Verbwhores Big Brother

[TJ]

In the style of 21 Words/Christmas Panto, write your own Big Brother script featuring the following randomly selected Verbwhores:


Almost Yearly
Jemble Fred
Frinky
Weekender
Cambrian Times
Partridge's Love Child
Domestic Goddess
Banana Woofwoof
Squirrel
TraceyQ

[Neville Chamberlain]

8:23 am, and Partridge's Love Child has just yawned, scratched his arse, and popped something small, white, and dangly into his mouth.

[Jemble Fred]

BIG TJ: Can Jemble Fred come to the diary room, please?

(He does so)

JF: Big TJ, I just wanted to take this opportunity to beg everyone out there to vote me out at the very first opportunity. I don't even know how I got here – I just passed out and here I am. If I'd been asked, I would have murdered in cold blood whoever suggested this career move to me, I fucking despise Reality TV with every fibre of my being. So if you leave me in here, I'll just get more and more pompous and disapproving, and will refuse to have anything to do with any tasks.

On the other hand, it does give me the opportunity to show my wonderful penis off to the whole country. It's your call, Britain.

[TJ]

10:53 am. Jemble, Frinky and Woofwoof are in bed. Tracey and Weekender are in the jacuzzi. The others are in the seating area.

[SurferGhost]

Weekender
Cambrian Times

Heh, randomly-chosen my arse, I sense some BB-style behind-the-scenes manipulation for maximum viewing figures there.

[El Unicornio, mang]

From The Sun:

"Things were getting a bit steamy in the Big Brother house this morning when hunky Ghostbusters/DeLorean obsessive Frinky accidentally walked into the bathroom where busty beauty TraceyQ was busy soaping herself down. The bubbly Brummie scorcher certainly got smooth-talking ladies man Frinky, 25, no fixed abode, hot under the collar with her risque double entendres. But things got even racier when wise-cracking fop Partridge's Love Child staggered in clutching a bottle of Champers and proceeded to spray his frothy load all over the pair of them. "Story of my life", the cheeky London sort quipped before falling in the jacuzzi"

[Cerys]

4:44pm, and Partridge's Love Child has just entered the living area wearing a silky grey coat.

PLC: God, I'm bored.
Frinky: Is that a double entendre?
PLC: Fuck off.
Frinky: Just asking.
TraceyQ: New coat?
PLC: Yup.  I feel it emphasises my boyish good looks, big lips and stylish satchel.
TraceyQ: Oh.  Right.  It looks very silky.
PLC: You got that right, bebeh ... want to touch it?
Frinky: Is it real fur?
PLC: Of course!  Home strangled and everything.

[Pause]

Squirrel: You will pay.

[Partridge's Love Child]

Can I sue The Sun for calling me a "London sort"?  And I don't like champagne.

PLC: God, I'm bored.
Frinky: Is that a double entendre?
PLC: Fuck off.

That's disturbingly like me when I'm grumpy.

[Daaaaaaan]

Friday, February 3rd..10.28pm in the Big Brother house...

Utter Shit: The IT Crowd would have just finished...I wonder if it was any good?

ELW10: It was rubbish, I can just tell. There's something in the air.

[SurferGhost]

Saturday, February 4th - 10.00am in the Big Brother House, and the Housemates gather in the dining area to discuss yesterday's shock revelation that Squirrel is a mole.

11.43am: weekender is polite to Cambrian Times.

12.20pm: Frinky has a nervous breakdown after news is leaked into the house that John Bonham, Keith Moon and John Entwistle have all been found alive and well on a tropical island having faked their deaths for tax purposes, and have agreed to reform Led Zeppelin and The Who's classic lineups for a one-off gig in London's Hyde Park this afternoon, on the sole proviso that no-one ever broadcasts or bootlegs it.

2.03pm: weekender continues to be polite to Cambrian Times.

2.15pm: Partridge's Love Child enters the Diary Room.
BB: "What can Big Brother do for you, PLC?"
PLC: "I miss my bicycle."
BB: "Big Brother is very sorry to hear that, PLC."
PLC: "Hm. Any chance I could have a copy of The Stage sent in? It's not technically a newspaper."
BB: "Big Brother will have to get back to you about that, PLC."
PLC: "And some strawberry lip balm."
BB: "Big Brother will get back to you about The Stage and the lip balm. Thank you, PLC."
PLC: "It has to be strawberry, mind."
BB: "Thank you PLC."
PLC: "Thank you Big Brother."

3.40pm: weekender continues to be polite to Cambrian Times.

5.30pm: In the seating area, a bored TraceyQ adjusts her crown whilst distractedly balancing a beermat on her belly.
TQ: "Fucking Hell, I passed up on a Royal Visit to Swaziland for this load of bollocks."

7.00pm: weekender continues to be polite to Cambrian Times.

8.27pm: Jemble Fred refuses to put his trousers on, declaring that "It is the God-given right of every well-bred Englishman to display his family jewels on live television if he sees fit", leading to English Heritage declaring his genitalia a National Treasure, which in turn obliges TraceyQ to slap a preservation order on them. Jemble then retires to bed in agony.

9.02pm: weekender makes a cup of tea for Cambrian Times, and offers to give her a foot rub.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

VIEWER: I've heard of all the others, but who the fucks this "Squirrel"?  What's that?  Ah! Big Brother have put a non-Verbwhore in this year!

[The Search Nazi]

click

[Derek Trucks]

UPDATE FROM THE CLIQUE BROTHER HOUSE:

The housemates got a surprise on Saturday when the doorbell rang and a familar tune was heard.....



Yes, it's Slim'll Fix It!

The next day the housemates had their dreams fulfilled, except the person who asked for a copy of Saturday Night Fry [/huge, massive winky!].

[Cerys]

15:09 in the Big Brother House, and Squirrel is capering gleefully around a barbecue pit wherein an unimpressed Partridge's Love Child lies trussed and basted.

Squirrel:  And a little bit of paprika, chopped red onion, red wine ... this is going to be great!  Thanks, Slim!
domestic goddess: You can't do that!  That's monstrous!  Poor PLC!
PLC: Mmmphrd
Squirrel: Shut it, satchel-boy.
domestic goddess: Squirrel, please, stop this!
Squirrel: But wait - could it be that you care about this human?  There'll be enough for everyone, you know!
domestic goddess: That isn't the point.  What are you thinking?!  Everyone knows that thespians go much better with garlic, white wine and basil!

[SurferGhost]

It's ten minutes earlier in The Big Brother House, and slim hears The Housemates' desires:

SLIM: Now then now then you see, tell your Uncle Slimmy what is your heart's desire...
PLC: I've told you, I want a bicycle.
ALMOST YEARLY: I want Rats. Not dot.
WEEKENDER: I want to carry on being nice to Cambrian Times.
CAMBRIAN TIMES: I want him to leave me alone, and I want to meet Leigh Francis like Channel Four promised.
JEMBLE FRED: What do I want ? Why, I want a country free from television reality shows like this one, where decent Englishmen can gather together in like-minded congress, a country of quiet Sunday afternoons, of tiffin on the lawn, of sportsmanly conduct on the cricket field, where gentlemanly fair play is not frowned upon by the witless rabble, but no, rather it is celebrated as the very epitome of Englishness to which all right-thinking folk up and down the land should aspire, O England, England, that las-  
BANANA WOOFWOOF (interrupting): Yeah, I'll have one of those as well, but just for The Irish.
DOMESTICGODDESS: I want my own daily fifteen-minute cookery spot on tv, and I want qki as Johnny to my Fanny.
SQUIRREL: I want PLC to stop pinching my nuts. And I also want him to pay, obviously. Even though I've forgotten quite what for, to be honest.
PLC: I still want a bicycle.
SYD BARRETT: I've got a bike. You can ride it if you like.
FRINKY: I want to kill you all.
TRACEYQ: I want some new jesters, this lot are a load of crap.

[TotalNightmare]

fuck this,

im off to watch

Im a Verbwhore, get me out of here!

[Jemble Fred]

JF: Um, Big TJ, it appears to be Monday and I'm still in The House. What's going on? I want out! I'm a bit worried about what people might be saying out there, you know? People who don't even know me spreading horrible lies and suchlike. I need to get out so I can sue/hit them.

Surely I must be the equivalent of Jodie Marsh in here? I'm vapid and busty and am being horribly bullied*. Isn't that enough?

*Isn't it scary the stuff you pick up without even watching one minute of Big Brother?

[Catalogue Trousers]

MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE: Ha ha, that's the trouble with reality television, you see, it sucks you in! Ha ha ha!

CT: DIEDIEDIEYOUBORINGBASTARD!!!!!!!

(machine-guns Brigstocke, jumps up and down on his still-twitching corpse, then goes off in a sulk to watch The Basil Brush Show)

[Cambrian Times]

I'm just wondering how I ended up in here, despite the fact I haven't been posting on regular basis.

Oh and bugger Leigh Francis....give me Ecclesquee over him any day.

Hmmmm....Christopher.

<thinks of that scene in "Dalek">

Yum.

[Jemble Fred]

Shouldn't there have been a VW Poll to evict the first (nudge nudge) housemate by now?

[TJ]

Verbwhores Big Brother House, this is Davina. You are live in Up Your Arts, please do swear. The first housemate to leave the Verbwhores Big Brother house is... mayer.

[Jemble Fred]

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And them's exclamation marks there, to mark my exclamation. Fuck.

If anyone wants me I'll be in the jacuzzi. Growling.

[SurferGhost]

mayer, having been completely unaware he was even in the Big Brother House in the first place, seeing as he wasn't even on the list of Housemates on page one of the thread, sneaks in through the Diary Room on his way out.

Big Brother: "Hello mayer."
mayer: "Hello Big Brother."
BB: "How do you feel about being the first evictee mayer, even though you weren't even on the original list of Housemates even, which makes a nonsense of the original premise of this whole thread, frankly?"
mayer (shrugs): "Maybe I've been too outspoken, some people just don't like to hear the truth I suppose. I don't care. Does this mean I have to go and talk to Davina ?"
BB: "Yes mayer, Big Brother would like you to go and talk to Davina about your time in the Big Brother Thread."
mayer: "I think I'll just use the opportunity to speak up about the Middle East situation. It's not going to just go away y'know, viewers."
BB: "Thank you mayer, Emergency Lalla Ward Ten and alan strang are waiting for you outside."
mayer: "Oooooooooooo, i'm dead scared"

Cut to Christopher Eccleston, waiting outside the front door.
CE: "Is it time to go in yet ? I'm really looking forward to going in and I really want to see what I can bring to the thread."
The door opens and CE enters the House.
CE: "Hiya everybody!"
Cambrian Times faints into weekender's strong yet tender arms. Christopher Eccleston grins and looks around the room for a moment or two.
CE: "Right, well, I'm off then. Sorry, but the workload's more than I was expecting and I don't want to get typecast. Seeya!"
The door opens and CE exits the House.
Cut to David Tennant, waiting outside. Wearing a kilt.
DT: "I've wanted to do this for years!"

[slim]

Disgusted verbwhore: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ALL WATCH THIS. IT'S FOR THE PROLES. IT'S SHIT! WAKE UP! THE MAN HAS YOU!

[time passes]

Uncle slim: Now then, now then, I've got enough neckbeard for all of you to have a stroke. Anyone seen my mother? Perhaps she's over there. Who wants a special slimmy sack?

[Lee]

Richard Madely: OK Weekender, you've got 60 seconds, and for each thing we correctly guess we'll give you £20 to spend on shopping. Understand?
Weekender: Fuck off.
Richard: OK, and your time starts now.
[picture of Cambiran Times]
Weekender: Oh, she's quite nice. Very polite.
Richard: Um... Camilla Parker Bowles?

etc.

[Jemble Fred]

If Eccleston had stuck around, I'd be happy to stay. As it is, please vote, people.

[slim]

I texted 89003 - Jemfred.

[Jemble Fred]

I thank you. I have two wives and some children who may notice that I've gone unless I get back soon.

[TraceyQ]

Right, that's it, I've had enough. No one has made any effort to make me a cup of tea without me having to ask in the last twenty minutes. I suggest Big TJ sorts this sham of an operation out immediatley or I am fucking walking.

[Frinky]

17:59PM: Frinky is asleep, and smiling.