The Coolest-Sounding Bands that Never Existed.

[trotsky assortment]

Ultimate Candy Machine is really good, most of the others in this thread are totally missing the point. It's not "let's all be wacky and suggest LOLable band names". It's more like "organically-occuring moments in speech which a) actually  happened and b) you think would look good on an album cover".

I think it was Jemble Fred who suggested The George Harrison Vetoes.  That made me chuckle.

[boki]

If there hasn't been a thrash band called Dirty Protest yet, then maybe there's hope for mankind. (I'd still like there to be one, though)

There's a real band called Anal Cunt, which is two of the suggestions in this thread together. "Your Mother Committed Suicide Because You Suck" is my favourite of their ouevre.

It's 'Your Kid Committed Suicide Because You Suck', becuase it was originally going to be called 'Conor Clapton Committed Suicide Because His Father Sucks'.  I've wasted my life.

[Famous Mortimer]

And I even got the name of their song wrong! A certain degree of fucking things up is healthy though, when I start remembering their song titles verbatim is when I'm going to worry. Not that you should worry, boki. And a casual read of their website reveals them (well, him) to be the sort of idiot I'd probably spend money to avoid.

[boki]

Whilst I worry about far too many things, a daft gindcore band is not one of them.

I used to think Grunting Cunt would be a good name for a death metal band, even better if female-fronted.

My one big tip for 2007, however, would be emo sensations Crying And Wanking, a more sombre off-shoot from light-hearted pop-punkers Wearing The Odd Sock

[Morrisfan82]

Just so you know, Anal Cunt get mentioned in every thread like this ever. :) I'm pretty sure even The Queen knows all their comedy song titles by now.

I'm dreadfully sorry for being new.

I was being nice! Do smileys account for nothing these days? I risked arrest putting one in...

Piss A Twix

I'd like to see Jools Holland walking round a big room mis-emphasising that one.

[Captain Crunch]

I'm not going to dig up the 'Band Names That Are Too Shit To Be Real' and I can't be bothered to start the 'Good Band, Shame About The Name' thread but check out Toner Low they're great.  But with a name like that I don't blame anyone who doubts me.

[Morrisfan82]

Do they have a song called Funky Cold Multifeeder?

[Captain Crunch]

It was the b-side to Auto Paper Select (M Series remix)

[Famous Mortimer]

Just so you know, Anal Cunt get mentioned in every thread like this ever. :) I'm pretty sure even The Queen knows all their comedy song titles by now.

I'm dreadfully sorry for being new.

I was being nice! Do smileys account for nothing these days? I risked arrest putting one in...

Piss A Twix

I'd like to see Jools Holland walking round a big room mis-emphasising that one.

I'd just had a row on another forum...sorry Muteki.

The Big And Tall Clothing Megastore

[chumfatty]

We have pet rat called Nevis and two Goldfishes, when planning our next holiday Mrs Chumfatty said who's going to look after :-

Mr Nevis and the Fishes

Unsurprisingly I immediately thought of this thread.

[hoverdonkey]

There is a retired LA gangster rapper in the book I have written called Big Sneeze. He recorded two albums, 'Atishoo' and 'All Fall Down' but was forced to leave the scene on advice of his doctor, so he now lives in a seaside town in Norfolk, confusing the locals by being black.

[Mr Wrong]

Looselyrelated: Check out: Moniker and Names.

WARNING -clip contains Ricky Gervais.

[non capisco]

Looselyrelated: Check out: Moniker and Names.

WARNING -clip contains Ricky Gervais.

Wasn't 'Chimney Factory' the bandname Lee and Herring invented as a fictitious name to drop for obscurity points?

[Go With The Flow]

[buttgammon]

It's not a band name so it's a bit off-topic, but I've always thought it would be a great idea for a jazz band to do a song called "St Vincent &  the Grenadines", named after the Carribean island group of the same name. Actually that would work as a band name, too.

I now have a fictional song stuck in my head. "Duh, duh, duh, duh-duh St. Vincent & the Grenadines. Duh, duh, duh, duh-duh Where nothing is what it seems yeah!" Please, get me sectioned!

[SOTS]

Third on the bill? I'll have you know what we were fucking great!

A lot of our songs were composed on one of these beauties.

[23 Daves]

I used to invent loads of fictional bands for no good reason at all - I was doing it as early as the age of twelve, giving them potted biographies and Guinness Book of Hit Singles styled chart position summaries.

Ages ago, I combined childhood interests by doing a "choose your own adventure" styled piece of writing about fictional bands:

Roll your die. Whatever the figure is, go to the relevant passage of the text.

1.

You go to see Blind Box playing at the NME Spotlight Night at the Unigate Dairy Club. They are a band with two guitarists, a singer, and a drummer. The singer has a floppy fringe with spikey hair nearer the back, which has been dyed a sickly shade of tarmac black. It looks rigid and plastic, strangely inflexible. He wears eyeliner in a panda-ish way that would look profoundly ridiculous on a woman.

Their songs, such as "No Rest", "Scarlet Trains", and "Missed Again" are melodramatic affairs filled with epic choruses, rather like the ones the Manic Street Preachers used on "Everything Must Go", but stripped of any motown string arrangements. The verses and middle eights are just distractions, mere afterthoughts that lead up to the Epic Choruses.

The lead singer, Peter Variable, is static on stage but screws his brow up at every intense bit, as if he's trying to force drops of emotion from his performance rather like a dehydrated man attempting to wring drops of water out of a stone dry sponge.

A posh girl next to you instigates conversation. In fifteen seconds time, she will say "My boyfriend's in a band. They're called The Korova Bandits. They've been tipped for the top by Jonathan King. Have you heard of them?"

You leave. Adventure Over.

2.

You go to see Couldbe Queens play the Honeybus Night in the Ploughshed. They are some sort of Electroclash band with a keyboard player, a singer and two obvious ex-drama students whose precise roles are rather unclear. They wear tight leather and make-up, and pull a variety of slightly camp faces which have clearly been learnt through careful study, both from bad drag queens and the mirrors in their bedrooms.
Their songs, such as "Your Mother's Desecrated Ass", "Motorbike Queen", and "I Know Where To Shove It", are all pounding electronic numbers where lyrical and musical subtlety is not at any point an option. One of the members, whose name appears to be Needles, spends much of the gig threatening individual members of the audience to a fight. At one point, he throws what appears to be urine at someone. It turns out to be Lucozade, though. Everyone is most amused, as well as being visibly relieved. Rock and roll!

The man stood next to you instigates a conversation, and in fifteen seconds time he will say "Do you know where I could score some coke?"

You leave. Adventure Over.

3.

You go to see The Lotion play the Unicycle Night at the Cow and Flagon. They are a band with two guitarists, a singer, and a drummer. The singer has Strokeshair, which has been dyed a sickly shade of tarmac black. He wears a rather ordinary suit jacket with a pair of far too tight blue jeans, and his performance speciality appears to be a pop-eyed glare which he directs at the audience to notify "intensity".

The songs, "Reverse! Reverse!! Reverse!!!", "Churchill" and "Plague Pets" are slightly mournful but somehow energetic ditties that manage to bridge the gap between Joy Division and The Ramones. The lead singer Joe's voice is a hollering, barking cross between Jim Morrison's and Ian Curtis's. At one point he sings "I feel claustrophobic on the outside/ and safer on the inside" repeatedly and with some intensity. You wonder what this might mean.

The posh teenage girl stood next to you instigates a conversation. In fifteen seconds time, she will say "My boyfriend's in a band. They're called The Korova Bandits. They've been tipped for the top by Jonathan King. Have you heard of them?"

You leave. Adventure Over.

4.

You go to see Peace Corp play the Shilly Shally Night at the Tail-cock Bar. They are a band with two guitarists, a singer, and a drummer. The band all sport the kind of haircuts last seen in 1991, bowlhaired and possibly rather obstructive to safe road crossing routines. Alvin Stardust would consider them out of their tiny minds. The lead singer pouts a little, and shakes his microphone like it's a maraca.

Their songs, "Cities", "I Can See You" and "Ladders Without Snakes" all take their cues from the back catalogue of the Stone Roses, but are pale and diluted examples. The guitarist is average, the vocalist riding on arrogance alone, and the drummer too self-consciously showy and obsessed with random fills to cut it. They will also never play a four minute song where it can be needlessly padded out to nine minutes. Between songs, the lead singer cries out "Peace!" to great applause.

The man stood next to you instigates conversation. In fifteen seconds time, he will say "Do you know where I could score some coke?".

You leave. Adventure Over.

5.

You go to see The Riptide play at the Scotch Egg Club at the Camptown Races venue, but the gig is cancelled due to the lead singer suffering from salmonella poisoning due to an undercooked meal he had from the kebab shop that afternoon.

Roll the die again.

6.

Congratulations, you have rolled a six!

You go to see The Glamour Chase play at the Sugden Arms. They claim to be a "reaction against mediocrity". They are, in fact, a band with two guitarists, a singer, a drummer and a keyboard player. The band all sport Duran Duran haircuts, only dyed bright red and glaring peroxide blonde, and wear foundation and eyeliner. They do indeed look like Eighties Smash Hits cover star material.

Their songs "Return To Grace", "Night Owls" and "The Backstreet Union Boys" owe an enormous debt to Bowie, Suede and Duran Duran. The epic choruses in particular have an anthemic quality which has been well thought through, but the verses and middle eights are afterthoughts, distractions, obstacles in the way of the rousing choruses.

The lead singer, Nicolas Hatherley-Gore, strides up and down the stage confidently, and screws his brow up at every intense bit, as if he's trying to force drops of emotion from his performance rather like a thirsty man attempting to wring drops of water out of a stone dry sponge.

A beautiful woman stood next to you instigates conversation. She has a weeping cold sore on her upper lip. In fifteen seconds time, she will say: "My boyfriend's in a band. They're called The Korova Bandits. They've been tipped for the top by Jonathan King. Have you heard of them?"

You leave. Adventure Over.

Oh, What's the bloody point?

Anyway, yes...