The Green-Eyed Bastard

[Jemble Fred]

Is jealousy in a relationship really a male domain, do you think? Or at least, strong jealousy? Would Desdemona have been quite as piqued if somebody had waved Othello's lipstick-coated pants in her face?

Are there any other whores out there who are completely lovely, sane types, but find it very very difficult not to turn into unbelievable angels of wrath when love rears its head? And do you feel it even more if a relationship shatters, and you're still somehow forced to keep in touch with the ex?

And most importantly, if anyone else out there does suffer from this AFFLICTION, does anyone have any tips about how to deal with it?

Questions all!

[petula dusty]

I never thought it was a male domain. For me, jealousy is all down to insecurity and I always fall foul of it. I haven't been so insanely jealous that it's destroyed the relationship though. It's more an underlying feeling of not being good enough and worrying that they're just biding time until something better comes along.

My solution has been to give up on relationships altogether as I have appalling taste in men and am tired of my trust being betrayed. I really cannot imagine being in a relationship again. I still feel jealous if I know exes are in other relationships and all loved up but I work on focussing on the good parts of my life rather than what other people have got.

My advice would be to work on your self-esteem and tell yourself that you deserve to be loved.  Sorry  if that sounds unbearably Dr Phil-ish.

[Mr. Analytical]

I'm not in the least bit jealous.  My last relationship effectively ended with my ex going off and sleeping with other people whilst on holiday.  Though that didn't really bother me all that much.

I'm just not particularly possessive or insecure in that respect.

If I wasn't so completely apathetic and unambitious when it comes to sex I'd have the right kind of personality to be a swinger.

[squinky]

I'm an unspeakably jealous person, not only in terms of love but in almost every walk of life - I get jealous of other people's achievements, their successes, their amusing stories og bad things that have happened to them, their slightly-more-interesting-than-mine mental illnesses... I think you get the idea.

If I had any tips on how to get some sort of perspective then I would have used them by now, though, I'm afraid.

[Jack Shaftoe]

Well at the risk of sounding a bit Oprah, jealousy is a useful motivation to push you to working a bit harder, whether it's professional or romantic. If you're truly jealous of someone's achievements (rather than being annoyed that someone else was just slighly luckier than you), you probably know deep down it's something you could have done yourself, but for whatever reason, weren't going that extra mile...

[wheatgod]

I'd feel odd if I was totally devoid of jealousy - its just logical, if you care about someone or something, you'd rather it didn't fall into enemy hands.
But, that said, having jealously rampaging inside your brain is far from healthy. Like alcohol or message boards, moderation is important.

[Mr. Analytical]

you probably know deep down it's something you could have done yourself, but for whatever reason, weren't going that extra mile...

 There's an unhealthy version of that though.  Sitting in the pub and saying "I don't write but if I did I'd write a fuck's sight better than you do"

 I have professional jealousy, a day doesn't go by without me reading some review and marveling at how its author completely missed the point/expressed himself poorly/has the wit and perspicacity of someone who habitually uses Lithium but my complete lack of faith in my own networking skills prevents me from engineering the opportunity to show that I review a fuck's sight better than the person currently doing the job.

 But none of this translates into possessiveness when it comes to women.

[Goldentony]

edit

[Smackhead Kangaroo]

Why did you marry her?

It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time...

[Xander]

My girlfriend is currently having coffee and cake with one of my mates because he's a bit upset about a lass. And although I keep checking the time, wondering when she's going to call me to come to town, I'm not in the least bit jealous.

...they're shagging, aren't they...?

[Jemble Fred]

No, it's alright, I was looking for Dr Phil-ish stuff. I don't really have the professional jealousy thing â€" even without any notable success, I'm afraid I'm just pretty secure about my abilities (or, of course, lack of them). It's just the romantic thing. Same old pattern â€" weeks of having my self-esteem almost uncomprehendingly built-up, then just when I start to believe the flattery things go wrong and I start asking too many questions (I should point out I'm not actually abusive in such situations, verbally or physically â€" and I've never strangled my wife at the suggestion of a colleague...).

But anyway, am feeling a lot more chipper than I was when I started the thread, what with business over and the sun shining and this enormous piece of smoking paraphernalia nestling next to me.

Cheers GROUP!

[Milo]

Jealousy and possessiveness is the only thing that literally makes me feel like killing people. It really gets that strong. Not in the way that you might say, "I'd like to kill that fucker who knocked off my wing mirror" but actual, real killiness.

It is most unhealthy.

[Deadman97]

If you fancy it JF, I could fuck her right up for £50. She won't be pretty for much longer. If you can't have her etc etc.

[micanio]

I used to be really bad. My wife/girlfriends wouldn't be allowed to go out without me and if they did, it invariably ended up in a massive argument when they came over the littlest thing..... I used to try and justify it to myself, but in the end I decided I was being a massive dick as theyweren't doing anything wrong (I think). Possesiveness to nth dgree.

It was onbly after a coupe of years of marriage that it finally dawned on me that I have to trust my wife; after all, what was the point of getting married? (Apart from the big party and all the presents.....). Nowadays, I'm not bothered at all. My wife loves me, I love her and she can do what she likes (within reason obv.) I trust my wife implicitly now and I think she feels the same way. There is no room for jealousy or possesiveness in a relationship. If you don't trust someone enough to be comfortable with them doing their own thing, then IMO you're in the wrong relationship.

[mrlizard]

My wife/girlfriends wouldn't be allowed to go out without me and if they did, it invariably ended up in a massive argument when they came over the littlest thing

In which case you may have been justified... :P

[samadriel]

I never thought it was a male domain. For me, jealousy is all down to insecurity and I always fall foul of it. I haven't been so insanely jealous that it's destroyed the relationship though. It's more an underlying feeling of not being good enough and worrying that they're just biding time until something better comes along.

My solution has been to give up on relationships altogether as I have appalling taste in men and am tired of my trust being betrayed.

That's the spirit!

[Banana Woofwoof]

I don't get jealous for some reason.  Sorry.

[rudi]

My massive ego ensures I don't get jealous.

ED: and the huge phallus too, natch. Ahem

[Small Man Big Horse]

I don't get jealous either, I don't know why.

Edit: I do get massively insecure because of my tiny cock though.

[petula dusty]

I never thought it was a male domain. For me, jealousy is all down to insecurity and I always fall foul of it. I haven't been so insanely jealous that it's destroyed the relationship though. It's more an underlying feeling of not being good enough and worrying that they're just biding time until something better comes along.

My solution has been to give up on relationships altogether as I have appalling taste in men and am tired of my trust being betrayed.

That's the spirit!

Yeah, that does sound a bit moany and bitter doesn't it? But it's not that I think all men are gits I just seem to get involved with ones that are. So after I found out I was pregnant last year and the father didn't want to be involved I decided enough's enough and to stop searching for a non-git and to concentrate on me and my children instead. I am happier than I've been in a long, long time now.

[Toad in the Hole]

Being happy on your own (well, not in a relationship) is an impossibly valuable attribute.  Though, of course, you have your lovely brood of offspring to ward off the loneliness, PD.

I like to think I'm not particualrly jealous (I keep it under control, at any rate), but I still seem to get the classic "It's not you, it's me" rather too often.  Ho hum.

[petula dusty]

Yeah, but it probably is them because you're great. Look in the mirror and say 'I'm great!' at least three times a day. Then, because you're great you will attract the ladies but if it doesn't work out that's alright because you'll still be great.


I need to lie down after all that positivity. Is that even a word?

[Toad in the Hole]

Yep that's a word.

Beautiful cyclical logic.  But how does one avoid the situation when, even though you know you're great, you attract the ladies and it's always them?  It does make one feel slightly less great.

I'm off to look in the mirror.

Enjoy your lie down!

[Edit for stylistic pedantry]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

So are we discussing possessiveness or jealousy? I can see how someone could be possessive without being jealous at all.

I think I'm naturally predisposed to be possessive but I've know that it's not a good thing so I'm a good boy and let the feelings chew up inside me, never to be exploded upon the outside world. It's the polite thing to do. Plus my default position tends to be "She's with me, she won't be up to anything, and what's to gain from worrying?" which you could say is foolhardy, but on the upside it means I rarely feel jealous or threatened. On the downside, sometimes it comes across like I don't care enough. Sort of like what Mr. Analytical said.

[Hypnotoad.]

Being happy on your own (well, not in a relationship) is an impossibly valuable attribute.

I think this is spot on, my one major relationship which failed did so because I was utterly dependant on my other half, and had fuck all self esteem or even friends/interests outside of it

I tried the whole rebound thing, hoping to piggy back someone elses life and interests, but it ended in disaster again as I got myself into all sorts of knots worrying about nothing

Ultimately it was all about building my own life and being happy on my own, with a few friends, and having my own hobbies and interests, basically not being reliant on someone else for happiness, only then can you really think about seeing someone else seriously without the baggage of being unhealthily needy of someones attention

[rudi]

I totally trust my partner while we're an item, then, if I was wrong to do so, well - she's a liar and I wouldn't want to be with her anyway.

Same with confessions - unless you're actually having an affair I have nothing to gain from a tearful confession of minor indiscretions. Keep it to yourself, eh?

People are dubious of my position, but it's always worked for me...

[clareQuilty]

You've got to be your own dog, don't let anybody put a leash on you.

I don't ever get jealous, which is probably why my relationships don't work. You need a little bit to keep things ticking over. I just exude apathy which isn't exactly an aphrodisiac or likely to inspire a great deal of self-worth in my ladies.

Even when I think they're the shit. I blame too much marijuana as a younger man (and the films of Richard Linklater).