Patronising Animals

[chimpoo]

I heard that when you pat a Kuala bear on the head they feel patronised and find it condescending.  Maybe they let you know through the eyes, I don’t know.  I’ve no idea if it’s true either, but I liked the idea enough to make this fun game called ‘patronising animals’ (yes, it took me weeks).  Here are the rules:

Pick an animal
Tell us how you patronise it

I’m choosing stick insects.  Here they are:

On the shelf adjacent to their tank I am placing a plain old twig in a goldfish bowl:



Now, this is how I patronise them.  They need to be cleaned about once a fortnight, to replace the privet and wipe the shit up off the floor.  Easily done, right?  Well, from now on I will be carrying this simple task with big laboured breaths and exaggerated arm movements; saying things like, ‘<tut> this is sooo unnecessary’ and ‘can’t you bloody insects clean up after yourselves’ etc.  While my twig, my lovely twig, just sits there patronising his mimetic cousins with his blissful self-sufficiency.  â€˜Ah, lovely twig’, I’ll say whilst gently stroking it’s plastic container.  â€˜You really are the purest representation of all things branch-like.’  Obviously he won’t be able to hear me; don’t be silly, twigs haven’t got ears!  No, instead I’ll have to write it all down on some paper for him to read, which I’ll prop up inside his bowl facing away from the stick-insects.  They won’t be able to read what it says, but they’ll know.  Ah yes, they’ll KNOW.

Anyway, a fun game.  Just remember to bear in mind the fine line between condescension and actual, physical cruelty.  Please call the RSPCA's national 24-hour cruelty and advice line on 0870 55 55 999 if you fuck up a bit.

[Banana Woofwoof]

Hahaha! I think this might be my favourite thread ever.

I patronise my cat by calling her a loser and laughing when she falls off things.  I also hold stuff out of her reach and tell her she'd be able to get it if she wasn't so shit.

[boki]

Hahaha! I think this might be my favourite thread ever.

I patronise my cat by calling her a loser and laughing when she falls off things.  I also hold stuff out of her reach and tell her she'd be able to get it if she wasn't so shit.

Cats have it coming. They're always patronising us, or at least look as if they are.  Don't get me wrong - I like cats - but that doesn't mean they're not bastards.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Koalas aren't bears.

[boki]

I have caught myself talking in some babyish manner to my brother's hamster when I go round to my parent's place and then immediately thinking that's a bit daft seing as he's beyond middle-aged in hamster terms.  He is incredibly stupid at times, though, whilst surprisingly resourceful at others.  He's either schitzophrenic or hamsters are just a bit shit.  I think I'd lean towards the latter if pushed.