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Just Happened: |
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6th December |
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Briefly Significant glances exchanged at Pentagon meeting as official suggests that if no one was left in Afghanistan, it wouldn't need governing at all... "Burqa a fundamental denial of womens' rights" shouts London actress as she is fucked up the arse on camera by her drug dealing pimp for new BBC series on womens' bums... |
NEWS |
Chief aim of war is now to "avenge death of George Harrison" - BlairThe Prime Minister Tony Blair today broadcast the following statement on the death of George Harrison. 'George Harrison was a lovely lovely Beatle. 'He hated any kind of war but I know that if he were alive this afternoon he would have unreservedly backed military strikes against the Taliban followed up by further action led by British special forces against Al Qaeda terrorists hiding in fifty other countries. 'Harrison was a man of peace. And in his last dying moments this
curious Beatle who constantly searched for enlightenment, must have
attained the one absolute certainty : there is no need whatsoever
for an inquiry into the death of up to 400 Taliban prisoners in
the 'Yes, there will be times when we find the whole business of war difficult. 'But at times like those, let's never forget songs like 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' and 'Taxman'. Make no mistake... 'George Harrison must be avenged by we , a weeping country, stirred to anger and swift to absolutely furious.
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A Foreign Office official said: "John will appeal both to the conservative Pashtun south - who prefer men to wear beards - as well as to the northern tribes who like music". The Americans gave their approval when the Prime Minister explained to President Bush that Peel is regarded in his native country as a 'British Tom Hanks.' Peel will be expected to repair Afghanistan's shattered infrastructure, restore relations with Iran and Uzbekistan, unify the volatile stand-off between rival factions in the Southwest, and continue with his radio 4 series Home Truths on Saturday mornings. Mr Blair said the disc jockey will be installed as Afghanistan's new President at a swearing-in ceremony tomorrow - against his wishes if necessary.
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WTC fatalities "lower than first thought"...It is now thought that the number of people who perished in the world trade centre attacks on 11th September may be as low as three. Original estimates of 6,000 were probably much larger due to an unprecedented "fuck me" factor, say psychologists. Counselors are on standby as New Yorkers face the trauma of discovering they've been more upset than they needed to be. On hearing the news Mayor Guliani said " I feel rather stupid" and locked himself in his house. The mayor already faces criticism over his proposal to keep Ground Zero shrouded in smoke after the dust cleared briefly last week and revealed that the South Tower was still standing. President Bush said this evening "these new figures make no difference to anything - three dead is still three too many - as Saddam Hussein is about to find out"
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Attempted follow-up attacks reveal bin laden has acute "second album" trouble...According to FBI sources, attempts by Al Qaeda to follow up the attacks of 11th September 11th september reveal that the terrorists are terrified they will never better the demolition of the World Trade Centre in New York. An attempt last week by terrorists to hurl 100,000 paper darts into the Chicago Seers tower was easily thwarted - partly because the attack was carried out by just one man. He is believed to have thrown about seven darts out of a window of a nearby skyscraper before being arrested without a struggle. Similar plots in Washington and Los Angeles were also foiled although one operative did successfully execute a plan to hurl a lobster at Chevvy Chase.
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Kabul house documents: did Al Qaeda mastermind the Heisel stadium disaster?...Sheaves of terrorist plans left by retreating Taliban in Kabul reveal that the network of Arab terrorists were almost certainly behind a string of atrocities including the Heisel stadium disaster in 1986. A biro drawing of a squashed football with a brick on top of it reveals that the muslim extremists had planned every detail of the horrifying crush of spectators - believed at the time to be the work of hooligans. Other tools of terror were shown to a blindfold journalist from the National Enquirer. These included a system of levers which were almost certainly a set of deadly controls for all major volcanoes and tectonic faultlines on earth. Other journalists were shown "a tidal wave in a suitcase" big enough to destroy the US eastern seaboard. A whitehouse spokesman said "there is no limit to the evil of these apocalyptic savages - we have no reason to doubt that they conceived their children to recordings of screaming passengers in the Lockerbie aircrash"
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compensation latest...A New York banker who's car was hit by a man jumping out of the
burning North tower of the World Trade Centre is suing the dead
man's estate for not curling up into a neat ball and minimizing
the damage.
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Blair
persuades Bonn conference that John Peel should be new Afghan President
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Other News ...barrister who nailed clerk to judge "effectively blew his
case" court ...Your death would please us all says pope to David Owen. ...Residents' fury as council detonate popular four inch cliff .' ...Sick builder vomits purple eight foot hinge |