Author Topic: Mr Barkus is outside Mr Patel  (Read 2391 times)

Dusty Gozongas

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Mr Barkus is outside Mr Patel
« on: November 07, 2006, 11:37:58 PM »
Mr Patel

Can you offer some advice?

Aubrey has made a mess and he can fuck off if he thinks I'm opening the door.

There's something very wrong about the way Mr Barkus behaves.  I'm not saying that this is the friendliest of neighbourhoods but  anything above a shout will usually have the meddlesome and the nosey standing at their doorstep.  Especially when somebody is calling for Barry.  Fuck!

It appears that Mr Barkus has a talent for voices.  Help me please!  If this gets violent I have a feeling we'll both be seriously harmed.

A

Aubrey Barkus

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Re: Mr Barkus is outside Mr Patel
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2006, 11:52:41 AM »
Quote from: "arqarqa"
Mr Patel

Can you offer some advice?

Aubrey has made a mess and he can fuck off if he thinks I'm opening the door.

There's something very wrong about the way Mr Barkus behaves.  I'm not saying that this is the friendliest of neighbourhoods but  anything above a shout will usually have the meddlesome and the nosey standing at their doorstep.  Especially when somebody is calling for Barry.  Fuck!

It appears that Mr Barkus has a talent for voices.  Help me please!  If this gets violent I have a feeling we'll both be seriously harmed.

A


Mr Patel on Mr Barkus' computer again.
I am sorry for whatever Mr Barkus did to you.  He will not do it again.  As you may have heard, in the early hours of this morning he carried out his threatened ascent of Nelson's Column.  The policeman who came earlier said they think when he slipped he was trying to loosen the bent paper clip tied round the end of his penis in order to "piss on the tourists."  As the officer said, there would be few tourists at that time in the morning, but Mr Barkus had drunk upwards of nine litres of wine, and was probably unaware of the hour.
When he fell he had managed to loosen the penis clip.  Apparently the spurt of pressurised urine caught rather spectacularly in the spotlights as he fell.  He was still urinating when he struck the unfortunate Mr Boekhoute, and continued for some moments afterwards.
One of the homeless people who witnessed Mr Barkus' burst body provided an epitaph: "The Whale who Stank of Lambrini."  I think he would have liked that.


edit: Myself and Nina have just been cleaning out Mr Barkus' flat.  We found a crudely written will leaving everything he owns to me!  I feel very touched by this deeply strange man's generosity.
Admittedly everything he owns amounts to: two identically cut suits: one brown, one blue, 14 bottles of urine, two bin liners of dirty washing, a fan heater with a dead sparrow wedged inside, various road signs, the Guinness Book of Hit Singles, a large grapefruit with a suspicious hole gouged into it, twenty maps of Turin city centre, a concrete Pelican (damaged) and a shoe full of yoghurt.  Not much to show for 65 years on this planet.

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