Torchwood Series 1

[samadriel]

Hurray!

[mothman]

Owen Harper's a rapist, he's a big fat rapist,
He's the biggest rapist in the whole wide world,
He's a stupid rapist, if there ever was a rapist,
He's a rapist of all the boys and girls. . .

[TotalNightmare]

Drop Your Fucking Pen, Chris Chibnall
You're A Piss Poor Fucking Writer, Chris Chibnall
You don't plot or script of think things through
You just do what RTD tells you to

Please stop writing telly, Chris Chibnall
Torchwood's fucking awful, Chris Chibnall
The plots don't work or try to make sense
and the characters are fucking dense

FARTS

FARTS

LAUGHING

FARTS

Chibnall
Chibnall
ChibnallChibnallChibnall
Chibnall
Chibnall
Chibnall

Why is Torchwood so s*****c, Chris Chibnall
I fear for Doctor Who now, Chris Chibnall
Should you be thanked, that Torchwood tanked?
or Russell T Davies is it U? R A Big Arse...

Chris Chibnall!!!!
(suck my balls)

[Seymour Clufley]

I've decided to go for a more low-key, understated tone of verse. I also demand that this poem is read whilst wearing really bland clothes and staring intently at a computer screen that says the word "DANGER" on it.

Our TV?
RTD.

Our TV?
Yes, RTD.

Fart.

[Sheldon Finklestein]

In the creative spirit, here's a non-South Park themed poem about Torchwood:

I wince at the mention of Torchwood
For wankers, it is a portmanteau
The cockney, the yankee, the japanese one
That creepy, Welsh butler called Ianto...
Not one can elicit our sympathies
And show where the whole programme's heart is
The writers, in striving to spoil Doctor Who
Might just as well piss on the TARDIS
When I see the title, I feel my heart sink
And I still can't decipher that name
The 'wood' part refers to the acting, I think
And 'Torch', Who fans burning with shame
What promised so much, delivered no good
The Cybermen it has degraded
If ever a Dalek arrives at Torchwood
Let's hope they're all exterminated

[mothman]

I hereby dub Sheldon our pervert laureate!

[Sheldon Finklestein]

You're too kind. You know, sometimes you're bored on a train...

[Alberon]

Meant to be grown-up
Adult and gritty and cool
In fact childish shite

Russell writes his show
Busy with gay agenda
Forgets plots and sense

Chibnall is a hack
Die die die die die die die
You useless shithead

Okay, maybe running out of Haikus with that last one.

[Still Not George]

Woman leaves dumb guy
People run around a lot
We all curse Davies

My haiku muse sings
Inflamed by horrid series
Made by fat gay cunt

Cannot explain why
Captain Jack is cool, and yet
Torchwood is so shit

In essence Torchwood
Is a prime example of
Surface over depth

Now I rest happy
Knowing that I will never
Watch this crap again

[Bert Thung]

[Alberon]

He's spot on. Thing is with Charlie Brooker is that he is a Doctor Who fan so he should be.

Even on the OG forums there's quite a bit of complaint about Torchwood. The show is a ratings sucess so I doubt it'll be seriously overhauled before the second series.

Picked up one of the spin-off novels from Tesco last night (well it was only £3.73), so I'll see if it is an improvement on the actual series.

[mothman]

Ho ho. . . on a Star Trek forum I read, someone just inadvertently misquoted RTD's claim that Torchwood would be a cross between The X-Files and This Life - by saying he intended it to be a cross between The X-Files and THAT'S Life! Which is a) utterly hilarious, and b) a much closer description of the achieved end result.

[gatchamandave]

Ho ho. . . on a Star Trek forum I read, someone just inadvertently misquoted RTD's claim that Torchwood would be a cross between The X-Files and This Life - by saying he intended it to be a cross between The X-Files and THAT'S Life! Which is a) utterly hilarious, and b) a much closer description of the achieved end result.

...and  we  were  sent  this  rather  unsual  alien  by  Mr  Bentoss  of  Cheltenham...you'll  see  it  looks  rather  ryood...



So  we  decided  to  phone  British  Gas.

The  young  man  on  the  end  of  the  phone  sounded  rather  confused

"  I'm  sorry -  this  has  got  nothing  to do with  us..."

Cyril...