On Carol Vordeman

[mippy]

I was fascinated with the tale of Richard Brittain - the Countdown champ who wrote a dreadful book and was later jailed for bottling a young lassie who wrote a bad review - and it seems he's now out and blogging https://richardbrittain2.wordpress.com/2017/05/14/on-carol-vorderman/

[the science eel]

"on"

[mr beepbap]

Ha ha wow! I like his prison painting 'Pool Table Fire (This really happened)'  and the amazon reviews of his book - ' dreadful', 'drivel' and ' enjoy your porridge'.

[3D]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Vorderman is a horrendous human being isn't she? Wealth and fame seem to have only resulted in insatiable immoral greed and a menopausal camel toe.

The worst of the North.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I lost all respect for her when she abused her celebrity postition as 'someone who knows about numbers' to flog finance to pensioners.

[Pijlstaart]

Not a nice woman, going purely by her question time appearance many years ago. Smart person for thick people, like how uncle bulgaria was the wisest womble, only wise by the standards of his trouserless bin-diving vagrant society. Pales in comparison though, this countdown guy is something else, really weird blog, princess beatrice poetry and the like, it all feels like a joke, crap poems, crap writing, crap drawings. It's all real though, rhe extracts from his book and accompanying amazon reviews are amazing, a hidden gem.

[Glebe]

I was fascinated with the tale of Richard Brittain - the Countdown champ who wrote a dreadful book and was later jailed for bottling a young lassie who wrote a bad review - and it seems he's now out and blogging https://richardbrittain2.wordpress.com/2017/05/14/on-carol-vorderman/

That's well odd.

As for Vorderman herself, she's sexy and she knows it and seems like a right reactionary twit.

[biggytitbo]

 Vordrman is about as sexy as a meat nappy.

Her question time appearenace is right up there with the most disastrously inept in history. It's a shame where she's ended up because Take Nobody Sword For It was great.

[EastHastings]

She's from Bedford.

[thenoise]

Rachel > Carol

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Don't forget she didn't just shill for unsustainable loans but managed to find time to be paid to sell snake oil tablets as well. Wonder woman.

[Eis Nein]

Not a nice woman, going purely by her question time appearance many years ago. Smart person for thick people, like how uncle bulgaria was the wisest womble, only wise by the standards of his trouserless bin-diving vagrant society. Pales in comparison though, this countdown guy is something else, really weird blog, princess beatrice poetry and the like, it all feels like a joke, crap poems, crap writing, crap drawings. It's all real though, rhe extracts from his book and accompanying amazon reviews are amazing, a hidden gem.

This needs framing. Old Bulg had all day to wise up and just faffed about like a wally. Well Brexit.

[Better Midlands]

I'd bang that shit into next week.

She could whisper the APR% on her payday loans in my ear as I defiled her.

[touchingcloth]

Sadly Richard Brittain's old (pre-sentencing) blog appears to have been taken down, though it is archived by the Wayback Machine.

As well as his vanity publishing of novels, he used his blog as an outlet for some truly world class doggerel. It was full of gems like this:

This poem is inspired by Jeremy Corbyn, who did not sing the national anthem.

If God saves the Queen,
Does the devil save the rest?
It is the year twenty-fifteen,
And we are still possessed,

Repressed by vanity,
Obsessed by the fake,
We mask our insanity,
We eat a hollow cake,

Britain is your foundation,
Said the power junkie,
But I am not a nation,
I am just a monkey,

We sing not to Queen or King,
But to nothing, anything or everything.

Plenty more discussion on the man himself over in this old thread - http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,50818.0/nowap.html.

[Steven]

Time to wheel out my old bit of gossip that The Vordster as a schoolgirl used to go around Prestatyn in an anorak in the rain and note down and collect the license plates of cars as a hobby, coupled with my other anecdote about the band I was watching in Oxford breaking out of their set to describe bumping into Richard Whiteley while on tour at an all-night petrol station but "He weren't like he was on the telly, had his shirt open and a medallion and in this flash car and this bird he had with him.." this has been all my Countdown related public service anecdotes for today.

[hedgehog90]

She seemed alright on I'm a Celebrity.

[Small Man Big Horse]

This entry starts off quite bizarrely, then becomes funny, but ends on a weirdly chilling note. He's really got it all going on.

I currently reside at Chase Farm Hospital, Dorset Ward. I was sectioned. I'm not exactly sure why, but about ten nurses – one of whom was blonde – surrounded me, pinned me down and injected me with something. So far I have found Dorset Ward to be a most intriguing place. A Jewish fellow called Sam befriended me. Indeed, he bought me cherry cola, which was very thoughtful of him, because cherry is my favourite flavour. My good friend Nicola Mayer also visited, and brought me a copy of The Guardian, which I have enjoyed reading. I am a socialist you see. I have always been a socialist.

Then there is Bassie, who I believe is descended from the Zulu people, though he claims to be from Nigeria. "What exactly is the problem with Africa?" I asked him. "Is it the artificial boundaries?!"

"Problem? There is no problem with Africa, Richard."

"What sports do you play?" I asked him.

"Rugby," he said.

"Ah," I replied. "I am a footballer. A boy I knew broke his neck playing rugby. That put me off."

Bassie merely shrugged. "I've seen broken necks, broken backs..."

"Very well," I said. "I think we need King Charles."

"Why?" asked Bassie.

"The Queen... She's too weak."

Bassie nodded slightly.

And what of Elias? I assumed him to be Jewish. In fact he is a Christian, and also a civil servant. His mind, he said, is "dark and foggy."

But the Bible helps him. "What version?" I asked him. "I like the Authorised version. That is to say, the King James Bible."

"What are your favourite passages?" he asked me.

"I am the rose of Sharon.

I am the lily of the valley.

That is why the virgins love me."

Because I am also a virgin.

"Like Richard Branson?"

"No. Wealthier."

"How do you make your money, Richard?"

"I write. Books, my dear boy, books..."

"What are they called?"

"I can't remember."

"I can," said Elias. "You're that author who saved the world, aren't you?"

"What? No. That's Michael Walker."

"Are you certain of this?"

"Absolutely positive," I replied.

"Wait. Why are we in hospital again? Aren't we perfectly sane?"

"Indeed, Elias. Indeed we are."

"Then who is insane? Everyone except us?"

"Possibly," I said.

"I think they should read your books, Richard."

"Ah, I remember what they are called now," I said. "The World Rose. I wrote it about Ella, my first love. It was a delusion though. Voices in the head, my dear boy."

"And what of Boondoggle?"

"Why, that is about Paigey Lou, of course, my second love."

"And Page Finder? Is that not about her?"

"No. That's about Miranda Cassidy."

"I see. I see. And The Druid Party Manifesto? You wrote that, did you not? That is about you, isn't it?"

"Why, no. That is about all of us," I replied. "But particularly, my fourth love."

"And who would that be?"

"Jeremy Corbyn. We need him. We need him very dearly."

"Where can I find your books, Richard?"

"Why, on Amazon, of course. I am an Amazonian warrior. I have always been an Amazonian warrior."

"But the reviews? They're terrible."

"So they are, my friend. So they are."

"So why should I read them?"

"Why should you read a terrible book?" I asked.

Because I am enjoying reading your blog, Richard. All of us are. We need you, Richard. We are your servants. All of us. Even Peter Mandelson.

Very well then. And what of Tony Blair?

"He is my father," I replied. "He must learn to love Jeremy Corbyn".

"I'm not sure if he has it in him, Richard."

"Of course he does. I love Tony Blair. We all do. We forgive him."

"And John Prescott?"

"What about him?"

"Just go and read my books. You're boring me now."

"Fine," said Paige.

Why exactly did you attack her?

Because I was angry. I was very angry indeed.

And why should we release you from hospital? What if you attack another innocent girl?

Because I'm sorry.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

I like this poem on that blog.

https://richardbrittain2.wordpress.com/2017/04/30/for-melissa/


Personally, I think he should offer her a Milky Way only if she shows him some Curly Wurlies.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Unnerving.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Time to wheel out my old bit of gossip that The Vordster as a schoolgirl used to go around Prestatyn in an anorak in the rain and note down and collect the license plates of cars as a hobby, coupled with my other anecdote about the band I was watching in Oxford breaking out of their set to describe bumping into Richard Whiteley while on tour at an all-night petrol station but "He weren't like he was on the telly, had his shirt open and a medallion and in this flash car and this bird he had with him.." this has been all my Countdown related public service anecdotes for today.

You've just reminded me, when we were teenagers we saw celebrity racist Ron 'Big Ron' Atkinson walking across the petrol station forecourt. He must've clocked us all peering at him from my mates Fiesta as he shouted a slightly unenthusiastic 'alright lads' at us.

[mippy]

Sadly Richard Brittain's old (pre-sentencing) blog appears to have been taken down, though it is archived by the Wayback Machine.

As well as his vanity publishing of novels, he used his blog as an outlet for some truly world class doggerel. It was full of gems like this:

Plenty more discussion on the man himself over in this old thread - http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,50818.0/nowap.html.

The poetry on the current blog is far, far worse. I was torn between finding it unintentionally hilarious and wishing I could tell someone to stop him from blogging.

[mippy]

For Kristy
You made me jealous of Napoleon and Hitler,
For you seemed to admire them,
Nonetheless I enjoyed looking at you,
You are quite the buxom lady,
What have I learned from you?
That girls do not need help,
With homework or anything else,
But I wanted to help you anyway,
Because of your smile,
Your thighs,
And, of course, your boobies.

[mippy]

Sorry, don't know how to do a quote properly:

On Corbyn
Theresa May is a mother,
Her child is England,
But what happens when a boy has no father?
He becomes arrogant,
Deluded,
Narcissistic,
We all need a father,
And Britain's Father is in the Labour family,
His name is Jeremy,
Jeremy Corbyn,
Our conscience.

[mippy]

This, however, was what made me think they released him a bit early: https://richardbrittain2.wordpress.com/2017/04/28/why-the-whole-world-needs-princess-beatrice/

[Beagle 2]

Smart person for thick people, like how uncle bulgaria was the wisest womble, only wise by the standards of his trouserless bin-diving vagrant society.

Fifteen years I've been bumming around here. I feel like it's all been leading up to reading that sentence.

[Monsieur Verdoux]

I chuckled for a full few minutes at that sentence. It's beautiful thing. Took me totally by surprise.

[touchingcloth]

Do you know what the real thinking man's crumpet is? Crumpet.

[Dex Sawash]

Do you know what the real thinking man's crumpet is? Crumpet.

Too eggy

[Glebe]

[tag]Richard Stilgoe leaves thread with a boner.[/tag]