Britain's Got Talent - Have You?

[CaledonianGonzo]

A ventriloquist'n'monkey act are through to the finals of this show (which I've never heard of till now, nevermind seen):





What skills, talents, tricks or hitherto hidden proficiencies do you have that could impress a jury consisting of Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden?

[buttgammon]

I'm quite good at impressions which tends to impress relatives at Christmas. And I also have the ability to make up annoying and completely fictional anecdotes on the spot, like the time I was at Lou Reed's house and said to him "Lou, are my anecdotes any good?" Lou had recently had his appendix removed and also had lots of ear wax at the time, so he thought I had said "Lou, is your appendix any good you fucking cunt?" He took offence and punched me in the face before grabbing me by the collar and hurling me out of a first floor window. I crawled down the road to my good friend Peter Sissons' nearby flat where he let me in, only to be attacked by his Siamese cat. The doctors said I would have lost an eye if Fiona Bruce hadn't have thrown a tub of coleslaw at it, causing it to run off.

I haven't watched the programme but it sounds dreadful. I met Simon Cowell at a cocktail party in Tokyo once and he said he wanted to do something like this, but I didn't think he'd actually carry it out. I think his exact words were "Like the X Factor, but crapper." I then asked him if he liked my anecdotes and he thought I insulted his adenoids...And I woke up on Trevor McDonald's floor the next morning.

[Captain Crunch]

Are we allowed to nominate sexual talents?  Not mine of course, but I'm sure there was a young man on here who mastered the art of sucking his own cock.  Wasn't there...?

[Huzzie]

Good post Buttgammon:-)

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Shouldn't it be 'Have You?'.

Yes it should, and now is.  "Do you" indeed.

[buttgammon]

Are you one of the panellists from that programme by any chance? If so, can I come on you programme and ramble on and on and on for a while on national TV? If so, I would be as pleased as the time I scored a hole-in-one while playing golf with Alastair Campbell in the South of France. Unfortunately, he didn't take too kindly to it and claimed I had cheated which was true because I got my friend Michael Buerk to pick up the ball where it landed (in a bunker) and stick it in the hole. Ultimately, he got his own back on me. He invited me on a holiday at Silvio Berlusconi's villa with Tony Blair a year later, but it was a trap. Blair said I had broken into the property and I was arrested under the Terorism Act. I only escaped going to Guantanamo Bay out of my connections with Michael Parkinson, who is the third cousin twice removed of Dick Cheney's wife's former greengrocer's sister-in-law.

[surreal]

the art of sucking his own cock.  Wasn't there...?

That would be great on the TV show, tell the audition people you do impressions or something then when you finally get on stage you drop trou and start fellating yourself...

[chand]

I saw that monkey act the other day and he wasn't even doing ventriloquism, he was was just making him dance and mouth along to Michael Jackson songs. It was shit.

[Borboski]

I can make some HORRIBLE smells.

[Fry]

My friend's cousin is that Bessie. she won't stop talking about her.

[chand]

Heh, screaming headline on the front of today's Sun: BRITAIN'S GOT PERVERTS.

The Mirror goes with 'BRITAIN'S GOT PERVERT', which I suppose is marginally closer to 'talent' but scans less well in and of itself. The Star goes with the more direct 'TALENT SINGER IS A PAEDO', which is bafflingly illustrated with a picture of Amanda Holden in a skimpy outfit.

[buttgammon]

That sex offender had more talent than most people on there, though. He's one of the best paedos around, and sexually abusing children is a more unusual thing to do, anyway. I think they should be commending his inventiveness for not doing the usual crap conjuring rick/karaoke version of an old Spice Girls song/impressions of characters from Little Britain.

I didn't watch it, though. He did actually molest or violate a child on the show, right?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

'One of the best paedo's around'

I've got mouth ulcers today you inconsiderately funny bastard.

[hpmons]

Is there some unwritten rule that sex offenders cant appear on a talent show?

[Custard]

I do hope not, as I'm a mean juggler.

[mrpants]

It says in the Sun article that he was put on the Sex Offenders' Register for three years in 2001, so surely he's off it now?

EDIT- Ah, actually reading it a bit more it seems that someone said it probably wasn't a good idea for him to be on there, rather than him being fired because he was still on the register.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

According to the guy he's on the register for tickling someone's feet without consent.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Is "feet" a paedophile euphemism for something else?

[Artemis]

Slight diversion: I was once reliably informed that "all that fluff" is a phrase used in the paedophile ring. Somebody said it once and it raised a lot of eyebrows. Weird, huh.

[rudi]

That would be great on the TV show, tell the audition people you do impressions or something then when you finally get on stage you drop trou and start fellating yourself...

Ha ha!

"For my first impression: a Henry Moore sculpture..."

[hencole]

According to the guy he's on the register for tickling someone's feet without consent.

Probably not far off, you can get on the sex offenders register for hardly anything these days.

[The Mumbler]

Heh, screaming headline on the front of today's Sun: BRITAIN'S GOT PERVERTS.

The Mirror goes with 'BRITAIN'S GOT PERVERT', which I suppose is marginally closer to 'talent' but scans less well in and of itself. The Star goes with the more direct 'TALENT SINGER IS A PAEDO', which is bafflingly illustrated with a picture of Amanda Holden in a skimpy outfit.

Subtext: "Hey, here's someone you really *should* be fancying. Eh, etcs?"

[actwithoutwords]

I didn't watch it, though. He did actually molest or violate a child on the show, right?

No, but he appears to have incriminated himself quite severely in front of a judge:

"I basically got into trouble for tickling a lad's feet. I got a discharge in court."

Audacious.

[surreal]

Probably not far off, you can get on the sex offenders register for hardly anything these days.

true - you can get put on the SOR if you get caught taking a piss in public, so be careful coming back from a night out....

The Star goes with the more direct 'TALENT SINGER IS A PAEDO', which is bafflingly illustrated with a picture of Amanda Holden in a skimpy outfit.

I'm continually amazed that the Star bother to put the "ae" in and not just spell it PEDO!!!!! - sure none of their "readers" (lookers-at-the-pictures) would notice

[Small Man Big Horse]

true - you can get put on the SOR if you get caught taking a piss in public, so be careful coming back from a night out....

Really? Fucking hell, two of my female mates could have ended up on the Sex Offenders Register just last night then, if they'd been caught.

[buttgammon]

If pissing in public technically makes you a sex offender, I'm surprised they haven't brought back hanging for me!

I once needed to go very badly while in a remote part of Wales, and went on a picnic table outside some desolate, half-empty pub. I still burst into laughter if I go past the place.

[Artemis]

[nixon]

Brilliant!

[Huzzie]

Is there some unwritten rule that sex offenders cant appear on a talent show?

As long as it's not live, it's OK. Can you imagine the chaos of having a sex offender on a live TV show if he suddenly saw a child in the audience or, due to the set up, was reminded of Tiny Tots?

[Huzzie]

Slight diversion: I was once reliably informed that "all that fluff" is a phrase used in the paedophile ring. Somebody said it once and it raised a lot of eyebrows. Weird, huh.

What does it mean?

Quoting doesn't seem to work right when you have "quick reply" set up.