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Motherisms

Started by 23 Daves, August 08, 2006, 08:58:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

QuoteShe's often criticised me for not having enough spunk

*Thousands of amusing replies*

Dark Sky

My mum can't remember my birthday.  When I was at Uni she once phoned up and arranged a driving test for me on my nineteenth birthday on the grounds that she thought that that was my sister's birthday.  I failed that test, too.

She also can't remember my name.  She's speaking to me and she calls me by my dad's name, by her brother's name, and usually by my sister's name.  

Then again, she also speaks to herself and tells herself off.  And I've heard her do that and get confused and call herself by my sister's name.



For Christmas last year I wanted a remote control Dalek.  But I didn't get one, so I kept dropping strong hints that I wanted one for my birthday.  Hints as in, "for my birthday I want a remote control Dalek".  And I would mention this quite regularly in the run up to my birthday, and then I stopped, 'cause it's rude to say directly what you want for your birthday.
And then a week before my birthday she said, "What do you want for your birthday?"  
And that annoyed me because I'd already "hinted" at what I wanted a million and one times before, so I refused to answer and tried to give her clues as to what it was.
"I wanted one for Christmas remember...." I said, hintingly.
"Oh I remember!" she cried out.  "You want an iPod, don't you!"

I don't even know what an iPod is, let alone whether I want one or not.

"No!  No!  Cummon...think about it...it's remote controlled..."
"Oh I remember!" she cried out again.  "You want a remote control post office!"

Jemble Fred

"You kids behave yourself, there's a Policeman over there."

"How do you know he's a Policeman?"

"...He's blowing a whistle."

Jemble Fred's Mum, circa 1985.

(He wasn't, even.)

Dark Sky

That just reminded me of one comment made when I was twelve.  TWELVE.

"Look, Nicky, there's a train!  It's a form of communication."

hencole

Not wishing to be rude, but does your Mum have some kind of mental retardation.

Cack Hen

That train comment is the words of a brilliant genius.


My mum once bragged to me that she was getting some action. I think she just temporarily lost her mind and forgot who she was talking to, but it was awkward.

Almost Yearly

Quote from: "The Culture Bunker"When I say I don't want kids, she'll comeback with the line: "Well, when you meet someone you love, you'll think different."
I still don't understand that one.
No, but you will. ;)


Quote from: "Cack Hen"That train comment is the words of a brilliant genius.
Why?

Quote from: "Shoulders?-Stomach!"
QuoteShe's often criticised me for not having enough spunk
*Thousands of amusing replies*
Hehe- oh.

El Unicornio, mang

My Nana (RIP) used to come out with some good ones:

On hearing my cousin was dating a black girl (keeping in mind my nana was from North Shields)
"Well that's nothing, I dated a man from South Shields!"

On hearing about the family arguing about money left in a will:
"They're like a pack of vouchers!"

And angrily throwing her hearing aid away:
"I can't hear a thing with that in my ear!"

Gazeuse

Quote from: "Almost Yearly"
Quote from: "The Culture Bunker"When I say I don't want kids, she'll comeback with the line: "Well, when you meet someone you love, you'll think different."
I still don't understand that one.
No, but you will. ;)

Not necessarily.

You sound like my mother.

Ha...Here's a funny thing. My Nan (And most of the older ladies I know/knew) can not pronounce 'Waitrose' properly.

Sheldon Finklestein

Quote from: "The Unicorn"On hearing my cousin was dating a black girl (keeping in mind my nana was from North Shields)
"Well that's nothing, I dated a man from South Shields!"
That has to be one of the single loveliest things I've ever read.

Cack Hen

Quote from: "Almost Yearly"Why?
.

Well I like to think she was making an abstract point, or just being a comical genius.

She could just be thick.

jennifer

Quote from: "Little Hoover"My mum actually got used to swearing and will do it occasionaly now.

Mine's caught my potty-mouthism and swears 'properly' once in a blue moon, but she still requires a little run up before the word comes out.

"I mean, you know, all I've asked him to do is iron his shirts for (DEEP BREATH) fuck's sake"

It's one of my favourite things about her.

23 Daves

My mother used to get angry with me when I made her say the word "fuck" as a teenager.  I realise that sentence makes little sense by itself, so I'll give you a script:

MOTHER: "What have you done with the dog food you were supposed to put away?"
ME (sulking, whining as usual): "I haven't done anything with it, have I?"
MOTHER: "Well, what do you mean?  You fed her last night.  You were the last one to have it out".
ME: "Yeah, well, I put it back, didn't I?"
MOTHER: "Put it back where?"
ME (getting more agitated, unhelpful and unreasonable): "Well, in the place where it belongs!"
MOTHER (getting angry): "Well, that's the cupboard under the sink.  And I've been to the cupboard under the sink, and it's not... it's not... fff... it's not ffucking well... oh, that's it, I'm really angry now. You made me say that word.  And I hate saying that word".

I'd normally scarper at that point and sulk in my bedroom.  The F word meant bad news.  It meant I had pushed her to the maximum limits of her patience.

Garam

I was just in the kitchen doing my antagonistic teenager schtick, and then my mother just came out with "Right, I'm off to Jamaica to have sex with black men. They'll love me." It was inspired by some Jamaican guys on Richard and Judy. I'm sure if I stuck around to watch the show that sentence would have made some sort of sense, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.

My mum says, "Your bum's a plum and your head's a marrow".  No idea what she means but it makes me happy.

It's one of the only sentences she could get through without swearing.  She'd belt us for swearing but would belt us with the words, "Stop your fucking swearing, you little fucker!"  And she called my dad "cuntybollocks" strangely affectionately.

Dark Sky

Quote from: "hencole"Not wishing to be rude, but does your Mum have some kind of mental retardation.

I think she just takes after my gran.  But I'll save her for a different thread.

Other good lines said by my mum...

"Right, remind me that after lunch I need to have sex with the tomatoes."

Why I Hate Tables

Quote"Right, remind me that after lunch I need to have sex with the tomatoes."

Either you're making that up or your mum's the funniest person in the universe.

Or possibly you are,but she still is.

petula dusty

When I found out my 14 year old daughter had been having 'inappropriate conversations' on MSN I said (amongst other things) 'Can't you find anything better to talk about? Why can't you take up a nice hobby like joining the St John's Ambulance Brigade?'

I couldn't believe the words were coming from my mouth but I couldn't help it. I'm not a prude but nobody's taking liberties with my daughter. Parenting a teenager is a complete nightmare.

My mum on the phone to me the other week (bear in mind I'm pregnant or it will make even less sense):

'I was watching Heartbeat the other day and there was this man who was rustling sheep and his wife caught toxoplasmosis off his overalls and she had a miscarriage. So you think on when you're changing the cat litter.'

When I was younger if she'd been asked where she'd been the reply was always 'Off me head and back again to see how far it is'

Oh and she does the 'calling you by everyone else's name before she gets it right' thing as well. It must be a mum thing because I do it as well.

Garam

Quote from: "petula dusty"Oh and she does the 'calling you by everyone else's name before she gets it right' thing as well. It must be a mum thing because I do it as well.

My mum once accidentally called me 'Soya', our dog's name. I mean, I could understand it if it was a male people name like Henry or Frank or Pete, but Soya?

Dark Sky

Quote from: "Why I Hate Tables"Either you're making that up or your mum's the funniest person in the universe.

I'm not making it up.  She'd read that the reason her tomatoes weren't sprouting fruit was because they weren't being stimulated enough, and so the best way to encourage them to have babies is to tickle them in their tickly bits.  Hence her announcement at the dinner table...

And to be honest, she's scary more than she's funny.

Quote from: "petula dusty"Oh and she does the 'calling you by everyone else's name before she gets it right' thing as well. It must be a mum thing because I do it as well.

Oh really?!  Do you do it every single time though over a ten year period?

petula dusty

Quote from: "Dark Sky"
Quote from: "petula dusty"Oh and she does the 'calling you by everyone else's name before she gets it right' thing as well. It must be a mum thing because I do it as well.

Oh really?!  Do you do it every single time though over a ten year period?

No, I can't say it happens every time probably just when I'm distracted or tired. I do it with the cat's names as well.

Your mum sounds brilliant anyway!

Almost Yearly

B-b-but ... trains are a form of communication, aren't they?


My mate's dad, when my mate was whingeing about being 'starving', used to say "If you were that hungry, you'd eat a book." Mind you my mate's 57, so that would no doubt hark back to times of proper hardship and aspirations.

Captain Crunch

My Mum has some intensely irritating sayings.  Ask her the time and without fail she will always say "half-past push-cart".  Ask her what's for dinner and again without fail she will say "horse manure and aniseed".

I worry about my Mum sometimes.  Last year she went on holiday with 30 or so 'disaffected' (that's black to those of you who don't work for a local council) teenagers.  She was supposed to be chaperoning them but ended up clubbing with them until four in the morning and then going back to the hotel to toke up on a biffa.  I think for some people, the 'been there done that' mentality morphs into a more 'up for anything' attitude with very little perception of risk.  I could be wrong but my Mum has no concept of rough areas or shady characters, she bats it all away with phrases like "oh it was far worse in the 60's".

Then there's my Dad.  I used think the reason why I'm a bit fucked in the head was from doing acid in the 90's but now I'm more inclined to think my Dad is to blame (handy huh?).  When we were little he used to tell us how the world was really just a giant pawn in a game of intergalactic alien chess so every action or reaction was entirely inconsequential.   He was always questioning reality too - "how do you know you've lost your ball, how do you know it was ever real in the first place?" and so on.  But he could make a car out of a cotton reel and a match stick so it wasn't all bad.  Oh and once he shot a cat out of the landing window, even to this day I feel strangely comforted when I see a man with a gun.

Every year for Christmas he asks for a mug with TWAT written on it.  He never gets it, my Mum would only 'drop' it.

Borboski

My stupid fucking mother told my dad, I'm told by Mrs B who spoke to her, that I'm getting married.  I'm 26 and haven't spoken to him for 10 years, and it really isn't a big deal other than that I'd really rather not be bothered by it, now I have visions of the cunt turning up at my fucking wedding, what a silly twat my mother is, oh what a burden families are!

Dark Sky

Quote from: "Almost Yearly"B-b-but ... trains are a form of communication, aren't they?

Well...surely they're primarily used for urr...transportation?

Anyway, I was twelve when she told me this.  I'd been on many train rides.  I don't understand why half way through dinner in a hotel diner she had to look out of the window and make this grand announcement.

Borboski you belong in the depressing thread.

Dark Sky

Oh no!  This thread is vanishing!  Quick!

My mum after I admitted to her that I fancy males despite the fact that I am also male:

"Oh.  I see.  Are you a paedophile?"

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Quote from: "petula dusty"Parenting a teenager is a complete nightmare.

Quote from: "petula dusty"When I was younger if she'd been asked where she'd been the reply was always 'Off me head and back again to see how far it is'.

Do you wonder where she gets it from? (Not your mum).

zozman

Quote from: "petula dusty"When I found out my 14 year old daughter had been having 'inappropriate conversations' on MSN

Yeah, sorry about that Petula

gazzyk1ns

I was watching the athletics earlier and was reminded of this conversation I had with my mum a couple of years ago:

My mum: Who holds the 400m world record, then?

Me: Michael Johnson.

My mum: Heh, but seriously, who does?

Me: Michael Johnson!

My mum: ...Yeah but really, I can't remember his name...

Me: Well you might be thinking of Butch Reynolds, or Lee Evans, they both held it for ages.

My mum: No, his name is... oh... I thought you meant Michael Jackson.

Suttonpubcrawl

Quote from: "MonkeyDrummer"My mum uses the word spunk like it was the 60's.  She's often criticised me for not having enough spunk.

My mum does something similar, except instead of saying spunk she says jizz, and uses it to mean energy. It can be awful sometimes, she'll say things like "I need to get some jizz in me". She also likes to watch Big Brother's Big Mouth and since Russell Brand has been constantly going on about his dinkle and his ball bags, she's been frequently using those words too, almost as if she doesn't know what they mean.