What's the stupidest thing you've said whilst having sex?

[P K Duck]

Ohh, that's your dad? I've seen his picture everywhere on the Internets.

[jutl]

I don't think I have ever said anything stupid during the deed, but this does remind me of one of my more recent encounters. I was with a German guy. As he was getting to the point of no return he kept saying 'I'm so horny, I'm so horny!' in a 'SCHNELL!' type voice, which quite frankly I almost farted laughing about.  Then whenever he said 'Oh my God' it came out as 'Oh my Got', which didn't fucking help matters.

Yes, like German humour, German sex noises are best appreciated by other Germans. I once had a German partner who made noises like Peter Sellers' wife in What's New Pussycat. It was grati/terri-fying.

[BadLieutenant]

My first girlfriend was German and I must say, I found her rolling Rs and hard Ch-sounds quite exciting. There's something quite raw and tribal about German. I think it aroused my sub-conscious desire to be a hunter-gatherer and fuck Hitler.

[Jemble Fred]

"So, this is sex then."

[clareQuilty]

Sex with my ex-girlfriend was probably very similar to sex with Hitler. I think noise making is vulgar except for gentle sobbing.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Sex with my ex-girlfriend was probably very similar to sex with Hitler. I think noise making is vulgar except for gentle sobbing.

Well apparently all he wanted was for girls to piss on him...

[Little Hoover]

"Mother!"

It was stupid because I was actually shagging my Dad at the time.

That's very funny, I think I'm going to have to steal that and claim credit for it.

[the midnight watch baboon]

'My go!'

'Umm.. where do you want me to cum?'

[Analrapist]

"1+1=3"

[Evil Knevil]

I must admit I've never bumped uglies with a German lass, but I had an unnerving situation with a Pole* when at the point of climax she let out a heavy, guttural, somewhat smokey;
"WWOOORGHH"
The last syllable collapsed into a kind of wailing and grinding of teeth (sorry, I'm not so good with painting a sound picture).
She asked me afterwards if I hadn't enjoyed it because I hadn't made simular efforts.

* no weak puns please, we're still British

[The Duck Man]

My American housemate is bloody weird. Apparently her and her old boyfriend, because "they didn't have much time to spend together" used to discuss what they'd done that day and have sex at the same time.

Weirder still... the one bloke she's had a one-night stand with since coming to Uni was a bloke from her seminar. They stumbled back to his after a night at the Union - it would have been hers, but I threw an orange at him - and started to discuss their seminar the next day, on the Iraq War. Then, they got down to it but continued to discuss the ongoing situation in the Middle-East.

She informed me yesterday that she bagged her third conquest back in the States, so God knows what she discussed with him.

[Marvin]

At one point I was on a trip aboard with a group of children with learning disabilities, and both myself and my girlfriend were on the staff of the trip and in locum parentis and we had about an hour to ourselves all week, an hour where we had to plan the practicalities of a trip to the mountains and hiring a coach and suchlike, which we obviously did at the same time as having sex. An odd experience.

[Small Man Big Horse]

At one point I was on a trip aboard with a group of children with learning disabilities

For a second there I thought I was about to read the most offensive CAB post ever. But you didn't come through for me, did you.

[Marvin]

At one point I was on a trip aboard with a group of children with learning disabilities

For a second there I thought I was about to read the most offensive CAB post ever. But you didn't come through for me, did you.

I was tempted to go down that road, I knew someone would though.

[samadriel]

"Oo, you're all, uh, squishy today..."
"I have no idea what to say to that."

[Rex_Cramer]

"That's it love... lie back and think of England"

[hoverdonkey]

I say nothing. I'm too busy concentrating on trying to make the whole charade vaguely bearable. Whenever I have sex, I involuntarily picture myself from above and can think of nothing apart from how ridiculous I must look. The whole thing seems almost farcical in my head. Yep. That's right. I'm British and sex is awkward. I'd rather we both just read a book in bed.

[ziggy starbucks]

'dear god, it stinks'

[explodingvinyl]

I say nothing. I'm too busy concentrating on trying to make the whole charade vaguely bearable. Whenever I have sex, I involuntarily picture myself from above and can think of nothing apart from how ridiculous I must look. The whole thing seems almost farcical in my head. Yep. That's right. I'm British and sex is awkward. I'd rather we both just read a book in bed.

Oh for goodness sake. Get over it. No one is watching apart from your partner and they're obviously making sex faces too, so where's the harm? Relax? Word on the street is that sex can be quite good. I've not experienced good sex ever, but I still believe it's out there. Keep the faith and whatnot.

[Captain Crunch]

OR spend a few months doing it in front of a mirror, it will desensitise you I'm sure.

[hoverdonkey]

Well she's pregnant now so the boys did their job, despite my stupid insecurities.

[wheatgod]

"What a moment..."

[ninestonecreature]

Don't recall any particularly daft utterances on my part, but a girl I was once having sex with did utter the immortal phrases 'ooooh, I love the word 'cock', closely followed by 'mmmmm, penetration'. Twas all I could do not to guffaw in her face.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

I can't believe you've all missed this. I'm going to do it just as an educational demonstration.

I've not experienced good sex ever, but I still believe it's out there.

Would you like me to help you experience some?

fnar etc.

[rudi]

"Back of the net!"

Of course not...


"You're my first human..."

[Suttonpubcrawl]

I was looking at the hilariously stupid lists you get on the internet earlier today, you know, things like "50 mistakes women make when having sex" and its male counterpart "50 mistakes men make when having sex". These lists are just amazingly bad, I think that they apply mainly to people who have serious sexual dysfunctions. Anyway, the "mistakes men make when having sex" list had this on it, and I think if I were to follow this advice it would definitely be the stupidest thing I'd said whilst having sex.

19 Entering her without asking her first

What is it with men and these dark, wet places? Just keep in mind that she decides how far sex goes, and if she doesn't want to enjoy intercourse then don't press the point. This applies especially to any strategy that involves nudging your penis into position and then pressing forward without her consent, verbal or otherwise! Having said that, you don't always need to ask "May I enter you?" though it can be a romantic and sexy thing to do if you're looking deep into her eyes. Needless to say, that's most likely to happen in the man on top position, which, by the way, remains everyone's most popular position for sex.

I can imagine no situation in which saying "May I enter you?" could be considered a romantic and sexy thing to do. I mean Jesus christ, the more I read about the kind of sex other people have, the more I realise how fucked up a lot of people are.

[rudi]

I can imagine no situation in which saying "May I enter you?"

Royal Garden Party?

[explodingvinyl]

Would you like me to help you experience some?

fnar etc.

Yes.
It's been a very long time.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

Well, looks like I've pulled. PM me and we'll arrange a date and time for your session. I may even be willing to waive my fee.

See, I said this would be an educational demonstration.

[Vaguely Phallic]

"Hi five!"

"Of course!"

"Classic sex!"

"We're actually having sex!"

"Shall we just call it a day?"

"That's beautiful... and another!"