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Weird Teachers (happy now?)

Started by BJB, June 06, 2007, 08:20:27 PM

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BJB

Any surreal or strange experiances with teachers/subs when you were at school?

I remember one time we had a substitute in who told us to design a poster warning about drug abuse. As the drug questions flowed from everyone this teacher then went on to describe her various experiences with heroin and cocaine at collage, which led on to the charming tale about how she was raped by her boyfrenid whilst under the influence.

The image of this 40 year old woman being violated wasen't pretty. She also had this incredibly sad face, which looked as if "I'v seen the world children, and its fucking shit".

Pseudopath

Wierd Weird
experiances experiences
boyfrenid boyfriend
wasen't wasn't
I'v I've

C- See me after class

Pseudopath

Come to think of it, we did have an English teacher at our school who started out as everyone's favourite teacher (especially the boys, who thought she was "fit as"). However, it slowly transpired that she was being regularly abused by her husband (a PE teacher at the same school) and sported inexplicable bruises on her arms, grazes on her knees and black-eyes. Some of the more head-strong members of my year even confronted her about this and offered to beat him up for her (as if a lanky 14-year old would stand a chance against a 30-something rugger-bugger), but the abuse continued unabated.

Things came to a head at an end-of-year assembly when she gave a speech about ambition and determination and illustrated this by telling a story of a Sahara Desert trek she'd just come back from where the group had been enveloped by a sandstorm and she'd had to find her way back to civilisation by herself. However, everyone in the room knew she hadn't been on a holiday in over 9 months and recognised the storyline from a documentary which had been on telly a couple of nights earlier. Before she could even finish her story, one of her colleagues put their arm over her shoulder and led her from the room whilst the whole room stared at her husband malevolently.

Hope she's OK now, though...she was "fit as".

Please correct the spelling of your topic title or else I will be forced to pound you into the dirt.

Dusty Gozongas

collage college

That was very shoddy work there young BJB.

Yes, see Pseudopath after class.

Although it's worth pointing out that you spelt heroin and cocaine correctly. Well done!

Shoulders?-Stomach!

My A-Level business studies teacher liked to call people by, rather old-fashioned names. The two girls in our class he called Brenda and Bertha whereas the guys were called Donald, Gerald, and Bernard, amongst others.

On the very first lesson when we were about to have the minutes silence for 9/11 he suggest 'we should have two pauses'. Later on in the lesson he drew a line graph and remarked "These look a bit like towers, don't they?", then proceeded to scribble next to it, declaring "Here's some flames", and as if it was the cherry on the cake: "...and here's a little boy jumping off the side."

Probably the funniest man I've ever met in my life. Most of the lessons involved myself laughing loudly at all this stuff he was coming out with.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

I remember when I was at college around 9/11 and in my physics class we worked out how long it would've taken for one of the jumpers to fit the floor when they leaped from the towers. Just to demonstrate gravitational constant, velocity, acceleration; equations for a falling body so to speak.

richey

I remember my science teacher once, when i had accidentally melted a plastic funnel and hidden it in a draw. He held it up at the next lesson and said 'Last week when I was tidying up, I found this. two words spring to mind, one of them's dick the others head' in a broad south wales accent.

He also shouted at someone 'Oi! stop standing around like a spare dick in an orgy and do some work!'

Amused me when I was 13!!!

duckorange

Ah, Miss Cummings, our biology teacher.

Or, as readers of top-shelf smut magazine Fiesta knew her: Sue from Hampshire.

Sheldon Finklestein

NICE! Or did she have some sort of terrible personality disorder? How did she maintain discipline (not that kind) in the classroom when it emerged she was a sex-person?

duckorange

The school copped out - they had her transferred to another school (in Bracknell).

She was also very over-friendly with certain members of the sixth form. We found the negatives in the school dark room.

Rumpelwilskin

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on June 07, 2007, 01:47:31 PM
I remember when I was at college around 9/11 and in my physics class we worked out how long it would've taken for one of the jumpers to fit the floor when they leaped from the towers.

Fit the floor with what, padding to quell the fall?

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Yes. It was a physics of carpet fitting class.

Pylon Man

Quote from: duckorange on June 07, 2007, 03:06:02 PM
Ah, Miss Cummings, our biology teacher.

Or, as readers of top-shelf smut magazine Fiesta knew her: Sue from Hampshire.

I recognise this story from somewhere on the web.

Catalogue Trousers

We used to have a brilliant History teacher at grammar school. Rumour was that he had spent some time in psychiatric care, but if so then it had made him demented in a good way.

To illustrate Nordic incursions on our fair isle, he would (without warning) bellow "I'M A VIKING!!!" and charge the front row of desks, sweeping them (and their occupants) back before him - he was a very lanky bugger, with an outstretched arm-reach of about six feet.

On another occasion,  he described how unpleasantly overbearing James Stuart was towards his servants, and promptly demonstrated this by nipping out of the classroom, and then re-entering the room on his hands and knees, proffering an imaginary platter of sweetmeats to the spoilt king.

He certainly made the subject come alive.

Cambrian Times


Catalogue Trousers

No - it was Peter J Ryde, if I recall correctly. He also made rather nifty little stop-motion films in his spare time about anglepoise lamps fighting each other. He really should've sued Pixar for every penny that they had.

May I take it that you knew a similar History teacher, then?

Small Man Big Horse

At my sixth form college there were two 20something teachers, Mr F and Mr G, who presumably only taught A-Levels so that they could fuck the students. I'd see them out in the local town every Friday night trying to chat up the local 16 or 17 year olds, and it was horribly grim to watch. I went to a party one night, and as it was slowing down and beginning to end, Mr F arrived with the 16 year old sister of the girl holding the party. They popped their head round the door to say hello, they went upstairs and loudly shagged for about 20 minutes, before rejoining us. It was only then that he spotted that I was there, briefly looked ashamed, before trying to be all pally with me. I just left as it was getting late, and never said a word about it all, but he did get fired a year later for getting another one of the students pregnant on a skiing trip.

buttgammon

Quote from: Catalogue Trousers on June 08, 2007, 07:14:22 PM
No - it was Peter J Ryde, if I recall correctly. He also made rather nifty little stop-motion films in his spare time about anglepoise lamps fighting each other. He really should've sued Pixar for every penny that they had.

May I take it that you knew a similar History teacher, then?

Before I saw this, I swore you were talking about my old history teacher, the brilliantly noisy Scotsman Ian Farquharson. Are all male history teachers trained to do this?

purlieu

My old music teacher lived on that line between stuffy old man and hilarious, friendly teacher.  I think he tried so hard to fit into the latter that it made him hilarious in ways he wasn't intending.
For a recording of a group performance, the lineup was Steph van Spronson, Ross Baker, John Wright and Tom Stanhope, which our teacher announced as "Stephenie van outen, John Wrong, Stan Tom-no-hope and Ross... Queen".  He seemed unaware of the word 'an', preferring to talk about "a arrangement".  He had a wonderful selection of knitted jumpers, including his personal favourite: a sky blue one with a loch ness monster pattern on it.  Yet on one occasion, he admitted to, in his teens, having tired 'mari-jooa-ooana'. 
Oh, and he looked like a cross between Sadam Hussein and Yogi Bear.

We had a maths teacher who couldn't say circle, she only said 'cirtle' (yet could say circular perfectly fine).  She must have had the largest wardrobe ever, as for two years my friend and I noticed she never wore the same dress twice, and usually was so colour co-ordinated she wore the same colour finger- and toe- nail-varnish, shoes, clothes, hair clip, ring, glasses, necklace, earrings and bracelets.  Strange woman.

glitch

I once had a physics/photography (multitasking!) teacher who threatened me with detention at the slightest mention of Fun House or anything vaguely related (Pat Sharpe, twins, go-karts, "It's a real wacky show where anything can go").

I kind of wish I was still in touch with the guy* as he was pretty sound, just completely inadequate for teaching a bunch of hyperactive teenage boys.

Then there was the music/RE teacher who didn't seem to understand how radios worked and we spent a good 40 minutes tormenting him before he twigged.

* I found him on the Internet about a year ago but haven't had the guts to contact him

buttgammon

I also had a teacher who taught RE and music, yet didn't know how many strings were on a guitar!

Cambrian Times

Quote from: Catalogue Trousers on June 08, 2007, 07:14:22 PM

May I take it that you knew a similar History teacher, then?

Whelpdale had a habit of taking his shoes off and sitting on the teacher's desk cross legged and pretending to smoke the chalk. He also used to tell endless stories about his "girlfriend" despite being blatently gay.



He also had a worryingly creepy habit when you were intently writing something, he'd walk around peering over the top of your head at what you were writing. Occasionally he'd briefly touch you on the shoulder then move on. When you think that I went to an all girls Catholic school you begin to suspect things.

I also had a French teacher who looked like one of the Chuckle Brothers but he didn't do anything weird.

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: Cambrian Times on June 09, 2007, 12:55:04 PM
Whelpdale...also used to tell endless stories about his "girlfriend" despite being blatently gay.

He also had a worryingly creepy habit when you were intently writing something, he'd walk around peering over the top of your head at what you were writing. Occasionally he'd briefly touch you on the shoulder then move on. When you think that I went to an all girls Catholic school you begin to suspect things.

Sorry, you've lost me here...since you're a girl, and he was blatantly gay, what was the problem with the brief touchingness?  What things were you suspecting?

Quote from: glitch on June 08, 2007, 11:06:01 PM
I once had a physics/photography (multitasking!) teacher who threatened me with detention at the slightest mention of Fun House or anything vaguely related (Pat Sharpe, twins, go-karts, "It's a real wacky show where anything can go").

It's a real crazy show where anything can go

Stay behind after class please Glitch.

non capisco

Not a direct experience, but a friend of mine has a story of an alcoholic maths teacher he had who would regularly disappear into a room at the back of the class to 'do some work on his own' and just sit there and get pissed.
Maths wasn't my friend's strong point and after a particularly poor report card and his parents voicing their concern he was commanded to sit away from everyone else and move to the front of the class at a tiny single desk directly in front of the perma-sozzled teacher. Instead of giving him the practical help that was presumably expected, the teacher would beckon for my mate to lean in close and then say in sage tones "Many have lied and many have died at the hands of Johnny Condor" then carry on staring off into space.

I remember a sexual education talk being for some unexplained reason given by a woodwork teacher who most people strongly suspected had no practical experience of what he was talking about. He opened up the lesson by drawing something on the whiteboard that was evidently meant to be a penis but looked like nothing I've ever seen attached to a human male.


Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Well those lathes can be dangerous.

Pseudopath

Quote from: aaaaaaaaaargh! on June 09, 2007, 04:05:28 PM
It's a real crazy show where anything can go

Stay behind after class please Glitch.

It's a real crazy show where anything goes

glitch, aaaaaaaaaargh! Go see the headmaster NOW!

Quote from: Pseudopath on June 09, 2007, 07:17:02 PM
It's a real crazy show where anything goes

glitch, aaaaaaaaaargh! Go see the headmaster NOW!

ahem

Anything goes doesn't scan and insisting that this is the case is an insult to the genius wordcraft of the theme tune's writers.

edited to say - I am such a sad cunt

edited further to say - it's ok, not that I went on youtube or anything like that, but it is actually anything goes.  I think I may have credited the theme tune's writers a wee bit hastily there.

Pseudopath

I suppose it depends on your source. This site reckons it's anything goes, but admittedly it is a Wiki so is probably wrong.