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Gizmonic Government

Started by Dr. Gizmonic, February 04, 2004, 03:22:12 AM

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Dr. Gizmonic

As a new member of these forums I feel insecure and a little aroused. As such I shall attempt to insinuate myself with whatever ruling caste may exist by re-publishing a few the many, many articles I write as a slightly unhinged alternative to masturbation (henceforth referred to "Gizmonic Gold" or "Gizmonic! A digitally remastered journey through student life and Hoth"). The following is one of the most recent, previously only viewed by those unfortunate enough to be on my mailing list and God who is, of course, omnipresent. Be gentle.

Greetings friends,
Today, as I was shedding a single tear for a hobbled orphan, I realized that of all the things I am not, President of the United States of America is the most shocking and tubular. A man like me, with my deep love of mammon and callous disregard for all life except my own, is as prime a candidate for this most prominent of puppet positions as any hard-drinking Texan party boy or powerful crayon magnate.
So, future loyal subjects, I announce my intention to run for the Presidency of the US.
Sure, some of you may think that as an English national, convicted war criminal and habitual poor person I stand about the same chance of election as Charlie Chaplin's Communist Corpse, but I beg to differ. If my alliterative talents don't nab me the top spot, my seven point campaign strategy based roughly around the musical "Cabaret" will get me in there faster than promising every voter a solid gold peacock which shoots beams of pure love from its tail.

POINT ONE: Money makes the world go around, as we all know. In line with this indisputable fact my administration will allocate over ten billion dollars a year to be committed to volcano-related spending. Our eventual aim is to increase the spin of the earth by 25%, a scheme top industry wags have labelled "beyond all reasoning" and "daring to the point of lunacy".

POINT TWO: A cursory statistical analysis of 1940-1945 shows that war is the single most popular communal activity engaged in by the common prole. As such my administration will be creating new "War Officer" positions in the US and UK. The War Officer's, or "Warro's", duties will include inciting warettes between individuals and communities and bringing about large-scale M.A.D. war with the rest of the world.

POINT THREE: Most politicians arrogantly declare themselves "Men of the people" in order to grease their slimy ascent to high office. I, however, intend to become the first 'Man made of the People' by simply constructing myself a suit made out of the skin of my supporters. It is my fond hope that eventually the suit will develop a life of its own and become my running mate; this also will help net the all-important necromancer vote.

POINT FOUR: Privatise Grass. Many of you will have noticed the poor state the nation's grass is in. Once again the government has shown a complete inability to operate an essential public service with near unlimited funding, leaving our grass little more than a tangled mess of bureaucratic chlorophyll and an archaic root system that would make India blush. With entry into the free market, grass can only improve.

POINT FIVE: I believe very strongly in family values, my administration will seek to re-value the Mother by imposing restrictions on the sale of the Son while simultaneously trading the Father on the free market and stockpiling the Daughter in gigantic warehouses on the moon. No restrictions will be placed on trade of grandparents, but we will seek to artificially increase the interest rates on extended-family debt in order to promote investment in direct relations.

POINT SIX: The following crimes will be hanging offences:
I. Use of the word "Ennui" while discussing literature.
II. Drinking sangrias in the park.
III. Being fourteen years old.
IV. Laminating newsprint.
V. Opening a kinder egg and failing to be surprised.
VI. Ruby Wax.

POINT SEVEN: My administration will seek to "streamline" unnecessary "social components", the "slaughter" of the "elderly, young and infirm" will please the "Dark Lord" greatly. The expected International backlash at our "atrocities" will only occur because the "terrorists" are jealous of our "freedom".

So, next time you're standing in front of a clanking democro-ma-jig trying to remember which candidate hated single mothers the most, screw it all and issue forth your small contribution to the final, fatal kick to the body political. Remember! A vote for Stuart is a vote for sexy government, efficient women and the purging of the dark races!

N.B. Under the "Oh God, No" Act of 1992 I am obliged to inform you that attempting to, actually or considering the possibility of voting for me constitutes a federal offence and carries a minimum custodial sentence of fifteen years encased in carbonite.

Next week: "Madness is never having to hear yourself beg for reason"

Silver SurferGhost

Yes, I had my eye on you, too.

You're actually not very good at this after all, are you?

Dr. Gizmonic

Quote from: "Silver SurferGhost"Yes, I had my eye on you, too.

You're actually not very good at this after all, are you?

Sorry, there's just no pleasing a generation raised on the Chuckle brothers.

Silver SurferGhost

And now you're in my boat, flapping about as pathetically as you post.

Nighty night.

Dr. Gizmonic

Quote from: "Silver SurferGhost"And now you're in my boat, flapping about as pathetically as you post.

Nighty night.

As similies go, I've had better at CWG socials. But I disgress, why the hostility? In the immortal words of every sitcom generic peace-maker  "Can't we all just get along?"

Lt Plonker

Dr. Gizmonic? Your name suggests an affection for this fellow:


Neil

Quote from: "Dr. Gizmonic"As similies go, I've had better at CWG socials. But I disgress, why the hostility? In the immortal words of every sitcom generic peace-maker  "Can't we all just get along?"

He thinks you're the tosser who signed up three different accounts yesterday to troll the board.  I know you're not though.

Dr. Gizmonic

Quote from: "Lt Plonker"Dr. Gizmonic? Your name suggests an affection for this fellow:


Really? I always hoped my name suggested a caring, sensitive academic but also a sort of in-grained toughness and mystery that got the filly's hearts a-meltin'. Rather like Matt Damon's character in that ego trip of a movie I can't remember the name of. Anyway, I take offence at being compared to him. I loathe him.

Neil: Super.

Morrisfan82

Quote from: "Dr. Gizmonic"Really? I always hoped my name suggested a caring, sensitive academic but also a sort of in-grained toughness and mystery that got the filly's hearts a-meltin'. Rather like Matt Damon's character in that ego trip of a movie I can't remember the name of. Anyway, I take offence at being compared to him. I loathe him.
It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

No, it's not your fault...

Fucking shite.

Silver SurferGhost

Quote from: "Neil"
He thinks you're the tosser who signed up three different accounts yesterday to troll the board.  I know you're not though.
Oh, right.
Someone suggested it were probably a wind-up, how terribly amusing.
Ah well, there's (a) troll about, and you really don't look at all promising, Doc.
Or perhaps you're just trying to remind me that I really do love everyone here after all, and I should be grateful.
In which case I humbly thank you, you wanker.

And don't ever PM me again.


Is it only three then Neil, it seems like a lot more.
There can't be that many people who write so consistently badly, unless they're tribute trolls.

smoker

Quote from: "Silver SurferGhost"In which case I humbly thank you, you wanker.

And don't ever PM me again.


oooooooooooooooooo


Silver SurferGhost

Yeah, need a haircut as well, don't I...

I would like to apologise to the innocent in advance, but I'm not going to be nice old Surfey (ah, remember him?) to the newbs anymore,
it ain't worth the hassle.
My criteria is now 10 posts of sensible wordage (even I've managed that) before I will swap innuendos and engage in mild
homosexual flirting with you, or pretend to be your dad.

Ta.

Is that too long for a sig?

Dr. Gizmonic

Quote from: "Silver SurferGhost"Ah well, there's (a) troll about, and you really don't look at all promising, Doc.
Or perhaps you're just trying to remind me that I really do love everyone here after all, and I should be grateful.
In which case I humbly thank you, you wanker.

And don't ever PM me again.

Oh to be an internet tough guy.

Silver SurferGhost

Then simply send me your address, as you seem to love me so, I promise to make the effort.

PS: flap, flap, flap.

imitationleather

Has someone slipped something into my tea or does this thread just not make any sense?

Lt Plonker

Quote from: "Dr. Gizmonic"
Quote from: "Lt Plonker"Dr. Gizmonic? Your name suggests an affection for this fellow:

JOEL HODGSON
Really? I always hoped my name suggested a caring, sensitive academic but also a sort of in-grained toughness and mystery that got the filly's hearts a-meltin'. Rather like Matt Damon's character in that ego trip of a movie I can't remember the name of. Anyway, I take offence at being compared to him. I loathe him.

Neil: Super.

No, it's because of the Gizmonic. Gizmonic Institute was where Joel Robinson worked in Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I thought you'd be a fan of the show with a name like that.

Dr. Gizmonic

I see. And there was me thinking I was original and interesting, instead I'm ripping off a show I've never heard of. Oh machine of man, how your gears do clunk and jam when we think you most efficient.

Silver SurferGhost

Quote from: "imitationleather"Has someone slipped something into my tea or does this thread just not make any sense?
Glad you asked, old stick.

There has been an influx of trolls (or as it quickly became clear) troll to the boards, signing up under various names.
At the same time, Dr Gizmonic starts an unfortunately-timed first thread which makes me suspicious he is said miscreant
(and I'm not the only one who thought so, just the only one daft enough to say so).
Turns out that Dr Gizmonic is not this individual, and at this point I would normally be prepared to apologise publicly,
and those of you in the know will be aware I'm prepared to do that at the drop of a post.

However, I then receive what seems to me to be a condescending, overlong moral lesson in  PM form from the good doctor,
which serves only to only piss me off more, however ironic the intent.
(In future, if you really wanna be friends with someone, try this:
Hi, sorry we got off on the wrong foot, didn't mean anything by it, hope it doesn't affect our future relationship.
To which I and any other right-thinking person would normally reply:
That's alright then mate, let's both be more careful in future.
It's worked for me, and you were about to get one of those from me, Dr G, but unfortunately you sent yours first.)
The result of all this is in-fighting and confusion on the boards, and the troll gets his jollies.
Oh Happy Day.
And I hope we all know who I'm talking about.

And now, as it's Dr Gizmonic's thread, I turn it back to him.
If you'd like to restart it without all this unpleasantness and let this sink, I'm sure the mods will understand.

As for you and I, perhaps it's best we avoid each other for the time being.
As I say, it's mostly a case of getting off on the wrong foot, and indeed mostly my fault,
but unfortunately you have placed me in a position where I feel unable to apologise.
And count yourself lucky, I could have been weekender.

Far as I'm concerned, that is all.

Purple Tentacle


Silver SurferGhost

Oh shit, I hit 'submit' by mistake :winks:

EDIT: I no longer have it to post up, Purps, there was something about unnecessary swearing in it.
"I can't remember more as I read it through a red mist".

Swearing, unnecessary? You won't last long here with that attitude.

Dr. Gizmonic

*coughs*

here you go, chaps.

Quote"In the spirit of those old "Open University" telecasts I'm going to ask a simple question, repeat it and then smile condescendingly.

"Why the attacks? They hurt me deep down in the tiny section of my twisted heart that wanted to watch Care Bears when Thundercats was on. I'm crying now, and not just because I stood on my penknife. If I were a lesser white man or a Libyan I'd strive to hurt you in kin. As I'm not, and because I'm a newcomer and you're an established figure, I advocate a policy of "Talking it out over cake and hard liquor", so how 'bout it? Up for a little Bourbon and Battenberg, or am I going to have to engage you in a war of wits which will only serve to retard any social progress I make on the forums?
Also, when the hell did the Brookeresq Ironic swearing thing become so popular? Sure it's funny to titter at the use of the word "Cunt" or "Wanker" or another delightful out-of-context offensive colloquialisms once or twice, but it lost its zing back when the Ripper was working out his Oedipus over East End scarlet ladies. Why does everything have to be so damn derivative these days?"

Sincerely.
Liege Bastion Anglo (BSc, BA, LMNA, DDRDDRDDR)
x

Sorry you took it that way, Surfies. But it was really only an inquest served with a rich side platter of verbal diarrhoea. No harm intended, I hope no foul.

Silver SurferGhost

As I've now read through that once more I can see buried deep inside there the germ of an
"Hi, sorry we got off on the wrong foot" message. I was too miffed at the time to notice it, so mea culpa
(and that was a test by the way, I thought you might post it if prodded, which was why I lied about not having it any more.
Personally I feel that PMs are PMs and should really be kept that way.
While their content can be alluded to and even justified if necessary on the forums,
it's not necessarily the best policy to post them up.
Just my personal opinion and certainly not Gospel though).

We all like to show off our verbal dexterity, but two or three times per sentence won't win you any friends here
if you're serious about joining our "little family".
Try it just once every other sentence, or even lay off it altogether for a post or two, works a treat I usually find.
Tell us a little about yourself, rather than about how clever you are.
It doesn't even need to be completely true.
I'm no more a beligerent thug, pervert or bewildered old duffer in my real life than I imagine you are a supercillious twat.
So why not let that shine through occasionally, and you can save your comedy aloof intellectual persona for a time
when the other posters have more respect for you and your views.

Of course if you're not serious and just wish to use these fora as a grandstanding showcase
for your (admitted) linguistic talents,
and sod how everyone else feels about that or the hopefully false impression you're creating of yourself,
then feel free to leave as soon as you're able.

In conclusion however, I am very happy to confirm that I no longer believe you to be a troll,
and that this spat has largely been based on a terrible misunderstanding, and is now at an end.
Hopefully peace can now break out between us.

EDIT to add "quotes". mustn't offend the trolls.

Quote from: "Silver SurferGhost"We all like to show off our verbal dexterity, but two or three times per sentence won't win you any friends here
if you're serious about joining our little family.
Sorry. I'm new here. Is it okay to call you a prick? Or will I be frogmarched out of this 'little family'?

Silver SurferGhost

Ah, another one.
Why of course you can my darling,
but only if you allow me to belt you with that wacky little spanner you've been talking about so amusingly.

Quote from: "Silver SurferGhost"Ah, another one.
Why of course you can my darling,
but only if you allow me to belt you with that wacky little spanner you've been talking about so amusingly.
Awwww, you read my post! Shucks. It's nice when the big boys condescend to pay us little 'uns a bit of attention.

Silver SurferGhost

Yes, very little indeed.
Quote from: "Martian Martian"Hello, I'm new-ish. And made from titanium. I make a clanking sound when hit with a spanner.
Come yet?

No?
Come back when you can post more than three sentences, then.
at least Dr Gizmonic is worth locking horns with, you little cuntbubble.


EDIT: composition is everything.

Your tendancy to edit is a worrying symptom of anal retention. You should chill, instead of trying to run the board.  If I'm not worthy of your scorn, save it for someone who gives a shit.

Silver SurferGhost

Quote from: "Martian Martian"tendancy
Tut tut.
Now go back to your Big Book of Insults and come back in five minutes.

Purple Tentacle

I liked it better in the Bomb'd Shelter.

imitationleather

Why is this thread still going? Argh!

Please lock it, Mr Mod.