Witty comments to put in someone's leaving card

[weekender]

As those of you who aren't work-shy dole scum will know, there is often a custom in various workplaces that when someone leaves they get bought a card which must be filled with amusing witticisms and anecdotes.  More often than not this doesn't happen and you end up with 20 people saying "Best wishes".

Sometimes someone will cross a line, by writing a comment like "Let us know if it's any better at your new place because it's bloody awful here", which senior management don't like because they think it lowers morale despite the fact that morale is already shot in the first place.

Then there are times when someone is amazingly clever and witty - like I was today - when I paraphrased Red Dwarf and wrote "I just want you to know that, over the years, I have come to regard you as...someone...I met".

My favourite was a cantankerous old bugger who wrote in any card he was asked to sign "Happy birthday, John" which used to confuse the women going on maternity leave until he pointed out that "It'll be accurate in 9 months, won't it?".

So, tales of comments put in leaving cards please.  Alternatively just make something up that you'd like to put in a leaving card.  First one to mention the word 'flounce' in a genuine suggestion wins the thread.

[Queneau]

So long, I'll miss our tedious conversations regarding weather.

[Buelligan]

This is not goodbye.  I will still be watching you outside office hours.

[Lazy Daisy]

In congratulations on your new arrival cards one fella always writes "I'm the daddy".

[Goldentony]

'Thank Fuck Nobody Found Out We Fucked Each Other Bareback In The Staff Room Or You'd Have Gone Sooner'

[KLG-7A]

I left a job on Friday and one of the artists hand-drew me a leaving card with every member of the team on it. Awesome.

[Replies From View]

Just that lyric in the Bread theme about dealing someone a losing card.  Put that in with a "kiss" that ambiguously looks as though it may actually be the opposite of a tick.

[mook]

"i'm glad you're going - this will mean i won't have to chip in a tenner for your fucking birthday present once again."


"meh."


"you the only one in this office i've not had a crafty tug thinking about in the spaz-kharzie."

[Flouncer]

There was this horrible bullying cunt who used to work with my mum when she worked at a bank, years ago. He was always putting loads of pressure on her and was really nasty in the way he talked to her. One of her co-workers caught this bloke bullying her one day and smacked him; he threatened to go to the nearby police station but he was talked out of it. Eventually he moved on, and they had a collection and a card for him. My mum and the bloke who hit him put 2p each in the collection, and I can't quite remember what they put in the card, it was something that could be taken two different ways, like 'I hope life brings you everything you deserve', or something like that.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I LOVE YOU CUM QUEEN

[Mr Eggs]

A cock and balls with a smiley face. Drawn with spunk ( You have to use one of them special  CSI lamps to see it tho, so you have to buy them one for their leaving gift)

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

"fuck off, you cunt"

[Ambient Sheep]

If my memory still worked, I could give you loads of these.  Seen some great ones (and appalling ones) over the years.  Just can't remember them.

However the above reminds me that I did do the "1p in the collection" thing once for someone.  The woman was appalled, she said "You can't do that!!" and I said "Why can't I?" and she said "Because I won't let you."  So in the end I think I gave nothing at all.  She did sheepishly admit that she was having great trouble rustling up any amount of money at all for this person, though, and the tin (well, tupperware cake container) was looking decidedly empty...

The odd thing is, I can't even remember who it was for.  I've clearly blotted it all out, and that may not be a joke, sadly.

I've also done the "May you get everything you deserve" line, or similar, myself. :-)

[weekender]

I LOVE YOU CUM QUEEN

Works for both men and women, good one.

[Mildly Diverting]

Good luck in the new job. It'll be the same shite, you just won't know anyone.

[weekender]

However the above reminds me that I did do the "1p in the collection" thing once for someone.

Actually, I vaguely remember one person's collection that was just full of coppers in a big envelope, I think the collectee said "I think at least I've got enough to cover the cost of the card".

Also another moment where I only had a £20 note, and I said "Can I just get some change please?  £18, to be precise, they've only been here a couple of years".

I should have written "Leaving?  I didn't even realised that you'd started, so I'm keeping my money".

[Replies From View]

So in the end I think I gave nothing at all.

...

The odd thing is, I can't even remember who it was for.

Ronan Keating probably, the idea-stealing cunt.

[koeman]

Don't, for the love of God, do what I once did.

Trying to be funny, I copied what my colleague Steve[nb]I've changed the names to protect the innocent. The real names were: Rob[/nb] had written, but further up and to the left, so that it would look like he'd copied it from me. And in doing so, made us both look like idiots.

But what made it worse was that he hadn't just written something generic, he'd actually written 'To 'Julie'[nb]Bev[/nb], hope you have a super doopah birthday'. But the birthday girl's name wasn't Julie[nb]Bev[/nb]. It was actually Sharon[nb]Linzi[/nb], but she'd only just started working there, so she had borrowed one of Julie's[nb]Bev's[/nb] name badges, because the company I was working for believed it was better to have a name badge with somebody else's name on it rather than no name badge. Bunch of twats. So he'd only called her that as a little 'joke'.

Anyway, that afternoon, everybody kept coming up to us saying 'why did you both write the same thing?', and 'you do know her name's Sharon[nb]Linzi[/nb], not Julie[nb]Bev[/nb], don't you?'

I'd like to apologise now to Steve[nb]Rob[/nb] for making us look like a right pair of cunts.

[boki]

Everybody loves algebra, so why not something like

Fuck(You + Off)

?

[weekender]

Everybody loves algebra

This is why you should not be allowed to communicate with other animals.

[The Βoston Crab]

I will miss your warmth (via hot acrid breath).

[Replies From View]

I once wrote "HORSE CANDLES?" in somebody's card because we had just been working together as sound and lighting technicians in Equus, and on a previous production together the same director had thanked us both with some candles in the shape of some other arbitrary, bullshit animal.  I thought "That'll be funny.  He'll get that reference."

So I put that, and then suddenly became overwhelmed with the concern that he might think I was being rude somehow, because all the other comments were praising him to high heaven.

The problem with goodbye cards is how little space remains for you when you're the last one adding something.   I decided to put "well done" as an afterthought, but it was very obviously an afterthought because the writing was so tiny and to the side, and in brackets.  To somebody I actually really liked I had just said goodbye with the words "HORSE CANDLES?  (well done)".

The card remained backstage for a bit longer and a few people were reading it, laughing at other people's wit, going "aaah" at some heartfelt niceties, and bemusedly saying "Horse candles?!  What does it mean?  I don't get it.  A shame about that one."

And I never saw him after that, so I can only assume that he loved my little comment and dwells on it to this day to cheer himself up.

[Icehaven]

Someone left my workplace a few months ago, and we'd had a kind of running joke (I think) for a few months because she'd once asked for good films to add to her Lovefilm list, and I'd recommended a film called 'Rubber' (daft slightly experimental lark about a homicidal car tyre) and she'd absolutely hated it, and (jokily, I think) never let me forget. So in her card I wrote the fairly standard 'sorry your leaving good luck etc.' message, but added ''P.S. Sorry about Rubber'' which prompted a few questions. 

[Ginyard]

Sorry to see your arse go.

[Goldentony]

Get ta steppin' you no ass white mother fucker

[Ginyard]

Your future hasn't been written yet; no one's has. Your future is whatever you make it. Now fuck off.

[Cerys]

'Don't worry - I won't tell anyone it was you.'

[Icehaven]

You could put a few subliminal messages, ''I'm so DISGRUNTLED that you're now an EX-EMPLOYEE, but We can GO on communicating via the POSTAL system! We're all GUNNING for you, so don't feel DOWN, love your FORMER COLLEAGUES!'', then take a week off work. Might open up a few positions higher up the ladder.

[Marv Orange]

I've used 'I love you so much I can't fucking shit'[nb]
credit goes to bingo gazingo[/nb] went down a treat.

[Mr_Simnock]

'Where's that £50?'

'Don't forget the child maintenance payments start next week'

'Good Luck, and and don't worry, I'm still the only one who knows you have a dick'

'All the best, P.S there is still a ping pong ball up there from last time'

'Shame your going, Oh and don't forget I still have that polaroid of you and the Dalmatian'

'I'll miss you as much as that scrape I had to go through at the STD clinic after our one night stand'