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Motherisms

Started by 23 Daves, August 08, 2006, 08:58:54 PM

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Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Quote from: "Suttonpubcrawl"
My mum does something similar, except instead of saying spunk she says jizz, and uses it to mean energy. It can be awful sometimes, she'll say things like "I need to get some jizz in me". She also likes to watch Big Brother's Big Mouth and since Russell Brand has been constantly going on about his dinkle and his ball bags, she's been frequently using those words too, almost as if she doesn't know what they mean.

She does know what they mean; she's just trying to get you back for all those times she caught you wanking.

Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer

My mum subscribes to one of the ultimate cliches of mothers: obsessively watching Midsomer Murders and going, "Oh, yes, now I think that's Bishop Shortford, we were going to buy a house there but your father didn't like the look of the neighbours. Now that looks like the post office at Watton-on-Stone, or is it Cuddington? Cuddington is where your great uncle was born, but he was...(thirty second pause)...they moved to Shrewsbury during the War..." If I watch Inspector Morse, I do exactly the same thing of being the Locations Bore, though I don't have the same encyclopaedic knowledge of our family history.

She once suggested that I should either become a lawyer or a priest, because I could defend my corner in an argument, but could also be contentiously amoral for the hell of it. Since I'm not studying Law, it looks like the Seminary beckons.

Purple Tentacle

My mum on the phone last night, talking about my nan's increasing use of profanity due to dementia.

"It's not right hearing your own mother say 'orgasm'"

At the point the universe imploded due to paradoxical irony.

gazzyk1ns

My mum: Can you write a letter for [elderly person she cares for sometimes], a company keeps sending her offers and things through the post, and she wants it to stop. Say she's going into long-term care or something so they delete her address.

Me: Well I'll pretend to be her son and say she's dead, that should stop them.

My mum: No, it has to actually come from her, that's the only way they'll stop, if she writes to them herself.

Me: Well they'd probably stop if she really did die, and I wrote them exactly the same letter.

My mum: Mmmm,  maybe...

Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer

When I 'went to Rome,' I remember my Mum sighing, "I can't believe your father. When I married him he seemd quite rational, but now he wants to paedophiles into the house." At which point, my Dad shouted through from the kitchen, "They're not all paedophiles, Caroline! Now come on..."

Mister Cairo

My mum seems to think those podcast things that the media are obsessed with are IPods.

Free IPod at the end of every news bulletin! What a great idea.

Sorry to resurrect the thread, but my mum's finally said something worty of inclusion. Describing her 'least favourite' sitcom:

Mum: You know, there's two bald lawyers in a flat, they come in and make wisecracks at each other. And there's an old man in a chair.
Me: What?
Mum: One of those dreadful American ones. It's their dad, in a chair, it's his special chair, and that's the main joke of the whole thing. Oh, and there's a girl who's supposed to be English, she's meant to be a bit of a babe but is actually just really irritating.
Me: Are these 'lawyers' psychotherapists?
Mum: Yes.

This is the first step into her actually becoming my grandma, who once was keeping us amused and guessing when she tried to describe 'Red Dwarf', having never seen it, at ninety, and using words of less than one syllable. The presence of Chris Barrie had apparently confused her into thinking it was a kind of Brittas Empire set in space. The stupid old bitch.

Jemble Fred

Aw.

Here's an unfunny one from my maternal parent: "You know you can always come home."

Yes, yes, of course I can. 28 and washed up. That'd be a laugh, Mum.

Ambient Sheep

Yeah, you have to wait until you're 41 for that.