Author Topic: Dear Audrey  (Read 4141 times)

SurferGhost

  • Spitting unconvincingly and wearing an ill-fitting leather jacket
Dear Audrey
« on: November 07, 2006, 06:28:52 PM »
I for one very much appreciate your taking the time to answer our problems, as it can't be easy living in Weatherfield running that Salon and keeping that saucy little moustachioed minx Maria out of trouble, not to mention the recent loss of Fred Elliott and all the trouble you have with Your Gail and That David.  I'd also like to thank Dev from the corner shop for filling in for you recently.

Anyway, as the above paragraph clearly illustrates, I have lost my Mojo, and am suffering from Posting Dysfunction.  Unlike many men, my posting drive has always been quite low, and once or twice a week has always been more than enough to satisfy my needs, and those of my Wife. Not for me the twenty-a-day frequent abuse of a Purple Tentacle or a butnut, I have always been moderate in my habits. Although I would like to add I've never had any complaints, either!

However, my Wife and I have now noticed that I am suffering a distinct lack of enthusiasm and/or results 'in the forum department', and I wondered if you had any suggestions to spice up our posting.


Do you think that role-play is the answer, Audrey?



EDIT: A fellow poster of your acquaintance has provided me with this photo graph of you which I believe shows you to be male.



This of course in no way stops you from being whoever plays Audrey from out of Coronation Street in my opinion, but I might be wrong, in which case I do apologise for my mistake, but perhaps it will go some way to illustrate the severity of my problem. I hope you can still help.

Aubrey Barkus

  • Moderator
  • *****
Re: Dear Audrey
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2006, 06:57:44 PM »
Quote from: "SurferGhost"
I for one very much appreciate your taking the time to answer our problems, as it can't be easy living in Weatherfield running that Salon and keeping that saucy little moustachioed minx Maria out of trouble, not to mention the recent loss of Fred Elliott and all the trouble you have with Your Gail and That David.  I'd also like to thank Dev from the corner shop for filling in for you recently.

Anyway, as the above paragraph clearly illustrates, I have lost my Mojo, and am suffering from Posting Dysfunction.  Unlike many men, my posting drive has always been quite low, and once or twice a week has always been more than enough to satisfy my needs, and those of my Wife. Not for me the twenty-a-day frequent abuse of a Purple Tentacle or a butnut, I have always been moderate in my habits. Although I would like to add I've never had any complaints, either!

However, my Wife and I have now noticed that I am suffering a distinct lack of enthusiasm and/or results 'in the forum department', and I wondered if you had any suggestions to spice up our posting.

Do you think that role-play is the answer, Audrey?



You need to exercise your posting muscles again.  I've just come up with a new technique.  Now, you don't necessarily want to engage too quickly in the current debate, so why not reply to a random old post?
Here's what you do.  Think of a word at random.  I thought of "serum."   Now do a search for posts containing that word.  I got a few results, closed my eyes, scrolled up and down for a bit then wherever my cursor was resting that was the post for me!  Take care not to look at the context of the post mind, we don't want to make it too easy!
So:
Quote from: "Pinball"
Not only am I pissed from a serum ethanol level perspective, but also at the world, man ;-)

Right.

...Er.

Well obviously it's not going to work every time!  Here's what I got with 'insipid.'

Quote from: "Boing"
"Pants" is a shit word and I HATE it.I hate it when it's used to describe underwear,it's so insipid and dull,not at all like KNICKERS and PANTIES,which are VIBRANT and NAUGHTY.And I hate it when it's used to describe anything bad.You hear the word "pants" an TV and you're guaranteed to hear it another fifty six times in the next quarter of an hour.

interesting you should say that, Mr Boing, because boxer shorts are quite...

.. er

..

the thing is




...

oh fuck it.  You're on your own I'm afraid.  I'm not, I've got a crate of Lambrini!  only 7.5% but when you've got outside of six or seven litres of the filthy muck things start looking up!
Who knows maybe later it'll be time for another recreation of Noakes and Nelson!!  Once you've cleared the square bit it's plain sailing until the Corinthian overhang!

Edit: Nina has informed me that she has not the first clue what I'm talking about re: Noakes and Nelson.  As I imagine she more closely resembles the 'demographic' on here than myself I should explain.  In 1977 Blue Peter presenter John Noakes climbed Nelson's Column on rickety ladders to clean off the pigeon shit.  It's going to be me up there later- off to the District Line in a moment.  
Got four litres of the Lambrini inside me at the time of writing.  Experiment- trying not to piss any of it out until I'm up there with Lord Horatio.  Had to get a paper clip, unbend it, then secure it tightly round the end of the old fellow with pliers to stop the  piddle coming out.  Hurts like fuckery, but no pain, no gain!

Tags: