A "sticky" situation...

[Neville Chamberlain]

Dear Aubrey,

I understand you are a busy man, but I do hope you can take some time to consider my story.

I am currently being pursued by a flame-haired, buxom strumpet by the name of Eliza. She is a most gorgeous lady, luscious of lip, rosy of cheek, wholesome of leg, and she openly delights in the attentions and crude hecklings of gentlemen and common labourers on the streets. However, I am finding her behaviour increasingly lascivious and unladylike, a conclusion I reached last night when I took her for a drink at my local literary salon. All was going well as I regaled her with stories of my travels through the colonies when I noticed with astonishment that she was removing her undergarments. At once, she fixed me with a hard stare and placed my hand with great force 'pon her ladyparts away from the gaze of our fellow drinkers. Naturally, I was taken aback by her shockingly lewd and bawdy comportment but, to my abhorrence, I found that I was positively unable to resist her dubious charms. At length, I experienced a curious yet oddly pleasurable pounding sensation in my unmentionables. Eliza then took my other hand and placed it gently 'pon her bosom, again, away from the view of the gentlemen and ladyfolk around us, and proceeded to use my hand as a means of massaging her chestal region. This pounding sensation, this most intoxicating commotion in my underpants, was becoming too much to bear. Indeed, my unspeakables had become agitated to such a degree that Eliza, keen of eye, at once noticed this curious swelling in the vicinity of my indescribables and did place her hand thereon. As I prayed as vigorously as possible to The Almighty in order that he might forgive my most un-Christian submission to these crude and most fearful lustings, I reached a point of climax which, to my astonishment, was accompanied by a gloopy slew of what appeared to be a thick, white jam with strangely adhesive properties.

So, my question to you, Aubrey, is thus: what cleaning agent would you recommend in order that I might remove said substance from my undergarments?

May the Lord be with you.

Ferdinand Clott

[Aubrey Barkus]

No, no! Don't clean them.
As Mayor Giuliani of New York said, if you leave one broken window unmended and unpunished it's a signal to others that crime will be tolerated.  Your sad case is similar.  Use the power of shame!  Nail up the soiled articles on the door of your church, like Martin Luther in Wittenburg!  (Obviously he used a treatise, not semen stained underwear but the principal is similar).  Tell the world what this strumpet has done and show them the result! She must be stopped!


Alternatively, there are cleaning hints on this 'web page', JackinQ&A http://www.jackinworld.com/qa/qasem.html