"My ex Brother-In-Law's shit record collection"

[NoSleep]

...on sale on ebay right now:

http://tinyurl.com/3ouepac

You are bidding on a collection of 50 (approx) 12" singles and LPs of crap music.


My sister found these in her attic last weekend, where they has been sat gathering dust for the last couple of decades. They used to belong to her ex-husband, who is one of the biggest arseholes ever to draw breath. I never liked the wanker, and based my initial antipathy towards him on his taste in music. Not to put too fine a point on it, he was that most contemptible form of pond life, a Jazz Funker. This meant that as well as shit taste in music, he had appalling taste in clothes too. Pringle jumpers, pleated Farrahs, shoes that looked like  pasties, white socks, revolting shirts and a comical wedge-cut hairdon't. Add to this 80s fashion horrorshow a Ford Capri and Super Mario-style moustache underlining his bulbous nose, and you get an object lesson in twatdom. No wonder Northern Soul fans (and everyone else) treated the Jazz Funk fans with sneering comntempt.

I couldn't comprehend what on earth my usually sensible sister could possibly see in the pillock. In vain I pleaded with her to send him packing. My argument that his hankering for Earth Wind & Fire records and attendance at soul weekenders made him a poor choice of mate was waved away as the rantings of a callow youth. She felt my reasoning was unsound.

Reader, she married him.

He made her life miserable for a few years with his moping, moody belligerence (and playing horrendous records like these). He told her lies and generally behaved like a platinum c*nt. Then he dumped her for his mistress when my sister was four months pregnant.

It's now nearly 20 years later and I would still like to take a meat tenderizer to his face. But his most horrendous crime, worse than wiring up my granny's shower so it was electrically live, worse even than his infidelity or the awful way he treated my sister, was the fact that he actually liked the abomination known as Jazz Funk. Here is the evidence. What a bastard.

Well, I suppose I'd better tell you what's for sale, though why you would actually want to own this dreck is beyond me. It's basically music for people who have a deep-seated hatred of music and want to inflict their pain on the world. But here goes nothing.

Then there's a table containing the entire collection, neatly compiled into formats, followed by:

I mean, Shakatak for fucks sake.  What a prick. And surely he must have realised that buying anything by Shalimar would open him up to ridicule. Even those bands' mothers couldn't bear to listen to that stuff.  I know I couldn't. None of this is play graded, only visually. I just could not bring myself to dirty my stylus with this bollocks.

Boring stuff: -  I grade conservatively, particularly when I don't like the records. Don't ask me to split this lot. You buy it, you buy all of it and pay the shipping. I'm not keeping it in my house any longer than strictly neccessary. For the same reason, no returns. I don't want it back. Shipping in UK is £15 because the weight is approx 10kg . I'm willing to ship overseas at cost, but it's likely to be expensive (maybe £45 in europe) and frankly this crap isn't worth the stamps. If you want to collect from Croydon, that's OK but I will look at you with a contemptuous sneer as you stand in my doorway, proving by your purchase that you are tone deaf and tasteless.

Good luck, and God help you for liking this drivel.

[The Region Legion]

Would be nice if he knew what jazz funk was. This is all disco.

[Viero_Berlotti]

Machine - There But For The Grace of God Go I

Tis a top tune:

MACHINE - THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I

There are some pretty good singles for sale there actually.

[rudi]

Yeah, I have two other versions of that tune as well, both equally excellent.

Has there been a bad version of it done somewhere? I may have to have a poke about...

[NoSleep]

Would be nice if he knew what jazz funk was. This is all disco.

There's some jazz funk in there, too. And if the guy was a "soul weekender", then jazz funk was the generic term for any record played at such an event. It does look to be the dregs of a record collection; he's left stuff he couldn't be arsed with.

[Serge]

Level 42    World Machine    Polydor    POLH 25    1985    VG++    Ex    two copies!

I like the exclamation mark at the end, as if human depravity could get no worse.

[small_world]

Loads of good stuff in there. But that's not the point. The seller is obviously hoping the lot will go 'Viral' and attract a bit more publicity/more buyers.
Not that there's anything wrong with that at all. But I do reckon the seller if fibbing. Those tunez is his.

[23 Daves]

This looks scarily like my own brother's record collection circa 1982 - he adored stuff like this, and genuinely used to talk with great fondness about Light of the World gigs he'd been to.  I'm not going to bother to defend most jazz funk as it is almost all terrible, but there are a few non-jf records in there I might bid on if they were up for 99p or something. 

I wonder if somewhere in the pile we'll find the record they used in "Father Ted" for the cut away fantasy scenes of Ted in a discotheque or a casino?  I've always wanted that one. 

[Icehaven]

I keep reading the thread as 'My ex Brother Jude Law's shit record Collection'.

[Crabwalk]

Up to £150 already. The plan has certainly worked for this guy. Plus, there are some corkers in there anyhow. The Kid Creole 12" for starters.

[Guy]

Coincidentally, the other day I had the pleasure of overhearing a man with a very strong Indian accent pointing out that his brother-in-law was 'a fucking nob'. Something about this combination of phrase and accent I found particularly mirthsome.

[23 Daves]

The Auction has been removed!  No historical page left (as would usually be the case for a few days with ebay) or anything.  I wonder if his brother-in-law found out...

[Funcrusher]

I reckon this was a cunning ploy by NoSleep to dispose of the evidence of his own jazz-funk dalliance, but he's obviously been rumbled.

[NoSleep]

And now it's come to nought.