I hate seagulls

[Blue Jam]

Here in Edinburgh it's seagull breeding season. I know mainly because of the FUCKING NOISE keeping me awake at 4am for the best part of the last two weeks- it's unreal, they seem to use Edinburgh's tenement flat blocks and terraces as urban cliff faces and it sounds like there are thousands of them out there- who knows, maybe this is actually the case, I could believe it... also because of the torn binbags which some stupid twats insist on leaving on the pavement rather than putting into our new seagull-proof bins.

I also know because I spotted this baby gull being taught to fly in the middle of a road by its Jeremy Kyle-style parent. It was getting a bit competitive dad, with the parent gull flying off and then coming back and making angry/impatient noises at its timid sprog:



Note those under-used seagull-proof bins right there in the background...

I got another reminder last night when I saw one of the cheeky fuckers' cheeky babies popping its head through my bedroom window in search of food, and realised that a fledgling has become stranded on my roof terrace and will remain there until it learns to fly. Gulls lay off feeding them to encourage them to fly back to them for a feed, but all the time they are watching from a distance and being overprotective, watching over them and divebombing anyone who ventures near their nipper. This one is still strutting about on the terrace like it owns the fucking thing, but at the same time looking too stupid to ever figure out how to work its front limbs:



This one is older than the one above- it looks small here but it's actually a big bastard, almost fully grown and probably close to being able to rip my face off. It keeps looking up mournfully every time a grown-up gull flies overhead, and making sad (but very fucking loud) cries for help, but I know it's all an act and it's really just counting down to the days when it can start divebombing innocent people and pigeons itself.

Essentially these fuckers have condemned me to being woken up at 4am, and attacked if I venture onto my own terrace- and keeping the windows closed in this hot and humid weather. I've already heard the parent gulls circling overhead and seen one unsuspecting neighbour flee back indoors when he realised the situation and what he was up against. This is like having a noisy and aggressive neighbour- they're nature's ASBO cases. Ken Livingstone called pigeons "winged rats" but he was clearly going after the wrong bird there.

Interfering with wild bird parents, their nests, eggs and young is illegal so I'll just have to wait until this dumb fucker gets its shit together, even though I know this fluffy baby bird will soon grow up to look a bit Nazi as all seagulls do, and become a strutting sadistic menace to society.

Anyone else had problems and feel like having a pointless rant/posting their urban birdwatching photos? I'd prefer a few sparrowhawks here- I'd love to see one of those taking on a baby gull and its parents.

[Beagle 2]

I FUCKING HATE SEAGULLS FOR THE SAME REASON. Literally 4am every morning they start up. This morning I thought the pouring rain would keep them in bed, but no, they're up and they're screaming their fucking disgusting ugly heads off. KAR KAR KAR AH AH AH AAAAH KAKAKAKA. Fuck you seagulls. What's your point? The terrible cacophony even penetrates earplugs. They're ugly and they stink. I hate seagulls.

Besides which I'm fifty miles inland. They shouldn't be called seagulls, they should be called "Tossers".

[onthebeach]

I got circled by a seagull. Was walking down a quiet Blackpool street when I heard the low warning call of a winged tyrant. Thought little of it at first as you never think it'll be you a seagull takes against but I crossed the street and it followed, circling nearer and nearer until I quickened my pace and it didn't pursue me. This time.

In breeding season these guys are vicious. Apparently one seaside cafe has taken to using water pistols to defend against seagulls stealing food.

[SetToStun]

I'd prefer a few sparrowhawks here- I'd love to see one of those taking on a baby gull and its parents.

You might be surprised. I saw a brilliant photo once of a gull attacking a fish eagle. Gulls do not give a fuck and would probably eat a sparrowhawk for breakfast.

Besides which I'm fifty miles inland. They shouldn't be called seagulls

They're not, technically speaking; they are gulls. Seagulls live at sea permanently and are usuallly found mid-ocean. Our gulls are entirely land-based and only go to sea to feed.

they should be called "Tossers".

I'll give you that one, though.

[Blue Jam]

You might be surprised. I saw a brilliant photo once of a gull attacking a fish eagle. Gulls do not give a fuck and would probably eat a sparrowhawk for breakfast.

This one?



or this one?



Just look at those brazen fuckers... yes, I reckon baby seagull vs sparrowhawk would be a fairly close-run thing, but a sparrowhawk vs baby seagull plus its ma and da may not stand a chance.

Watching my new neighbour this morning I couldn't help but notice that the lazy fucker isn't even trying to fly- it hasn't even spread its wings, let alone flapped them. All it's doing is strutting round the perimeter of the terrace, following the sight and sound of adult gulls on the roof opposite and crying out to them for food. It's basically the avian equivalent of this boy here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gLlBv_SrZw

Another thing I have observed is the sudden and conspicuous absence of the smaller birds who use the puddle outside my window as a birdbath. I like to watch the many robins, bluetits and sparrows which like to pop in regularly but now Nazi Youth has commandeered the terrace they're giving it a wide berth. It's reminding me of one time years ago when I tried to feed some pigeons, only for them all to part like the Red Sea when a seagull strutted in among them and took the food.

I will say one positive thing though: I have found this seagull nipper infinitely more diverting than the royal nipper. I want to give it a name and now I'm torn between George Alexander Louis and Kevin.

[Utter Shit]

Seagulls look like proper arseholes.



Hard nuts.

[Blue Jam]

Seagulls look a bit Nazi- like symbolic Nazi eagles only even more so than actual eagles, and their goose-step is even Nazier than the goose-step of actual geese.

Also this thread cannot be complete without this:

[Bingo Fury]

How did I guess that the OP would be from Edinburgh? Yes, they're such fuckers, aren't they? I used to go out with someone from Abbeyhill, where there appears to be a colony of them, and nightly at around 3am they'd start their absurd shrieking, which was about as easy to sleep through as an air raid siren. I don't know how the whole neighbourhood could restrain themselves from coming out in their pyjamas and scream back and throw things at the beasts out of sheer frustration. Also, walking a dog in the whole Abbeyhill/Holyrood area could be dicey as the fuckers would swoop down menacingly only inches from your head sometimes. Where I live now, less than a mile from there, they're merely a slight annoyance in comparison, but they're always there, flashing past the window like the "winged tyrants" (thanks, onthebeach) they most certainly are.

[Blue Jam]

Oh yes... I think we have a colony here too- the block of flats I live in kind of goes round in a square, with a garden in the middle and lots of roof terraces at different levels and lots of chimneys which they seem to like nesting in. The noise lately has been unreal, like bats in a belfry or a canyon full of pterodactyls or one of those huge battery farms full of chickens or something.

What is it about Edinburgh that attracts seagulls? It's not that near the coast and despite the rubbish bag problem I mentioned earlier it's still cleaner than every other town or city I've lived in. I've lived in Deptford, where takeaway and market stall owners would leave food waste in bags on the pavement before it was collected every evening, and I don't recall seeing vast numbers of seagulls there (rats were a problem but that's another story). I didn't hear any seagulls when I was around Borough Market at the weekend- I used to work nearby and I have seen rats and foxes round there before but no problem with gulls. Even in Edinburgh I don't see gulls circling the farmers' markets though I do see them following groups of children from the local schools when they're on their lunchbreaks, carrying food from the shops and cafes.

Are gulls just very stupid?

[SetToStun]

This one?

That's the one!

[Blue Jam]

Just do a Google image search for "gull attacks eagle", it's disturbing and having seen the results there's no fucking way I'm going onto the terrace now. I want to have a fucking barbecue on Sunday so I just hope the fucker fucking fucks off before then.

[CaledonianGonzo]

When I lived just off Easter Road they were indeed a pain in the proverbial, but like Bingo moving a mere mile or two away to the other side of the city centre has done wonders for a gull-free morning.

Ergo, the gulls are Hibs fans who wouldn't be seen dead within cawing distance of Tynecastle.

[Glebe]

I live near the sea but it's not a seaside town, as such. So when you occasionally hear seagulls you suddenly feel like you should run out and buy a stick of rock.

[checkoutgirl]

I'd love to see a seagull coming for me, I'd fucking muller it, I'd absolutely muller it. I'd beat the baby gull to death with its own mother and when the father came to investigate I'd smash him with a big stick and use his feathers to make a dreamcatcher.

No problem.

I've never seen a seagull with the nerve to approach people and if one approached me I'd make an example of it. Legal or not.

[checkoutgirl]

Watching my new neighbour this morning I couldn't help but notice that the lazy fucker isn't even trying to fly- it hasn't even spread its wings, let alone flapped them. All it's doing is strutting round the perimeter of the terrace

Kick it in the face, if the mother comes down to see what's going on just stand your ground. If it attacks you, remember you weigh 10 to 20 times what it weighs and grab it around the throat and strangle it. Snap its wings and fling it in the bin. Job done.

[boki]

These man know your pain.

[Blue Jam]

checkout girl- I'd like to barbecue it but I've read that Chicken of the Sea doesn't taste very nice and that the meat is too strongly fishy and salty for human consumption. Plus it was probably raised on a diet of leftover fried chicken and scraps from the bins. Typical of gulls- they're not even useful as food.

EDIT: Hang on... trust one of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's chums to know the answer:

http://www.rivercottage.net/users/foodiemumontheroad/blog/eating-seagull-or-kf-seagull/

[BlodwynPig]

Without seagulls, we'd all still be squatting, mental and incoherent in saline swamps

[Beagle 2]

I saw a proper cockney wanker in Brighton once buying some shellfish off a bored looking stall holder and saying things to the disinterested queue like: "I've been cahmin ere for ten years mate, this is the real deal yeah, good old briahn, ee's a blahddy propah fishmonger yeah, salt of the earth me and Briahn, the genuine article and I'm his best cahstamer, aint that right Briahn FAHKING ELL" at which point a seagull the size of Shropshire swooped down and made off with his supper. It was amazing. Nah, fair play, that seagull was alright.

[El Unicornio, mang]

They are annoying but we live by the coast. Complaining about seagulls here is like moving to the Canadian woods and complaining about bears.

[canadagoose]

It's funny, but I've never noticed seagulls being much of a pest in Edinburgh... but then again, I do live up a hill, so maybe they don't bother coming up this far. Aberdeen, on the other hand, is full of giant seagulls that like to swoop at you and steal your sandwiches. Oh, and they poo on you, too, if you're not careful.

[Space ghost]

I hate magpies.

Why are they always making that awful, coarse retching noise? what is their fucking problem?

[Blue Jam]

canadagoose- I didn't notice seagulls being a problem this time last year even though I was living in the same flat. I think these fuckers must be new to the area.

[gabrielconroy]

Seagulls do a vital job of pollinating the majority of plants in the UK, so we should just put up with the occasional sting.

[amnesiac]

I hate magpies.

Why are they always making that awful, coarse retching noise? what is their fucking problem?

you'll be delighted to know that a magpie died in my chimney last year, it was thrashing about for ages, eventually we unboarded the fireplace and it came out a much more humble bird than it had entered, I put it outside but it was properly fucked, it died later that night and I put it in the bin.

[Blue Jam]

I hate magpies.

A few weeks ago I went to work early on a Sunday morning and saw a magpie feasting on the innards of a roadkill squirrel. Until then I hadn't realised they could be carniverous but apparently the fuckers will eat anything, including the young of other birds.

I bet seagulls eat other seagulls.

[Hank_Kingsley]

I saw a proper cockney wanker in Brighton once buying some shellfish off a bored looking stall holder and saying things to the disinterested queue like: "I've been cahmin ere for ten years mate, this is the real deal yeah, good old briahn, ee's a blahddy propah fishmonger yeah, salt of the earth me and Briahn, the genuine article and I'm his best cahstamer, aint that right Briahn FAHKING ELL" at which point a seagull the size of Shropshire swooped down and made off with his supper. It was amazing. Nah, fair play, that seagull was alright.

Having lived in Brighton and a big fan of hanging out by the sea (I like a goody stony beach) I've seen many an unwary diner preyed up on by the resourceful and audacious gull. I never saw anything as beautifully poetic as a cockney wanker experiencing hubris but I did see an old woman bleed profusely from the head after a gull intercepted her fish dinner and the two became embroiled in a primeval struggle over the food.

[mook]

I bet seagulls eat other seagulls.

they eat baby ducks. that's not on - even the chinese let the buggers grow before chowing down on them.

[checkoutgirl]

I hate magpies.

Why are they always making that awful, coarse retching noise? what is their fucking problem?

Yeah, that chk chk chk type noise. Drives me up the fucking wall. Very annoying.

[Bingo Fury]

It's funny, but I've never noticed seagulls being much of a pest in Edinburgh... but then again, I do live up a hill, so maybe they don't bother coming up this far. Aberdeen, on the other hand, is full of giant seagulls that like to swoop at you and steal your sandwiches. Oh, and they poo on you, too, if you're not careful.

Oh, that reminds me. About a month ago, I was perusing the window of a new retro shop that was about to open near Pilrig Street when one of the bastards scored a point-blank massive runny green-tinged shit on my good pinstripe jacket. This is what living with pterodactyls must have been like for Moses and Noah and their chums. [nb]One for our creationist brethren there.[/nb]