The love of my life just died

[HappyTree]

Diana Aitai 1988-2011


Little did I know when I was trying to sympathise, empathise with Joy Nktonga's terrible news that I would be faced with the same kind of situation myself soon.

I met this beautiful, wonderful, special girl online 8 years ago when she was 14 and alone in her room with the internet for the first time. Christmas 2002. She was finding it hard to bond with classmates and other people because of her incredible mind that was so far in advance of everyone around her she had difficulty trying to connect.

I saw the name Diana appear in the chatroom and started talking to her. Oh, you're from Estonia? Where's that? She found me funny and kind and prepared to listen to her teenage angst and take her seriously. I was suffering from the death of my Dad myself, so we had a mutual need to reach out and connect.

I found in subsequent emails back and forth that she basically has the same mind as I do. I'd never felt that before in my life, at the age of 32. We shared stories and laughter, I played endlessly with her on Yahoo Messenger making the little emoticons dance around, she loved that. She was so full of fun.

As the years went by we shared deeper emotions, I felt like we'd known each other forever. I became convinced we were soul mates. As she hit the ages of 17, 18 and started to become a young woman I realised how beautiful she was and started to fall in love. I knew I'd never met her and she was probably too young ever to have a real relationship with, but I had by then become her unofficial brother (she was an only child) and I vowed to myself and the universe that I would dedicate my life to supporting her, encouraging her, making sure she knew that there was someone out there who cared for her more than he cared for himself.

We met for the first time 2 years ago. Well, a year ago in August. I stayed at her family home and her mother, understandably, saw me as a threat and some internet weirdo. I guess what irked me most about what some people said about us was that I was in it to seduce her. If anyone actually knew me they'd know that was the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to love her and take care of her, help her with her insecurities and let her help me with mine.

I moved to Estonia last September after having done a language course here in Tartu. We were inseparable. I had realised after meeting her that I actually was in love. I found her perfect in every way. She fitted my personality like a glove, and I fitted hers. I have never known such pure, beautiful love in my life and I suspect I never will again.

I saw her last Friday night. She invited me out with her friends because she was going to her home town for the weekend and wouldn't be seeing me for a while, which I think meant about 2 weeks. We all came back to my place and drank a bit of wine. I left her in charge of the music, I knew I could trust her to set up a good play list.

The complicity between us was incredible. I loved and trusted her with all my heart. And now she's dead.

She died yesterday whilst out walking in her home town by herself. She fell down a well that had no lid but was covered over with snow. I don't know yet if she drowned or died from the cold. Just like that. The main reason why I came here to live, to protect her at all costs, has disappeared.

I still don't quite believe it. Everything I did, everything I said was in some way connected to pleasing her, making her smile, making her feel truly loved. I think I succeeded in that, I told her so often that I loved her she got a bit fed up with it at times, heh.

The happiest day of my life was just after New Year when she came back from home and asked me to help her with her bags from the bus station. She was very affectionate and pleased to see me again. The hugs and hand-holding she gave me that day were the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. We had such a connection.

She finally told me she loved me on Friday. Oh, she covered it up by stopping herself after "love" and changing it to "accept you as you are" but I heard her say love first. She was very reticent to open herself up, but she felt safe with me and would always call me when she felt ill so I could make her feel better. I once spent €150 calling her every night for 2 weeks from France to Spain to make sure she was ok. I sent her flowers, she loved that.

I recorded a Christmas message to my brother and family when I saw her before Christmas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekt_2fYoGvg

The most beautiful girl in all the world. Once this sinks in I really don't know what I'll do. She was my life. I thought about her every day for at least the last 6 years. The rest of my life was simply marking time until I could see her again. Just 5 minutes of talking in her company was the most exciting thing you could imagine.

Quite simply, I love her. And to live in a world without her light in it seems unimaginable. Devastated doesn't begin to describe it. I was going to marry her one day.

I'm not looking forward to the time when I understand what's happened. For now I'm still stuck in my old thinking patterns of continuing to send her my love, just beaming it at her during almost every minute of the day. I thought she was an angel when she was alive, I'm glad I realised that and haven't only come to that conclusion now.

My love has gone. And so has a large part of myself. I hope I don't become angry and start lashing out. Anyway, I just needed to tell the world this.

[Famous Mortimer]

There aren't really any words to use at times like this. You have my sympathy, HT. Even that sounds completely not enough.

[Joy Nktonga]

I'm so, so sorry HT. Be strong, don't let your sorrow turn to anger. Focus on the love you felt, the way she made you feel. I can't say any more than that.

[Zero Gravitas]

That sounds awfully traumatic HT, you have my condolences.

[chocky909]

I'm really very upset for you HappyTree. I knew how much she meant to you already so this is awful news. I hope you have people who can support you through this difficult time but if you need someone to talk to please PM me any time at all.

[Desi Rascal]

 My condolences HT

[HappyTree]

She fell down a hole. I just can't get my head around it.

It was in the papers this morning. I found out by looking at her Facebook page and her dad had posted a link to the article.

I realise rationally that there was nothing I could have done. But emotionally, I was there to protect her forever. I had accepted that as my life goal a few years ago.

[BlodwynPig]

Truly heartbreaking. My sympathies are with you and with her family and friends.

[Cerys]

Oh, man, HT.  That's so horrible.  I don't know what to say.  I suppose what other posters have said, really.

Ces x

[Neil]

I'm really very sorry for your loss, HT, but try not to blame yourself for not being there to save her. 

[Lfbarfe]

Speechless. Winded. +1 on Neil's message. That's all. xxx

[Ronnie the Raincoat]

Giant love out to you, HT.  I'm so sorry. xx

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Oh my god man. :(

I can't believe it. The way you spoke about her it almost felt like I knew her personally. I know how much she meant to you. This is just beyond. I'm so so sorry to be reading this.

Try to stay calm, talk about it to people. And try your best to focus on all the good times you spent and who she was as a person, nothing else.

Do let me know if you want to talk or anything.

[Saucer51]

There's no fairness when tragedies like this happen. You need to be reassured that the agony of grief does lessen with time. Do whatever you have to do to give your troubled mind some relief. Take care x

[The Boston Crab]

I'm so so sorry.

You were so honest and so supportive and I always respected your attitude, even when I was making a daft joke.

You did everything you could to make the time you shared incredibly special and loving.

Don't ever forget how much that counts, it's far more than most people manage.

Look after yourself.

Lots of love xx

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It feels unreal to be reading the same sort of messages so soon to Joy Nktonga's. I don't know what people are supposed to add or say differently, but it all seems so machine-like. I'm very upset about this and crying just imagining what you must be going through. What the fuck is up with this world sometimes

[Small Man Big Horse]

Jesus, this is such awful news and I'm so sorry to hear it. The only advice I have is to try and surround yourself with as many loved ones as possible, and try and get through it the best you can. My sincere condolences, HT.

[HappyTree]

Well she was my loved one here. I didn't really know anyone else that well. She was always at me to phone people, go out, create connections. I was doing that, slowly. The last time I saw her was the first time I'd really had a good night out with her and her friends. Before that it was just the two of us. I didn't need anyone else. So now, selfish as it is to say, I feel like this country, this world is empty.

My brother's coming over on Saturday but he can only stay for a few days. I'm sure I'll see some of her friends. Oh I don't know, I suppose it's silly to project into the future. My future was with her, and now it's over. I was planning to stay here 3 years until she did her Masters, then I think she wanted to go to England and become a therapist. I was going to follow her everywhere she went, if she let me.

Now, I have no plans.

[Cambrian Times]

Ah God, that's terrible news. I'm so sorry for you HT. XXX

[El Unicornio, mang]

Very sorry to hear your bad news HT

[Steve Lampkins]

It's just unreal. Really sorry to hear about this. Try to take care of yourself.

[CaledonianGonzo]

Awful news, HT.  Stay strong and best wishes.

[VegaLA]

So sorry HT. To be honest I have no idea just how extreme the feeling of loss you are experiencing right now must be for you, I only know how much she meant to you from your previous posts.

I can only say again how sorry I am for you and the people that love her.

[small_world]

I don't know your situation at all, but I know I'd want to be close to my family.
Once your brother has visited, maybe take some time away from Estonia and all of the memories it obviously presents.
Go and visit with your family. Take a while to talk to people who love you, although they'll find it impossible to empathise, the words and kindness they can offer is impossible to find elsewhere.

This is truly shocking.

[Serge]

Damn, I'm so sorry to read this. Like everyone above says, it's obvious how much she meant to you and it's one of the most horrible situations I can think to find yourself in, but I know you'll be strong and get through it, you certainly don't strike me as someone who's going to give themselves totally up to despair. As little as it sounds now, at least you've preserved her memory on these pages and shared that with all of us.

All of my best wishes to you.

[dr_christian_troy]

I'm extremely sorry this happened HT, it's truly upsetting. There's nothing I can add that hasn't already been expressed, but my utterly sincerest condolences for your loss.

[Queneau]

Massive hugs and sympathy from me. I haven't got the bottle to play the video yet though. My thoughts are with you.

[difbrook]

I can't even begin to think of what to say. There just aren't the words. I can only express how deeply sorry for your loss I am.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

So sorry to hear your news. It's hard to know what to say. I guess it's not the replies you're after, really, just the space to say it. I'm sure you're feeling numb now, but you've been very eloquent. I'm glad your brother's coming. Focus on that. You don't need plans right away, no one would expect you to know what to do. Take care.

[Ambient Sheep]

There are no words.  What can one say?  Senseless, absolutely senseless.  Take care. xxx