Choose Your Own Whore's Adventure

[Purple Tentacle]

PAGE 1

You have travelled long through the night to reach the entrance to the mountain. In your knapsack is a loaf of bread, a flask of wine, a short sword, lubricant, a leopard skin loincloth, and an advance double copy of Nighty Night and The Mighty Boosh DVD.

At the entrance to the grand old mountain hall there is a sleeping Darrell. Piles of detritus surround his feet, including pictures of Neil Innes and a copy of TVGoHome with "pooh bum williehead" neatly written in the margins. There is a small bowl with "Mountain Toll" written on a piece of paper inside it.


If you want to place the DVD inside the bowl, turn to page 146

If you want to creep past by treading on the Innes-detritus, and heading north up the tunnel, turn to page 374

[Rats]

PAGE 374

You creep past the detrius with detritus avoiding precission to bring you square on with the tunnel entrance, towards which you proceed to creep in the hope of entering and subsequently following it's no doubt twisting path to find out to where it all leads. Your legless spider man outfit chafes at the crotch and you just can't bring yourself from repeatedly running your fingers under the hem and smelling the addictive otherworldy aroma. You treat yourself to another two finger hit of the hem before adjusting your Barry Cryer mask and lining up your compas with the tunnels entrance.
Upon reaching the tunnels entrance you realise that you've left your sword behind when you put it down next to Darrell in order to adjust your legless spidey costume. Just then, Darrell shoots out of the darkness, blade glinting, leaving you just enough time to limbo through his legs and pounce up behind him. Darrells back is still turned, will you take advantage of this advantage and advance or retreat?

Turn to page 54 to fuck him right in the back with both elbows and your top set of teeth

Turn to page 72 to hide in the shadows like some kind of wooly woofter.

[foetalgod]

PAGE 54

In a vain attempt to ignore the chafing of the rather poorly fitting spiderman costume you take advantage of darrells turned back. You quickly grab the Anolube and the Mighty Boosh DVD from your knapsack. After quickly greasing the dvd, you ram it as far up darrells ass as possible. This distracts him in sexual pleasure and gives you a little longer to ponder your options.

turn to page 36 to retrive your prized copy of the mighty boosh.
turn to page 42 to finish darrell off with your advance double copy of Nighty Night
or
turn to page 782 to leg it as fast as you can

[no_offenc]

Am I alright to edit this?

Hello?

Oh, er....

You mercilessly slaughter the darrell by blowing his head up with controversial opinions on how good Nighty Night was, flashing the DVD from your bag as you do so.

Then you put on the loincloth and strut round like a man.

Turn to page 83 if you want to stick around and clean up
or
Turn to page 4005 if you can't be arsed doing this anymore.

[Purple Tentacle]

Page 83

Confused by the unpleasent Darrell-hurting that has gone on, you bend down over his body and weep great big tears.

"It was only supposed to be a bit of throwaway fun, not a vicious attack on a controversial yet thought-provoking board member" you sob. "It's all gone horribly wrong."

You know that your loincloth has life-giving properties, and with the proper magic words you could resusitate him, and restore his cloven head, somehow. Possibly by binding it together.  However it would mean that your balls cease to be immortal.

To make ammends and tie your life-giving loincloth around Darrell's split head, turn to page 3.

To just go up the bloody tunnel, turn to page 835

[mr rou-rou]

PAGE 835

you shag him up the bloody tunnel

turn to page 13 to wipe your barber's pole on his fetid tunic
or
turn to page 50 to venture deeper into the bowels of the earth, in search of bowels perhaps

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

page 50

Unabashed by the bowels already thrown at you by various Gods, the general public and the Lesotho Women's ICe Hockey Squad, you venture on.

The walls, literally carved out of bowels make you feel like you're inside a haemmherhoid, for fuck's sake.

You continue to walk along the bowel corridor, as if that wasn't enough, and come to a junction. You decide to not turn left or right, but to sit there until you die.

Unfortunately, something drops from the ceiling and tries to kill you, ruining your plan to kill yourself.

Do you:

A:Attack the Splodge Bat until it dies, feast on it's half-vomit half-faecal half-fungal remains, and then make a collage of Lembit Opik using a spatula you nicked from a clown, charging down the corridor in a mad stupor shouting: "Shut up! Only I can speak the words!".

If so, you are mad, and turn to page 1413 of this 1350 page adventure novella.

B:Run away from the Splodge Bat before it kills you, turning right down the corridor leading to the Forest of Parsnips.

If so, turn to page 13 and shut up.

[Lt Plonker]

Page 13

You deem the Splodge Bat too much for you to handle and make haste towards the forest, clutching a stray and, indeed, 'used' copy of Nuts with you.

The Forest of Parsnips, although gleeming with an air of euthoria and child-like glee, is manned and cared for by an army of Alan Titchmarsh clones - 400, to be exact.  

One of them approaches you and asks for you assistance in filming Ground Force: The Movie. Do you:

Gladly accept the offer? Turn to page 236. Or

Attack the Titchmarsh Clone with a Cliff Richard song? Turn to page 244.

Offer your copy of Nuts to the Titchmarsh Clone? Turn to page 34.

[Jemble Fred]

Page 146

Placing both the Nighty Night and the Mighty Boosh DVDs in the bowl, the snoring Darrell wakes up, licks up both foul disks with his mighty marmite-stained tongue and crunches them into especially small smithereens. He then stirs to move.

"Y'alright?"

"Yeah, fine, mate," you reply, goatishly, "Is it okay to just, kind of, go through now?"

"Course, no worries. You're not carrying any Bo Selecta DVDs are you?"

"Fuck off!"

"Good to hear it. On you go, then."

Making your way through the portal, you move at an easy, relaxed pace and therefore have time to notice a shiny brass lift. Disturbed by the distant moaning of what your expert senses tell you is a Splodge Bat, you quickly step in, and press the button marked 'To the top of the mountain'.

And there, at the top, you see all your friends and family having a bit of a sing and a dance and drinking gin. Home at last.

THE END.

WELL DONE! But have you yet found gainful employment? If not, why not go back to the start and try your luck all over again? Go on, why not? Tell me!

[weekender]

Epilogue to page 146 death, let's call it something that appears on page 146a, down at the bottom there where no-one reads:

Do you want to read the epilogue to your story and see what happens, or do you want to fuck off in a strop because you died?  Or is there something else?

To choose 'Read the Epilogue', go to page 146

To choose 'Fuck off in a strop', go to page -7

To choose 'Read what happens in the afterlife', press the 'NumLock' button on your keypad now, and keep pressing it. The magic genie will explain the next choice.



Page 146a, there's some printing down the bottom of your page, it looks like an epilogue.  Do you want to read this?

You have two choices:

Move to page -7, which means you fuck this bollocks off.

Move to page 146, which involves you dying like you did before, and thus trapping yourself in some sort of time problem.

Move to page 76, which involves cool things like time travelling.

I started this off quite well you know, with all sorts of 'Choose Your Own Afterlife' decisions.  I got confused, this is bollocks, sorry.

[Jemble Fred]

On page 146, No one died. You're fired.

[Darrell]

I've only just noticed this thread, and I'm a bit upset at foetalgod and no_offenc's posts.

I'm an actual fucking person here, you cunts.

[weekender]

No you're not, you're just a name on the internet, and are subject to the same 'rules' of abuse that you occasionally inflict on other people sometimes.  Same way I call people cunts all the time.

To agree with me, turn to page 27.

To disagree with me, why not go off and do something worthwhile instead, like you are doing?

To engage me in discussion, press the red button now.  If you can't see a red button, press something else that's red.  Like a well-thumbed book, or something.

[no_offenc]

I've only just noticed this thread, and I'm a bit upset at foetalgod and no_offenc's posts.

I'm an actual fucking person here, you cunts.

Sorry dad, I'll be nice in the future, promise!

[Darrell]

Sorry dad, I'll be nice in the future, promise!

Don't you dare take the piss out of me, you moronic cunt. You wrote this:

As Darrell staggers around screaming to all and sundry about how great it is to get buggered with a DVD, you hastily remove the Nighty Night DVD from its packaging.  With a cry of "Oi, Kobble, you comedy nazi!", which prompts him to spin on his heels, you launch the disc at the centre of his forehead.  It lands with a sickening crunch, and you note that it's buried all the way inside his skull.  With a scream of ultimate ecstasy, Darrell collapses to the floor and smacks his head on the tunnel wall, splitting it in two.

And I have EVERY FUCKING RIGHT to be upset. I simply don't need people enthusiastically fantasising about violently murdering me on a forum I come to for light relief, OKAY?

I'm seriously considering complaining formally to Neil about all this. A line has been crossed, and I'm not going to let this drop because it's simply unfair.

[Godzilla Bankrolls]

Perhaps the offensive posts would have been OK if they were funny.

[no_offenc]

Sorry dad, I'll be nice in the future, promise!

Don't you dare take the piss out of me, you moronic cunt. You wrote this:

As Darrell staggers around screaming to all and sundry about how great it is to get buggered with a DVD, you hastily remove the Nighty Night DVD from its packaging.  With a cry of "Oi, Kobble, you comedy nazi!", which prompts him to spin on his heels, you launch the disc at the centre of his forehead.  It lands with a sickening crunch, and you note that it's buried all the way inside his skull.  With a scream of ultimate ecstasy, Darrell collapses to the floor and smacks his head on the tunnel wall, splitting it in two.

And I have EVERY FUCKING RIGHT to be upset. I simply don't need people enthusiastically fantasising about violently murdering me on a forum I come to for light relief, OKAY?

I'm seriously considering complaining formally to Neil about all this. A line has been crossed, and I'm not going to let this drop because it's simply unfair.

Of course, I have fucking dreams about it and everything.  I wouldn't give a flying one if somebody wrote the same about me on here, but I suppose that's just me, like.  If you've not noticed already, I've written an apology for it in GD because it wasn't meant to be a hostile thing, it was written in jest - people sometimes fuck things up when they're meaning to be light hearted, it's happened countless times on here as well as in the real world, take christ knows how many comedy shows, documentaries, etc etc etc etc etc - and y'know, I'm sorry if it wasn't construed as such.

But what the fuck, eh?  If you feel you have to make a formal complaint about someone you don't know and are never likely to meet because he wrote something that was nasty then go for it, if it makes you feel better.

[Purple Tentacle]

Gandhi or anyone, please could we lock/delete this thread? It's not helping Vision Mong any.

Thanks.

[skibz]

If you feel you have to make a formal complaint about someone you don't know and are never likely to meet because he wrote something that was nasty then go for it, if it makes you feel better.

Which is, of course, completely different from talking about buggering and murdering someone that

you don't know and are never likely to meet

because it makes you feel better.

[Purple Tentacle]

Gandhi or anyone, please could we lock/delete this thread? It's not helping Vision Mong any.

Thanks.

[mook]

I agree lock it. There wasn't one single fucking picture on this thread.

[no_offenc]

If you feel you have to make a formal complaint about someone you don't know and are never likely to meet because he wrote something that was nasty then go for it, if it makes you feel better.

Which is, of course, completely different from talking about buggering and murdering someone that

you don't know and are never likely to meet

because it makes you feel better.

How likely is it that I'd track him down and throw a DVD through his skull?  Not very!  It didn't make me feel better, I was just writing in the thread.  It's not as if I was saying "Right, let's look up his address then go round with an axe and a crowbar, and then I'll lop his head off with the axe and you can bugger him senseless" is it, really?

Like I said, I'm not really arsed what he does about me now, asking Neil to ban me from the board would be stupid as I've made an apology for it and there have been far worse incidents on these boards in the past that have resulted in less (aside from Dekionplexis, but that was sustained bastardry including DOS attacks and constant trolling) - however, if the apology means fuck all to Darrell then so be it.

[no_offenc]

Oh yeah, and lock it because I'm not really into arguing with people over an internet, y'know?  These things can be easily sorted out via PMs and the like, and if Darrell wants to PM me and sort it out there then I'm up for that, same with anybody else.  Ta.