On Carol Vordeman

[mr beepbap]

His 'Druid Party Manifesto'  book has the best Amazon review I've ever seen, simply saying
"This author needs long term inpatient care"

[Trojan_Jockey]

Is there such a thing as camel toe implants?

[Sgt. Duckie]

Eyes down for these crucial Countdown conundurumums...
MOLESTACE
STALECOME
CLOSEMEAT


Doo doo
Doo doo
Doodly doop
Oooo

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

We eat a hollow cake.

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

His 'Druid Party Manifesto'  book has the best Amazon review I've ever seen, simply saying
"This author needs long term inpatient care"

Amazing.

Also..."On The Years I Spent Listening to Radiohead". jesus, do I have to burn my collection now?

[Ambient Sheep]

I lost all respect for her when she abused her celebrity postition as 'someone who knows about numbers' to flog finance to pensioners.

Absolutely.  This.  Up until then I quite liked her (although perhaps I wouldn't have done had I seen this Question Time appearance of hers, from the sounds of it).  But the first time I saw her do one of those I was literally shouting at the telly at her sheer cynicism.

This entry starts off quite bizarrely, then becomes funny, but ends on a weirdly chilling note. He's really got it all going on.

I currently reside at Chase Farm Hospital, Dorset Ward. I was sectioned. I'm not exactly sure why, but about ten nurses – one of whom was blonde – surrounded me, pinned me down and injected me with something. So far I have found Dorset Ward to be a most intriguing place.

God yes, I was about to quote that one.  Jesus, that's far too near me for comfort.  (Geographically I mean, not mentally!)

Also this: https://richardbrittain2.wordpress.com/2017/05/09/a-brief-adventure-in-hertfordshire/

My adventure was short-lived, for I am back in hospital. I went to Hertford and wandered round some beautifully green and pleasant fields for several hours. I needed the fresh air. I made vague plans to walk to Scotland. However, my internal compass led me south rather than north, and I ended up near Bayford. There, with the horses, I saw the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

I found also a pub, and went inside. "How much for half a pint of Green King IPA?" I inquired.

"£2.05," she said.

"I have only a £2 coin," I said, truthfully.

"Then I will pay five pence," she offered, kindly, and I downed the ale very rapidly.

Was it worth it? I needed to get away from hospital for a while, having been cooped up here for quite some time, but it was possibly a stupid thing to do because it could mean that my stay here will be prolonged. Nonetheless, I have the memories of those green, green fields and that blue-eyed, fresh-faced, raven-haired woman in memory.

I may have to move.

[JoeyBananaduck]

I'm sorry but here's how I see Carol's trajectory.

Shy nerd
Nerd who gets a big break
Nerd who is grateful for her big break and seems like a nice lass, bit mousey but who cares about that
Big break leads to more telly like How 2 on CITV and a segment on Tomorrow's World
THE PIVOTAL EVENT: Someone tells her she's really very sexy
Life becomes entirely about being sexy
Arse implants
Boob job
Vast attention
Rear of the Year
Turn evil
Bilk OAPs out of their pension fund based on their trust
Shill for bullshit placebos to the same audience
Talk absolute bollocks on Question Time because why not, I'm Carol Fucking Vorderman
More surgery
Uncanny Valley residing Evil Humanity-Free Sex Robot 9000

[Ambient Sheep]

Arse implants
Boob job

Really?!  How disappointing.  How long ago? - I thought she'd always had a cracking arse.


_{As her headmistress would know, allegedly.}

[biggytitbo]

What nobody can explain is Vorderman's Claw, a rock formation on the moon in the form of Carol Vorderman's clawed hand. Carol herself refuses to ever talk about it and when pressed starts emitting a sound so high pitched it shatters concrete.

[Jockice]

I'm quite proud of the fact I've never watched a full episode of Countdown in my life. My dad did though, and every time Vorderman was on another programme he'd tell me that she'd been voted the sexiest TV star by middle-aged men. Every single time. Yes pops, I know you fancied her, but for god's sake why didn't you just admit it. And being in your sixties isn't middle aged either. So there.

[biggytitbo]

It is if you live to 120, Carol could have told you that.

[Jockice]

Vordrman is about as sexy as a meat nappy.

Her question time appearenace is right up there with the most disastrously inept in history.

Surely not worse than Cheese Twat From Blur's?

[biggytitbo]

Cheese twat is so irrelevent that it was more funny than anything else. The only other celeb appearance that rivals Vorderman for awfulness was Izzards.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Oh Vor-der-man, oo-oo-oo-oo, oh Lois Lane, oo-oo-oo-oo
Oh Vor-der-man, oo-oo-oo-oo, oh Mom & Dad, oo-oo-oo-oo....

[Beagle 2]

John Lydon takes the cake for Quezza Time cringe, although he is significantly more fuckable than Carol Vorderman.

[mippy]

The hollow cake.

My least. fave was Emma Thingy, who edited Smash Hits (post Kate Thornton turning it to shit)  and then got a column in the Sun. Can't remember her name but she disappeared from view shortly after. I last saw her in a Vanish ad suggesting ways to remove stains.

[Bazooka]

He should have been given a longer setence for his crimes against literature on The World Rose:

"An epic fairytale romance set in a semi-fictional ancient world, containing elements of action, adventure, poetry and comedy. The title has a triple meaning: the central character is a renowned beauty - 'the rose of the world' - while the rose flower features heavily in the plot, and it also implies that the world rose up.

When Ronwind Drake discovers treasures in a distant paradise, a new golden age seems set to begin, but Ella Tundra will find that all which glitters is not gold as she faces many obstacles in her quest for true love.

[poodlefaker]

She was in Dawn Chorus and the Bluetits with Liz Kershaw. I've got their version of Teenage Kicks somewhere.

[Glebe]

Susie Dent is cute, but she's become a bit too self-aware and that. She should have refused to do Eight Out of Ten Cats Does Countdown and retained her cred.

[hewantstolurkatad]

I'm a bit baffled that she's only 56, I feel like when I was in primary school (15 years ago, like), there was a trend of articles about her going on about how great she looked for her age. She definitely didn't look much younger than her actual age, like.

[biggytitbo]

That anecdote is Out of This World.

[popcorn]

[gilbertharding]

The hollow cake.

My least. fave was Emma Thingy, who edited Smash Hits (post Kate Thornton turning it to shit)  and then got a column in the Sun. Can't remember her name but she disappeared from view shortly after. I last saw her in a Vanish ad suggesting ways to remove stains.

That WAS her, in the Vanish Ads, wasn't it?

She's on the clip that's on youtube of the time Jamiroquai got twatted by that bloke.

[pigamus]

Oh Vor-der-man, oo-oo-oo-oo, oh Lois Lane, oo-oo-oo-oo
Oh Vor-der-man, oo-oo-oo-oo, oh Mom & Dad, oo-oo-oo-oo....

Fun fact: Dennis Nilsen's favourite song.

[gilbertharding]

The best thing which ever happened on Countdown was when Nick 'The Bevis Frond' Saloman was a contestant, and brought in a tape of his cover version of the theme music.

It's on youtube. Find it yourself.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Fun fact: Dennis Nilsen's favourite song.

Yes, you can just imagine him sitting there in the early hours, for an age, as that track plays from start to finish on his stereo, as he stares in an almost trance-like state at a man in an armchair opposite, alive and breathing, but passed out through drink.  As the end fades to silence, he still sits silently for a few moments, then suddenly and decisively jumps up, picking up cloth or string that he rolls into a taut ligature...

[Harpo Speaks]

Very hateful appearance on Question Time from what I can recall. My memory is vague, but I think there was plenty of emotionally manipulative language being tossed around as she argued with Will Self about John Venables, who had been back in the news for breaching his licence.

One of those people whose so-called compassion for children manifests itself in reactionary opinion and an almost palpable desire for vigilantism.

[Eis Nein]

Fun fact: Dennis Nilsen's favourite song.

Yes, you can just imagine him sitting there in the early hours, for an age, as that track plays from start to finish on his stereo, as he stares in an almost trance-like state at a man in an armchair opposite, alive and breathing, but passed out through drink.  As the end fades to silence, he still sits silently for a few moments, then suddenly and decisively jumps up, picking up cloth or string that he rolls into a taut ligature...

I've gone right off him. I used to like It'll Be Alrigfht On The Night.

[colacentral]

John Lydon takes the cake for Quezza Time cringe, although he is significantly more fuckable than Carol Vorderman.

The worst I've seen was Jermaine Jenas, although I felt sorry for him more than anything. He turned every answer around to relate to football in some way, eg "well... I'd have to say that Cameron's u-turn on this policy is a bit like when Redknapp forced us to change tactics five minutes before kick-off..."

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Very hateful appearance on Question Time from what I can recall. My memory is vague, but I think there was plenty of emotionally manipulative language being tossed around as she argued with Will Self about John Venables, who had been back in the news for breaching his licence.

One of those people whose so-called compassion for children manifests itself in reactionary opinion and an almost palpable desire for vigilantism.

Presumably she was saying he should have been hung, drawn, quartered, then transported to Australia for life, was she?

Actually, no, I'm sure she didn't.  Even she couldn't have been as barbaric as to suggest the last of those.