Has anyone here had a breakdown?

[steve98]

:::hug::::

(Poof alert)

[weekender]

It wasn't a breakdown as such, but earlier today when the one-legged guy in a wheelchair just deliberately threw his ice cream wrapper on the floor right in the path of where I was walking, I was instinctively so angry that I just picked it up and threw it back in his lap.

To clarify, it was only when I looked where I was throwing the wrapper back to that I realised he was disabled, and only had one leg, and was in a wheelchair.  My initial thought process was basically "Don't throw your wrapper at me you cunt, I'll fucking throw it back at you, you cunt".  A similar thought process occurs with me when teenagers needlessly spit near my feet.

Fortunately I diffused the situation by saying "There's a bin RIGHT THERE!" whilst pointing to a bin, and then saying "Fuck, there's the 966!" and running away.

[Twed]

Has it sunk in yet that you flaunted your two working legs by running away from him?

[LanceUppercut]

I had a bad time a few years ago, went from no responsibility whatsoever to having a mortgage and two lives that relied on me for everything and I slowly went into booze benzos and painkillers anything to relax me and take off the stress.

I'm better now still not 100% though, never take benzos though the withdrawal from that I felt like I was going to die.

I'd highly recommend counselling, I was dead against it, but when forced to go it was a massive help to unload on someone you don't know.

[weekender]

Right, onto the serious stuff.

If you're feeling bad, depressed, on the verge of a breakdown etc, please remember that your *overall* aim should be to do this:

-Eat more healthily, get more exercise, and talk about stuff.

Honestly, this stuff works.  I could explain why at this point, but you and I both know that it ain't happening in the short term.

You're too morose, too wound up, no-one understands you, life's unfair.  I get that.

For now, you need to set yourself one goal, and make it achievable.

For example:

"Tomorrow, I am going to eat two pieces of fruit".

You'll cave.  This particular example is too much of a task.  It involves too many complexities - which two fruits do you choose, where do you buy them from etc.

Be more realistic.

"Tomorrow I am going to eat an apple".

A little better, but still fraught with certain complexities.  However, can you work through those to achieve the aim of eating an apple?

-Do you live near a shop?
-Can you eat an apple?
-What about the pips?

I get that even this example sounds, on the face of it, like it could be difficult.  If you spend a bit of time thinking about it though, you may eventually realise that it might not be that bad.

I'm genuinely not being facetious with this post.  If you can start training your brain and body to achieve simple, little tasks, you'll get a feeling of accomplishment.

Gradually, over time, you can build yourself up to more and more complex tasks and eventually you may find that they're not that bad either.

I go back to my point about original aims:

-Eat more healthily, get more exercise, and talk about stuff.

I still don't eat that healthily, but I'd say I'm on about '4 a day' now.  I try and have one big bike ride on a Sunday morning, and most evenings I try to do about 45-60 minutes of swimming.

It wasn't always this way though, a few years' back I was in a much worse mental place - not to the point of suicide, 'manic depression and stress' is probably a better description.

And the best advice that anyone gave me was to try one step at a time.  Sounds trite but it works.

Could you eat an apple tomorrow?

[weekender]

I'd highly recommend counselling, I was dead against it, but when forced to go it was a massive help to unload on someone you don't know.

Agreed - the "you" in this thread is probably your own brain fighting your own brain.

I still don't know what my brain really wants, but I know it functions more effectively when I eat well, exercise well, and talk about it.

[weekender]

I FORGOT ABOUT SLEEP.

Get lots of sleep. 

I'm sorry, I'm really tired now and I know I'm not going to be up for much longer.

Quality sleep is also important.

[weekender]

Just do one thing at a time though.  If you're used to 'drug sleep' or whatever, that's not changing overnight.

Can you buy and eat an apple tomorrow?

[Space ghost]

I'm better now still not 100% though, never take benzos though the withdrawal from that I felt like I was going to die.

That's because you can actually die withdrawing from benzos

[JoeyBananaduck]

Nice and thoughtful posts, Weekender. Cheers mate.

[Ambient Sheep]

(Poof alert)

I didn't know zomgmouse was a woman.  Pretty impressive sideburns, if so.


And yeah, weekender knows of what he speaks.  It does work.

[Dr Syntax Head]

Exercise is a fucking great way to deal with the onset of a breakdown/depression/anxiety/stress. The difficulty lies in getting motivated to just go for it. Cycling is a brilliant method. Well it works for me anyway. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to just get my cycling clothes on and charge my iPod when I'm staring at the abyss. But once I'm out, some decent music in my ears it only takes about 10 minutes before I start a lovely little positivity rush. That motivates me to keep going. Before I know it I'm exhausted after a marathon bike ride and a real sense of achievement.

Trouble is if I reward myself with a couple of beers it ruins any chances of cycling the next day. So I have to force myself not to drink because mate that stuff really does compound any issues.

Go cycling. Or lengthy walks in the countryside. That works too. Just being out. Under the sun. Or the rain both are good.

[Anagram of a Shit Name]

I'm not normally one for talking about "feelings" and such, especially to a bunch of strangers on t'internet, but what's the worst that could happen eh?

I think I've been depressed for years, but kept things in check being busy with work, kids, marriage and all the stuff that goes with them. However the last couple of years have gone downhill somewhat. I've separated from my wife, had no luck finding a proper job, distanced myself from any friends I had and recently discovered that aswell as everything else, apparently I'm a shit Father.

My default position whenever something goes tits skywards is " why do I bother, just end it all, no-one would give a rat's ass" etc, etc. I've researched methods of suicide but the upshot is I think I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with any of them. Either too much pain or risk of fucking it up and being left a vegetable.

My current thinking is to fuck off somewhere else, possibly another country and try again.The problem is  I'm not the most outgoing or adventurous person and I don't have any transferrable skills that would be in demand in any other countries. I would love to emigrate to Oz, as I spent a year there a couple of decades ago, but the entry criteria won't allow me in now. America has a draw to it, but again getting a job/ residency there would be tough.

So I'm stuck really. I have no family, other than my kids who I don't see, no friends to speak of, can't sell my house for love nor money and can't be arsed with anything or anyone anymore. I often wonder where it all went wrong.

I don't think I've ever really "lived", but merely existed. Seems such a waste of a life. I dont suppose I'm the only one though and I'm sure that many other's lives are considerably worse than mine, it's just hard to see the positives when everything seems to be going to shit.

This post is too long.

[Dr Syntax Head]

I'm not normally one for talking about "feelings" and such, especially to a bunch of strangers on t'internet, but what's the worst that could happen eh?

It can sometimes be easier to talk to strangers. I mean look at this thread. Not alone man. Friends and Family though meaning well can often just pay lip service and not really understand. That's why counselling can work really well.

And post is not too long. You said what you needed to say and that's a good thing

[Glebe]

I just want to be really clear that I am not in a state of mind where anybody needs to step in or worry. I'm not at that point yet, or at the point where I've decided that I will never be okay again. I do want this to end well.

That's what I like to hear.

[Black Ship]

(Poof alert)

Erm...?

[Twed]

Anagram of a Shit Name: I can sort-of relate to your situation. If you want a friend to vent pure misery spleen to, I'm available.

[zomgmouse]

Reading through all these I'm coming to realise my own stresses don't seem to be coming from an actively bad, depressive* place. Rather, it's the opposite. I feel like I'm whirling out of control due to so many things going on at once - again, none of them bad - and yet more that I still need to do. And it's that conflict between having a lot of things to do and the nagging feeling of so many other things that I need and want to do in the future, or should be doing/concentrating on now that I probably might be prioritising incorrectly. And I'm also incapable of just stopping and taking stock of it all, which is something I feel I urgently need to do. It's all weighing down on me quite a lot and in fact I'm surprised I'm typing so calmly.

*EDIT: I do occasionally feel impossibly incapable of doing anything so maybe this is inaccurate. Also I've never had myself analysed.

[ASFTSN]

Don't really want to get deeply into it but at one point I spent a night stood screaming on the little platform in front of a high-up billboard in a city centre.

Shit scary this...it's almost like classic breakdown behaviour as portrayed by films and that.  I'm glad to hear you're better now.

[weekender]

Reading through all these I'm coming to realise my own stresses don't seem to be coming from an actively bad, depressive* place. Rather, it's the opposite. I feel like I'm whirling out of control due to so many things going on at once - again, none of them bad - and yet more that I still need to do. And it's that conflict between having a lot of things to do and the nagging feeling of so many other things that I need and want to do in the future, or should be doing/concentrating on now that I probably might be prioritising incorrectly. And I'm also incapable of just stopping and taking stock of it all, which is something I feel I urgently need to do. It's all weighing down on me quite a lot and in fact I'm surprised I'm typing so calmly.

That reminds me of another tip - write stuff down.  If you're not comfortable sharing it online, just write it in a Word document, or even just use pen and paper.  Take that step back, off the wheel of life, and think about stuff (you can talk about it later, if you want).

Capture the stuff that's really bothering you.  I guarantee it will be a long list.

Add "Could you eat an apple tomorrow?" to that list.

Then, try and prioritise the list as best you can.  A Word document is probably better than pen and paper for this.

I did this whole approach earlier tonight, and it turned out that something that was really bothering me - that I could do something about, and this is genuine - was that because I'd been away on work duties a few times this week, my washing basket was nearly full and this doesn't fit with my weekend routine of washing my bed linen/towels etc.  I know technically it's a bank holiday weekend and I could catch up on my washing, but in my head there was a problem that I had to address.

So today, instead of going for a swim after work, I've come home and put a load of washing on.  I get that 'washing' seems like a simple, obvious thing that most people take for granted, but I don't deal well with 'routine disruption'.

Interestingly, I'm the complete opposite at work.  Today I was asked to chair an important conference call with no notice whatsoever, and just sort of took it in my stride, and I think I did alright.

My point is that I personally find that keeping on top of what are deemed 'simple' tasks that a lot of people take for granted, keeps me in a good mental place.  I know it sounds weird, but in my head as long as 'my' basics are covered, I can cope with most other things.

Again - I'm not being facetious.  When I've been in lesser places mentally, I find that basic stuff slips - I end up with bed linen that hasn't been washed for a couple of weeks, a carpet that needs vacuuming, and it all adds up to the point where cleaning the entire flat is a massive problem.

Over time, I've learned that, little by little, one step at a time, I can address these problems.  I try not to let my flat get to that point any more - and, if I'm being honest, I now pay someone £50 every 6 months to come in and clean all the shitty bits that I can never be arsed doing, like the skirting boards, the bits behind the wires, the oven etc.

But, if I'm 'low', I generally accept that I'm not going to clean my flat in a day - there's too much to do/contemplate, and my energy levels are down because I haven't been exercising.  So I address one or two tasks at a time, and I feel a little better for it.  Then I do another few tasks the next day, and feel a little better for that.

I'm doing alright these days - I can usually do a 'quick clean' of my flat in a couple of hours, although I still keep a written list of what a 'quick clean' entails, and a written list of what 'long clean' entails.  This serves two purposes - a) serves as a mental boost to remind me what I can actually achieve if I put my mind to it, and b) a 'bad list' for the poor cleaner.

Key point - again - is that nothing will change overnight.

However, could you eat an apple tomorrow instead of some crisps?

[Twed]

I think your advice is good for typical depression, and would have helped me get out of some spots in the past.

The thing that's different for me is that this is more like a crisis. I'm not in crisis because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed because I'm in crisis. When the crisis was slightly different it felt like (the both of us) were about to be free of a passionless marriage where we make each other miserable, and that was exhilarating. By default I'd eat well and exercise, because it facilitated this new, exciting life. Now that the situation has changed into a long, drawn-out process of inescapable bounds it feels stifling, and too much has happened along the way to make me feel like I'd even have value to any woman.

I want us both to be able to fuck each other off and start dating people. Now. Before we're middle-aged. We'd both be happier. We don't have kids. We could do this thing, guilt-free. And that's the brightest thought I'm able to muster. Most of the time I'm just feeling like I'm over and should wake up every day to eat my misery porridge.

Mid-life crisis at 33, basically. And it's shitty to write about, because by fuck I am not coming across as a figure worthy of sympathy, but instead as a mopey wannabe-philanderer. I wouldn't ever have guessed my problems would be about wanting two married people to be able to fulfill their basic human needs. That and worrying that I'm even human enough to get to be part of the world where people fulfill needs.


More than any of it, I'm just so fucking lonely, especially when I'm at home. I dread weekends. I suffer from OCD quite badly (not in a hand-washing way) and I think I might have made the need to be wanted and to love again my driving compulsion. It's very difficult to rationalise around it, and I didn't expect something like this to make me sad enough to weep. Again, I sound childish.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

More than any of it, I'm just so fucking lonely, especially when I'm at home. I dread weekends. I suffer from OCD quite badly (not in a hand-washing way) and I think I might have made the need to be wanted and to love again my driving compulsion. It's very difficult to rationalise around it, and I didn't expect something like this to make me sad enough to weep. Again, I sound childish.

I'm sorry to read of your troubles mate. I'm gonna chuck a tuppence worth of pointless opinion in if I may.

I think most people are lonely. Even if they aren't overtly aware of it, and oftentimes it's the people in relationships that are the most lonely. If you're "with" someone and you're still feeling lonely then it's shite. Your situation in particular sounds fraught with an ocean of fuckries, I can't really offer any advice on that other than it will change if you keep going. It will get better and then maybe worse and then maybe better then worse then better etc etc until you pop off this small ball unto the infinite.

I dunno, but that want or need to be loved and to love is, I think, an intrinsic part of what it is to be a person. The fact that lots of persons go through this shitetube of existence without ever experiencing that is quite depressing tbh. I don't think it's something you should necessarily try to rationalise or hand wave away as OCD though. It's a (very) human need.

Anyway, fuck knows really. I wish you the best, I'm also 33 and quite possibly going through some sort of breakdown myself, for different reasons, although I weirdly seem to be vaguely keeping it together for the time being (beer helps), probably won't last.

Also there's tinder and shit now, which although quite depressing and dehumanising in it's own way does enable you to chat to and meet possible partners a lot more easily than in the past.

33 is fiiiiiiiinnneee pleeenty of tiiimme maaate.

This is what I tell myself.

Could find love at 57, or 78 or 92. Fuck knows. Grit your teeth. Move through it. Breath. etc.

I might just be telling this to myself, who knows anymore.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

No, I do those slow motion ones where I retreat into my own space and pretend there isn't anything wrong until the problems erupt in a series of shocks that gradually force me to change and get back to normal.

A bit like neoliberalism.

[zomgmouse]

Take that step back, off the wheel of life

How? I feel like I've got too much going on to just stop. I do want to sit down and write out all the things worrying me in my head cause I know it'll get me closer to figuring things out and putting things in perspective and maybe prioritising what matters most but I'm also dreading this not working and just sending me into another panic about my life. I'm also a bit afraid of radically changing the contents of my life if that's what it comes to. I'm also not sure I can do this alone but I also don't know if I want to do it with anyone else.
I'm pretty on top of my fruit consumption though.
EDIT: Exercise however is not something I'm on top of. I used to go to the gym to do cardio and yoga and that used to be a routine part of my life and then I went away for 2 weeks and then it was Christmas and I was working retail and so that routine lapsed and then I never quite got back into it and that was over two years ago and I still haven't taken steps to get back into it and it's one of my worries cause I feel like I need to actively take care of my health and maintain my stamina cause of my family's history of heart problems.

[zomgmouse]

The problems erupt in a series of shocks that gradually force me to change and get back to normal.

That sounds pretty breakdowny to me

[zomgmouse]

I'm just so fucking lonely

pleeenty of tiiimme maaate.

Oh hello, it's more of my worries! Yay!

[zomgmouse]

I weirdly seem to be vaguely keeping it together for the time being (beer helps), probably won't last.

This definitely sounds alarm bellsy - if alcohol is your palliative you might want to take a look at that situation.

[Small Man Big Horse]

... because by fuck I am not coming across as a figure worthy of sympathy...Again, I sound childish.

Just for the record I don't think either of those two things are true in the slightest. I've an enormous amount of sympathy for the situation you're in, it sounds abjectly miserable and I know I wouldn't be able to cope if it were happening to me. At least not without much medication and therapy. I think one of the things to try and remember when you're depressed is that your mind can act in a really cuntish way, and you'll believe things which just aren't true. I was thirty two when I saw one specific therapist, who was easily the best I've met over the years, and her explaining how you need to question what you're thinking, and examine whether it's true or not, is one of the most important things to try to do. At the time I thought I'd been through too much misery, that I couldn't recover it from it, and that I had no future due to the mistakes I'd made, but it really wasn't the case at all and my brain was being a right cunt in making me think that. One of her pieces of advice to me was really handy as well, where she suggested getting angry with my brain if I was thinking particularly bleak thoughts. Like, "Why the fuck are you doing this to me, you cunt? It's just fucking mean and may well not be the case at all, so fuck you, I'm not going to listen to you anymore." Then try and find something to distract, anything that still brings you any kind of happiness, and concentrate on that.

[Twed]

Thank you wise people.

Due to fear of seeing a therapist, strangers on the Internet have been very helpful. You people have been very helpful.

[zomgmouse]

fear of seeing a therapist

There's another one for my checklist!