Author Topic: Motherisms  (Read 3534 times)

23 Daves

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Motherisms
« on: August 08, 2006, 08:58:54 PM »
Some chatter on the "bleakest conversation" thread inspired this one...

Are there any irritating or unusual stock phrases or observations that your mother (probably over the age of fifty and slightly out of touch with the modern world) makes?  

As I've said over on the other thread, my mother loves making critical observations of two lovers kissing on rubbish ITV dramas.  "Slurp! Slurp! Slurp!" she says, tutting afterwards.  "They eat each other.  It doesn't work that way in real life".  So far I've steered clear of asking her how exactly she kisses.

My mother has also invented a musical genre that I've never heard quoted in any other music magazine or critical journal anywhere.  Anything that's a little bit awkward or grating is referred to as "Weirdy Weirdy".  From experience, I think The Aphex Twin, Earl Brutus, XTC's "The Big Express", Joy Division and The Crazy World of Arthur Brown have all been included in the "Weirdy Weirdy" genre at some point or other, so it's a widely embracing one.  I must remember to write to the NME to suggest it as a movement.

Then of course there's the rubbish-at-arguing stand-by: "Well, when you get to my age you'll realise things don't work that way" which I think one comedian has already highlighted as being the worst counter-argument ever....

Any more?

Motherisms
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2006, 09:05:59 PM »
Your mother kisses OK enough.

I see my mother at christmas and she tries to force feed me; her cooking is fantastic, but she doesn't give me credit that I can sustain myself for the other 11.5 months of the year.

the midnight watch baboon

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Motherisms
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2006, 09:06:40 PM »
My mater spent many an hour insisting I turn down 'that hippety-hop music', just like the fat black lady in The Ladykillers. I am pleased to report that I didn't concoct any dastardly schemes with a disparate gaggle of fools to murder her.

Dark Sky

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Re: Motherisms
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2006, 09:10:42 PM »
Well I've said a few in the other thread but really there's too many to list with my mum...  

One I'm particularly fond of is when she's talking about healthy eating and about how my dad (sadly now departed from this world*) always had two different portions of vegetables with each meal which would tend to consist of animal sourced protein.

"He just really liked his meat and two veg," she says, whilst the eyes of the person she's talking to slowly glaze over.

I haven't dared explain to her what she's saying there.

*he's dead, not an astronaut or nuffink

Motherisms
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2006, 09:23:44 PM »
When I came home from school one day with my mate and his copy of Antichrist Superstar - which at the time, was hot shit at our school (scoff away) - and we started playing it loudly in my room, my mum came in, took one look at the CD case and went "Well, it's better than Madonna." Ever since then, no amount of obscene, blasphemous music can offend her - as long as it's not Madonna. I played Tupac's Hit 'Em Up in the car with her, and when a BMW bastard cut her up, she actually used the word 'motherfucker' towards him. Definite prove, then, that rap music can make even the most mild-mannered of people aggressive.

Boing

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Motherisms
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2006, 09:34:20 PM »
My mother doesn't say that much these days.Not since I spaded her Alzheimers raddled head in and buried her in a ditch.

Motherisms
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2006, 09:35:45 PM »
How rude!

Motherisms
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2006, 09:59:18 PM »
My mother likes to use the word 'humping', which she thinks only means lifting/moving stuff around. On a couple of occasions this has yielded a weary "we've been humping all day."

Motherisms
« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2006, 10:04:34 PM »
Heh, as a geordie, I can happily use the term "humping" for its innocent use and also the filthier meaning infront of my mam.

Motherisms
« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2006, 10:12:02 PM »
My Mum says I shouldn't go to VerbWhore meets in case I meet any wierd people.

Motherisms
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2006, 10:21:43 PM »
At my Nan's 80th last month I was tickled pink when my unusually plastered Ma pulled me aside and whispered in my ear:

'I think you'll be okay with this music thing though.  You've got real talent on the guitar.'

Relief, I thought, we've moved a step further from her usual conservative stance.  Then, pulling me a little closer...

'You can't fucking sing though'.

Motherisms
« Reply #11 on: August 08, 2006, 10:47:18 PM »
Quote from: "Boing"
My mother doesn't say that much these days.Not since I spaded her Alzheimers raddled head in and buried her in a ditch.

Striiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike 2, shurely?

I like this troll-baiting.

Motherisms
« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2006, 10:49:05 PM »
How do we get strikes again? I missed that meeting.

Why I Hate Tables

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Motherisms
« Reply #13 on: August 08, 2006, 10:50:41 PM »
Troll baiting should be a new sport.

Take Boing,put him in a building with overpriced seats, and make him chase a sentence that actually makes sense around and around in hope he can catch it and use it.

Now THAT is entertainment.

Little Hoover

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Motherisms
« Reply #14 on: August 08, 2006, 10:53:27 PM »
Quote from: "Gazeuse"
My Mum says I shouldn't go to VerbWhore meets in case I meet any wierd people.

Your point being?

I'd pick you up on your misspeling of weird, but I have terrible spelling and punctuation too.

Motherisms
« Reply #15 on: August 09, 2006, 10:11:17 AM »
Quote from: "Little Hoover"
Quote from: "Gazeuse"
My Mum says I shouldn't go to VerbWhore meets in case I meet any wierd people.

Your point being?

I'd pick you up on your misspeling of weird, but I have terrible spelling and punctuation too.


Look, don't have a go at me...I had to have a big pencil at school.

Why I Hate Tables

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Motherisms
« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2006, 10:25:37 AM »
Quote
I had to have a big pencil at school.


You're not alone.
I'd like to comment on my nan's strangeness now.

Here's a couple of recent highlights.

"He's 95, but he's all there with his cough drops"

"Yesterday I took Emily (who's 4) to Liverpool on the bus so we could go to Ford cemetery and see the family graves. And she wanted to go to the beach!"

"This weather's getting more and more stupid everyday"

"I saw Mabel on telly last night. Maybe she got arrested for hitting a policewoman again"
(Mabel's 80, and that's true,she did hit a police woman while drunk. It WAS 40 years ago though,to be fair.)

Little Hoover

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Re: Motherisms
« Reply #17 on: August 09, 2006, 10:29:53 AM »
Quote from: "23 Daves"


Then of course there's the rubbish-at-arguing stand-by: "Well, when you get to my age you'll realise things don't work that way" which I think one comedian has already highlighted as being the worst counter-argument ever....

Any more?


Reminds me of Nick Hancock talking about arguing with his mum who would say "Oh well, I'll be dead soon"

Motherisms
« Reply #18 on: August 09, 2006, 10:31:38 AM »
My mum offered me some 'femme fatale' out of the fridge the other day...took me several minutes to realise she meant 'falafel'. My mum often gets her words mixed up in remarkably original fashion.

Re: Motherisms
« Reply #19 on: August 09, 2006, 11:09:33 AM »
Quote from: "23 Daves"
Then of course there's the rubbish-at-arguing stand-by: "Well, when you get to my age you'll realise things don't work that way" which I think one comedian has already highlighted as being the worst counter-argument ever....

Worst as in "most annoying and undisprovable", or worst as in "probably right"?

Because don't forget, unlike comedians, mums are always right.

I remember how frustrated and angry I used to be that my mum didn't want to indulge in my philosophical debates, as she said she didn't really have time in her life to ponder such ponderances, and then she'd get distracted by a cat in the garden. That's exactly how I feel now when dipping into the Thought For The Day thread.

Feel for the fatherless. It's bad enough turning slowly into your father, but I'm turning into my mother.

Kazuo Kiriyama

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Motherisms
« Reply #20 on: August 09, 2006, 11:16:24 AM »
My mum once referred to internet porn as "all those willy sites".

Motherisms
« Reply #21 on: August 09, 2006, 12:00:49 PM »
Despite being 25, my mother still slaps me across the back of the head should I say even the mildest swear word in earshot of her.
"You're not so big that I can't hit you," she'll say, as I'm a foot taller then her.
Her other line is regarding the chances of me providing her with grandchildren. When I say I don't want kids, she'll comeback with the line: "Well, when you meet someone you love, you'll think different."
I still don't understand that one.

Motherisms
« Reply #22 on: August 09, 2006, 12:04:24 PM »
I daren't utter the mildest of swear words in front of my Mum and I'm 44.

She's given up on the grandchildren though (From me anyway!!!)

Caroline

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Motherisms
« Reply #23 on: August 09, 2006, 12:09:13 PM »
My mother taught me to swear.

The one 'motherism'  I still don't understand is, whenever I lift anything heavy in front of her, she'll shriek 'Oh God, put that down, you'll never have children!".

It would make more sense if the potential threat was injuring my back, or getting a hernia or something, but heavy lifting as a cause of infertility? It's not something I've heard of before..

SetToStun

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Motherisms
« Reply #24 on: August 09, 2006, 12:11:10 PM »
My lovely old mum, whenever there's football on the telly:

"Oh, look at that - what a load of fuss about nothing. Why don't they just run up the other end and kick the ball into the net? That'd sort it out."

Motherisms
« Reply #25 on: August 09, 2006, 12:22:49 PM »
Quote from: "Kazuo Kiriyama"
My mum once referred to internet porn as "all those willy sites".


Oh fuck! That reminds me of the time years ago (honestly), when I hastily left a crusty tissue underneath the valance of my bed and my mum found it whilst we were both in the room, I think I was preparing to leave home.

She said, and I quote, "Is this one of your spunk tissues?".

I didn't know whether to laugh or die, so I kind of combined the two.

Motherisms
« Reply #26 on: August 09, 2006, 01:05:59 PM »
haha, nice ones!

Quote from: "Caroline"

The one 'motherism'  I still don't understand is, whenever I lift anything heavy in front of her, she'll shriek 'Oh God, put that down, you'll never have children!".


I've heard this once from a woman who said 'it damages your womb'. I don't think there's any truth in it, though.

Little Hoover

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Motherisms
« Reply #27 on: August 09, 2006, 02:09:56 PM »
My mum actually got used to swearing and will do it occasionaly now.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Motherisms
« Reply #28 on: August 09, 2006, 02:24:27 PM »
When my mum wants to find something she asks my Dad, my Dad tells her, she still can't find it and my Dad has to get up and get it for her ten seconds later. This happens at least once every day.

Motherisms
« Reply #29 on: August 09, 2006, 02:31:56 PM »
My mum uses the word spunk like it was the 60's.  She's often criticised me for not having enough spunk.