Devise soap storylines that will never happen

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

After watching Hollyoaks as I seem to a couple of times every fortnight, I stumbled upon a rather well worn soap storyline of two young lovers deciding to make a break for it and run away. What's painful these days in soaps is that you can see where a storyline is going about 5 minutes after it starts. These two people are going to find it difficult and then eventually give up and come home crying.

I decided to watch the day after in order to reinforce my own smugness, and predictably enough, the female protagonist stumbled over her sleeping bag and scratched herself with a rusty nail (are there any other kinds), meaning she now requires medical assistance, putting a dampener on the whole 'running away' dream.

What I'd prefer to have seen is an utterly well-planned and well-thought out running away scenario where it actually worked, and the two of them forged a successful new life in America or somewhere, handing out pamphlets for museums.

But instead you have this tickbox moralising in order to get through 'teen issues' with the usual "have you wanted to do a runner from the crumblies???!!! call dis number!!" during the credits.

Also, whenever a certain character develops a gambling problem, they always get into debt, start stealing, and then have a breakdown. I'd love it for a soap to have a storyline where the gambling addict wins big and goes on a spending spree, perhaps actually rubbing banknotes in the face of their critics (in spite of the utterly amoral message given out that "Hey look, Gambling works!").

Make up some storylines on familiar soap themes that have an unusual twist to them.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

A girl cooks a lovely three-course dinner for her boyfriend, including tall red candles and napkins and everything. The boy comes home, and they sit down and enjoy a nice meal together, with no food burned and no affairs sensationally revealed, and they have an early night.


A happily married couple stay that way.


A group of characters go on a trip to a forlorn and barren location, for some reason. Their car breaks down, but obviously they've all got mobile phones and breakdown recovery, so that's alright then.


Two inappropriately matched people have an ill-advised one-night stand. He remembers to wear a condom, she remembers her pill, she doesn't get pregnant, no one finds out about it and there are no consequences.


A cute baby is left in a basket on a doorstep, to be discovered with shock the next morning by one of your favourite characters. A few weeks later the distraught young mother comes back - only to find that

Spoiler alert

Dot Cotton has cooked and eaten the baby within a few hours of finding it.

[close]

etc.

[SetToStun]

Massive hydrogen bombs fall on certain parts of East London, Greater Manchester, Liverpool and rural Yorkshire. The fucking end.

[Jemble Fred]

A chinese family moves in to the square.

[Hank_Kingsley]

So 'Threads: The Soap Opera' then? I'd watch that.

Why not have the characters in 'Eastenders' start swearing and talking about football? Everyone knows that's what working class people in London really do.

[Morrisfan82]

A chinese family moves in to the square.

After the fiasco of Neighbours' Chinese family, this plot will definitely never happen in a soap opera again.

How about: broke young Jack-the-lad comes up with a get-rich-quick scheme, ropes his gullible friends into it... and ends up doing quite nicely out of it with no unfortunate repercussions.

[buttgammon]

So 'Threads: The Soap Opera' then? I'd watch that.

Why not have the characters in 'Eastenders' start swearing and talking about football? Everyone knows that's what working class people in London really do.

I agree about that swearing, but they do talk about football occasionally. Jim and Billy were talking about West Ham staying in the Premiership a few weeks back (I feel pretty embarrassed about knowing this).

And why can't they have a storyline about a bloke who's having an affair, tells his wife and she has says "Oh, that turns me on. Can you bring her round now? I've always wanted to try out a threesome." Only it turns out that the woman he's been screwing is his wife's sister! And they still carry it out! It wouldn't have to be too graphic if they did it tastefully.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

-A young familys baby is lost and isn't recovered safe and sound, and we never see them again.

-A man takes up heroin and although he finds the experience reasonably enjoyable, decides to only take it now and again, as it's not really his thing.

[Jemble Fred]

A gigantic quail nests in Ken Barlow's loft.

[buttgammon]

We actually see the ventriloquist who is operating Ken Barlow!

Yes, I'm Harry Hill.

[SetToStun]

So 'Threads: The Soap Opera' then? I'd watch that.

Why not have the characters in 'Eastenders' start swearing and talking about football? Everyone knows that's what working class people in London really do.

Not exactly like that - more sort of "Eastenders, Coronation Street, Hollyoaks, Emerdale: The fucking end."

And they can feel free to include any I've happened to have been blessed enough not to have heard of.

Sorry, I know they're popular and I'm not sneering at their popularity or anything, I just honestly cannot abide soap operas. They bring me out in hives (whatever that is).

[ozziechef]

No one gets married, dies or has a birthday on Christmas Day as everyone is too busy attending birthday, anniversary and rememberance parties.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Someone accidently creates a wormhole in the space-time contiuum, which collapses the entirity of global soap space-time into one half-hour programme.

[Fielding]

Armando did it, but...

A soap opera where all the characters spend a lot of time either at work, or at home watching soap operas, and so haven't really spoken to each other in the last eight years.

[The Mumbler]

Venerable and much-loved central character celebrates 25 continuous years on the programme by taking a faulty biro back to a stationery shop, where he is refunded without conflict.

[purlieu]

Dot Cotton sits down at 7.30 on a Tuesday evening, turns on BBC1 causing a paradox that destroys the world.

Or howabout: it's a Wednesday evening in Albert Square.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Popstar Martine McCutcheon pays a visit to the Queen Vic.

[Blumf]

People start regularly visiting/talking to friends and family from outside the street/square/village the soap is set in. They rarely talk to their neighbours and only then as acquaintances. Nobody uses local shops, instead preferring the convince of a large faceless supermarket chain, where they don't have a chat with the checkout assistant as they don't know them, or internet retailer.

I know, completely unrealistic.

[purlieu]

where they don't have a chat with the checkout assistant as they don't know them

Then I run in and smack my cock round their face for being ignorant cunts.

[Blumf]

Then I run in and smack my cock round their face for being ignorant cunts.

So your the guy who keeps on doing that.

[SetToStun]

  Then I run in and smack my cock round their face for being ignorant cunts.

Lee, is that you?!

[hencole]

Somone gets pregnent and decides to have an abortion instead of keeping it.

[The Mumbler]

  Then I run in and smack my cock round their face for being ignorant cunts.

Buzz. Family Affairs, Episode 99.

[P K Duck]

A wife is too busy with her own porn collection to worry about her husband's.

A mother smacks her rioting child without a slow, steady spiral into child abuse or satanism.

Somebody with a degree can't get a job, but chooses to do volunteer work as a stop-gap after getting support from their family or friends by explaining the situation, and agreeing not to take the piss by trampling on the goodwill extended their way at this frustrating time in their lives.

The vicar is a man who is neither gay nor sexually attracted to little children, performs his duties as best he can with the meagre resources available, acts as front-line social service for the lonely geriatrics, and does not try to fuck any of the jailbait teenagers who would rather die than flirt with him anyway.



Actually... I'd quite like to hear satanism take over Ambridge. I might tune in once in a while then.

[Hank_Kingsley]

I'd like to see the issue of zombies handled in a frank yet sensitive manner by one, or all, of the major soaps.

[ccbaxter]

The pub closes down.

Or, alternatively, another pub opens up - maybe more.

[non capisco]

The entirety of 'Emmerdale' is revealed to be the dream of minor early 90's 'Eastenders' character Danny Taurus.

Minty becomes obsessed with comedy sketch series 'Up To Something' after finding it on an old VHS and being startled by the prescence of Alfie Moon in it.

Dirty Den comes back from the dead a third time as it turns out God is actually Pops Tavernier, who has granted him another chance.

A 'Lost' style flashback to what happened to Martin Fowler inbetween being a briefly glimpsed baby and when he finally came downstairs from his room

[SOTS]

Two characters have an affair, but they get away with it because no-one finds out.

[Go With The Flow]

A stag night where the men get a little bit pissed, do a few funny but ultimately harmless pranks, order a taxi home and are all in bed by 2am. With each other.

Or famous ex-WWE (nee WWF) Superstar "Stone Cold" Steve Austin walks into the Rovers, gives one of the cast a "Stone Cold" Stunner, orders two cans of Beer and then proceeds to drink them in a crude manner. He does this for exactly six episodes, and is then never mentioned again.

Or any of the "fake women's magazine headlines" from that ace forum topic in story form, probably gone forever. "My Dead Husband's Dog Killed My Milkman - Then I Fell In Love With His Pallbearer!" or something actually funny.

[purlieu]

New family move into the street, keep themselves to themselves and never exchange anything other than polite hellos to all of their neighbours.