Biggest thwunt you knew at school?

[TC Raymond]

This isn't a topic about school bullies, but rather the thick gits whose endless slow-witted buffoonery and bumbling Joeyness made you feel guilty for laughing at them.

There were three in my class at middle school, and they always went round in a gang. One of them turned out in later life to be gay, which most of us had already surmised anyway, but that's by the by. Their names were Robert, Simon and Stephen, and I want you to picture them respectively as a dead ringer for Sidney from the Bash Street Kids, a juvenile Jackie Charlton complete with lickspittle 'comb-over' and Verne Troyer in his younger days with a Beatle wig. Simon was the snippy little 'Spoilt Bastard' type, Robert was the stink-of-piss one with fleas (oh, how cruel children can be) and Stephen was their whipping boy, who only hung around with them because they were his ONLY FRIENDS.

Although I could fill a book with their cunterous exploits, one particular incident springs to mind and that is when a rumour spread around the school that Robert, then aged eleven, had "shagged a girl".
An audio tape existed to prove it, and those who'd heard it were convinced that Robert had indeed broken his duck.
Simon and Stephen wouldn't shut up about it. Robert was their hero, the big man, the coolest kid in the school, and even the ever-gullible younger kids could be seen trailing the flares-and-kipper-tie-wearing scruffpot around the playground, in search of ever more detailed descriptions of the dirty deed. Simon and Stephen, eyes popping, would offer breathless recitals of the highlights of the tape to the curious. Naturally, those of us who couldn't imagine anything with a pulse wanting to sleep with 'spazmo nitbag' were a tad cynical about the whole business, so I asked Robert if I could borrow the tape one lunchtime. He agreed.

I played the tape on my crap mono Aiwa tape deck and what leaked out of the speakers continues to haunt and amuse me to this day. A loud electrical hum with tinny 'boing whacka-cha' seventies fuzz-funk music bobbling beneath the din caused by holding a cheap tape deck's microphone up to a television speaker. (You know where I'm going with this.)

Yes, Robert had gone to his crap mate Clive's house while his parents were out, held a tape deck up to the TV and played one of Clive's dad's porno videos.

Had he left it at that, he might have escaped with credibility intact, and made a tidy few pence loaning the tape out to curious junior pervs, for a fee of course.
But Robert being Robert, he just had to 'gild the lily'.

When the woman in the porn film started going "Ugh, unh, uh, oh yeah, yeah, feels so good", Robert started joining in with "Ugh, uh, uhh"s of his own. I could hear Clive giggling in the background. Then when the woman in the video panted "Now shove that thing up my ASS", Robert's thicko voice uttered the immortal words...

"Dur, alright then".

I nearly collapsed with fucking laughter. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to take the piss out of him when I got back to school. It would've been like telling a four year old that Santa doesn't exist. Besides, I got a bloody good stand-up routine out of it...

[duckorange]

"]"Dur, alright then".

This made me do many LOLs.

I am reminded of Michael Steele (last seen touting for business in the back streets of Soho), keeper of the great porno collection and master(bator) of the School Wanking Club.

Alas, the club took place during breaks and after hours in the school darkroom, in our shoddily-built science block, which had walls like paper.

The darkroom was next door to the staff room, where, I was subsequently told, they heard every grunt, groan, "Ooh, that's over six inches", "Give me the Fiesta you selfish bastard" and "I'm cumming!" he and his equally deviant 'friends' uttered.

When he was rumbled he tried to jump off the sports hall roof, but missed.

[Mr. Analytical]

"]Besides, I got a bloody good stand-up routine out of it...

 What is this, fucking Parky?

 It's a sad day when Verbwhores are reduced to cannibalising comedy bits they've written in a desperate attempt to find something to talk about.

[TC Raymond]

"]Besides, I got a bloody good stand-up routine out of it...

 What is this, fucking Parky?

 It's a sad day when Verbwhores are reduced to cannibalising comedy bits they've written in a desperate attempt to find something to talk about.

Well, pardon fucking me! It's not like I'm still doing stand-up, is it? I did my last gig in 1995. Something I wish Peter fucking Kay had in common with me.

[TC Raymond]

I am reminded of Michael Steele...

The Michael Steele I'm familiar with is a woman!



In the Bangles she was. Bass player.

[mothman]

Rrrowwwrrr.

[Space ghost]

"]Besides, I got a bloody good stand-up routine out of it...

 What is this, fucking Parky?

 It's a sad day when Verbwhores are reduced to cannibalising comedy bits they've written in a desperate attempt to find something to talk about.

Christ!

I enjoyed reading TC Raymonds story, there's really no need to be like that about it.

[Sherringford Hovis]

The darkroom was next door to the staff room

Thought I recognised some of the details in this tale of woe-nanism, confirmed when I clicked your profile.

I nearly lost a job last year because I spent so long reading this man's stuff when I should have been working. You should too - it's far too nice outside right now to be employed.

[Mr. Analytical]

"]

Well, pardon fucking me!

 Nah, you're alright, I was just being silly.  Good story, is it really true or is it stand-up true?

[TC Raymond]

Good story, is it really true or is it stand-up true?

It's absolutely true. The three of them were as thick as bastard SHIT.

I drew a comic strip featuring the three of them the other day, I'll scan it and post it up here soon, I promise.

Another nutter I knew at school (secondary school) was called Damian. During one art lesson, the teacher left the room and was gone for ages, during which time the lesson degenerated into a paint fight. A huge blob of yellow paint (flicked by a kid called Lee) hit Damian right above the eye, and he stormed out of the room in a rage. A couple of minutes later he came back, holding one of his own turds in his hand. He threw it across the room, it missed Lee by inches and hit the window. I can still hear the stunned silence as it slid down the pane...

[duckorange]

I nearly lost a job last year because I spent so long reading this man's stuff when I should have been working. You should too - it's far too nice outside right now to be employed.

Sorry about that, and now my dreadful D-list minor web celebrity is out. You could save yourself a lot of on-screen job woe by simply buying the book.

*cough*

Names an' that frequently changed to protect the innocent.

Errr.... nothing.

[rudi]

I seem to recall Mr Biffo praising your site somewhere/time too...

[Steve Lampkins]

Woah, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you ended up here, but I still am. Well, I won't get all sycophantic. I do like your writing though.

[duckorange]

"Ta."

[TC Raymond]

I knew I had it here somewhere...



Enjoy!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Good work [banned troll]! :)

But who was that inexorably charmless makak at the end? I want to give him a slap round the feelings, the big twat.

[squinky]

Thanks, [banned troll]. I laughed far harder than I was expecting to at, 'his silence condemned him'.

But, yeah, I can only assume that the twattish last frame was deliberate.

[TC Raymond]

But, yeah, I can only assume that the twattish last frame was deliberate.

Of course it was. A recurring theme of my comics is my compulsive desire to present myself in as poor a light as possible, like an exaggerated Goodies-style version of myself. I should have pointed this out really...my bad.

In real life I'm quiet, polite, respectable and even rather charming on occasion, I save all the objectionable hateful shit for the comics.

[The Widow of Brid]

"]
Of course it was. A recurring theme of my comics is my compulsive desire to present myself in as poor a light as possible, like an exaggerated Goodies-style version of myself. I should have pointed this out really...my bad.

In real life I'm quiet, polite, respectable and even rather charming on occasion, I save all the objectionable hateful shit for the comics.

You are (at the very least heavily influenced by) Robert Crumb and I claim my freckled Zaftig Valkrie.

[TC Raymond]

You are (at the very least heavily influenced by) Robert Crumb and I claim my freckled Zaftig Valkrie.

I don't know what you mean.



Oh what a giveaway.

[Johnny Yesno]

Besides, I got a bloody good stand-up routine out of it...

You are Ricky Gervais and I claim my singed copy of Politics.

[TC Raymond]

Besides, I got a bloody good stand-up routine out of it...

You are Ricky Gervais and I claim my singed copy of Politics.

Consider my feelings hurt.

[trotsky assortment]

"]

I am reminded of Michael Steele...

The Michael Steele I'm familiar with is a woman!

(picture)

In the Bangles she was. Bass player.

I was never entirely convinced she was female, y'know...