Twenty-One Words At Christmas

[the midnight watch baboon]

an ecstasy/agony emotion twin-tower, like that Radiohead album cover. But verbwhores are also philanthropic at Chrimbo, and can often

[Catalogue Trousers]

even find it in their hearts to forgive Boing, pity Lembit Opik, not shoot the Jerries and have a bally good Yule

[Mister Cairo]

even decide to join in when an aunt calls for everyone to do the Conga and you Conga into a world

[Mister Cairo]

where no one seems bothered about the Sentence Game. Come on, Verbwhores, are we letting this dangle like Saddam Hussain after

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

he is royally pissed off he didn't make it to 2007, ruining the Tikrit Christmas Bash for everyone, whereas Fidel Castro

[Jemble Fred]

is currently appearing as Sir Toby Belch-With-A-Bit-Of-Sick-in-It in the Hereford Players version of Twelfth Night, which should be any day now.

[Catalogue Trousers]

Look out as well for Lembit Opik's stunning turn as Sir Andrew Ague-Cheeky Girl Touch My Bum of Leamington Spa

[Mister Cairo]

while Viola will be played by the winner of X Factor, with a herd of cattle as interval entertainment. Why not

[Jemble Fred]

abandon work altogether, seeing as it is in fact still Xmas until the weekend, and go along to see Shakey's show

[thepuffpastryhangman]

"Michael J Fox is doing panto now?" cackled the Golden Globe, Emmy and BAFTA winning genius Ricky Gervais to much applause

[Mister Cairo]

from his pet Russell, while all around horrified children ran from Gervais. His new project, Stand Up in playgrounds, was reviled

[the midnight watch baboon]

by the Hoi Polloi, who lacked the intelligence to appreciate the spazzy kids' jokes. Meanwhile, 2007's early days continued paradigm shifting

[Jemble Fred]

as Alexei wiped a tear away and finished wrapping his twelve drummers, still furiously drumming away, for delivery on the morrow.

[Mister Cairo]

Next door, Davina McCall danced to the beat of Alexi's stick while she rehearsed her out of time mugging to camera

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

1, unaware that actually camera 3 was the one filming her. Upskirt shots ahoy! This was when we all realised that

[the midnight watch baboon]

The Clique were currently recruiting in a dark, nefarious cloak and dagger stylee, so all potential members better be prepared to

[Mister Cairo]

see the Clique in the Big Brother House. Dancing with Jade Goody, who I personally like although her "thick" per a is

[Jemble Fred]

Twenty-One Words At Christmas.

By TJ, Jim, Butnut, Jemble Fred, Gazzykins, The Midnight Watch Baboon, Mook, Ffogems, Domestic Goddess, Des Nilsen, Mr Cairo, Catalogue Trousers, Princess Anne, Tits McGee, Shoulders?-Stomach!, The Puff pastry Hangman, and Eight Taiwanese Teenagers.[/color]


Father Christmas took one last look at his infamous list; "now let me see... who's been naughty, and who's been nice?". He scanned the names, one by one, "Hmmm, Ciaràn - nice; Purple - naughty; Boing - very very very naughty; Jim - very nice indeed..." And he thought to himself "Who is the special one this year? The one that I'll visit dressed in women's clothing?"

He lit up his pipe and puffed away awhile before announcing, "Actually, fuck it. This year I'm just going to ACAPULCO! Or," mused Santa, "I could pay Jemble Scrooge a visit. Cheer him up with the ghost of comedy past, and then whisk him away with the ghost of comedy to come, where he has given in and is producing Blunder series nine."    

So off he trekked, with his friends the Yuletide Fairy, Kris Kringle, Rudolph, Gromit and Ben E King, to the loneliest…

Believing any publicity is good, Gervais's and ELW10's toasted nuts tasted sweet as they spooned this Christmas. Oh, irony upon irony!

Eh?

Ask Run DMC, BDP, NWA, PE, Cube, Snoop, my doctor, Jesus, God, KRS-ONE and some other cretins what I mean please.

(After worrying over his sanity, Santa realised TMWB was the clumsiest poster known, so it was no surprise that he fucked up a simple little internet game, no doubt he will blame his sofa fucked wrist. Anyway on with the story folks.)       

It was my broken bone's fault! Neurological transmissions only prosper creatively with the cogent work of two fully operational hands. Bastards.

Santa had had enough of this. He called up Rudolf Hess, the Nazi Reindeer and they went to TMWB's house to…

Hooray, figureheads to share my rubbish posts, deleterious behaviour and syndrome L'Asperger's with..my Chrimbo Port 'n' Twiglets already smell great :o)

"FUCK THIS" cried Santa, as he and Rudolf took their sledgehammers and started beating TMWB's brains in. Soon, only a messy all-shook-up festive themed laquer could put their anger in abeyance, which they both shared over the brow-beaten corpse.

Owwwww! ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Cunts. Merry Christmas to you too!

Bollocks to me.


Santa and Rudolf were feeling very pleased with their handywork. So they decided to celebrate with a fancy dinner. But as their cupboard was as bare as Mother Hubbard's, they had no choice but to choose one of the other reindeer to pop down to Tesco. Unfortunately, they chose Blitzen (Rudolf's favourite, for obvious reasons), whose mother always shopped at Sainsbury's, and so some decisions were needed. Santa drew up a twelve person committee, who would report back no later than nine months after they prepared to rub shoulders with 3-ply buying vicars. But it's Christmas, and with TMWB finally understanding how this thread works, all was well.

With the committee still arguing about supermarkets, it was decided that their turkey and trimmings would have to be tested for poison by a committee of expendable people, just in case that doe-eyed shit Putin had sneaked in and decided that Santa's monopoly on present delivery was no good for the Russian economy. Putin's own state-owned delivery system was decorated with tinsel in order to cheer up Pooty Poot, which some people claim is George Bush's nickname for the 96% of the world's population who are not American. The Whitehouse has denied these claims, saying only that "The President can have a strange sense of humour at times. It only makes us love him even more, though."

Meanwhile, Santa was inserting an American spell-checker onto his computer, and was puzzled by the spelling of 'humour' by the White House. Meanwhile, Rudolf did a massive piss. The next morning, they all awoke to find themselves covered in a soft white substance, which wasn't pleasant. "Oh Santa" moaned Rudolph. "Have you forgotten to use your Head and Shoulders again?"

Santa's problem was getting worse, and wasn't helped by AY (dressed as Santa) and PLC (a reindeer) arriving singing "just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-ting-a-ling too..."

Stress always made his condition worse, and the thought of a rival Santa sent his itching scalp into overdrive. In fact, things quickly got to the stage where Santa had scraped his scalp bare. "Oh heavens..." he lamented. "How can I possibly attend any more meets now? I will be told that not everyone cares about my fucking bald patch, while Putin sits his eleven-plus, nicking all the right answers from Berlusconi?"


Father Christmas, Ebenezer Scrooge and Noel Edmonds came out of Lidl carrying Sayle, metophorically- Alexei's teamscripting contribution had disappointed everyone again, and a Christmas miracle was needed if our unlikely team was to recreate the great days of 'Vicar at The Bo Selecta Bear's wedding or whatever'.

Little Alexei screwed his eyes tight shut and wished that he could go home, as it was his last day at work and he was very fucking bored.

However, he still had to photocopy his buttocks ten more times. Alexeis Sales were doing very well due to the sudden epidemic of explosive diarrhoea which had left smelly, leaking patients across London tucked up all cosy with The Dog Catcher and The Cat Strangler.

Pictures of this perverted orgy were splashed all over the tabs on Xmas morning, and Alexei's mum announced that so sickened was she by Alexei's priapic, dirty lifestyle that she intended sending for The Mighty Boosh's boys to administer a sound strangulation to Richard Littlejohn, who had decided to test his readers by writing of his desire to fuck Queen's Park Rangers' manager, John Gregory. Unfortunately for Littlejohn's ego, his faithful readers were all too busy being outraged and offended by the fact that a prostitute had stuffed a pineapple violently up Richard's rectum and that he hadn't murdered her ruggedly like a bad, baaaaad boy.

Still, chastened by a smacked bum, Alexei said his prayers and went to bed, all excited that 'Santa' would be reading his letter.This letter was written with the finest quill pen, so fine that even Rymans did not admit it existed. Instead they marketed their own feather-like pen, which wasn't as good because it was made out of fur, biscuits and rice. The biscuits themselves of which there were three had to be of the highest standard to make Little Jimmy successfully clap his hands and get an ice cream. The wee tyke's favoured ice-cream was the legendary "Scarlet Twotripper", which, despite its name, actually caused most people to have three "trips".

Back outside Lidl, Edmonds was doodling a symbol on his crinkly bottom, as it was the only part of his body not coated in smelly marker pen which he had stolen from an old woman who had so many signed pictures of Jim Davidson she had to have a bonfire of them and apologise to the many villagers who objected to Davidson-soiled ash clogging up their chimneys and kids.


Nevertheless, Christmas it was, and everyone knows what Verbwhores do at Christmas. They record their own version of the Queen's speech, wearing a tiara and trousers pre-faded. It's enormous fun, but when it's finished, one can't help but feel a deep sense of sadness tinged an ecstasy/agony emotion twin-tower, like that Radiohead album cover.

But Verbwhores are also philanthropic at Chrimbo, and can often even find it in their hearts to forgive Boing, pity Lembit Opik, not shoot the Jerries and have a bally good Yule â€" even decide to join in when an aunt calls for everyone to do the Conga and you Conga into a world where no one seems bothered about the Sentence Game…


Come on, Verbwhores, are we letting this dangle like Saddam Hussain after he is royally pissed off he didn't make it to 2007, ruining the Tikrit Christmas Bash for everyone, whereas Fidel Castro is currently appearing as Sir Toby Belch-With-A-Bit-Of-Sick-in-It in the Hereford Players version of Twelfth Night, which should be any day now?

Look out as well for Lembit Opik's stunning turn as Sir Andrew Ague-Cheeky Girl Touch My Bum of Leamington Spa while Viola will be played by the winner of X Factor, with a herd of cattle as interval entertainment. Why not abandon work altogether, seeing as it is in fact still Xmas until the weekend, and go along to see Shakey's show?


"Michael J Fox is doing panto now?" cackled the Golden Globe, Emmy and BAFTA winning genius Ricky Gervais to much applause from his pet Russell, while all around horrified children ran from Gervais. His new project, Stand Up in playgrounds, was reviled by the Hoi Polloi, who lacked the intelligence to appreciate the spazzy kids' jokes. Meanwhile, 2007's early days continued paradigm shifting as Alexei wiped a tear away and finished wrapping his twelve drummers, still furiously drumming away, for delivery on the morrow.

Next door, Davina McCall danced to the beat of Alexi's stick while she rehearsed her out of time mugging to camera 1, unaware that actually camera 3 was the one filming her. Upskirt shots ahoy! This was when we all realised that The Clique were currently recruiting in a dark, nefarious cloak and dagger stylee, so all potential members better be prepared to see the Clique in the Big Brother House. Dancing with Jade Goody, who I personally like although her "thick" persona is giving me the RFH.


Goodnight, Alexei. You’ve had enough Xmas to last you til 2043. Goodnight Putin. Bye god. Merry January.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Well done everybody! Look forward to next year's. Tootling up the points, I can see that Jemble Fred is this year's winner, and his prize is freedom of the city of Godmanchester.

[Pythov]

That was thirty two words you posted the midnight watch baboon, which is not in keeping with the rules.  Okay, Cunt?

21 words.[/b]