Incompetent, stupid, or otherwise remarkable bar staff

[gazzyk1ns]

Last night, I ordered a round of 2 pints of Guinness, and upon delivering them, the barman said "£8.90 please.". I didn't bother saying anything at this point, I just assumed he'd said something he didn't really mean... but no, he gave me £11.10 change from a £20 note. I did that polite thing of pretending to be confused and saying "Sorry, how much was that?"; and after tapping a load of buttons on the till, and then doing the same to a bloody calculator, he gave me more money. Whilst this didn't ruin my evening, it did make me think "What an idiot.". It was two pints, it wasn't particularly busy, and I know the bloke hadn't just started working there.

At the other end of the spectrum, a few years ago, me and a couple of mates were at some wedding reception or other. You know, one of those In-a-big-hall-which-doesn't-seem-to-have-been-designed-very-well-for-anything ones. Somehow the families involved had arranged to staff the bar themselves (yeah, there was actually a bar there, unusually, it wasn't a pathetic arrangement where you had a choice of warm Carlsberg or a vodka and orange), and so when I approached, I was greeted by a doddery and relatively old man. When I asked for three glasses of port, he got the Cockburns bottle and replied "Hmmm, port... that comes in the same measures as wine, doesn't it?". Obviously I replied "Yes, yes it does.". I think we got through nearly two bottles in as many hours.

Come on then... the thread title says it all, let's have your anecdotes.

[weekender]

There was a limited bar at the quiz I went to on Friday night - one of the managers had clearly asked for a tab to be opened up to a certain value.  So that I could know what sort of free drinking scale I'd be looking at, I asked the barman how much was left on the tab.  He told me he couldn't tell me as he'd been sworn to secrecy.

"Right, in that case I'll have four hundred whiskies please.  Will that take me over the tab limit?"
"Well, yes"
"Right, in that case I'll have two hundred whiskies please.  Will that take me over the tab limit?"
"Yes, it will"
"Now we can either carry on in this manner, with me trying to establish the free tab limit in terms of whisky, or you can tell me what the tab is like I asked you in the first place"
"It's £250"
"Thanks, I'll have 100 double whiskies then"
"What?"
"It was a joke"

[Brutus Beefcake]

That's brilliant.

[Vaguely Phallic]

That price would be feasible in parts of the West End gazzyk1ns I think (though obviously you knew where you weren't). For any repetitive job you stop thinking after a while don't you and just let any automated process, such as the till display, takes its course.

Not exactly a bar as such - okay it's a bookshop - but I love taking the free card you get at the counter when you buy the shop's vouchers, without actually purchasing the vouchers. The last time I did this was in Waterstone's Camden Town. I'd just given the guy behind the till my cash for some books. While he was putting them in a bag I took one of the cards and started writing in it.

"Er sorry that's only for when you buy book vouchers," he said.

"Okay. Well please can I have a refund for those books, then buy vouchers to the value of them, which I'll use to buy the books."

"Um, fair enough, see your point etc."

[overbearingly massive smug look]"Thanks."[/overbearingly massive smug look]

[The Duck Man]

I was put on the bar of the hotel I worked at over the summer, on my own with no training. I'm also a non-drinker, so aside from pints and spirits and mixers I'm fairly clueless as to how drinks are prepared.

Frequently guests would come down and ask for something like a Pimms or Baileys and I'd reply with "Right, you're going to have to tell me what to do, though."

[Pinball]

When I was a student I worked as a barman. It was fascinating but shit, so I switched to doing prize competitions and drug trials. When you get into the swing of it, prize exams become quite easy, and I won about 15 in total. Drug trials give you much better anecdotes though, and you don't look like a "how many A levels did you get?" twat talking about them (except in job interviews of course).

My favourite barman bit was making cocktails, especially those insane student ones, like the Armageddon - a pint comprising 1/2 cider, 1/2 lager, double vodka and a smidgen of Ribena...  I also worked in a 'normal' pub, and always remember the frequent 'call the police' late night stuff. Oh, happy days. This is why nowadays I prefer to buy a box of Corona from Makro and drink 'em at home.

[SweetRosalyn]

What are prize exams?

[samadriel]

the Armageddon - a pint comprising 1/2 cider, 1/2 lager, double vodka and a smidgen of Ribena...

Dear god yes.

[hymen spaz]

I've always had a problem with shit bar people - Mainly as i never quibble about the price of drinks (london = financial bumming per round) until the drinks are shit and servend by a fucking moron.

Especially in Crouch end where it seems that every single bar person is bobadoodoo - No exception. The cunts.

and all the drinks are fucking extorshioioionate.

[Angst in my Pants]

A barman handed our bottle of red wine to us - in an ice bucket.  He was clearly new and the manager was in earshot, so we said nothing to spare his blushes and trouble.

Returning for a second bottle, he asked if we needed another ice bucket.  Trying not to sound patronizing, I replied "You don't need to give an ice bucket for red wine."

He replied, "Yeah, I suppose you can still use the one you've got."

[The Boston Crab]

When I lived in northern Spain I was served a shitload of red wine from the freezer! That's not the point though is it, that was more everyday drinking wine. Still...maybe he was from Aragon, that's all I'm saying.

[Blumf]

What are prize exams?

Seconded, I have a mental image of a man standing next to a huge sheet of paper with a blue rosette on it.

[mwude]

I was at a bar in London and we'd all been given one free drink voucher each which would cover a beer or a glass of wine or a spirit + mixer.  So I went to the bar with 3 of them and ordered a beer and two vodka red bulls.  I was quite clearly going to pay for it all using the vouchers.  And then:

"There you go.  That'll be £2.40 please"
"But it's free.  One beer, two spirits + mixers"
"I'm afraid red bull isn't part of that offer"
"And you didn't think to tell me that while I stood here clearly brandishing these vouchers?"
"If you've got a problem with it you'll have to take it up with the manager"
"But the beer is free?"
"Yes"
"And so's the vodka?"
"Yes"
"So you're charging me £2.40 for a single can of red bull?" [just the one can was used for both drinks]
"I'm afraid that's the way it is"
... cue lots of me rolling my eyes and "fuck's sake"ing...
"Can I have something else instead of the vodka red bulls?"
"Well I've poured them now"
"Fine. Whatever.  Here's £2.40 for the vodkas and a voucher for the beer"
"Thank you"

At which point I could see the cogs turning and quickly walked away with the drinks and the remaining two vouchers.