Reasons why you're going to Hell

[duckorange]

I have been told - on many occasions - that I am going to Hell when I cark it.

Today, for example: The Northern Ireland Devolution ceremony, where Paisley, McGuinness, Blair and Aherne all stood sombrely on a large Stormont staircase while a group of kids with learning difficulties signed along to boy-band staple "You Raise Me Up" in the Napoleon Dynamite 'Happy Hands' stylee.

A beautiful expression of triumph over adversity, or, to me, the funniest thing I have seen all week.

I am indeed as sick, sick puppy and destined for The Other Place.

Oh, and all those Deadly Sins what I've done.

You?

[Small Man Big Horse]

Well, I'm an athiest for one thing, which doesn't bode well. I'm a fat bastard, so gluttony won't impress God if he exists, and, er, I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break. Also I stole as a child, and I've not respected my mother or father a lot of the time (though to be honest they haven't deserved much respect).

I'm sure there are other fairly minor things that I've done which were morally dubious, so it looks like I'm screwed. Or at least would be if there were a hell of course.

[The Region Legion]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend

Bloody hell, talk about adding insult to injury.

[aaaaaaaaaargh!]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break.

It's sort of adultery and ass coveting rolled into one.

[Sam]

I'm also an atheist and also stole when I was young. Also, I've lied quite a lot.

[quadraspazzed]

I once made a Christian friend run off and cry with 'atheist-logic' when I was about 19 and convinced another that Jesus probably didn't exist. I'm sure that cannot bode well with the man upstairs.

Also, Thou Shalt Not Steal. Several hundred gigs of downloaded music, comedy and documentaries would suggest I'm pretty fucked on that score.

And I farted in the 'Tomb of Christ' in Jerusalem, that's gotta be a no-no. I'm sure entertaining extremely rude thoughts about some of the hot Italian Christian tourists praying in front of the 'Manger of Christ' in Bethlehem will have been noted too. And lest Allah be the God I've got to worry about, there were plenty of similar thoughts running around my mind upon espying the many lovely Muslim ladies of Palestine - and this during Ramadan too!

I'm fucked basically.

REPENT! REPENT!

[Lady Beaner]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break.

Yep you are going to hell for that one. Especially since I know you and now have an image of you giving it to some poor girl up the shitter. My retinas are burning...

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break.

It's sort of adultery and ass coveting rolled into one.

Superb!

[duckorange]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break.

Yep you are going to hell for that one. Especially since I know you and now have an image of you giving it to some poor girl up the shitter. My retinas are burning...

On that score, laughing at Special Kids only gets me into the first level of the Underworld. I've got some catching up to do.

[Oscar]

I have a Authentic Face From The Turin Shroud doormat

I have a small collection of china dogs in  entertaining poses, that I worship as Gods and leave offerings for.

I don't work for six days of the week, but on sundays, me and the alien within my gates get together and build chicken coops to sell by the roadside. We do a roaring trade.

However, I am well connected and won't be going to Hell.

[SOTS]

I'm a FAG ENABLER.

[Sheldon Finklestein]

Edit: Whoops, double post.

[Sheldon Finklestein]

I'm a FAG ENABLER.

Laugh Out Loud. Doesn't that despicable phrase make it sound as if you've just lent someone a lighter? And it does raise the point that, if the Westboro Baptist Church are going to heaven, you might prefer to take your chances with hell.

[Robot DeNiro]

I've appeared on stage dressed as Jesus, on a cross.  At the same time a CD was playing a 'hilarious' song I'd written about child abuse and a male friend dressed as the Virgin Mary was pretending to fellate me.  Do I win?

I'm not proud of this by the way, but in my defence it was the early noughties and daaaaark comedy was all the rage.  I'm an atheist, but I distinctly remember waking up the next morning with a horrible realisation that I'd burnt my bridges.

The headmistress said it was the best nativity she'd ever seen etc etc

[Defikon]

I have been told - on many occasions - that I am going to Today, for example: The Northern Ireland Devolution ceremony, where Paisley, McGuinness, Blair and Aherne all stood sombrely on a large Stormont staircase while a group of kids with learning difficulties signed along to boy-band staple "You Raise Me Up" in the Napoleon Dynamite 'Happy Hands' stylee.

God shouldn't have fucking spazzed them up in the first place!

[chocky909]

I have been told - on many occasions - that I am going to Today, for example: The Northern Ireland Devolution ceremony, where Paisley, McGuinness, Blair and Aherne all stood sombrely on a large Stormont staircase while a group of kids with learning difficulties signed along to boy-band staple "You Raise Me Up" in the Napoleon Dynamite 'Happy Hands' stylee.

God shouldn't have fucking spazzed them up in the first place!

Good point well made.

[Sovereign]

I once telephoned a death threat to a priest, he had his number written on the outside of the church, and yeah I'm not proud of it and I think it gaurentees my place in the lake of fire.

[ccbaxter]

I lied when I was seventeen, but I believe that carries a slightly lighter (if soggier) sentence.

[clareQuilty]

Listening to Travis is hellish enough.

[wherearethespoons]

When I used to do a paper round, one day, I stupidly stupidly read a few pages inside a Daily Mail. I regret it to this very day - this is my first confession.

Is there any way I can bargain my way out of it? Maybe instead I'll be reincarnated as a Mail reader. Given , the choice is hell that bad?  It's given a lot of bad press, it's probably not that bad - you'll expect it to be terrible thus being taken completely by surprise when you arrive.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break.

Yep you are going to hell for that one. Especially since I know you and now have an image of you giving it to some poor girl up the shitter. My retinas are burning...

Hello you. Sorry for putting that image in your head btw. In my (admittedly shaky) defence they hadn't been together that long, and she climbed in to my bed when I was trying to sleep and the next thing I knew she was naked and, well, her hands were everywhere to put it one way. The only reason it was anal sex was that we didn't have any condoms and so she suggested we do it that way too. But I really do regret it. I felt shit about it the next morning and I do to this day, and it's honestly the worst thing I've done in my life, and the one thing I truly wish I hadn't done.

Reading the above, I've just made you feel even more ill by giving you even more details haven't I LB. Ahem. Sorry.

[ccbaxter]

I once had anal sex with my friend's girlfriend (over ten years ago, and it's the thing I regret the most in my life, but alas it did happen), and I'm sure that's one of the commandments tha you shouldn't break.

Yep you are going to hell for that one. Especially since I know you and now have an image of you giving it to some poor girl up the shitter. My retinas are burning...

Hello you. Sorry for putting that image in your head btw. In my (admittedly shaky) defence they hadn't been together that long, and she climbed in to my bed when I was trying to sleep and the next thing I knew she was naked and, well, her hands were everywhere to put it one way. The only reason it was anal sex was that we didn't have any condoms and so she suggested we do it that way too. But I really do regret it. I felt shit about it the next morning and I do to this day, and it's honestly the worst thing I've done in my life, and the one thing I truly wish I hadn't done.

Reading the above, I've just made you feel even more ill by giving you even more details haven't I LB. Ahem. Sorry.

You're not fooling anyone.
And pride is also a deadly sin.

[Small Man Big Horse]

You're not fooling anyone.
And pride is also a deadly sin.

That's really not true. To be honest, this being verbwhores, I thought it'd be seen as a minor faux pas considering some of the evil things that have been confessed here in the past.

[ccbaxter]

Sorry, just joshing.
If it makes you feel any better, I'll raise you a "sex with my brother's girlfriend" confession (boringly missionary, mind) and see if that pushes you back a place in the queue for those fiery furnaces.

[duckorange]

...bumsex...

Reading the above, I've just made you feel even more ill by giving you even more details haven't I LB. Ahem. Sorry.

And ever so slightly aroused.

[Lady Beaner]

I felt shit... the next morning and I do to this day....

Well, that'll teach you to not wash your cock afterwards won't it?

[Artemis]

If you have sex with someone who's married, did you commit adultery or did they? If it's the former, I'm going to hell. Then there's the lies, theft, sex, lust, anger,  pride, blasphemy, and atheism.

I watch and occasionally enjoy American Idol, too.

[evelyn_blake]

My old house-mate once condemned me after I punctured a reverential silence that ensued, after he sighed a bizarrely sisterly sort of sigh, as Gail Porter came on the TV. I just observed ‘I quite fancy bald women but her with no hair just looks slightly haggard’. This prompted him to scowl at me like he’s trying to portray a character called Scarlett and unjustly sentence me to toil in an infernal lack of altitude. This seemed like an overreaction to me- then he added ‘I’ve had relatives die of cancer’. He continued vehemently insisting that his diagnosis was correct until we found evidence in the form of a Woman’s Weekly, he was preoccupied with disease though- and he spoke and acted like a cartoon tumour.

   I think from that moment 70% of our interaction was me nodding towards any bald blokes in the vicinity and tutting ‘Cancer’ and him again murmuring assurances that I was persisting in being damned.

[Emma Raducanu]

Looks like heaven will be a lonely place for me.

[Sam]

The only reason it was anal sex was that we didn't have any condoms and so she suggested we do it that way too.

Out of curiosity, what did you use for lube? It seems odd that you had anal sex for practicality when anal sex is often inherently impractical. It also seems odd you would have lube to hand but not condoms. Unless of course you used, ahem, natural lubrication.