ARGH! SPIDER!

[Krang]

Right o.

not an exciting thread, and for some, this wont apply, but im shit scared of house spiders. Its cold at the moment, and all those lovly spiders have taken to our houses, so come on folks, lets hear your Spider Horror Stories!

Heres mine:

I was home alone for a couple of days, so the house and kitchen were a bit messy. Whilst cleaning up and collecting the dishes to wash, i reach for a tumbler glass, only to find a huge fucking house spider sat in the bottom. I promptly lobbed it down the kitchen work top, and it rolled onto the floor (amazingly it didnt break) The spider ran out, and on closer inspection i found hed even done a little web in the bottom (i mean honestly, what was he expecting to catch?)

[Hairy Chin]

...Although I did get tooled up like Arnie in Commando to take one on a couple of months back. It was on the wall near the celing, above my head. I went downstairs, armed myself with a pair of shoes, the free newspaper and the Thompson directory that arrived earlier that day, along with a flea-spray aerosol and a lighter.

Went back upstairs, moved the bed so it coudln't land on my pillow and then proceed to scurry up my legs and into my pants. I threw the phone directory at the fucker, then the newspspaper, as I wasn't sure if the directory had hit it squarely or got at a slight angle and bounced off the wall after just squishing one of it's legs to the wall as it hung there, paper did sod all, so I resorted to my shoes, they made him fall to the floor, but I wasn't sure if he was dead or just pretending in the hope I'd leave him alone and move my bed back so he could come out and crawl all over my face in the night and scare the crap out of me when I wake up to find a spider nestling over my eyeball for a quick kip.

I just couldn't take that risk.

So I just had to set about his body with aerosol and lighter...I succeeded in scorching the carpet for a good few inches radius around the critter. But still not convinced, I had to get the shoe and squish him a few times with it to be safe. Then I had to face my horrible arachnaphobia and try to scoop the spider into the newspaper...without actually touching it. Now, I know I've thrown several objects at it, squashed it, scorched it, squashed it a bit more...but I was still weary that any moment it would have happilly jumped up onto its many legs and scuttled up my arm. So it did take me a while to talk myself into the fact it was obviously dead, then finally scoop it into the newspaper (and squash it some more just to be sure), and sling it in the bin.

Bloody spiders.

[Cerys]

Spiders are lovely.  I'm resisting the urge to post a picture showing you how lovely they are.  Instead I'll put it behind a link.  You have been warned.

Lovely big spider!

[Dirty Boy]

I swear that my grandfather was responsible for cultivating the biggest, fuck off spider i've ever seen outside of a zoo.

When i was a kid i remember having tea round at the old folks and leaving some steak which gramps told me he intended to feed to 'Boris'.Being somewhat confused i followed him to the coal bunker in the garden and watched him throw the little bits of steak into this web that was about as thick as a mattress.He shone a torch on it and i saw something move, then half of it appeared, and i swear it had a face, then the whole thing emerged and started eating the bits of meat.It was fucking GIGANTIC and would no doubt have gone on to take over the planet if it hadn't of drowned in the wall after a particularly heavy downpour some months later.Fucking horrible things...i tell ya it were 'this' big...

[Frinky]

Not my story (thank fuck):

My mate Leanne lives in Wales (this will explain much of what follows) and her house is currently undergoing some extension work; as such, they have a form of makshift bathroom attached to thier garage/outside of house. She gets spiders in there, fucking huge ones - she's sending me pictures soon - all the time. And woodlice, etc. She's found families of spiders under her flannel, living in the shower spout, drain, etc. Soap covered in web, all sorts of horrors. However, the worst one was that the other day, she was showering for about 5 minuites, when she noticed a worm..... CRAWLING ON THE CEILING (Jesus Fucking Christ). Being as she is, she was trasnfixed with fear, until this gravity-defying  worm fell from the celing, onto the shower door handle, so she didn't dare move it. It finally fell onto the shower floor, whereupon she jumped out, and let it drown with extreme prejudice.

So not only in Wales do you have the horrors of outside bathrooms, but also Super Worms that can scale fucking walls, which is the most terryifying thing ever. I'm normally not so lame about such stuff - in fact I love spiders - but this tale has traumatised me beyond all comprehension.


Urgh.

[Gazeuse]

You're all a bunch of girls...Apart from Cerys.

If you see what I mean.

[djtrees]

when i used to live with mater and pater(who incidentally was shit scared of spiders-the puff...oh no hold on) we had and they still have a hilarious/slighty sad disabled bloke living nextdoor named ken
now ken used to live with his mother until she died leaving ken in the capable hands of home help types and anyone else he could pester
it should also be mentioned that ken was a forty year old hairy brickshit house of a man....anyway one day he ran into our front garden and banged on our front door shouting "tony tony..theres a spider in the bath, and its bigger than me!!!" which made me laugh erm thats it really


oh the same bloke also knocked himself out with a hoover

[Martian Martian]

Spiders are great. They eat flies. And steak, if some people are to be believed.

Leave 'em alone.

I'm fighting a losing battle on the home front for the hearts and minds of my two boys, who are daily being encouraged by my wife to exterminate anything with eight legs. It's a bit depressing to find their little squashed corpses all over the house. Perhaps divorce is the answer!

[big dogs cock]

This was years ago, but my mother got some shopping home years ago and saw a big grey tropical looking thing crawl out of the groceries. It had eaten through some raw liver in the bag, and was generally extremely 'ard looking. it promptly lumbered off and disappeared. about a week later my extremely arachnaphobic sister drew the curtains and hey presto there the fucker was hanging like a bat. She got the milkman to kick it out (with the immortal words, 'no i've never been scared of sp..JESUS CHRIST'), and a couple of weeks after that it was in the local paper that there had been an outbreak of the fuckers all over Accrington. (which is where we lived) Crap story, but i'm bored.

I'm fucking terrified of spiders, they're so mechanical looking, clearly alien spying equipment if you ask me.

[sproggy]

Don't like them at all, no siree.

There was a whore on here some time ago who had a good spider story, I think it was while they were in South America somewhere, I can't remember who it was but it was fucking terrifying.

[big dogs cock]

oh the same bloke also knocked himself out with a hoover

:-D all day about that!!

[Hairy Chin]

Spiders are lovely.  I'm resisting the urge to post a picture showing you how lovely they are.  Instead I'll put it behind a link.  You have been warned.

Lovely big spider!

I think as far as being predators, they're superbly engineered critters - they've got shitloads going for them in the predatory department: They're fairly big compared to the majority of insects we have in this country, stealth, speed, the fact they can move as easily up walls and across the celing as they can move on the ground, and also the fact they look fucking terrifying!


I have a begrudging respect for them - they are the daddy of the creepy crawlies, but I honesty can't stand the fucking sight of them! The eight beady eyes with huge hairy fronty-mouth things that start with a letter 'p', hiding their fangs, the sheer number of legs - far too many, the shape of them, the unpredictability - everything about them just creeps me the fuck out and makes my skin crawl. Thankyou for respecting my big-girl scarediness, and that of Krang at least) by putting that behind a link!

Also, Dirty Boy:
In my garden shed, there was a dirty great fuck off house-spider called Boris too. Ours was nemed after The Who track, I'm guessing your Boris was too?

[Frinky]

'No i've never been scared of sp..JESUS CHRIST"

Honestly the funniest thing I have ever, ever, ever read.

Does anyone remember that ace story that a whore (who I don't remember, my apologies) who lived with a turantula, in order to keep thier abode free of other nasties? And how it all turned ugly one night? That was a class read.

Edit, damn you Sproglette.

[Krang]

I was taking a bath once, and due to my body mass, had cause some of the water to trickle into the overflow. I was washing my hair, and dunked my head back to wash out the shampoo, only to lift my head, open my eyes, to see a spider who had run out of the overflow, and was just having a rest by my foot.

I shat myself, as i stood up, the wave caught the spider and it fell into the tub, about 0.001 seconds later, i was stood outside the door.... brrrrrrrrrr

[Krang]

There was a whore on here some time ago who had a good spider story, I think it was while they were in South America somewhere, I can't remember who it was but it was fucking terrifying.

Was that the one about having a drunken wank and realising the security spider was on the side of the netting.

[Frinky]

I think so, yeah. Oh, how I wish it hadn't been deleted!

[Hairy Chin]

I was in a garden centre with my dad once, when I was younger. I must've brushed past some plants or something, but as we got outside, felt this crawling thing in my hair, I went to scratch my head and remove whatever it was - I pulled my hand down to see if it was some twig or something, and I'd got myself a rather red garden spider in my hand - it wasn't all that bi, but the sheer surprise and fright of having this spider on my hand, i violently shook my hand to be rid of it - fucker flew to one side into a pond and was eaten up by a very large goldfish.

[Frinky]

Doing my paper rounds when I was young and lame, I frequently got spider webs in my face. The worst thing is when a spider is in your hair and keeps trying to lay down new web accross your face and you can't for the life of you get it out. It doesn't bother me too much... Spiders I'm ok.

I found a millipede in my bed once. Jesus Christ, that gave me the shittings.

[Krang]

I had a similar experience, i had to sleep in the spare room one night, and as i settled my head on the pillow i felt something run down my face and neck. I excused it as an itch, had a little scratch etc...

2 seconds later i felt the same thing on my back, i reached back to scratch, and felt my hand hit something, all its googly legs rolled up. I shat myself, and slept elsewhere.

[Dirty Boy]

Does anyone remember who posted that story about some guy riding his moped and having a massive spider run across the inside of the visor?*shivers*.That's one of the worst things i've ever read.

Also, Dirty Boy:
In my garden shed, there was a dirty great fuck off house-spider called Boris too. Ours was nemed after The Who track, I'm guessing your Boris was too?

*holds up hands*

You're right, i stole that story from your memory.I only wanted to be loved *sniff*

[Krang]

Dirty Boy, i think that story was based around The Huntsman Spider (from Australia)

There used to be a gallery of one hiding behind a clock on someones wall (dont have link, if anyone does id love to have it)



If that ran across inside my visor....

[Cerys]

Tsk!  At least mine was behind a link!  Now go and hide behind the sofa and think about what you've done, young man!

[sproggy]

There was a whore on here some time ago who had a good spider story, I think it was while they were in South America somewhere, I can't remember who it was but it was fucking terrifying.

Was that the one about having a drunken wank and realising the security spider was on the side of the netting.

I think so, yeah. Oh, how I wish it hadn't been deleted!

That's the one, I think it turned nasty and the guy swiped it across the room and it shattered into pieces against the wall.

Did anyone catch Peter Andre doing his last challenge on 'I'm a celeb....'  The guy was truly shitting himself in that tank of spiders, top marks to him, that took some guts.

[Krang]

but they could well be under the sofa!

Not applicable to spiders, but one morning i went to let the chickens out of their house, and as i lifted the piece of wood that covers the little door, a fucking rat ran out right under my hand. a fucking RAT!

[butnut]

To take this topic on a bit of a tangent - I'd just like to take this chance to help raise the plight of the poor stag beetle.

Please read this interesting website and do your bit to help the big bastards

Where ever I seem to live, there always seem to be stag beetles near by - which is quite impressive, as they're an endangered species. They lived in my parent's garden, and one landed on my head once, which scared the shit out me! And last year I saw one, happy as you like, walking down the pavement in Putney High Street! I managed to brush it into a side street, in a vague attempt to save some cunt from stepping on it.

Anyway, if you do see stag beetles, I think you're meant to report it. Here's a nice picture:

[Martian Martian]

and one landed on my head once

A parachute drop by the World Wildlife Fund?

[butnut]

A parachute drop by the World Wildlife Fund?

Ha ha!

No, they can fly, but they virtually no control over where they are going. I think they only live for a few days as adults, and so they have 48 hours to get a shag. (This after spending something like 7 years as a larva in a piece of rotting wood)

[Cerys]

I don't have a garden, otherwise I'd be scampering out there creating the perfect beetle domicile.  Pah.

[butnut]

I don't have a garden, otherwise I'd be scampering out there creating the perfect beetle domicile.  Pah.

Me too. I don't think there much I can do for them on the second floor. I could try leaving some rotting wood on the roof, and hope a pregnant female beetle lands there. It seems unlikely.

All I can do, is watch out for them, and try and stop people treading on them. (It says on that website that they're attracted to pavements!?!?!)

[Krang]

Why not let them live inside with you. Although with only a few days to have a shag, your house might end up looking like a college house party.

the Beetle version of American Pie. (cant think of a pun)

edit : oooo Stag Night!