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Is this the worst Sam Wollaston "review" ever?

Started by Emergency Lalla Ward Ten, April 02, 2007, 04:04:40 PM

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Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

When it comes to well-educated Guardian journalists pretending to be moronic 12 year olds because 'it's only telly', it doesn't get much worse than this:

The Weekend's TV

Guess who's back ... and guess who's not? Don't fear a bit of change, Doctor Who still rules

Sam Wollaston
Monday April 2, 2007
The Guardian

Neeeaaaaaoooow, duh duduh, duh duduh, duh duduh, daaaaah. Duh duduh duh duduh, duh duduh, daaaaah ... Isn't that a welcome sound for a Saturday night, music to the nation's ears. What is it? Are you mad? It's Doctor Who (BBC1, Saturday) of course, the theme tune. No? Wooh waaah, woooooh waaah ...

But wait! There's something missing, not from the theme tune, but from the whole thing. And not just any old thing, but the best thing - leaving a terrifying void, a massive great black hole in the centre of the screen: there's no Rose. Billie Piper's gone.

So here's her so-called replacement, Martha, played by Freema Agyeman. Oh! Well, maybe it's not so bad after all. Bet she can't act though, bet she can't reproduce that chemistry with David Tennant.

There are strange things going on at the hospital where Martha is a medical student. The Doctor is a patient there, for a start. Next the Stig from Top Gear turns up and starts causing trouble (and then another one - two Stigs! I knew it wasn't just one person). It starts to rain upwards outside. Then, before you know it, the whole hospital has been teleported to the moon. And the Doctor and Martha are having a romantic earthlit moment on the balcony. Then he's snogging her! Bloody hell, he's so totally over Rose. OK, so it's not actually a snog snog - it's part of the Doctor's plans to trick the Judoon, the scary space-rhino aliens that are running all over the place. But it certainly looks like a snog snog.

That's it then, the chemistry in place, in episode one. It's almost too quick. But Agyeman is great. If I do have one criticism, it's that she's too much like her predecessor - in the way she speaks, her mannerisms, the way she flirts with the Doctor. I hope as the series goes on, she'll develop more of her own identity. But it'll do for now. Bloody hell, I'm so over Rose too. Billie who, frankly.

Reality TV has created a new type of celebrity that didn't exist 10 years ago. They can be split into two subspecies - those who are desperately trying to climb up the slippery pole for the first time, and those who have been up there, slid down, and now want to scrabble back up. I'm not sure which is sadder. Both groups are represented in Celebrity Wife Swap (Channel 4, Sunday), in which Paul Daniels and Vanessa Feltz trade partners. Sometimes these things produce something of interest, but not this time. Paul Daniels is self-obsessed and weird, Vanessa Feltz is self-obsessed and horrid, the lovely Debbie McGee is quite nice but a bit dull, though probably more interesting than Mr Vanessa Feltz, who's quite young and once had a hit record.

Come on people, if you're going on the telly, you've got to do something - have a fight, say something interesting, anything. But they don't, and I can't be bothered with them. The whole format feels tired now. The only person I feel anything at all for is Paul Daniels's gardener, who one morning finds Vanessa Feltz running across the lawn towards him, throwing herself at him and wrapping herself around him, just because he isn't Paul Daniels. Poor man - not for not being Paul Daniels, but for having Vanessa Feltz wrapped round him.

Ah, How Young Can I Get? (BBC3, Sunday), with Nicky Taylor. I like her. She did a funny programme a while ago about trying - unsuccessfully - to find a boyfriend. I wonder if she'll be better at looking younger.

Yes she is! She gets some expensive creams that don't do a lot, to be honest (we knew they wouldn't - from watching Horizon last week). Then Nicky has some even more expensive botox, plus a skin peel, and the years begin to peel away too.

She's got the rejuvenation bug now, and wants an even more expensive tummy tuck. Everyone advises her against it - her mum, her daughter, the plastic surgery expert, the lady who had a tummy tuck that went wrong (and ended up with a black hole instead of a tummy). And Nicky says screw them all, and goes and has one anyway, in Malaysia. Go girl.

Maybe she'll find a boyfriend now. If you're interested, send me an email and I'll pass it on. I've got her email because I tried - unsuccessfully - to help her get a boyfriend after her last programme.

Watching Persuasion (ITV, Sunday) with my girlfriend (ha! I've got one Nicky), I'm thinking this is what it must be like for her watching football with me. She doesn't see the point of football.

The Mumbler

Do the arts subs at Farringdon Road do any work at all? That read like the work of an alcoholic. A stupid alcoholic rather than, say, Dylan Thomas.

The Doctor Who section is clearly an attempt to cover his back, depending on what the other critics say.

samadriel


A Passing Turk Slipper

I didn't think it was possible for me to like him less. He's just such an awful writer, he comes across as so unlikeable. Definitely one of the worst Wollaston columns I've ever read. 'But it certainly looks like a snog snog.' Just stop it.

mothman

Although I've hitherto been neutral on the whole Wollaston question, the fact that he's the first person I've seen to make an in-hindsight-quite-obvious The Stig joke makes me loathe him utterly. He must die!

Harfyyn Teuport

QuoteWatching Persuasion (ITV, Sunday) with my girlfriend (ha! I've got one Nicky), I'm thinking this is what it must be like for her watching football with me. She doesn't see the point of football.

Are you fucking serious?

CaledonianGonzo

That is fucking awful.  Truy, truly dreadful.

Ciarán2

Genuine question, not meant in a snide way...

Why do you persevere with The Guardian's critics? Because Wollaston and Brooker are regularly kicked on these boards (rightly, in my view). Are The Independent or Times any better at TV criticism? Is The Guardian a kind of barometer or something? Does it have more influence over other papers?

Mr. Analytical

All newspaper TV critics are awful.

Wollaston's particularly bad as he's such a terrible hack and a coward and this is evident week in and week out.

The Mumbler

My bus route to work is interrupted constantly by gargantuan posters for The Guardian, which boasts about how it's "owned by no-one" and "can say anything". "Anything" in cases such as these means "incoherent, ill-informed guff".

But, yes, you\re right, other TV critics on other newspapers are no better. I don't even find Victor in the Standard much cop these days. Shallow is the default setting.

Mr. Analytical

VLS's Standard column is so transparently tired that I really am amazed that a) people still read it and b) that the Standard hasn't replaced him with someone else.

Are there not bloggers who regularly write about TV?  surely there must be someone out there who can do a better job than the pack of wankers we currently have squatting on our TV pages.

CaledonianGonzo

Quote from: "Mr. Analytical"All newspaper TV critics are awful.

Hmmm...I don't always agree with him and he has a lot of love for the Catterick's of this world, but Damien Love of the Sunday Herald is pretty damn good.

Ciarán2

Quote from: "Mr. Analytical"Are there not bloggers who regularly write about TV?  surely there must be someone out there who can do a better job than the pack of wankers we currently have squatting on our TV pages.

http://tv.cream.org and http://www.offthetelly.co.uk are very good, and feature "our own" TJ.

Mr. Analytical

Quote from: "CaledonianGonzo"
Hmmm...I don't always agree with him and he has a lot of love for the Catterick's of this world, but Damien Love of the Sunday Herald is pretty damn good.

 But that's a Scottish paper.  I mean proper newspapers.

Sam

Good lord, that Doctor Who article is truly awful. A 5 year old could have written a better review.

Peking O

I think Emergency Lalla Ward Ten is Wollaston and we're falling into some shiny new marketing trap here. I pick up the international version of the Guardian occasionally and it's alarming to see how quickly the standards are plummeting. A Photograph of Charlie Brooker is regularly on the front cover of the main section whenever he has a piece in G2. And, let's face it, no one needs to see that.

Little Hoover


Mr. Analytical

Brooker also got to write a political column today about how he doesn't like Tories.

rjd2

I know its the worst paper in the world but Ally Ross when bothered can be a quite fun critic, plus he loves to put the boot in Ricky Gervais which is a good thing.

Jemble Fred

Thing is, has anyone here actually contacted The Guardian at all to register their disgust? Perhaps if more young-ish media-whore types (such as many of us) would throw their shit back in their faces, they might get the message and try and employ a few people who don't deserve lethal injections. The frequenters of a Morris forum would be one of their ultimate demographics, surely? And we can see that they're peddling amateurish silage, so why don't they shape up?

The Mumbler

I did reply to one of Wollaston's blog entries on the Guardian site with the words "You're the worst writer in Britain. Yes! Even worse than Ian Hyland".

Thing is, if you're complaining about someone writing in the papers who is rubbish, where on earth do you start and, for that matter, end? Wollaston's awful, but then so are Lucy Mangan and Rachel Cooke and Charlie Brooker and Zoe Williams... and as for the blog writers on Comment is Free: there's no room, not even on the information superhighway, to list their names and respective travesties. I do have a theory that they're giving terrible writers space to write terrible faux-journalism in the hope that someone, just anyone, replies, even if it's just to say, er... "You're the worst writer in Britain. Yes! Even worse than Ian Hyland".

Papers are getting worried that most blog spots on the websites receive almost no replies. Thus, desperation and flippancy in excelsis. Any reaction's better than none. I won't be shocked if emoticons enter the picture by the end of the year.

Dusty Gozongas

Mumbler? That was far too articulate. Well said!

Little Hoover

It suprises me a little that more verbwhores don't try to go into journalism, I mean you'll see more well written, intresting thought provoking writings in throwaway posts by members here than you'll find by most qualified journalists.

Utter Shit

Quote from: "Little Hoover"It suprises me a little that more verbwhores don't try to go into journalism, I mean you'll see more well written, intresting thought provoking writings in throwaway posts by members here than you'll find by most qualified journalists.
I'd say it's beyond doubt that a lot of the fury on here aimed at bad writers comes from failed writers jealous of what they see as success they should have achieved. Then again, it's partially justified - Wollaston really is fucking shit.

I don't agree that Brooker's bad though. Very inconsistent, but at his best he's sublime. Describing ex-Big Brother housemate Roberto as looking like "a cartoon drawing of a foolish horse" is one of the best comparisons I've ever heard, and many of his columns in G2 (though none recently, sadly) are excellent.

P K Duck

Was the original article a sub for Smash Hits? Is there a four-page fold-out poster with all new pix'n'fax about The Doctor and his assistants?

Mind you, with Dr Who recast as a flagship television show now, can we really expect anything better from the reviews?

That is not a slur on the good Doctor and crew, nor a defeatist remark in essence. Just that if the BBC now hawks trivial, broad-demographic, child-friendly light entertainment as platinum product, what effect must that have on the content of reviews?

What Zappa said about rock critics was as much a criticism of the music as the writing, same goes for television: crap on the box, crap in the columns.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Last week, Brooker wrote a column about how he doesn't understand the news. The week before that, he wrote about how he doesn't understand money.

They seem to like employing unthreatening 'everyman' writers who are on the same level as their readers, rather than (heaven forbid) experts who tell you stuff you don't already know.

I used to read Stephen Fry's columns in the 80s and actually be in awe of them. And Fry is hardly superhuman - he was just a funny and clever writer. Is it really unreasonable to expect the same of all the Brookers, Mangans, Williamses, Wollastons, etc?

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Quote from: "Utter Shit"
I'd say it's beyond doubt that a lot of the fury on here aimed at bad writers comes from failed writers jealous of what they see as success they should have achieved.

Yes, that's beyond doubt.

Quote from: "Utter Shit"
Then again, it's partially justified - Wollaston really is fucking shit.

Oh, except when it's you saying it, of course.

Backstage With Slowdive

Quote from: "Emergency Lalla Ward Ten"I used to read Stephen Fry's columns in the 80s and actually be in awe of them. And Fry is hardly superhuman - he was just a funny and clever writer. Is it really unreasonable to expect the same of all the Brookers, Mangans, Williamses, Wollastons, etc?

And remember that at that time Fry was still building his comedy career. Yet he could find spare material to go round. But he wasn't the only one - Ben Elton was banging out the scripts, and the stand-up, and he had a Mirror column for a while....

Far too many people today get by on far too little.

the midnight watch baboon

Aye, Chuck B did claim that he doesn't understand the news but still seems to be the self-elected senior commentator and expert on Gulf War II. He has written some great reviews and articles though, I think. Not for a few years sadly.

Agree that Ally Ross can be fun and rightfully scathing (specially of Extras) but he can be a homophobic twat at times.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Most of the writers on G2 are still shit. Mostly because they're the same ones who were shit 6 months ago and 12 months ago. There's a horrible smug self-satisfaction about it. Plus they're obviously all tories but don't realise it because their parents told them Thatcher was awful.