Please submit a rule for "the country conference games"

[weekender]

Hi Ann Marie.
Can you send me details of the rules for the country conference games please. Apparently I may have stuffed them up in the game I had yesterday. Both sides were obliging, and things turned out well.

Cheers
JB

Please create a rule for me to add to my email reply to JB.  I have no idea what the country conference games are, or what they entail, so please be as obtuse as you like.  I shall start:

1. All team mascots must be made from real animal fur.
2. All players must be between 195 and 200cm in height.

[Jemble Fred]

3. No deep voices allowed in the arena.
4. Any player who causes a fuss must throw a six.
5. Everybody must get stoned.

[actwithoutwords]

6. Aces high.
7. Wearing the colour blue incurs a two shot penalty (apart from the McKinnon exception obviously).
8. See 4.

[Fielding]

9. No heavy petting

[ffogems]

10. All Beatles songs played must be chosen by an independent eh-jude-icator

[Koant]

11. 조승희, 최소한 3ëª... 이상 ì—¬ì,,± 스토í,¹â€¦ìˆ˜ì,¬ 급ì§,,ì ,,
12. ทัวร์เอื้องหลวงพาท่านเที่ยวà¹,,ปในออสเตรเลียกับกลุ่มศิลปิน
13. اÙ,,Ù,,غة اÙ,,عربية هي إحدى أكثر اÙ,,Ù,,غات انتشارا في اÙ,,عاÙ,,Ù...ØŒ يتحدثها أكثر Ù...Ù†
14. Players must be fluent in at least 3 languages, If not, rule 11 applies.

[quadraspazzed]

15. All males over the age of 21 must wear speedos or forfeit one of their six saving throws.

16. Armoured speedos may be used, but they incur a -1 movement penalty.

[ffogems]

17. All participants must, at least once during the week that precedes the games, in the privacy of their own solitary company, rub one stiff finger over their dropping lips and make a *wiggle woggle biggle* noise whilst slapping a nipple against  the ear of a sleeping cat.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

18. All measurements to be made using metric units, except for width which is to be measured in U.S. survey miles.
19. Play cannot stop during rain. If rain begins to fall during a game and is falling at the finishing time of that game, play must continue until rainfall stops.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

17. Please don't post TV shows to this forum or take the piss with downloads, you can embed YouTube vids though

[Jemble Fred]

21. Thou shalt not take the name of the country conference in vain.
22. Inter-team sadism will be punishable by therapy.
23. Never let it slip away.
24. Do not feed officially licensed country conference competitors after midnight.
25. If a competitor is on a green square and the glowing skull is dropped, they must apply the fright mask. If fright masks get lost, replacements made from blue tac will not qualify for international standard.

[Goldentony]

26.  Teams consist of -

1 Quaterback
1 Catcher
1 Funkmaster Flex
1 Megaman
3 Delightful Women  distractions
1 swordsman
1 man of steel
1 man of the hour
2 david letterman power machines
1 nude
1 sex machine

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

94. All rules must be listed in numerical order.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

42. All persons more than a mile high to leave the court.

[Goldentony]

27. The  trophy at the end of the season must be fought for in the previously mentioned underground caverns, the caverns will be deserted of all non-football players, each team will be given a simple warrior pack including -

horned helmet
loincloth
sword
flask of pepsi
disguise moustache

[no_offenc]

26. Any and all impersonations of Alan Alda will be met with brute force.

[Jemble Fred]

28. Would all megamen please return whatever soiled wedges they've accumulated to the soiled wedge conservatory.
29. There is no 'country conference games'.
30. All participants should be warned that they must be home for bed at 8.

[Goldentony]

31. 14 players is the regular team size, if the kobashi elimination is in place for the remainder of a games time, 75% of the dominant team will be removed from play and boxed off in zone J. If a team scores 79 points before the end of the first Third, then BONUS MAZE is activated

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

32. We do not talk about the country conference games
33. There is no rule 33
34. No poofters
35. We do not talk about the country conference games
36. All the above rules must be reversed on every third Tuesday

[Jemble Fred]

55. Friday is 'Go Mad Friday'. All participants must take every precaution to ensure that they do not really go mad.
56. Don't try to live your life in one day, don't try and waste your time away.
57. When leaving the amphitheatre, please respect our neighbours and don't sleep with their daughters unless you've been on at least eight dates.
58. No bodywarmers.

[Oscar]

37. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to create a Country Conference posse. Any use of "rap lyrics" or "gang hand gestures" will result in immediate removal from the vicinity of other persons.

[MissInformed]

39. Losing teams will have their letter boxes urinated through.  Those without letterboxes, or whose postal addresses cannot be traced, will be disembowelled and have their knees stapled together.

Sheepnote: "39" because of the extra "26" between 27 and 28...and don't forget to skip over 42, 55-58, and 94.  :-)

If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing anally.

Well, most things.

[weekender]

40. If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing anally.

[Vaguely Phallic]

72. If no fox is ultimately found it must be vigorously denied by all contestants that a fox was the target. Instead, the nearest mulberry bush is to be greeted with victorious body language and vocabulary (examples of which are given in Appendix ii).

73. Remember to bring a pocket-sized mulberry bush for goodness sake.

[Ambient Sheep]

40. If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing anally.

:-D

[weekender]

Thanks everyone.  Final email version can be found here:

http://week.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/CCG.rtf

I've edited out the email addresses, but they were Australian so I *think* they're sort of getting up for work at this time.  Hopefully this means they'll have a big panic and stuff, and I'll have an email reply from them for you tomorrow.  I used my Hotmail account but have changed the display email name so hopefully it looks genuine.

Feel free to add more rules as you see fit, and in the unlikely event that I get a response, I'll try and crowbar them in my reply.

[rudi]

32. No referring to people as Anne-Marie
33. No one can leave the field of play for ANY REASON until the game has ended, nor may a physio enter said field.
34. No Irish, no blacks (that's a real rule in the countryside anyway).

[Catalogue Trousers]

57. Always remember, NOT EVERYBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY CONFERENCE GAMES

[biniput]

65  Millipeeds cannot be referred to or spoken of or inferred during the WONGAS period.
66  All scores conducted over a length of the pitch of less than an inch long score 3 times normal Supa-sava points.
67  During any power play (after dinner) Arm extensions up to 30 feet are allowed.

[biniput]

68  Any femail enduring her periods during play are awarded 30 mearly for turning up.
69  Entire "Period Squads" can be employed and if any team achieves all femail - all period teams then automatically win if the oposition do not do the same.
70  Any blood spilt by the period players looses any WONGAS period and any bonus points.  This is reversed if all players, during play, go through thier period AND continue moving about.