit Good Nose]

Richard Herring, Lord of the Dance Settee WIP. Kept stopping and apologetically reading from extensive notes, some of which he dropped. It was quite upsetting.

I wouldn't say he died as such, but it was either Hitler Moustache or Headmaster's Son (I can't remember which) was spurted out at a million miles an hour as if he was just reciting a script that he memorised.  I saw every live tour he did up to that point, but haven't seen him since.


The very worst death I've seen was Sarah Silverman during her much publicised and now infamous mini tour of the UK several years ago, where she did her 40 minute set of old material that wasn't particularly funny anyway, with heckles every few minutes that she couldn't handle.  £60 it cost for that.  At the end of her set she walked off.  Cue booing and slow clapping, to the point where she was forced to come back on stage.  She did a 20 minute Q and A, which was no better than the previous 40 minutes, and then legged it.  She sucked all of the joy out of every single person in that room[nb]cue shit Silverman joke about being forced to give everyone a blow job[/nb], with a set that had gone down like a storm in her home country.  Americans do not have a clue.  And most American comedians have no idea how to handle hecklers.

Not quite as bad as that, but not much better, was Lee Hurst, on a sell-out UK tour of major theatres, when he was still on They Think It's All Over.  No laughs at all, except for one little ad-libbed bit where he made light of the fact that the audience was so silent.  That bit lasted for all of 10 minutes before he just carried on with the rest of his set.  No heckling to be fair, but the muted audience and muted applause said it all.  Dave Johns, who supported, went down much better, even though it was stock Northern jokes.

And the poor lad who supported Johnny Vegas - couldn't get a break, but just about saved it with a masterful response to a heckle, a response so good that Vegas carried it on during his set.

Rob Newman two-fer - I saw the Newman and Baddiel arena show.  Rubbish.  Comedy does not work in large spaces like that.  Then, a few years later, saw Newman in a tiny pub in Bristol doing his stand-up poetry to an audience of about 15.  Absolutely abysmal stuff, with most people walking out after about 20 minutes.  It was so bad, me and my mate (a Newman fan who dragged me along) actually bought Newman a couple of drinks cos we felt so sorry for him.

Bill Bailey's Tinselworm - not that he was terrible, or died, but, not having learnt from my Newman and Baddiel experience, I went to see this at Wembley arena.  Again, comedy does not work in large spaces like that.  I guess Bill realised this as well, as he's not done an arena tour since.

[mcharsley]

I had to sign up just to reply to this thread.

About ten years ago a pal and I saw Phil Nichol perform at a pub somewhere in London. I'd never seen him before but Nichol is apparently very well thought of on the circuit, so I had fairly high hopes. It was the most uncomfortable comedy-viewing experience I've ever had. There were only about ten people in the audience, which was difficult but I've seen performers deal well with that kind of thing.

Nichol was just awful. Did twenty minutes of crap material and then, after a (not particularly offensive) heckle came in, he went COMPLETELY off the rails. He stopped doing his act and just ranted for probably about 20 minutes (but felt like a lifetime), mostly to himself but partly to his heckler, sitting feet away from him in an almost empty room.

Lowlights included:

• Repeatedly insulting the heckler (who just seemed sort of embarrassed that he'd prodded the beast, and tried to be conciliatory, without success)
• Insisting "I know my material is funny"
• Sitting there in actual silence while audience members nervously looked around at each other
• Raising the back of his T-shirt collar over his head so his face was sticking through and shouting "I fucked a pig!" in a Texan accent
• Saying "My wife left me. That's not funny."
• Insisting he was "not mad" and that he was happy to just sit his time out (which he proceeded to do)

It was the most uncomfortable I've ever been at a performance at any time, it lasted FOREVER, and it felt like he was having an actual nervous breakdown (which he might have been).

I saw him a couple of years later and he went down much better with some rabidly anti-American material. I was unable to enjoy it, however, as I was a) scared he might implode again at any time, and b) I quite like Americans.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

• Sitting there in actual silence while audience members nervously looked around at each other

Stewart Lee's done something like that before, hasn't he-though the rest of it sounds like the opposite to how he'd typically respond.

[Jockice]

I'll make my obligatory mention of Arnold Brown here, who for some strange reason was the support act for electro-pop duo Yazoo. As far as I can remember (it was in the early 80s) there wasn't a single laugh for the whole set except when he told one joke and someone in the crowd shouted out an alternative (and funnier) punchline. It was absolutely excruciating to watch.