Devise soap storylines that will never happen

[ccbaxter]

Visiting "investigative" journalist enjoys a pint in the pub, quietly in the background for an entire episode, without having their cover being blown and being told "You're just a bunch of vultures, you are!"

[Glebe]

A couple make up after a big row in the hall after the husband has had an affair. Then he says "A nice cappa tea'll calm y'down." Then they go into the living room-where the woman he's be having with happens to waiting!

"You!" Shouts the wife.

"Wait, Cath, I can explain", says the husband.

That'd never happen.

[Dusty Gozongas]

It turns out that your favourite and most wholesome character is actually a functional alcoholic and it's no big deal to anybody, including his/her spouse.

[Marv Orange]

The local pub gets a carvery causing all the local food outlets to close down.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Alien invasion.

[non capisco]

Alien invasion.

'The Colbys' already did it.

[depressed beyond tablets]

In Home And Away Alf Stewart is arrested and convicted of buggering the surf club (a serious crime in Summer Bay). He pleads innocent, yet his lawyer, a four year old turnip, is unable to convince the jury of his case. Alf is sent to prison in Tasmania where he is systematically abused by sports clubs and gymnasia. New evidence comes to light and it is learned that Alf has a twin brother, Ralf, believed to be living in that other rival town. Ralf is also said to be a womaniser and all round "bad skin". Rumours are quickly circulated implying that Ralf was responsible for the assault. Sadly the claims are never taken seriously and Alf is denied any appeal. He dies at the age of 59 from severe internal hemorrhaging. Pippa is the sole attendant of his funeral. She vows to clear Alf's name but is unfortunately wiped out by a tsunami on her return home.

[hansen mork]

Phil Mitchell goes to the kitchen in the queen vic to get a glass of water. He starts to cough violently until he turns into a small crow. He then flys out of the window never to be seen again.

[non capisco]

All of the 'Eastenders' characters move to Spain and get killed off one by one, only after the writers slowly introduce old characters from 'Eldorado'. Once all the Eastenders characters are dead they can carry on from where Eldorado was cancelled, and pretend that was the plan all along.

[Jemble Fred]

They erect a statue of 'Big Ron' Tarr in the middle of the square and each of the characters takes it in turn to strip before it and flagellate themselves, while Travis play a selection of their hits in the background. This takes up the entirety of a Sunday Omnibus.

[Kazuo Kiriyama]

Ian "Squeal" Beale finally gets the upper hand over Phil Mitchell when he walks into the men's at the Vic and finds him on his knees having sex with a toilet.

A man outwits a woman.

[duckorange]

I wrote this EastEnders thing ages ago:

http://robberrabbit.blogspot.com/2006/02/eastenders-return-posting-this-again.html

It will never happen, of course. Not now Dot's giving up smoking.