Jokes you've come up with, all by yourself and everything

[ColaCoca]

A fellow came up to me the other day and when "Hit me with your rhythm stick you four eyed cunt"
and I thought "well, that's just adding insult to Ian Dury".

Bravo! That's funny as fuck

[Pseudopath]

Me and a mate came up with:

Have you heard Roy Castle Unplugged?
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Although it would obviously have been better if said-trumpeter had spent several weeks on life support...and if Roy Castle had been the right kind of musician to do an MTV album.

[Des Nilsen]

Once, long, long ago:

- What's red, wet, and comes out bit by bit?

- A baby in an aerosol can.

That dragged me out of a melancholic slump. Bless you, Cerys. It's definately a keeper. ;)

-

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Was I the first person to identify that "Medication" rather than "Dedication" was what Roy Castle actually needed?

(Thanks for reminding me of my far better gag, Pseudopath).

[Charles Charlie Charles]

Mine, the day after 9/11

Why are Americans so good at reading?
Because they go through stories in seconds.

If you heard it from any other fundamentalist Muslims stand-ups then I can assure you they are FUCKING LIARS! Peace be upon them.

[Pseudopath]

Why are Americans so good at reading?
Because they go through stories in seconds.

But that's just a reworked version of the Conor Clapton joke, surely? Unless you never heard the original.

[Charles Charlie Charles]

Pseudopath

Sorry, I haven't. How does it go. I don't even know who Conor Clapton is. Googled quickly and it's Eric Claptout's son.
Still don't know the joke though.  I'm guessing it's:
Why is Conor Clapton such a good reader, etc.?

Genuinely interested, Slough.

[Pseudopath]

Genuinely interested, Slough.

For completeness' sake:

Why was Eric Clapton's son such a good reader?
He could do 48 stories in three seconds.

Something like that anyway. There was another one knocking around at the time which went:

What was the first thing Eric Clapton did after writing Tears in Heaven?
Opened the window and told his son to get some fresh air.

Enough already.

[Charles Charlie Charles]

Ah, I get it now! I honestly don't remember 1991(though I graduated from Uni in that year), or Clapton's son's death and have never heard those jokes.
But...
Mine's funnier - and I feel like a cunt for defending why a joke should be funny - because I said "they go through stories in seconds." Which is what they did. The Conor joke goes "he could do 48 stories in seconds," which isn't  correct. It works, but there's a looseness to the language involved.
Fuck, sorry mate. I sound like a pompous prick.

My Mother-in Law's so fat, etc, etc.

[Pseudopath]

Mine's funnier.

Agreed, wholeheartedly.

Fuck, sorry mate. I sound like a pompous prick

Not at all. There's nothing wrong with deconstructing comedy - that's the Cook'd and Bomb'd way!

I'm sure that Conor Clapton joke originally had a better punchline, which may explain why it no longer hangs together very well. A bit like his Conor himself. Ah well...

Although I'd argue that any joke starting "Why are Americans good at reading?" requires a massive suspension of disbelief on the part of the listener. Heh heh!

[Charles Charlie Charles]

Heh-heh! Yep.

We called it "the willing suspension of disbelief" when I studied these things.

I feel a bit bad deconstructing comedy away from the CC forum, but the GD forum is always a much better place to hang out.

Funnier, ironically.

[Pseudopath]

Funnier, ironically.

Ain't that the truth.

[George]

- What's red, wet, and comes out bit by bit?

- A baby in an aerosol can.

Ah yes. Dead baby jokes, the horriblest one I ever did hear was:


What's pink, wrinkly and squeels?

A peeled baby in a barrel of brine.


(Cub Scouts, Circa 1985)

[Morrisfan82]

This is probably more in the style of Unrequited Wit, but people laughed, so it doesn't qualify.

We were sat in the pub the other day, talking about Cornish pasties, which then got steered onto talking about Cornish people.

My mate Brett: Thing is though, the Cornish are all inbred!

Me (patronising): No Brett, they're in pastry.

[Pseudopath]

My mate Brett: Thing is though, the Cornish are all inbred!

Whenever anyone says that around me, I always reply "What?! The Liverpool-based sitcom?" or burst into a refrain of "Buy it! Sell it! The game's getting 'ard", which usually provokes acts of extreme violence.

[hencole]

An old classic from my surealist phase at junior school.

Why did the elephant fly across the road?

Because it couldn't swim.

[butnut]

I thought of the 'hilarious' 'Peter File' joke years before Morris used it in BES.

[Gavin]

Why are Americans so good at reading?
Because they go through stories in seconds.

But that's just a reworked version of the Conor Clapton joke, surely? Unless you never heard the original.

My friend maintains that she was in New York when Conor died and that Eric said on the news, "he was only a young boy, but he made a huge impact."

[Cerys]

Once, long, long ago:

- What's red, wet, and comes out bit by bit?

- A baby in an aerosol can.

That dragged me out of a melancholic slump. Bless you, Cerys. It's definately a keeper. ;)

-

Yay!  Vindicated :)

I've just remembered another one that I came up with many, many years ago, but I think I'll quit while I'm ahead.

[Jemble Fred]

"What's pink and cries?"

"A baby?"

"No. What's pink and cries?"

"Erm... a sad pig?"

"NO! What's pink and cries?"

"I don't know, what's pink and cries?"

"YOU TELL ME WHAT'S PINK AND CRIES!"

"Oh god... a prawn in deep financial arrears?"

"NO!! WHAT IS PINK AND CRIES????"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!"

And so on.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

My friend maintains that she was in New York when Conor died and that Eric said on the news, "he was only a young boy, but he made a huge impact."

Eric Clapton (or your friend) wins!

[Charles Charlie Charles]

Jemble

I have an image of an increasingly angry/bullying boyfriend shouting at an increasingly desperate/frightened girlfriend:

"YOU TELL ME WHAT'S PINK AND CRIES!"

"Oh god... a prawn in deep financial arrears?"

It's the "Oh god" bit that made me laugh.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Q What's black and white and red all over?

A A domino with a grazed knee.

I was five, fuck off.

Jokes when you're five do seem to be more surreal and imaginitive than anything even Noel Fielding could come up with on a good day.

Case in point:

What did the big ice cream cone say to the little ice cream cone?

- 'Fuck off'

I only know of that one through stories, but apparently I was five or six at the time. It is possible the humour derives from a small infant swearing, but I like to think it is a satire on the standard 'food talking' whimsy joke, incorporating an important message for us all about bullying those smaller than us. Five!

Why did the pizza cross the road?

- Because it wanted to make a circle in the road

Four.

[SweetRosalyn]

I remember my little sister utterly unable to grasp the concept of jokes and coming up with ones along the lines of "Why did the man cross the road?" "Because there was a nice shop on the other side and he wanted to buy something."

Only joke I remember inventing as a kid was "What kind of course do burglars take?" "An assault course!" which I even sent off to the Beano, and was most disappointed when they didn't publish it.  Course, it didn't even made sense, really.  Burglars don't generally assault people.  But, yeah, I was 5, or thereabouts.

[Xerxes & Friends]

My neice, aged 8:

Q: How does an aeroplane fly?
A: It sucks its eyeballs.

If you don't think that's funny, you can't be my friend.

I also independantly came up with the old "Ever noticed how there's just the ONE Monopolies Commission?" gag before I heard it anywhere else.  I think it was a VLS line?

[sick as a pike]

Why did Dickie Davies shout at his daughter?  

Because she shat in the fish pond.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Q: Why do black men wear baggy trousers?
A: Because they're negroes.

[falafel]

Just reading my blog from Glastonbury last year, and I found this bit at the end much funnier than most stuff I say - although it's not actually a joke:

I don't care if your clockwork housemartins are made by Indonesian fasting monks who live in enormous wicker houses and smoke dried jellyfish. They're still shite.

[Ciarán2]

I remember my little sister utterly unable to grasp the concept of jokes and coming up with ones along the lines of "Why did the man cross the road?" "Because there was a nice shop on the other side and he wanted to buy something."

Ah, I used to do that. I used to say "Why could the pigeon not do up his coat? I don't know, because he didn't have fingers probably! Or a coat!" sound like something Rick Gervais would come up with now. "Oh I don't know, MAYBE because he wasn't A RACIST? Yeah?"

I came up with rude jokes to play a trick on my nephew who's 6. I'd say:

"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney"

He'd say "You're too young to be smoking!"

Then I'd say "What did the big horse jockey say to the little horse jockey?"

And he'd say "You're too young to be ridin'!"

At which point I'd tell him off for using dirty language.

(That was how to fuck a kid up, lesson #451)...

[The Man With Brass Eyes]

When I was about 12 I came up with the following:

"How many Ds in Match of the Day?"

A bemused parent would count.... "one...."  "one".

Then you'd sing the Match of the Day theme tune: "Du du duhh duh duh duhh duh-duhh-du du du duhh..."

Priceless.