Strange announcements on public transport

[Peking O]

This was announced as I was on the subway on my way to work today:

"Just because you put your foot in the door doesn't mean the train won't leave. It's better to be safe than sorry."

[Suttonpubcrawl]

I was once on a Jubilee line train where the driver had a very strange accent and sounded quite camp. He kept making announcements all the time, one of which sounded like "mind, please, the doors". It took me almost the entire journey to work out that he was actually saying "mind the closing doors", and his strange accent had distorted "the closing" until it sounded exactly like "please".

I love the automated announcements you get on the tube which say there are delays due to "passenger action", which I think is a great euphemism for "someone throwing themselves under a train".

I bet someone mentions "Inspector Sands".

[Lady Beaner]

I posted the following in another thread a lonnnnng time ago to do with funny announcements. So, fuckit... I am posting it again.

From the Tuuuuube
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologies for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now traveling through Baker Street, and as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please a allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the
door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause.) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the
pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

Edit: Sorry about the wobbliness of the quotes. I can't be bothered to tidy it up... it's 5.26pm!

[JesusAndYourBush]

I was once on a train from something like Leeds to York (I forget exactly but it was something like that) when the announcement came on, announcing the stations it would be stopping at, and in among the usual places he started inserting names of faraway places such as Aberdeen and Edinburgh.

[trotsky assortment]

Heard over the PA on the tube once:

'Will the fat bloke with the wheelchair stay there.'

Professional bastards.


Beaten only by a late night announcement on (the then) British Rail:

'In case you hadn't realised, the trains a bit de-railed and a bit fucked. We might be here a while.'

[Ghost of Troubled Joe]

On the South Eastern service to Charing Cross, having stopped at Waterloo East:

DRIVER: I'm told that we can't actually make it to Charing Cross due to a hold-up at that station. Please get off here and seek an alternative route.

Pause.

DRIVER: I don't why you're all still sitting there- we're not going to move any time soon. Please get off here and find another way to get to where you want to go- the Tube or a bus or a taxi. Thank you.

Pause.

DRIVER: For those of you who are hard of hearing, and it looks like there's quite a few of you, this train is not going to Charing Cross. It's not going anywhere. Please get off.

Pause.

DRIVER: Is this a joke? Look, the train's not going to move. Get off. Now, please. I want to go home.

[Labian Quest]

Not exactly an announcement as such, but I remember an announcer reading out a normal announcement and then hearing a door bang shut, someone come into the room and then him saying 'Fooking hell, have you seen that fooking haircut!' presumably he'd left the mike on.

[SweetRosalyn]

When I was in Australia I had a great flight from Melbourne to Cairns, in which the woman kept slipping little deadpan asides into the standard announcements... She announced that this was the whatever number flight to Cairns, and if there was anyone on board not wanting to go to Cairns, now was the time to raise their hand.   During the safety demonstrations... '... the oxygen masks will fall down, pull on the cord, as so, to begin the flow of oxygen, stop screaming, and place over your mouth, making sure you....' She also introduced the pilot as 'devastatingly handsome' and explained the buckle straps 'for anyone who hasn't been in a car in the last twenty years...' It certainly brightened up the flight. She got a round of applause from all the passengers at the end.

[The Duck Man]

Ah yeah, we had that kind of flight crew on the way back from Spain with EasyJet this summer. A middle-aged, choppy-haired woman and a camp Scottish guy, alongside occasional comments from the pilot. On the descent to Gatwick they were having a battle of wits, it was great fun. They got a round of applause too.

One time on the way back to Stanmore on the Jubilee Line on year we had an amusing driver called Gary. He was very good.

[Jaffa The Cake]

On a Virgin Train from London to Carlisle...

Announcement:
Would the passenger with luggage between coaches E and F please make themselves known to a member of staff.

...time passes...

Announcement:
Would the passenger with luggage between coaches E and F please make themselves known to a member of staff. Otherwise it will be removed from the train at the next stop. The luggage contains... urm... diced catfish... and a bag of what looks like... wheat or something. Could someone please come and collect this rubb... ur... luggage.

A few people started laughing, a huge black lady got up and started having a go at one of the staff for calling her luggage rubbish. Things took a turn for the scarier when a bloke sitting near the luggage piped up "Just sling it off the train, stinks like a fucking dead body, and sling her off n'all".

Then another guy on the train made eye contact with me as he was laughing and said:

"Haha, I mean, what is a catfish anyway? Haha"

I replied "Well, it's a type of fish". The smile disappeared from his face, as if I had shattered his vision of some kind of fish & cat hybrid, he turned back around, we didn't speak again.

[23 Daves]

On the Northern Line going towards High Barnet:

Right, I've now been told this train isn't going to High Barnet.  It's going to Mill Hill East... except... no, the signal is still saying we're going to High Barnet... for Christ's sake..."

(PA goes off then on again)

Right, now, I've definitely been told we're not going to High Barnet, but they're giving me the signal for High Barnet anyway.  You can't blame me for being confused.  This is just the sort of example I have to put up with everyday...

(PA goes off then on again)

Ah right, now the signal says we're going to Mill Hill East.  I don't know what they're playing at today, ladies and gentleman, I've been getting no sense out of them all morning, and, in case you were wondering, this is also why this morning's service has been so rubbish regardless of what they tell you.  Though I'm sure you're all very used to this by now, God knows I am.

He was a (very honest) card.