You May Debunk Myths About the Opposite Sex From Here

[amp]

A kid at my school got thrush in the mouth / face.  It wasn't pretty.

Beware of noshing the bushy pie...

wait a minute, how old was this kid? "omg"

[mook]

Exactly, for years you innocently think that fannies are lovely harmless little fun loving critters, and then you look on google and find out you can catch herpes of the fucking eye.

look.

[buttgammon]

Twisted testes=worst pain imaginable.

MY TESTICLE HELL!

I went through a year of stomach and scrotum agony when I was around ten and all the doctor would tell my Mum was that I was faking to get out of school. The cunt. Problem is by the time you get an appointment the symptoms and pain have sorted themselves out until next time, so there's no evidence. Then one night I'm in screaming agony, ma balls were like fuckin' watermelons, man, I'm tellin'ye. I was throwing up and screaming. It was the worst experience of my whole life, no exaggeration. The doctor came out on an emergency visit and the look of panic in his eyes was shocking. He was on the blower pretty fast and within a couple of hours I was in the operating theatre having my left testicle straightened out and both of them anchored in place. I found out later that I was mere hours away from losing leftie altogether.

Never, never underestimate the pain or potential consequences of wobbly bollocks.

Fucking hell! That sounds like the worst thing in the world! I've got a pain in my right testicle right now, and I'd like to think it's psychosomatic as I've just read this shit, but I wouldn't want to be in te agony you were in. I'm feeling rather feverish all of a sudden. I do get like this sometimes, though. I've just been through a phase where I was a bit obsessed with appendicitis, although I went to the doctor and he said I had no such thing, so I'm hoping this is just paranoid, neurotic me again.

[Still Not George]

Testicular torsion - final proof, as if it were needed, that we get the harsh end of the genital deal.

[buttgammon]

Testicular torsion - final proof, as if it were needed, that we get the harsh end of the genital deal.

As Elaine said in an episode of Seinfeld (roughly) "How do you guys walk around with those things?"

[mothman]

Exactly, for years you innocently think that fannies are lovely harmless little fun loving critters, and then you look on google and find out you can catch herpes of the fucking eye.

look.

(picture)

Curse my inability to find a decent photo of Stephen Dorff after he transformed into that Vampire God thing in Blade!

[Joy Nktonga]

As I think mook can confirm, buttgammon, you'd know if you were suffering from it.

SNG's spot on. What a terrible design. Proof, as if it were needed, that intelligent design theorists can fuck right off. Your balls hang there just waiting to be struck by any passing object, or get caught in yer boxers as you shift in your seat. As if that wasn't enough, they are independently mobile,  gently spinning back and forth until one day they decide not to go back. Twisting and twisting 'til the blood supply gets cut off, swelling the testicle to scary proportions, aching like you've had a wrecking ball to the groin, leaving a nausea in the pit of your stomach akin, I can only imagine, to having eaten the most undercooked, rancid bowl of prawns and chicken ever. Knowing what I now know is possible, I'd be tempted to pay a private surgeon to anchor mine to be on the safe side if they weren't already held snugly in place.

[buttgammon]

As I think mook can confirm, buttgammon, you'd know if you were suffering from it.

Thanks for reassuring me. I thought I was going mad, just then. Maybe I am, but at least I might not be in excruciating pain.

[Cack Hen]

After reading about testicular torsion about 6 months ago, I am forever living in fear of it.

[Still Not George]

I had epididimitis as a young man (which still causes me problems now) and I also discovered the other problem of the tackle - no-one takes male genital issues seriously. At all. Going to the doctor with chronic pain in the floaty lumpy bit just gets you ultrasounded to rule out cancer then sent home and told not to be a sissy.

[buttgammon]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testicular_torsion

I feel even more horribly sick and concerned, now. And the pain in my right testicle has come back again...

[butnut]

Yeah, you twisted ball guys don't sound like you had a good time but...



Which is more painful?  A twisted testicle or an anal fissure? There's only one way to find out.. FIGHT!!!

Having your balls twisted round must be a real fucker, so anyone who has had it has my sympathy. I don't know if I can beat a whole year of that, but whilst we're discussing our most painful experiences, I shall continue to derail my own thread thusly:

Bad things about my experiences of an anal fissure (not to be read whilst eating):

1) Lots of blood coming out of your bum.

2) A rectal examination, including removal of blood clots by the poor doctor. Before he went in, he said 'this is uncomfortable at the best of times. But this is going to really hurt you.' I'm not sure it REALLY hurt, and I was in pain anyway, but goodness me it was unpleasant. I certainly made some odd noises. When he removed his finger from inside me, all this stuff came out and it felt like I'd just done a massive shit in front of him. Luckily, it was only blood. Annoyingly, he then found the whole thing funny, and was still chuckling as I left.

3) Living in fear of the toilet. I would pace around beforehand, hoping that somehow the need to go would magically disappear. Every time I went (and there's no way of avoiding going, and if you don't go for days you can make everything much worse when it finally comes out) I was often screaming out in pain. . Without meaning to, I developed some weird mantras to try and help. One of them was  'depuis quinze ans' for some reason. Quite what my neighbours thought I have no idea. This would all be followed by an hour or two of whimpering with the occasional yelp as the pain slowly lessened. A bath and paracetamol would help a little bit. Several times during all this, I thought of the dreadful irony of my username.

4) Being an idiot and misreading the doses of laxatives I was given (to keep the stool soft), so I was taking the same amount they give to coma patients to force an 'immediate evacuation'. Useful to know for party tricks. You've got under 30 minutes before you HAVE to go.

5) The amount of time it takes to heal. Almost three months of this, and that's reasonably quick. Some people have it for years and years. And treatment is much better than it was for the poor bastards even 10 years ago. Either you had to hope it healed itself, or had to have surgery. Which involves splitting the sphincter. Ha I just double checked that on google, and one site describes the condition as being like 'shitting razorblades'  - that's a pretty good description.

6) Although it probably helped cure me, having to apply a cream, twice daily into my bum. How fun it was to go into the bathroom, wrap clingfilm round my finger and poke it up my bleeding arse.

7) That it's not quite painful enough for them to give you really serious painkillers (although many of these cause constipation, so it might be a bit defeating). Although perhaps I should have really begged my doctor for some. At times I was considering going onto the streets to buy anything to take the pain away.

Here are the good things about the condition:

1) I have a somewhat gruesome medical story now.

2) The will-I-get-aroused-if-a-doctor-sticks-his-finger-up-my-bottom? question has been answered. The answer is no, and the last thing you're thinking of is anything arousing while it's happening, especially when he's tugging at blood clots in there.

Apparently babies get this quite often. If so, they've gone from being annoying crying bags of shit and puke, to having quite a lot of sympathy from me. Anyway, women get this just as often as men, so it's a nice equal opportunities condition.

[buttgammon]

There's another thing for me to obsessively worry about, then. I guess I shouldn't model my mental state on Woody Allen characters, but I can't help but end up terrified of things like this when I read them.

[Joy Nktonga]

Ouch, butnut! I wouldn't want to pick between the two conditions though.

After reading butgammon's wiki my balls started aching. It's all coming horribly back to me.

[buttgammon]

That page does that to me, too. I've never had anything that intensely painful thankfully, but I'm imaganing how horrible it must be. I can't express how much sympathy I have for anybody who's had testicular torsion or anal fissures.

[Saygone]

I don't have to worry about twisted testes cos my junk is too small.  An exgirlfriend nuked my confidence once by remarking of my balls "ahhh, they're like two skittles in a rucksack"

[samadriel]

Ouch, butnut! I wouldn't want to pick between the two conditions though.

Oh dear.

[Cack Hen]

[stuff about anal fissure.

Ohhh, butnut. I feel your pain, for I too am a victim of the beast known as DR ANAL FISSURE (evil doctor). I honestly feel like I wanna give you a hug, there should be a club for people like us. But now I'm afraid I will have to share my anal fissure story. I'm so very sorry.

Christmas eve 2004 I was constipated quite badly, I was eating fruit and drinking water all day because I really had to go out and do some last minute christmas shopping but I felt so blocked up I just couldn't leave the house. Then it came to about 5ish and I realised it was now or never so I really pushed and just forced it out, it wasn't particularly comfortable but it didn't feel that bad, that was until I looked back at what I had done and it was astonishing. Never has the phrase "you had to see it to believe it" been so true. Only about 20% of it was in the water, I just couldn't believe that was in me. I can't stress that it was equally "impressive" in girth too. Alright alright, so I'll move on and save you more details on the poo (yeah there's more). At the time I just felt relieved, to be honest. I went and did my shopping and had a nice christmas. But shortly after a christmas I went to the toilet and this time blood made an appearence. Of course, my first reaction was "OH FUCK BLOOD WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" so like any sane person, I checked it out on the Internet before going to the doctor. In fact I didn't go to the doctor and still haven't. But the problem kept getting worse and worse over the next 7/8 months, peaking in July of 2005 when it was basically hell. As Butnut says, it is like shitting glass. I was holding off poos for up to a week and feeling terrible, and when I finally went it was just five to ten minutes of solid torture, at one point even losing a small piece of flesh from my anus down the toilet. Luckily, blood has never been in the toilet afterwards, it just comes up on the toilet paper, if it was coming out in loads I think I'd have panicked and gone to hospital. That bad period went away a bit and all I was left with was a bit of light stinging, although blood stains were still coming out when it stung a bit more than usual. Today the problem is still there, but I can live with it. It's painful, but it's not ARGHHH MY CHRIST THAT HURTS anymore. I think I'm just working on the assumption that it'll heal itself, it's just taking its time about it. I mean it HAS improved, just very gradually.

The sad thing is, I've just gotten used to it. But the reality of it is, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's not like I can avoid it, and in the back of my mind I know all it'll take is one big poo and I'm back to square one, possibly facing surgery. And before anybody says "just go to the doctor before it gets worse!" don't bother. I hate going to the doctors at the best of times, let alone for anything down there. I know it's the sensible thing to do, but hey, I'm not gonna do it so there's no use worrying about it.

However, there is a lesson to be learnt from all of this. For the love of god, will you make sure you have plenty of bran and fruit in your diet. Drinking water helps too. Of course, being constipated does not automatically mean an anal fissure is due, but each time you are constipated, you're running that risk. It's much like stretching an elastic band, sometimes it'll break, sometimes it won't. If you just make sure things don't get that bad, you can avoid this living nightmare.

Again, I'm sorry.

[Entropy Balsmalch]

Why didn't you just wear a condom?

Thrush can be caused and/or inflamed by doing a lot of the sexiness with or without a condom.

The suggestion of cessation of the sexings was purely to give the areas a while to calm down.

PS - my friend's dad had testicular tortion for a few months and it seemed to me to be the single most painful and unpleasant experience anyone could ever suffer - so sympathies to the affected.

[butnut]

Cack Hen: Hooray! I knew this would out someone else!

Interesting that you didn't have blood in the toilet - I went to the doctor because of the alarming amounts that were coming out. I suppose it probably depends where your fissure is. I think mine was right near the edge of the anus according to the doctor - perhaps yours was deeper in from the straining. I hope it all gets better soon Cack Hen. Hang on - have you had it for over 2 years??? That really is a long time to put up with it. I'd have resorted to surgery after that time. I think it's pretty silly not to go to the doctors. A fissure over a long period of time could mean more serious things.

I too repeat the message of a high fibre diet. I think mine was caused from straining from diarrhea rather than constipation, but it still applies.

Hope everyone enjoyed their breakfast.

[Still Not George]

I'm never going to the toilet, or touching my balls, or even moving around, ever again ever.

[hansen mork]

Hope everyone enjoyed their breakfast.

Yeah, my bowl of blood and shit went down a treat this morning.

[MojoJojo]

Back in the golden age of the internet, there was a long usenet post that made the rounds with some bloke describing his anal fissure experience. He had surgery, and even got the surgeons to video the operation and put that up on the web. I didn't watch it, but from what I remember of the description of the operation, it involved stretching his arsehole out to 10 cm in diameter.

What does this tell us about opposite sex? Women don't talk about blood coming out of their anus.

[Cerys]

I suppose this means I have to prove you wrong.  Ahem.

Pregnancy affects blood pressure, and given this and pressure on the lower abdomen, piles are quite usual.  I thought I was managing to avoid too much in the way of bum grapage, but in the last few weeks before I popped our sprog, a lovely cluster appeared.  This in itself wasn't that much of a problem.  Itchy, for the most part.  And then the day of glorious sprog-emergence arrived.  This, in case you're not aware of it, generally involves a lot of pushing.  Cue further grape growth.  And my enthusiasm about meeting our beautiful daughter meant that pushing so hard caused tearing.  Four stitches - between my vag and arse, and a fair amount of bruising.

My first shit was like giving birth to Bethan's evil, spiky butt-twin.  Lovely floating spirals of blood in the toilet bowl were very little consolation.

[Cack Hen]

A fissure over a long period of time could mean more serious things.
.

Don't say that! It's been getting better, does that count for nothing?!.